How do I nicely confront this guy who has stood me up twice?


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First off, I'm sorry, but this has a lot of backstory:

There's this guy who I have known since freshmen year (for those who have seen my past questions, this guy is not the same one that is on his mission). He is a huge baseball fan (and he plays baseball at his school), and he is LDS, and super sweet. If there was one word I could describe him, it would be a goofball. He and I are going into our Senior year. The first date that he and I went on was the very first date that I'd ever been on (I waited till I was 16 to date (for those who don't know, the youth in the LDS church are encouraged to wait to date until they are 16 or older)). He took me to his house after getting food through the drive-thru, we watched Sixth Sense, and went to his friends Halloween party (the date was on Halloween). After that first date, he and I went on 2 other dates. I had him over to my house to watch a movie, and then the next one, we went to Dave & Buster's and then he took me to the New Year's Eve Stake Dance. 

After these first few dates, I felt like everything was going really well between him and I, but then he started acting a little flaky. I had texted him and invited him to come to my house on MLK day in January, and I was hoping to ask him to my school's Winter Semi-formal dance. I didn't tell him that I would be asking him if he'd be able to come to my house for me to ask him to the dance, so I told him we'd watch a movie or something. He said, "Yeah. That sounds like fun!", but when the day came, the plans changed, and I texted him asking if he'd want to see Star Wars Episode 7 at this really nice theatre at noon, but he didn't respond. He didn't bother to text me or say why he couldn't respond. He went MIA until the day before Modest Prom when he messaged me over snapchat. One of the cute things he does is begin a conversation with me by responding to my snapchat story, so that's what he did the day before Modest Prom. I thought he'd be asking me to Modest Prom last minute, but that didn't happen. When I got to Modest Prom, I noticed him from time to time in the crowded hallway, and he'd tap my shoulder, and when I turned around, he would keep walking down the hallway. It was that the whole night, and then he and I slow-danced for one song.

Some time went by, and he texted me asking about the Nauvoo trip that my stake had gotten back from. (I had posted a photo collage on Instagram and he saw it and liked it). That same day he talked to me, there was a stake dance in Norman that I thought there was no way he'd be there, but he was there! He wasn't there by himself though, he was there with a few of his church friends (none of them were girls though). We quietly made eye contact the whole night, and we danced for a song. After I'd gotten home from the dance, he texted me saying that he had a fun time and wanted to go on a date with me before he went to California for work for the rest of the summer. I said I'd be up for it, and we had plans to go on a double date the week before he left for California. I was excited to go with him, but then the day before, he texted me and said "something came up" and he couldn't do the double date. He apologized a lot, too. 

Before we even went out on our first date, he told me that he doesn't want to call anyone his girlfriend until he gets home from his mission (for those who don't know, a mission is when an 18-year old boy devotes 2 years of his life to teaching and preaching the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). I have this fact about him memorized, but I don't want to hang out with him if he's going to constantly be canceling plans with me, and getting my hopes up, and then hurting my feelings again in the end. How do I nicely confront him about this? Or should I confront him about this? Should I just leave it to his mission to get him into committing to others? (if that makes sense?) I'm not looking into turning to this guy now that Elder is on his mission, but I have this strange feeling he's going to want to hang out with me more this next year, and I'm not entirely sure of what to do.

 

Edited by mt_mck7
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Personally I wouldn't bother. From what I can remember on the timeline of the dates, they appear to be far and in between. First date Halloween with 2 dates to follow. Then not another one until MLK day which would be in January with a few more that were really not dates.

He is or has left for California and then going on a mission. So there is no chance of dating at least for 2 years. I would just go on my way and enjoy being young. He already said he doesn't want to call anyone his girlfriend.

You can always stay friends. A mission changes a person.

 

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Guest LiterateParakeet

My husband was a salesman for many years, and he says, "Whoever wants it the most loses."  That sounds harsh, I know, but think of it like this, imagine that two people are negotiating a price on a used car.  If the buyer appears to want the car too desperately, the seller will try to sell it for the highest possible price (i.e. the buyer loses).  On the other hand, if the buyer is willing to walk away (there's other cars out there attitude) then that generally puts the seller in the position of wanting the deal the most and willing to negotiate the price...if he really wants to sell it he may even go lower than he wanted (seller loses).  The best case scenario for the buyer and seller, is for neither to seem too eager...then they negotiate as if each is willing to walk away from the deal at any point...then they come to a compromise that is best for both parties.  Dating is much the same way.  

Until a serious relationship is established...either party wanting the relationship noticeably more than the other can scare the other one away.  I have a daughter your age.  I tease her about being a man-killer.  She's pretty and she loves to flirt.  But here's the thing, she's not looking for a relationship (which she shouldn't be at this age) but too often the guys are looking for a relationship.  The moment they switch from light flirting to actually trying to being "overly sweet" and wanting a relationship (rather than just fun and friendship), she loses all interest.  This has happened more times than I can count, thus the reason I call her a man-killer.  But here you see it again, the one who wants it the most loses.  Harsh but true.

So what does this have to do with you?  The fact that you are still interested in this young man, even slightly, after he has stood you up twice shows you want this more than he does and you're losing the game.  If you think it's worth it to pursue this then you need to regain the balance.  For example, the next time he contacts you--do not be the one to initiate getting together.  Enjoy friendly banter, but don't ask for more.  If he asks to get together, have plans.  Don't accept the first invitation.  Now he will be in the position of wanting what he can't have....and believe me it is strong in our nature to want what we can't have.  If he really wants to pursue this, he will then make more of an effort.  If he has to put in a little more work to get on your calendar, he won't be nearly as likely to stand you up next time.

Though some might accuse me of playing "head games" that is really not my intention.  I'm just describing human nature. Dating is like a dance.  Showing more interest in your partner than they yet feel for you, is the equivalent of stepping on your partners toes.  You must each keep to your own dance space.   Or you could think of it like a poker game in which you don't show your cards too soon.

Take my advice...learn to play the game and your dating years will be more fun.  

Edited by LiterateParakeet
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Oh boy... When I was dating I got so tired of these little games. These just leave questions in a guy's (or girls) mind. It was sometimes hard to tell if someone wanted to get out again or not. In the end I married someone who avoided the games all together. I know where she stood with me and she knew where I stood with her. Yes, honesty can sometimes hurt, but do you really want to be with someone who plays mind games, or to be the person who does? Such beginings form the basis after marriage, and trust me you do not want someone who plays mind games in your marriage.  

Just speak plainly. Ask him if he would be interested on going on a date with you. Tell him you understand about giving him space before his mission. If he is interested you will need to find out what "space" really means. Just talk to him about it if/when the time is right. Then stick to the plan and be firm. Dating takes some thick skin. Most the time it doesn't work out. But if and when it does you'll be happy that you didn't have to string your husband along in order for him to care about you. 

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He is not playing games with you and he his not stringing you along...  He has already clearly stated his intention and is acting accordingly.

 

You might want more...  that is to bad because he isn't going to give it to you.  You need to focus your attention elsewhere...  Until you do you will be stringing yourself along.

 

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Rule of thumb.  Effort + time reflect a lot about interest and intentions. Things come up, and sometimes plans do have to be cancelled, but someone should quickly make new plans and then follow through with them. If someone avoids, changes plans, and does not actively correct things, make new plans etc..... then you pretty much can see that they are not very interested or even respectful of you.  Its not really even worth addressing, if he is isn't interested it won't result in him changing his behaviors and going out with you. It likely just will create more awkardness for both of you, and needless additional heartache for you.

Edited by GratefulHeart
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On 7/23/2016 at 10:35 PM, mt_mck7 said:

First off, I'm sorry, but this has a lot of backstory:

There's this guy who I have known since freshmen year (for those who have seen my past questions, this guy is not the same one that is on his mission). He is a huge baseball fan (and he plays baseball at his school), and he is LDS, and super sweet. If there was one word I could describe him, it would be a goofball. He and I are going into our Senior year. The first date that he and I went on was the very first date that I'd ever been on (I waited till I was 16 to date (for those who don't know, the youth in the LDS church are encouraged to wait to date until they are 16 or older)). He took me to his house after getting food through the drive-thru, we watched Sixth Sense, and went to his friends Halloween party (the date was on Halloween). After that first date, he and I went on 2 other dates. I had him over to my house to watch a movie, and then the next one, we went to Dave & Buster's and then he took me to the New Year's Eve Stake Dance. 

After these first few dates, I felt like everything was going really well between him and I, but then he started acting a little flaky. I had texted him and invited him to come to my house on MLK day in January, and I was hoping to ask him to my school's Winter Semi-formal dance. I didn't tell him that I would be asking him if he'd be able to come to my house for me to ask him to the dance, so I told him we'd watch a movie or something. He said, "Yeah. That sounds like fun!", but when the day came, the plans changed, and I texted him asking if he'd want to see Star Wars Episode 7 at this really nice theatre at noon, but he didn't respond. He didn't bother to text me or say why he couldn't respond. He went MIA until the day before Modest Prom when he messaged me over snapchat. One of the cute things he does is begin a conversation with me by responding to my snapchat story, so that's what he did the day before Modest Prom. I thought he'd be asking me to Modest Prom last minute, but that didn't happen. When I got to Modest Prom, I noticed him from time to time in the crowded hallway, and he'd tap my shoulder, and when I turned around, he would keep walking down the hallway. It was that the whole night, and then he and I slow-danced for one song.

Some time went by, and he texted me asking about the Nauvoo trip that my stake had gotten back from. (I had posted a photo collage on Instagram and he saw it and liked it). That same day he talked to me, there was a stake dance in Norman that I thought there was no way he'd be there, but he was there! He wasn't there by himself though, he was there with a few of his church friends (none of them were girls though). We quietly made eye contact the whole night, and we danced for a song. After I'd gotten home from the dance, he texted me saying that he had a fun time and wanted to go on a date with me before he went to California for work for the rest of the summer. I said I'd be up for it, and we had plans to go on a double date the week before he left for California. I was excited to go with him, but then the day before, he texted me and said "something came up" and he couldn't do the double date. He apologized a lot, too. 

Before we even went out on our first date, he told me that he doesn't want to call anyone his girlfriend until he gets home from his mission (for those who don't know, a mission is when an 18-year old boy devotes 2 years of his life to teaching and preaching the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints). I have this fact about him memorized, but I don't want to hang out with him if he's going to constantly be canceling plans with me, and getting my hopes up, and then hurting my feelings again in the end. How do I nicely confront him about this? Or should I confront him about this? Should I just leave it to his mission to get him into committing to others? (if that makes sense?) I'm not looking into turning to this guy now that Elder is on his mission, but I have this strange feeling he's going to want to hang out with me more this next year, and I'm not entirely sure of what to do.

 

I'm curious why you feel you need to be nice.  Some people don't understand nice.  You can be blunt and assertive without being mean, but you don't have to be nice about it.  Now, if you kicked him in the groin while emphasizing your point, well....

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On 7/23/2016 at 11:35 PM, mt_mck7 said:

He said, "Yeah. That sounds like fun!", but when the day came, the plans changed, and I texted him asking if he'd want to see Star Wars Episode 7 at this really nice theatre at noon, but he didn't respond. He didn't bother to text me or say why he couldn't respond.

<SNIP>

I said I'd be up for it, and we had plans to go on a double date the week before he left for California. I was excited to go with him, but then the day before, he texted me and said "something came up" and he couldn't do the double date.

An upcoming mission is no excuse for a no-call-no-show on a date, nor cancelling at the last minute with "something came up" unless it's because he's heading to the MTC earlier than he thought.  Are you really interested in having a boyfriend who thinks it's OK to flake out whenever it's convenient?

I'm going to agree on foregoing the groin kick, but there are a number of mildly painful joint locks that are good for showing him just how much explaining he needs to do.

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On 7/28/2016 at 11:05 AM, omegaseamaster75 said:

What's this?

Modest Prom is an annual church dance that my stake holds. It's usually held around the same time as Prom in most schools, and it's there for those who can't go to prom or don't want to go to their school prom.

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On 7/28/2016 at 4:11 PM, NightSG said:

An upcoming mission is no excuse for a no-call-no-show on a date, nor cancelling at the last minute with "something came up" unless it's because he's heading to the MTC earlier than he thought.  Are you really interested in having a boyfriend who thinks it's OK to flake out whenever it's convenient?

I'm going to agree on foregoing the groin kick, but there are a number of mildly painful joint locks that are good for showing him just how much explaining he needs to do.

I wish I could call him my boyfriend. If he were my boyfriend, I would totally bring it up with him. He said he doesn't want to call anyone his girlfriend until after his mission, but the way he acts around me makes it seem like we're boyfriend and girlfriend. Plus with the mission, he doesn't turn 18 until this August, and he's still got senior year to deal with. 

Edited by mt_mck7
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I don't want to sound mean, but it will be better if you can understand this and let it go. 

He's just not that into you.

Let it go. He's not worth it. All the angst and hurt and going over everything he says? It's a waste of energy. He's not giving that kind of energy to you. If he is acting like he's your boyfriend around you, tell him to stop. If he asks why, tell him he's the one that said he doesn't want a girlfriend, and to stop playing around with you. It's not fair to you and it's not honest to himself. 

I'd just avoid him and put my focus on my friends, classes, and other guys to date for fun.

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