getting older...


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 I'm interested in hearing from older couples and how they were able to handle getting old together.

My spouse and I are having problems. We now sleep in separate rooms from one another, work schedules are different and we are both very busy so every second of sleep counts - the difference between 6 hrs and 7hrs a night etc. Also, my spouse gets horrible headaches if they have disrupted sleep so they cannot sleep with another person. Anyways, this combined with our changing now old ugly bodies means we have not been with one another for a very long time, and that is taking a toll on me. I feel like we are not married, I feel ugly and unloved. 

You know the Harlow study on monkeys? I feel like one of those baby monkeys - alone. 

I talked to my spouse about it a week ago,he said he was sorry and that he did still love me.  We went to the temple together and he has now started holding my hand, but that is it.  We still sleep in separate rooms.  I used to have my cloths upstairs even though I have not slept up there for a long time.  He suggested that I switch the craft closet for mycloths closet, and yesterday I made it official - I moved all of my cloths downstairs.  He now has his side of the house,l and I have mine.  We are polite and friendly to one another, love one another in a friendly sort of way, but ourmarriage feels like it is over.  I'm now too old and ugly to have anything more than a friendship.  I tell myself it doesn't matter, at least he's a good guy, he works, he's a good father - but I am just depressed, and I don't think it is healthy for the kids.  

 

What to do?

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Good marriage, fulfilling marriages don't just happen....  You have to work for it...  And it is hard work, involving sacrifice.  To often married couple start taking each other for granted as they work to do other good things, they simply assume that their marriage will remain strong and healthy in spite of their lack of care toward it.  When this happens you get the situation you described for yourself.

The good news is that you can fix this.  Even better news is that you already know how to fix this, because you have already done it before.  The only hard part here is to start doing it again.  I am talking about dating your spouse again...  Whatever the two of you did before you were married that lead to your marriage start doing that kind of stuff together again.  Whatever spark you once had can be rekindled, but you both have to want it and you both have to work toward it. 

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2 hours ago, unseen said:

 I'm interested in hearing from older couples and how they were able to handle getting old together.

My spouse and I are having problems. We now sleep in separate rooms from one another, work schedules are different and we are both very busy so every second of sleep counts - the difference between 6 hrs and 7hrs a night etc. Also, my spouse gets horrible headaches if they have disrupted sleep so they cannot sleep with another person. Anyways, this combined with our changing now old ugly bodies means we have not been with one another for a very long time, and that is taking a toll on me. I feel like we are not married, I feel ugly and unloved. 

You know the Harlow study on monkeys? I feel like one of those baby monkeys - alone. 

I talked to my spouse about it a week ago,he said he was sorry and that he did still love me.  We went to the temple together and he has now started holding my hand, but that is it.  We still sleep in separate rooms.  I used to have my cloths upstairs even though I have not slept up there for a long time.  He suggested that I switch the craft closet for mycloths closet, and yesterday I made it official - I moved all of my cloths downstairs.  He now has his side of the house,l and I have mine.  We are polite and friendly to one another, love one another in a friendly sort of way, but ourmarriage feels like it is over.  I'm now too old and ugly to have anything more than a friendship.  I tell myself it doesn't matter, at least he's a good guy, he works, he's a good father - but I am just depressed, and I don't think it is healthy for the kids.  

 

What to do?

How old are you guys? You are in direct control of your body and how you look. Are you working out regularly? do you eat right? do you take care  of your skin? do you dress well and wear clothing that fits your body type?  If your overweight and things are saggy go to the gym. You can't fix your spouse he has to want to do that for himself but you can fix you.

Edited by omegaseamaster75
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I'm old enough to have varicose veins, scars, and a few other things that exercise will not fix.  I specifically stated that I was "interested in hearing from older couples" who could fill me in on what a marriage is when you get older.  

 

so, to the older people out there - what is marriage like when you get old?  when it is not about physical attraction anymore?  Can you hve a healthy relationship without physical attraction?  

If there is nothing there but physical attraction, than imo that is a pretty superficial relationship anyways, and I am not interested in that... 

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Just now, omegaseamaster75 said:

How old are you guys? You are in direct control of your body and how you look. Are you working out regularly? do you eat right? do you take care  of your skin? do you dress well and wear clothing that fits your body type?  If your overweight and things are saggy go to the gym. You can't fix your spouse he has to want to do that for himself but you can fix you.

you must be young... actually, you are not in direct control of your body.... just wait until you get old.

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25 minutes ago, unseen said:

you must be young... actually, you are not in direct control of your body.... just wait until you get old.

I am old enough to have seen my body change, weight gain, hair fall out etc. I can't eat what I used to eat, my metabolism has slowed, my joints creak and I don't recover from injury like I did when I was 20.

I have seen very mature women look very well for their age. I hope that I never get to a point to where I am not physically attracted to my wife. I also work hard to be attractive for her. Think diet and exercise, not dressing like a slob etc.

 

 

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If you think you're ugly then it's hard to expect other people to think you're not.  Work on that part.  

My mother is 76 years old.  I wish you could meet her.  She's the most beautiful woman on the planet complete with wrinkly skin and varicose veins.  She's beautiful not just because she's from old school habits where she wouldn't set foot outside her bedroom unless she's prettified (my mom is the type who feels it important to spend an hour to become presentable where her nails are coordinated with her clothes and shoes and purse), but also because she has a larger than life unfailingly optimistic personality who can offer gentle compassion and scathing reprimand with equal fervor.  My dad is in awe of her.

Edited by anatess2
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6 hours ago, unseen said:

 I'm interested in hearing from older couples and how they were able to handle getting old together.

My spouse and I are having problems. We now sleep in separate rooms from one another, work schedules are different and we are both very busy so every second of sleep counts - the difference between 6 hrs and 7hrs a night etc. Also, my spouse gets horrible headaches if they have disrupted sleep so they cannot sleep with another person. Anyways, this combined with our changing now old ugly bodies means we have not been with one another for a very long time, and that is taking a toll on me. I feel like we are not married, I feel ugly and unloved. 

You know the Harlow study on monkeys? I feel like one of those baby monkeys - alone. 

I talked to my spouse about it a week ago,he said he was sorry and that he did still love me.  We went to the temple together and he has now started holding my hand, but that is it.  We still sleep in separate rooms.  I used to have my cloths upstairs even though I have not slept up there for a long time.  He suggested that I switch the craft closet for mycloths closet, and yesterday I made it official - I moved all of my cloths downstairs.  He now has his side of the house,l and I have mine.  We are polite and friendly to one another, love one another in a friendly sort of way, but ourmarriage feels like it is over.  I'm now too old and ugly to have anything more than a friendship. .  

 

What to do?

A couple of thoughts here.  

First, unless your husband is a total creep (and I doubt he is from the way you describe him), this has nothing to do with you getting older or heavier or whatever.  There are many forms of beauty, and just about everyone is very beautiful in their own way (although practicing basic hygiene and not having facial tattoos helps).  I think society's ridiculous obsession with beauty, body image, and weight comes from the infiltration of pornography and the destructive way it distorts sexuality.  Being a supermodel is not a requirement for a happy marriage.

Second, what you are going through sometimes happens to people in the course of their marriage - there are many posts about this on this very forum.  The best advice I can give from reading about all of this is to not give up and keep on trying to emotionally connect with your husband, keep the lines of communication open, and have faith that the Lord will guide you through this.

Good luck!

Edited by DoctorLemon
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8 hours ago, unseen said:

We now sleep in separate rooms from one another, work schedules are different and we are both very busy so every second of sleep counts - the difference between 6 hrs and 7hrs a night etc.

 I now [think I'm] too old and ugly to have anything more than a friendship. . 

Well bolded is problem number 1 and problem number 2.

As a man thinkth so is he. So much of life is about self-confidence.  No one likes to be around a party-poper who is always saying, I'm too fat, I'm too old, I'm too ugly, etc. etc. etc. Old and ugly?? if you're still working, you're not that old, what will you be like when you're 80 and have very wrinkly skin. If you don't like the way you look do something about it. And while yes when you get older it is harder to change your body. However, most people who exercise over the long-term (10+ years) don't really care so much about how they look from working out but about how they feel from exercising and eating right. Exercising puts endorphins into the body, makes you look and feel younger, and help your overall well-being. It's amazing what exercising some self-control to take control of a situation can do for you. Taking charge and doing something meaningful to make you look better will naturally make you look better-not because you've actually physically changed, but because you are doing something about what you don't like and taking charge-which will make you feel better inside and that good feeling will radiate out of your body and you will start to look better.

As for the first bolded item-that's the other half of your problem.  You are practically divorced because you don't make the time to actually be married. Unless you are in a situation where you must work, why are you working?

God set up the family and the main family unit (i.e. man and woman) for the man to be the provider (i.e. make money) and for the woman to be the nurturer (i.e. take care of hearth and home). This is the natural order.  There are so many things that a woman can do to contribute to society without the need to work a 9-5 job.  My goodness, the world needs more women to step up and be volunteers for their communities, churches, schools, etc. 

We have society that encourages women to work in the "glorious" rat-race and denigrates women who don't, so both spouses end up working full-time jobs, their schedules don't overlap, they are both exhausted from work, they eat out a bunch (b/c no one wants to cook a healthy meal) and put on more and more weight. etc. etc. etc.  It is such a ludicrous situation that people have bought into this absolute myth that for a woman to have worth they must "break the glass-ceiling".

When it's all said in done, they end up gaining the world, but losing what is most important-family.

You don't need to be an old codger to recognize the root of the problems in your marriage.

Edited by yjacket
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Just now, yjacket said:

 

As for the first bolded item-that's the other half of your problem.  You are practically divorced because you don't make the time to actually be married. Unless you are in a situation where you must work, why are you working?

 

I'm in a situation where I must work.  As I stated in my first post, my husband has health issues - gets horrible migraines, and I suspect will not be working much longer.  

but I guess everyone else has shiny perfect lives  - good for you.

 

Edited by unseen
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Just now, DoctorLemon said:

A couple of thoughts here.  

First, unless your husband is a total creep (and I doubt he is from the way you describe him), this has nothing to do with you getting older or heavier or whatever.  There are many forms of beauty, and just about everyone is very beautiful in their own way (although practicing basic hygiene and not having facial tattoos helps).  I think society's ridiculous obsession with beauty, body image, and weight comes from the infiltration of pornography and the destructive way it distorts sexuality.  Being a supermodel is not a requirement for a happy marriage.

Second, what you are going through sometimes happens to people in the course of their marriage - there are many posts about this on this very forum.  The best advice I can give from reading about all of this is to not give up and keep on trying to emotionally connect with your husband, keep the lines of communication open, and have faith that the Lord will guide you through this.

Good luck!

thanks Dr. Lemon.

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14 hours ago, unseen said:

I'm in a situation where I must work.  As I stated in my first post, my husband has health issues - gets horrible migraines, and I suspect will not be working much longer.  

but I guess everyone else has shiny perfect lives  - good for you.

 

Lol . . .nice snark. You wanted to know what the problem was, I told you, you don't like it and then complain that "everyone has shiny perfect lives". You have not walked in my shoes, and I can guarantee you wouldn't want to walk in my shoes.

The first step in fixing any problem is understanding what the root cause of it is.

You complain that #1 your work schedules are different and your "too busy" and #2 that you are old and ugly.

I tell you well yeah, you've identified your root causes-you and your husband are not acting the role of husband and wife. For #1 if you don't spend time quality time together you marriage won't grow. From what you have said it is plainly obvious that his and your work combined is detrimental to your marriage. My response is since it's detrimental, then don't work and you respond "everyone else has shiny perfect lives".

You complain that you are old and ugly, I say well you can have some measure of control and peace about that, but no that's not good enough as "everyone has shiny perfect lives".

Did you come here to moan and complain, or did you come here for answers?

If you came here to complain, then I'm sorry life can be a punk sometimes, it can suck. I'm sorry you are in such a miserable state.

If you came here for answers then. Look, it's up to you. How important is your marriage? If your marriage isn't that important than just continue down your current path. If it is the most important thing to you besides God then you've got quite a bit of changing to do; and the first thing is to change your attitude. The next thing is to recognize what is causing you to be distant from your spouse, then pray to God that you will find a way to mitigate the things that are causing the problems and then work like crazy to change it.

Edited by yjacket
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1 hour ago, yjacket said:

 

You complain that #1 your work schedules are different and your "too busy" and #2 that you are old and fat.

 

I never said I was fat - actually, I am not... you seem to think there is something wrong with being old?  that happens to everyone... 

so the advice from this forum is to get plastic surgery and airbrush myself?  This is what Mormons believe a healthy relationship is, one that is based on looks?  

nevermind, this is my last post here.

 

 

 

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I'm sad that you feel ugly and unloved. Is that how your husband sees you? As a man, I have to think "shame on him."

I think a husband should always make his wife feel attractive, cherished and loved. After so many years together I would expect he would be way past superficial physical appearance. Once you know a person, beauty and attraction are mostly about what's inside. 

I'm not going to try to analyze your marriage from a few posts by you, and I'm not a counselor anyway. But it sounds like marriage counseling might help you guys figure out how to be happier. Best wishes.

Edited by tesuji
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8 hours ago, unseen said:

I never said I was fat - actually, I am not... you seem to think there is something wrong with being old?  that happens to everyone... 

so the advice from this forum is to get plastic surgery and airbrush myself?  This is what Mormons believe a healthy relationship is, one that is based on looks?  

nevermind, this is my last post here.

 

 

 

??? Okay my fault, you said old and ugly not old and fat, my bad-I changed it for you. No, I don't think there is anything wrong with being old, but you certainly seem to think so as it is part of your complaint.

Please don't misread what people are saying to suite your own tastes.

Edited by yjacket
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I can understand why it might sometimes be helpful to sleep apart but why does this have to mean separate rooms? Surely two beds in the same room would be better than two beds in separate rooms?

I recommend that if you have the time, you find a new hobby or interest that will take you out of the house and that you enjoy doing. If you regularly participate in something you enjoy, some of this joy should carry with you back into the house. That should help to reduce the depression and make you look and feel and be a more desirable and attractive spouse. 

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On July 29, 2016 at 7:31 AM, unseen said:

 I'm interested in hearing from older couples and how they were able to handle getting old together.

My spouse and I are having problems. We now sleep in separate rooms from one another, work schedules are different and we are both very busy so every second of sleep counts - the difference between 6 hrs and 7hrs a night etc. Also, my spouse gets horrible headaches if they have disrupted sleep so they cannot sleep with another person. Anyways, this combined with our changing now old ugly bodies means we have not been with one another for a very long time, and that is taking a toll on me. I feel like we are not married, I feel ugly and unloved. 

You know the Harlow study on monkeys? I feel like one of those baby monkeys - alone. 

I talked to my spouse about it a week ago,he said he was sorry and that he did still love me.  We went to the temple together and he has now started holding my hand, but that is it.  We still sleep in separate rooms.  I used to have my cloths upstairs even though I have not slept up there for a long time.  He suggested that I switch the craft closet for mycloths closet, and yesterday I made it official - I moved all of my cloths downstairs.  He now has his side of the house,l and I have mine.  We are polite and friendly to one another, love one another in a friendly sort of way, but ourmarriage feels like it is over.  I'm now too old and ugly to have anything more than a friendship.  I tell myself it doesn't matter, at least he's a good guy, he works, he's a good father - but I am just depressed, and I don't think it is healthy for the kids.  

 

What to do?

I guess my husband and I are considered an older couple--We are both in our sixties. It is true, that sleep is more difficult to come by, and it doesn't take much to wake us up, and then it might be hours before either of us can go back to sleep. There have been a couple of nights where I have decided to sleep on the couch, but my husband doesn't like it. If we're not in bed together, then he doesn't sleep well either.

If the two of you are experiencing problems with desire/libido, have either of you had your hormone levels checked? Men's testosterone levels drop considerably as they age, and this can have a huge impact on libido. If my husband was no longer in the mood, ever, that would be a big red flag.

Also, do the two of you have any nights where you both have the same schedule? I would make an effort on those nights to sleep in the same bed together. If your husband resists that suggestion, I would seriously think about counseling, and have him get a thorough physical with his testosterone levels checked. In my opinion, sleeping in separate bedrooms is not ideal for a marriage, no matter what age.

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On 7/30/2016 at 7:44 PM, zil said:

I'm not sure airbrushing works in person... <_<  (But the plastic surgery presumably does.)

Having seen her in person a few years before the pic, I'm not so sure there was that much airbrushing going on.  Don't know about the surgery, but one of the local Republican Women's Club members is 64 and could pass for mid 30s if she dyed her gray hair.  No surgery there, just a very active lifestyle and a determination to take care of herself for her husband since he takes care of himself for her.  

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5 hours ago, NightSG said:

Having seen her in person a few years before the pic, I'm not so sure there was that much airbrushing going on.  Don't know about the surgery, but one of the local Republican Women's Club members is 64 and could pass for mid 30s if she dyed her gray hair.  No surgery there, just a very active lifestyle and a determination to take care of herself for her husband since he takes care of himself for her.  

You are apparently correct.  According to the folks who "watch" for celebrity plastic surgery, Emmylou is all natural.  But part of that is that she won the genetic lottery.  Her whole family apparently has youthful looks into the silver years.  She must be part Asian.  ;)

So, it may not be possible for others to "do what she does."

Edited by Guest
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I have great genes for youth, too. Unfortunately I also have great genes for cancer, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and obesity. But at least when I get sick, I'll look good. :P

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1 hour ago, Eowyn said:

I have great genes for youth, too. Unfortunately I also have great genes for cancer, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and obesity. But at least when I get sick, I'll look good. :P

It's better to look good than to feel good.  And let me tell you something, dahling... you, look, mah-velous.

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This is certainly a sad, and potentially, overwhelming, topic. Marriages change. As we age we sling shot from the fiery passions of youth, to getting old. Telomeres aside, there is nothing that stops it. Time ruins everything.

Many of us have experienced it. Even the ugly body. (I used to be tan and thin with a great set of biceps.)

May I suggest that you and your husband see a counselor. I read when Truman Madsen and his wife hit middle age they went to counseling. Not because there was anything hugely wrong, but just for an adjustment. (This may have been suggested, I just have not read all of the posts.)

The issue is not aging, but aging well. Find common ground and work with that. Instead of sleeping in seperate rooms, sleep in the same room with smaller seperate beds. See a physician about the head aches. My wife gets them, I understand.

Just understand you are seen. Crud I can not function in the morning until, after gingerly getting out of bed, I have a hydrocodone and a Lyrica.

Good luck to the both of you.

 

 

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