Questions about Dating


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So, I'm 19 and I've never really dated before but I really like this guy and I am completely clueless on how to initiate anything. I've been on one date in my life (as a favor to a friend), and it was a nightmare. I was semi-comfortable in that situation because I didn't actually have to do any flirting.(Because I wasn't interested and he freaked out when I tried to hug him, even though we've known each other for years.) ANYWAY, I met this other guy in September of 2014 and we hit it off. He was serving in my ward and we became good friends during the 6 months he was in my hometown. We never knowingly flirted, though the entire ward seems to think we're destined to be together. (They've got too much faith in me.) Once I left for college in Idaho, we emailed back and forth. It was never anything flirty, just friendly. But he is going home to Utah in roughly two weeks and I go back to Idaho three days later. I haven't seen him since July 2015, but we're meeting up for lunch in SLC in three weeks with some other guys who served in my ward at the same time. (My mom set it up.) I've never felt the way I feel about him about anyone. There are just a few problems/questions that I have...

1. He's WAY out of my league. (Sure, he put on a few pounds since I last saw him, but he's always handsome to me. I'M the problem. I'm not heinous or anything, I'm just a bit plain and not built like the Utah Barbie dolls that he's used to. This guy is seriously gorgeous, and I just could never compare to what he deserves.)

2. Is it really okay for a girl to ask a guy out? (People are always saying that it's totally okay, but I'm always worried that it would freak a guy out. Does it make a guy feel emasculated at all? I've read that guys don't necessarily like it when a girl makes them feel less manly.)

3. I don't know how to flirt. (All the flirting how-to websites I've seen tell you to say things to guys that I don't think I could or would ever say to him or any other guy. How do I flirt subtly? I don't want to come off as a floozy, but I also don't want to seem uninterested.)

Any help or advice you guys could offer me is MUCH appreciated. I'm kinda freaking out.

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33 minutes ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

1. He's WAY out of my league. Never doubt yourself (Sure, he put on a few pounds since I last saw him, but he's always handsome to me. I'M the problem. Better learn to believe in yourself if you want others to believe in you. I'm not heinous or anything, I'm just a bit plain and not built like the Utah Barbie dolls that he's used to. Not everyone wants a Barbie. You seem to be fixated on the physical appearance. Perhaps he needs more credit given to him. If he is a superficial guy... well who needs him anyway. This guy is seriously gorgeous, and I just could never compare to what he deserves.) Have some self confidence. A lack of self confidence is an unattractive characteristic. Whatever you have to "strut", well strut it like you mean it and do it with confidence. If you best asset is your award winning personality, then let it shine.

2. Is it really okay for a girl to ask a guy out? Yes. The next girl he meets might not be so shy and walk away with your man instead.  (People are always saying that it's totally okay, but I'm always worried that it would freak a guy out. Does it make a guy feel emasculated at all? I've read that guys don't necessarily like it when a girl makes them feel less manly.) Bologna! Chicken girls are dateless girls. 

3. I don't know how to flirt. (All the flirting how-to websites I've seen tell you to say things to guys that I don't think I could or would ever say to him or any other guy. How do I flirt subtly? I don't want to come off as a floozy, but I also don't want to seem uninterested.) If you asked him on the date, then he already knows you are interested. From the point, just be you. Either he likes you or he doesn't. p.s. stay away from "how-to-date" websites. Go be 100% yourself, period.

Any help or advice you guys could offer me is MUCH appreciated. I'm kinda freaking out. Don't freak out. Freaking out, lack of self-confidence, doubt, overly aggressive are all things that would turn me off. Be yourself - period.

I didn't give my spiritual responses... just some knee jerk, "go get it done" responses.

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59 minutes ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

1. He's WAY out of my league. (Sure, he put on a few pounds since I last saw him, but he's always handsome to me. I'M the problem. I'm not heinous or anything, I'm just a bit plain and not built like the Utah Barbie dolls that he's used to. This guy is seriously gorgeous, and I just could never compare to what he deserves.)

Too many less attractive men end up getting the seriously hot girl because they refuse to believe this line of thinking.  Why should it be any different the other way around?

Additionally, I know pop culture will tell you differently, but a man has difficulty resisting a seriously confident and seriously fun woman who is seriously happy.  Sure, men are attracted to the Hollywood beauty type.  But so many men are just as attracted to the personality, confidence, and happiness, of a good woman who may be somewhat plain physically.  And at some point, the inner beauty will overshadow the outer plainness and all he will see is a wonderful daughter of God.

This is assuming he's really as wonderful as you say and he isn't shallow or anything.  But be confident, be fun, be happy and he will have a hard time ignoring how good he feels when he's around you.

59 minutes ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

2. Is it really okay for a girl to ask a guy out? (People are always saying that it's totally okay, but I'm always worried that it would freak a guy out. Does it make a guy feel emasculated at all? I've read that guys don't necessarily like it when a girl makes them feel less manly.)

No.  It does not emasculate him.  There are some hold-outs of an old-fashioned notion that men are supposed to initiate things.  But there is no eternal principle nor a biological one that says this is the natural order of things.  So, go ahead.

59 minutes ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

3. I don't know how to flirt. (All the flirting how-to websites I've seen tell you to say things to guys that I don't think I could or would ever say to him or any other guy. How do I flirt subtly? I don't want to come off as a floozy, but I also don't want to seem uninterested.)

It's really simple:  SMILE AT HIM.  Make casual eye contact when you do it.  Yup, that's it.  

As long as he isn't distracted or completely turned off by you for some reason, just make sure he sees a GENUINE happy, pleasant smile when he looks at you.  Don't be a giggle-bug.  Just be happy that he's around.  Let your smile show it.  Also, giving him a cutesy gift or craft won't hurt either.

What I mean by casual eye contact is this:  Staring at him too much will also be a turn off.  But if you just smile and don't make much eye contact, then he'll think you're just being a pleasant person with everyone.  But if you specifically make eye contact while smiling, then that is something else.

BTW, you'll have to laugh at his jokes as long as they are resembling something funny.

Now in other news... if you want to gain a testimony, you have to feel the Spirit...

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I wasn't sure whether to post this, but it doesn't seem too far off from @NeedleinA's answer, so I will, even though the guys on the forum can probably give you more applicable answers (esp. the young ones).

49 minutes ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

We never knowingly flirted, though the entire ward seems to think we're destined to be together.

In my experience, this kind of thing is willful mass delusion (not to burst any bubbles or anything, but toss it into the "nonsense" heap).

1. Do your best to be in shape and appear your best.  Do NOT assume what another person does / does not like.  Unless they've told you, you really don't know anything but what Hollywood have told you, and they're all liars.  Happy, intelligent, and confident are attractive.  Righteousness is attractive (or if it's not, you want nothing to do with him).  Kindness and generosity (which has nothing to do with money) are attractive.  (The guys on here may tell you something different, if so, they're probably closer to right than I am.)

2. Why not?  Unless you have reason to believe he dislikes this, I don't know what would be wrong with it.  I'll let the guys answer the other parts of this question.  You could always go half-way: "Tonight was great.  I'd love to get together again soon."  (If he doesn't understand that's an expression of interest, you may need a brick.)

3. IMO, good, but that's me.  I think there's way to much pretend / deception / manipulation involved in dating and everyone would be happier if they were simply their best real self.  The ways to be "interested" in another person are the same whoever they are.  The most important thing, IMO, is that if you aren't genuinely interested, you can't fake it; if you are genuinely interested, it will show.  (NOTE: Caring about him as an individual is different from wanting him in your life - one is selfless, one is selfish.)  Ask sincere questions about them.  Give them all of your attention as you listen to their response (don't be thinking about how you're going to reply or what you're going to do next).  Remember what they tell you.  Don't try to top their experience - just share the joy or pain of it.  Express appreciation.  Give sincere replies to questions.  Be open to new / different things.  Don't try to impress them, try to be impressed by them.

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31 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

It's really simple:  SMILE AT HIM.  Make casual eye contact when you do it.  Yup, that's it.  

As long as he isn't distracted or completely turned off by you for some reason, just make sure he sees a GENUINE happy, pleasant smile when he looks at you.  Don't be a giggle-bug.  Just be happy that he's around.  Let your smile show it.  Also, giving him a cutesy gift or craft won't hurt either.

What I mean by casual eye contact is this:  Staring at him too much will also be a turn off.  But if you just smile and don't make much eye contact, then he'll think you're just being a pleasant person with everyone.  But if you specifically make eye contact while smiling, then that is something else.

BTW, you'll have to laugh at his jokes as long as they are resembling something funny.

 

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Here's my 2 cents.

Dating is over-rated.  Be friends.  Go have fun.  No need to put yourself out to have your best foot forward whenever he's around.  If he likes your "daily you" and you like his "daily him", then you can think about asking him to get engaged.  In the meantime, you get to exercise what it means to serve a friend which is a good foundation for serving a spouse.

1. He's WAY out of my league. (Sure, he put on a few pounds since I last saw him, but he's always handsome to me. I'M the problem. I'm not heinous or anything, I'm just a bit plain and not built like the Utah Barbie dolls that he's used to. This guy is seriously gorgeous, and I just could never compare to what he deserves.)

You're not ready for this kind of relationship if you still haven't gone beyond "book cover stuff" to start one.  Friendship is a better option for you.  You get to learn some confidence in who you are and what would make a meaningful relationship.

2. Is it really okay for a girl to ask a guy out? (People are always saying that it's totally okay, but I'm always worried that it would freak a guy out. Does it make a guy feel emasculated at all? I've read that guys don't necessarily like it when a girl makes them feel less manly.)

If your guy is emasculated by you actively pursuing what you want, then he's not ready for this kind of relationship.  Friendship is a better option for you.  He gets to get used to your "can do" personality while he works on his manly confidence.

3. I don't know how to flirt. (All the flirting how-to websites I've seen tell you to say things to guys that I don't think I could or would ever say to him or any other guy. How do I flirt subtly? I don't want to come off as a floozy, but I also don't want to seem uninterested.)

Flirting is not necessary.  I posit, flirting leads to the wrong direction and the wrong impressions.  Friendship is where you need to be.  If he doesn't like you for who you are (and not how sexy you make yourself look/sound/act), then friendship will get him to know you better.

Good luck.

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1 hour ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

1. He's WAY out of my league. (Sure, he put on a few pounds since I last saw him, but he's always handsome to me. I'M the problem. I'm not heinous or anything, I'm just a bit plain and not built like the Utah Barbie dolls that he's used to. This guy is seriously gorgeous, and I just could never compare to what he deserves.)

Quit selling yourself short.

1 hour ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

2. Is it really okay for a girl to ask a guy out? (People are always saying that it's totally okay, but I'm always worried that it would freak a guy out. Does it make a guy feel emasculated at all? I've read that guys don't necessarily like it when a girl makes them feel less manly.)

Totally.  And yes, guys do like being asked out (everyone does).

1 hour ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

3. I don't know how to flirt. (All the flirting how-to websites I've seen tell you to say things to guys that I don't think I could or would ever say to him or any other guy. How do I flirt subtly? I don't want to come off as a floozy, but I also don't want to seem uninterested.)

You are over thinking this.  Just talk to him and enjoy yourselves.  No website can tell you how to be yourself.

1 hour ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

Any help or advice you guys could offer me is MUCH appreciated. I'm kinda freaking out.

Deep breath.  Relax.  Just invited him to do something with you, and let any flowers blossom.  

 

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10 minutes ago, prisonchaplain said:

Most of us married guys are convinced we married up--especially when it comes to physical appearance.  My guess is that if the OP's match with this guy is meant to be, he will one day be thinking the same thing.  :-)

What I've found is that many women we think of as beautiful are only seen that way because of makeup.  Other women who are considered plain are only considered plain because they don't wear makeup.

I saw one lady at work who was a Hollywood beauty type.  Then I got to work with her very closely one day.  I realized that up close it was clear just how much makeup she was wearing.  And up close, I could see what her real features were like.  She wasn't all that attractive.

My wife, on the other hand, never wore makeup when we first met.  And I was dazed and confused anyway.  So, yes, I married up.  On the other hand, I never really thought of myself as very attractive.  But just a while ago, I looked back at our wedding photos and saw myself 20 years ago.  I was a pretty good looking guy.  I just didn't think so at the time.

Yes, my guess is that Ellie here is probably a lot more attractive than she gives herself credit for.  She just doesn't paint up herself.  And that is also attractive to some men.  Many of my friends (when i was younger) said that they want a woman who will look attractive without makeup.

But if you're going to do makeup, I'd recommend Kandee Johnson's advice.  She's just fah - bulous, dah-ling.

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I can still remember listening to a radio evangelist, back in the early 1970s (I was a weird kid) who was answering write-in questions. One had to do with women wearing makeup (again, this was the early 1970s, when most Pentecostal women believed all makeup to be immodest).  He responded:  Some old barns need a coat of paint.

Now I look at Carborendum's post and realize (45 years later) that he was probably referring to us guys.  Yeah--hopefully, "a little dab will do yuh."

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49 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

What I've found is that many women we think of as beautiful are only seen that way because of makeup.  Other women who are considered plain are only considered plain because they don't wear makeup.

Ya think?!

?u=http%3A%2F%2Fcelebritytoob.toobnetwor

 

?u=http%3A%2F%2F3.bp.blogspot.com%2F-FK6


?u=http%3A%2F%2Fblog.themodelstage.com%2

 

Enjoy ?!?

Lehi

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2 hours ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

So, I'm 19 and I've never really dated before but I really like this guy and I am completely clueless on how to initiate anything. I've been on one date in my life (as a favor to a friend), and it was a nightmare. I was semi-comfortable in that situation because I didn't actually have to do any flirting.(Because I wasn't interested and he freaked out when I tried to hug him, even though we've known each other for years.) ANYWAY, I met this other guy in September of 2014 and we hit it off. He was serving in my ward and we became good friends during the 6 months he was in my hometown. We never knowingly flirted, though the entire ward seems to think we're destined to be together. (They've got too much faith in me.) Once I left for college in Idaho, we emailed back and forth. It was never anything flirty, just friendly. But he is going home to Utah in roughly two weeks and I go back to Idaho three days later. I haven't seen him since July 2015, but we're meeting up for lunch in SLC in three weeks with some other guys who served in my ward at the same time. (My mom set it up.) I've never felt the way I feel about him about anyone. There are just a few problems/questions that I have...

1. He's WAY out of my league. (Sure, he put on a few pounds since I last saw him, but he's always handsome to me. I'M the problem. I'm not heinous or anything, I'm just a bit plain and not built like the Utah Barbie dolls that he's used to. This guy is seriously gorgeous, and I just could never compare to what he deserves.)

2. Is it really okay for a girl to ask a guy out? (People are always saying that it's totally okay, but I'm always worried that it would freak a guy out. Does it make a guy feel emasculated at all? I've read that guys don't necessarily like it when a girl makes them feel less manly.)

3. I don't know how to flirt. (All the flirting how-to websites I've seen tell you to say things to guys that I don't think I could or would ever say to him or any other guy. How do I flirt subtly? I don't want to come off as a floozy, but I also don't want to seem uninterested.)

Any help or advice you guys could offer me is MUCH appreciated. I'm kinda freaking out.

Everyone is a bit different, but in my personal experience, relationships go a lot better when both persons are close to being on the same page. If one person is way into the other person and the other is not, then that imbalance tends to lead to things not working out. That doesn't mean that you can't help them get where you are, but if you are super interested, you are going to have to both be incredibly patient, but also realistic with how things are going.

@1) It doesn't matter if you think he's out of your league. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. If he decides he likes you then you will be beautiful to him. Also... along the makeup conversation... I actually think makeup is super fake. Anything that doesn't look really natural I hate.

@2) It is fine if you want to ask him out, but on that date, you need to be on the lookout for clear signs of interest. In fact, at the end of the date ask him directly if he enjoyed it. Additionally, keep in mind that recent RMs have been conditioning themselves to suppress all feelings toward girls for 2 years. Don't be surprised if he is awkward about things.

@3) Don't do anything that you aren't comfortable with. Also realize that sometimes even if you feel like a floozy doing something, on the receiving end it may just be flattering. But be true to yourself.

And there is plenty of truth in that Studio C video. Eye contact and physical contact are excellent ways to flirt. Looking into the eyes of your crush is going to be terrifying, but it shows interest and determination. The attractive kind of confidence. And don't underestimate the power of playful physical contact. You are probably going to feel incredibly uncomfortable doing it regardless (try to make it as un-awkward as you can), but in the subconscious mind of guys, it brings you into the part of his mind that decides if he likes allowing you in his personal space. And if he decides that he likes you, then each touch can feel like lightning (the good kind). And if he decides he is not okay with that.. and he may feel a little awkward... but that probably just means you may want to focus your energies on someone else and try again later.

Anyway, there are 3 reasons he would accept the date: 1 - he is being nice. 2 - he thinks he could/might like you. or 3 - he'd like to get to know you better to find out how he feels.

Main thing you should be trying to find out on that first date, is which reason he's on the date. You should probably let him be the one to initiate a second date either way.

 

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2 hours ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

1. He's WAY out of my league. (Sure, he put on a few pounds since I last saw him, but he's always handsome to me. I'M the problem. I'm not heinous or anything, I'm just a bit plain and not built like the Utah Barbie dolls that he's used to. This guy is seriously gorgeous, and I just could never compare to what he deserves.)

This is just silly you need some more confidence in yourself.  If you think that you are not good enough than you will act that way. Be confidant, dress nice, love the person staring back at you in the mirror and if you don't your not ready for serious dating.

2 hours ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

2. Is it really okay for a girl to ask a guy out? (People are always saying that it's totally okay, but I'm always worried that it would freak a guy out. Does it make a guy feel emasculated at all? I've read that guys don't necessarily like it when a girl makes them feel less manly.)

No not a real man.  Think long term and about the kind of guy that you want to marry. A real man or a man child? a passive follower?  Do you want to cut his legs out from under him before you even start to date, there is a role that both genders play and in our modern society it is very thin and men real men need to hold on to their share of that balance. This includes the role of asking a woman out on a date. If he does not ask don't push the issue.

2 hours ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

3. I don't know how to flirt. (All the flirting how-to websites I've seen tell you to say things to guys that I don't think I could or would ever say to him or any other guy. How do I flirt subtly? I don't want to come off as a floozy, but I also don't want to seem uninterested.)

Just make normal smart conversation.

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1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

Here's my 2 cents.

Dating is over-rated.  Be friends.  Go have fun.  No need to put yourself out to have your best foot forward whenever he's around.  If he likes your "daily you" and you like his "daily him", then you can think about asking him to get engaged.  In the meantime, you get to exercise what it means to serve a friend which is a good foundation for serving a spouse.

Dating is not over rated, it is how you get to know someone one on one before you make the decision to be married.  Getting married hastily is the mistake. Date for a year at least that way you get to see a full cycle of who he is and he gets to see a full cycle of who you are.

Don't ask him to get engaged that's feminist nonsense which will only emasculate him.

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4 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Dating is not over rated, it is how you get to know someone one on one before you make the decision to be married.  Getting married hastily is the mistake. Date for a year at least that way you get to see a full cycle of who he is and he gets to see a full cycle of who you are.

Don't ask him to get engaged that's feminist nonsense which will only emasculate him.

Pfft... its a great way to show interest and get him thinking that way about you without you having to do the stupid "be frustrated while he is too dense to notice your subtle hints" crap.

Just make sure he is the one to initiate a second date and he can keep his man card.

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6 minutes ago, rpframe said:

Pfft... its a great way to show interest and get him thinking that way about you without you having to do the stupid "be frustrated while he is too dense to notice your subtle hints" crap.

Just make sure he is the one to initiate a second date and he can keep his man card.

Who should pay for this first date? Her? or maybe they should go dutch?

Think long term about the kind of guy who needs to be asked out by a girl..........or who doesn't pay....

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4 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Who should pay for this first date? Her? or maybe they should go dutch?

Think long term about the kind of guy who needs to asked out by a girl..........or who doesn't pay....

Doesn't matter. And who says it has to cost anything? I don't think he'll be irreparably damaged if she pays for his $12 dinner once anyway... or if she brings a picnic..

 

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Thank you all so much! You have all dished out a lot of brilliant advice. I'm not so anxious now as I was before, and that's all thanks to the wonderful people who have contributed their thoughts, ideas, and opinions to this thread. I've got the beginnings of a game plan, and I'm going to work hard for the next few weeks and weeks following to be more confident in myself and to not use the media's standards to measure my worth. It was unfair of me to assume that he expects perfection simply because he was blessed with dashing good looks. I know that he isn't superficial or vain. 

I realized today that we became close in the first place because each of us was being our real selves. So that's how I'm going about this. I'm going to be who I've always been. (Except probably a little more mature, because I was 17 when we met and college changes a person.) 

If things go the way I hope they will, great. If not, things may change once he's settled back into his life. If they never do, it's not like there aren't thousands of single men who go to school with me. I'll get over it after a while.

:)

Edited by EllieBelle2015
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45 minutes ago, EllieBelle2015 said:

If they never do, it's not like there aren't thousands of single men who go to school with me. I'll get over it after a while.

I think if you can keep this thought in your mind, it will help you keep calm, take the pressure off, be yourself and not blurt out "MARRY ME!" :D

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