Mormon non-temple weddings?

[carlimac]

I attended a wedding recently and it was kind of disappointing. It was a wedding of two good kids. One of them had had some struggles in earlier years and had been ex-communicated, but recently re-baptized. The other was a returned missionary who had no record of church discipline. Since the re-baptism had been recent, the wedding wasn't in the temple. But the couple has every intention to be sealed when it's been a year. These are two really good active LDS kids who are now living the gospel and have full family support on both sides. Reason to rejoice in this union!!

But the wedding itself was so lackluster and quick. Rushed!  And there was such a feeling of tension. I'm not sure why other than one of the kids is the child of a member of the stake leadership. He was performing the marriage and  was reading it out of a big black binder. So I assume there is a script for LDS non-temple weddings. I also have to assume there was a degree of embarrassment that his child had to be married outside of the temple.  The whole thing, including the bridesmaids and groomsmen, flower girl and ringbearer walking in, took about 6 1/2 minutes. If someone arrived 7 min late they missed the whole thing. He said he had the liberty to say a few words before the actual marriage but chose to say something that took about 30 seconds. Maybe 45. He's usually an eloquent and inspirational speaker.  I just thought there should have been more praise for the couple making good choices, encouragement to start a family that will be exemplary, keeping love and romance alive, all that sappy stuff that you even hear in temple weddings, but also non-LDS weddings. This wedding was as stiff as cardboard. I felt so bad. The bride was gorgeous, the groom handsome, the yard decorated beautifully and all of us delighted to be there. But the spirit of love and celebration was not there. 

So I wonder a few things. 1) Do we as Mormons just not know how to do secular weddings?  2) Are we still mourning over this person's past sins even though they were washed away with re-baptism? Can't we be happy for the progress made in the right direction? Or do we still have to act as if the wedding was really a time for sadness because they weren't being sealed...yet?

3) Is this perhaps intentional on the part of church authority to keep it quick and lacking in celebration in order to discourage others from doing it that way? Are we being kept from an infusion of the spirit to keep them and everyone on the edge of their seat waiting for the "real thing" in the temple in a year? 

I've been to other weddings outside the temple that were not performed by an LDS bishop. One was an LDS girl and non-LDS boy. And the wedding was pure joy and love and celebration as well as being one of the most spiritual weddings I've ever attended.  But this one was blah.

 

 

[Guest]

It sounds like it was probably just that wedding. We've had a few non-temple LDS weddings in my family, or ring ceremonies outside the temple to include non-members, and they were sweet and joyful. 

I do have to say, my cousin married a few years ago in this exact scenario, she being the RM who was waiting for her fiance/husband to get a recommend. She's still waiting.

[Jane_Doe]

33 minutes ago, carlimac said:

Reason to rejoice in this union!!

TOTALLY!!!!

It sounds like the SP member just was a really bad Master of Ceremony (for lack of a better term I can think of right now).  I have attended some beautiful LDS non-temple weddings, and LDS-other weddings (including my own).   The Bishop presided at my wedding and it was awesome and totally spirit filled.

33 minutes ago, carlimac said:

So1) Do we as Mormons just not know how to do secular weddings?

Knowing how to "do" a wedding well is very much a matter of experience, and a good wedding is largely the result of seeing it done many times and learning from other's mistakes.  If someone breaks with the typical culture of weddings, then people have less experience to go off of and there are more mix ups.  

Therefore, someone who's only done temple weddings doesn't have much experience with "regular" weddings.  And a person used to "regular" weddings doesn't understand how to do a temple wedding.   And many many more examples.

33 minutes ago, carlimac said:

2) Are we still mourning over this person's past sins even though they were washed away with re-baptism?  Can't we be happy for the progress made in the right direction? Or do we still have to act as if the wedding was really a time for sadness because they weren't being sealed...yet?

I'm not a mind reader here, so make no judgements.  But they should be celebrating at this joyous and righteous occasion.  And yes, a non-temple marriage is a RIGHTEOUS occasion (yes, it's not a sealing, but is a righteous step in the right direction).

33 minutes ago, carlimac said:

3) Is this perhaps intentional on the part of church authority to keep it quick and lacking in celebration in order to discourage others from doing it that way? Are we being kept from an infusion of the spirit to keep them and everyone on the edge of their seat waiting for the "real thing" in the temple in a year? 

That is not Church policy.  Again, I'm guessing the SP member just really dropped the ball here.

 

[Blackmarch]

1 hour ago, carlimac said:

I attended a wedding recently and it was kind of disappointing. It was a wedding of two good kids. One of them had had some struggles in earlier years and had been ex-communicated, but recently re-baptized. The other was a returned missionary who had no record of church discipline. Since the re-baptism had been recent, the wedding wasn't in the temple. But the couple has every intention to be sealed when it's been a year. These are two really good active LDS kids who are now living the gospel and have full family support on both sides. Reason to rejoice in this union!!

But the wedding itself was so lackluster and quick. Rushed!  And there was such a feeling of tension. I'm not sure why other than one of the kids is the child of a member of the stake leadership. He was performing the marriage and  was reading it out of a big black binder. So I assume there is a script for LDS non-temple weddings. I also have to assume there was a degree of embarrassment that his child had to be married outside of the temple.  The whole thing, including the bridesmaids and groomsmen, flower girl and ringbearer walking in, took about 6 1/2 minutes. If someone arrived 7 min late they missed the whole thing. He said he had the liberty to say a few words before the actual marriage but chose to say something that took about 30 seconds. Maybe 45. He's usually an eloquent and inspirational speaker.  I just thought there should have been more praise for the couple making good choices, encouragement to start a family that will be exemplary, keeping love and romance alive, all that sappy stuff that you even hear in temple weddings, but also non-LDS weddings. This wedding was as stiff as cardboard. I felt so bad. The bride was gorgeous, the groom handsome, the yard decorated beautifully and all of us delighted to be there. But the spirit of love and celebration was not there. 

So I wonder a few things. 1) Do we as Mormons just not know how to do secular weddings?  2) Are we still mourning over this person's past sins even though they were washed away with re-baptism? Can't we be happy for the progress made in the right direction? Or do we still have to act as if the wedding was really a time for sadness because they weren't being sealed...yet?

3) Is this perhaps intentional on the part of church authority to keep it quick and lacking in celebration in order to discourage others from doing it that way? Are we being kept from an infusion of the spirit to keep them and everyone on the edge of their seat waiting for the "real thing" in the temple in a year? 

I've been to other weddings outside the temple that were not performed by an LDS bishop. One was an LDS girl and non-LDS boy. And the wedding was pure joy and love and celebration as well as being one of the most spiritual weddings I've ever attended.  But this one was blah.

 

 

If the person conducting the wedding doesnt have any previous experience with such it might feel a little disjointed (which in utah is probably more comon in some areas). Ive been to a non temple wedding performed by an lds bishop and it was great, and one that was between an lds girl and someone from another christian faith performed by a pastor, and it was decent.

Probably comes down to experience and effort put into it.

[Blackmarch]

To add, how elaborate the ceremony is, is generally up to the couple getting married and/or their parents. I know of ceremonies that were pretty much just a technicality or treated just as astep to the temple ceremony, and others that were very elaborate. Most fall somewhere in between.

[Backroads]

I had a cousin have a non-temple LDS wedding and I can't help but think they were going to cheap. No decorations to speak of, married in the Relief Society room, a sheet cake.

Fortunately I've since seen better weddings of the subject that lead me to think that wedding was just that wedding.

The temple is a gorgeous wedding. No reason to not be gorgeous just because you're not at the temple.

[Guest]

11 hours ago, carlimac said:

I attended a wedding recently and it was kind of disappointing.

But the wedding itself was so lackluster and quick. Rushed!  And there was such a feeling of tension.

... But this one was blah.

My first question would be whether the feeling was just you or if you know others felt the same thing?  How many?  Could it be that both families were just boring people -- not criticizing.  I'm a pretty boring person and so is my wife.

Second: Can it be that you just had higher expectations that were not met?  The temple ceremony itself is not very long.  All the hoopla preceding my own sealing seemed more like a business deal and bureaucracy to me.  So, what is the expectation?

I married a couple outside the temple.  I came up with a few words to say -- some words praising the couple and words of advice for them to stay happy while they are married.  It was concise but had everything I intended to say -- maybe a minute.  They each had also prepared some words to say to each other.  That was about a minute each.  The actual ceremony took maybe a minute.  

Everyone seemed happy afterwards.  I got compliments on my words.  Many were glad the ceremony was brief.  Everyone was more interested in the reception than the wedding itself.  But this is not to say they weren't excited about the couple getting married.  They were all very happy for them.  There was no fanfare or great drawn out ceremony.  That's the way they wanted it.  Everyone was satisfied.  And we "got the job done".

Third: If you can really verify that the great majority of the people there didn't feel happy about the occasion, do you know the motivation?  Without that, I don't know if we can answer your questions.  But I can say that it is not a Church-wide cultural thing.  Some people just want a less fancy wedding.

[NeuroTypical]

I've got some good stories about non-temple weddings performed by LDS folks.  

- My buddy got a girl pregnant and 'had' to get married.  The whole event seemed to be centered around helping the mom cope with such soul-crushing disappointment.  The marriage lasted a year or two.

- My boss married a lady to get even with his evil ex-wife.  There are many good things that can be said about him, but maybe the bad things outweighed it all.  I remember the ceremony was held in the cultural hall, right under the basketball hoop, which nobody had bothered to raise up and out of the way.  I remember thinking that in this room full of strangers I had never met, all the ones that knew him were worried they hadn't done enough to warn the bride.  I could see it in their faces.  The marriage lasted like a couple weeks - I guess enough people had warned her, that when she finally saw it for herself, she admitted it.

- I've been to a handful of weddings that were positive and fun, full of love and hope.  Not particularly memorable, but certainly not the negative experiences we're talking about in this thread. 

- I've listened to several bishops talk about their experiences - for the most part they were grateful and happy for the opportunity to help folks with issues move upwards a few steps to a new level of less issues.  

[NeuroTypical]

36 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

I married a couple outside the temple.  

Oh man!  Now I am having regrets.  If I had only taken a different path, I could have been married by Carb.

[NeuroTypical]

Of course, my non-LDS wedding stories are much more memorable and interesting.

- I was one of two best men, my wife was one of two bridesmaids.   The other best man and bridesmaid were two protection-trained rottweilers, spiked collars and everything, and we all made up the wedding procession.  It was hard to get the doggies to walk slowly to the pace of the music.

- My buddy in the above story (with the disappointed mom) went on to get himself a cheapo credential off the internet, and performed one of the first legal same-sex marriages in Utah, shortly after the law took effect.

- I've never met someone who personally did the "get married for a weekend so we can have sin-free sex and God and our parents will be ok if they ever find out" wedding.  But I know they exist, I have reliable 2ndhand information.

Edited August 22, 2016 by NeuroTypical

[zil]

46 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

I married a couple outside the temple.

Was this before or after you married your wife?  And a couple of whats?

11 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Oh man!  Now I am having regrets.  If I had only taken a different path, I could have been married by Carb.

Or maybe to him.

[Guest]

43 minutes ago, zil said:

Was this before or after you married your wife?  And a couple of whats?

Or maybe to him.

So a man married 100 women but never got divorced and is not a widower...

[Guest Godless]

11 hours ago, Blackmarch said:

If the person conducting the wedding doesnt have any previous experience with such it might feel a little disjointed (which in utah is probably more comon in some areas). Ive been to a non temple wedding performed by an lds bishop and it was great, and one that was between an lds girl and someone from another christian faith performed by a pastor, and it was decent.

Probably comes down to experience and effort put into it.

Agreed. My wife and I were married by an LDS bishop because he was an old friend of the family. He pretty much just stuck with the LDS script and seemed a bit nervous during the ceremony. I'm not sure how many non-temple weddings he's performed, but I'm guessing not very many. And I'm sure he's never married two unbelievers before either. We had a sand ceremony immediately following his portion, conducted by my best friend. The general consensus among our guests (half of whom weren't LDS) seemed to be that the sand ceremony felt like a more authentic and moving tribute to our union.

FWIW, we're very grateful to the bishop for lending his services. Given how long I've known his family, it was very cool to have him be a part of our wedding. 

Edited August 22, 2016 by Godless

[LeSellers]

31 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

So a man married 100 women but never got divorced and is not a widower...

Obviously, the Reverend Doctor performed 100 marriages.

Lehi

[Just_A_Guy]

13 hours ago, carlimac said:

And there was such a feeling of tension. I'm not sure why other than one of the kids is the child of a member of the stake leadership. He was performing the marriage and  was reading it out of a big black binder. So I assume there is a script for LDS non-temple weddings.
 

There is a script in CHI-1, which also dictates that only a currently-serving Stake President, Bishop, Branch President, Mission President, or LDS military chaplain can officiate at weddings.  If the officiator wasn't in one of those categories, maybe that's why he was so nervous.    And it's also worth noting that temple weddings can also be very, very fast--especially the actual sealing ceremony (at mine, I sorely tempted to say "wait--that's it?").

Generally speaking--the instructions do say that the ceremony should be kept relatively simple and avoid "pomp".  But based on your OP, I'd guess there are other social concerns at work here.

[carlimac]

On 8/22/2016 at 10:29 AM, Just_A_Guy said:

There is a script in CHI-1, which also dictates that only a currently-serving Stake President, Bishop, Branch President, Mission President, or LDS military chaplain can officiate at weddings.  If the officiator wasn't in one of those categories, maybe that's why he was so nervous.    And it's also worth noting that temple weddings can also be very, very fast--especially the actual sealing ceremony (at mine, I sorely tempted to say "wait--that's it?").

Generally speaking--the instructions do say that the ceremony should be kept relatively simple and avoid "pomp".  But based on your OP, I'd guess there are other social concerns at work here.

The officiator was one of those. I think there were other emotions and thought processes going on between the parents and child that made it feel odd.