Shouldn't men propose without a ring?

[Guest]

I honestly think it's a better idea to propose to a girl, then together go pick out a ring of her choosing instead of surprising her with a ring and saying tough luck this is your ring.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

That would not have gone over well with my wife, to her a proposal without a ring is not a proposal.  We did shop for wedding bands together though.

[Jane_Doe]

Most couples nowadays go pick out a ring together, purchase, and the he gives it to her during the official proposal.

[Guest Godless]

Depends on the girl. My wife would have laughed in my face if I tried proposing without a ring. She also would have thrown the ring at my head (her words) if it had been a diamond ring. The trick is to find out what she likes (London blue topaz) and work from there. 

 

Conversely, my sister and her boyfriend mutually decided they were getting married, she picked out and bought the ring by herself, then gave it to him so he could propose formally. I know a lot of women would be appalled by this approach.

Edited August 27, 2016 by Godless

[zil]

And I am baffled at how many women find such importance in (the tradition surrounding) a hunk of metal & mineral.

From all this, I conclude it's better to find the girl first and figure out the proposal details second.

[Guest]

Faramir proposed with one of my costume rings that he stole from my apartment. He got it to get correct sizing to design have a ring made for me. Thankfully he couldn't wait for the ring to pop the question.  I was thrilled he asked. I do love the ring, but more because of the fact that he designed it just for me than its value or composition. It's not what I thought I wanted, if I were to choose, but I do love it.

Then again, I think I would have been as happy with a gold band. I was just so thrilled he wanted to marry me.

[estradling75]

When I was getting ready to propose I had no idea about the difference kind of rings or what she might like...

But I did have a younger sister that worked at a jewellery counter at a local store...  she was very helpful in pointing in the right direction... after helping me pick then she turned her deviousness to good use.

She was friends with my wife-to-be so she called her up for whatever reason and had my wife-to-be meet her at work.  She turns the conversion to the rings on display and got her opinions on the various rings...  she liked the one I picked and my sister let me know

[Just_A_Guy]

Just_A_Girl and I discussed marriage, weddings, etc. thoroughly before I ever popped the question. We had also gone ring-browsing--and in fact, because she had sensitive skin and wanted to make sure the metal wouldn't cause an allergic reaction, the jeweler let her borrow the ring (sans diamond) and she wore it around for a few days, about a month before we were formally engaged.

This is purely a matter of taste, but IMHO:  any girl who expects to be surprised by such a monumental event as a marriage proposal--or by a gift whose cost easily exceeds a thousand dollars and that she very well may dislike--is a girl who lacks the practicality, frugality, and deliberateness that I personally consider essential in a marriage partner.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Just_A_Guy

[Jane_Doe]

My husband asked me "would you mind if I asked you to marry me on Dec 1st, and then we will do ring shopping?"  For the next month, he talked about how excited he was for Dec 1 come, and then he officially popped to question and went ring shopping.  And 3 month later I finally made up my mind what ring I wanted

[Guest]

If you want to surprise the girl how do you find out her ring size?

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, Zarahemla said:

If you want to surprise the girl how do you find out her ring size?

1. Find a girl

2. Date her for a long time and be sure you're both on the same page

3. Be sneaky and creative... or, when you're talking about marriage, ask her ring size. 

[Guest]

I didn't have a ring when I proposed to my wife.  After we got engaged, and when we went ring shopping, we quickly came to the realization that we did not want to spend very much on a ring or even the wedding.  So, we did the ring and the wedding on a very small, very controlled budget, and instead booked a really nice honeymoon.

What can I say?  I guess we just are not jewelry people!  

[prisonchaplain]

I honestly thought the purpose of the OP's question was going to be that the dude should propose first, in case the gal says, "No." 

[LostMomma]

I wanted to be surprised when my boyfirend, now husband, proposed. Mostly I felt that there was too much emphasis on the ring. It seemed more like a status symbol than a token of love and commitment. I wanted him to choose because I felt it was a gift and anything he chose would be because he knew and loved me. And every time I'd look at the ring I'd know it was a gift chosen in love. Also, I didn't want him going into debt over the ring. So, if he bought it without me he wouldn't feel embarrassed if I accidentally picked one he couldn't afford. However, he felt, since I'd be wearing it for the rest of my life, I should choose. So, in the spirit of keeping my wish to be surprised he went to Walmart and bought me a $10 ring, proposed and then took me shopping. I loved the Walmart one so much we tried to find a real one that looked like it. The crazy thing is it took a couple of weeks to find a similar ring. So I wore the Walmart one in the mean time and got tons of compliments on how pretty it was. I still have it tucked in the front of my jewlery box so I see it everyday. I love looking at both rings because they both tell the story of how our family began.  

[Sunday21]

5 hours ago, prisonchaplain said:

I honestly thought the purpose of the OP's question was going to be that the dude should propose first, in case the gal says, "No." 

Once again, you are very insightful! Good point. Also is it kind or considerate to propose in public? Is this not a bit controlling? Or at least unwise?

[Sunday21]

7 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

I didn't have a ring when I proposed to my wife.  After we got engaged, and when we went ring shopping, we quickly came to the realization that we did not want to spend very much on a ring or even the wedding.  So, we did the ring and the wedding on a very small, very controlled budget, and instead booked a really nice honeymoon.

What can I say?  I guess we just are not jewelry people!  

You are wise people with an eternal focus and best of all on the same page!

[Guest Godless]

3 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

Once again, you are very insightful! Good point. Also is it kind or considerate to propose in public? Is this not a bit controlling? Or at least unwise?

Again, depends on the girl. One of my employees proposed to his wife on the jumbotron at a Spurs game. They're both huge sports junkies, so it was the perfect proposal for them. My wife would have kicked me to the curb if I did that. I proposed to her at a very nice restaurant in Baltimore. We had a few spectators quietly cheer for us and management gave us a bottle of bubbly on the house. It was quiet, romantic, and perfect for us. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you truly know the person you're proposing to, it shouldn't be too hard to figure out the ideal way to do it.

[estradling75]

If you don't know the girl well enough to be highly confident she will say yes... then you don't know the girl well enough to ask.

Now a lot of people are talking about "surprising her" and on that I am both yes and no...  If it is such a surprise that she doesn't know her answer when you ask then you have failed.  You should have been discussing marriage enough that by the time you ask she should already knows her answer.  So at that level it should never be a surprise.  On the matter of locations, timing, ring type/existence...  sure all that can be a surprise...  But they should be well-informed surprises that show that you have been listening and understanding her

 

 

[Guest MormonGator]

44 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

If you don't know the girl well enough to be highly confident she will say yes... then you don't know the girl well enough to ask.

 

Among the most sad/awkward things I ever saw in my life was when a guy proposed-and the girl was not ready for it. In fact, she ran off crying and the guy-still on one knee-was just kneeling there in front of everyone. it wasn't funny, it was mortifying. 

[prisonchaplain]

54 minutes ago, estradling75 said:

If you don't know the girl well enough to be highly confident she will say yes... then you don't know the girl well enough to ask.

 

I want to couple this with @Sunday21 post.  Common sense says, "Yes."  If so, then it would not be too controlling to make the proposal in public (small or large crowd). Misreads happen though.  The guy is totally in love.  The gal has been dating him for several months, or longer.  He believes the connection is established, makes that grand proposal, with expensive ring, in front of a fair-sized crowd.  She looks shocked, starts to cry, and runs out of the room/venue.  Now the fellow seems a bit foolish for buying the pricey ring, and controlling for thinking that she would be pushed to the "yes" by a crowd that supports him.

Still, I'm traditional enough that it seems tacky not to include the ring.  If the relationship is comfortable enough that an informal "Do you wanna," gets followed by the formal proposal, then cool.  It just seems empty to propose with no token in hand.  As for public vs. private--yeah, that's an individual call.

Edited August 28, 2016 by prisonchaplain

[Latter-Day Marriage]

17 hours ago, Eowyn said:

1. Find a girl

2. Date her for a long time and be sure you're both on the same page

3. Be sneaky and creative... or, when you're talking about marriage, ask her ring size. 

Get her sister, bff or even her mom to find out and tell you, as long as you can trust them to keep it secret an do it in a way to not arouse suspicions.  Or just get it resized after the fact.  That's what we did, but my wife nearly lost the ring when it slipped off her finger in a poorly lit parking lot before we could get it sized.

When I went shopping for a ring it was king of spur of the moment.  I had been praying to know if the time was right and the answer hit me on a Saturday morning, so I went shopping for a ring right then.  I didn't want one where the diamond pokes right out just asking to catch on everything.  I found one that had a nice sized diamond in the center, and on each side was a cluster of 3 small ones that angled down from the top of the central one to the band.  It was perfect.  Now that we have 6 kids she says the central diamond is me, and the little ones are the kids, but I didn't think of it that way at the time.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

21 hours ago, zil said:

And I am baffled at how many women find such importance in (the tradition surrounding) a hunk of metal & mineral.

From all this, I conclude it's better to find the girl first and figure out the proposal details second.

When a guy is willing to lay out a bunch of $$$ for an engagement ring she knows it is a serious commitment.  Talk is cheap.  Also, I think there is something about having a visible token of belonging to somebody that appeals to them, a status symbol of sorts.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 hour ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

I think there is something about having a visible token of belonging to somebody that appeals to them, a status symbol of sorts.

LadyGator and I have tattoos instead of rings. That's our status symbol. 
 

22 hours ago, zil said:

And I am baffled at how many women find such importance in (the tradition surrounding) a hunk of metal & mineral.

I totally understand Zil and I think that's wonderful of you to think that way, for sure. I am so glad I didn't buy you an engagement ring when you became number 4. Or 5. Or 6, who knows at this point?

However, I like being able to buy LadyGator nice things that mean something to us. IE-a bracelet that is a replica of one a famous duchess wore. It means something to us because it's somewhat obscure and took a lot of thought to purchase. That's strictly a Gator/LadyGator thing. She doesn't demand nice jewelry or make me feel bad if I don't shower her with things the way Richard Burton showered Liz Taylor. So that's a huge plus too. 

[zil]

2 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

When a guy is willing to lay out a bunch of $$$ for an engagement ring she knows it is a serious commitment.  Talk is cheap.  Also, I think there is something about having a visible token of belonging to somebody that appeals to them, a status symbol of sorts.

Or she knows he values tradition / arbitrarily-valued metal & mineral more than financial responsibility - the dumb things are like cars - they're practically worthless the minute you drive it off the lot...

PS: I'm a woman, in case you didn't know that, and in case it puts my comment in a different light for you.

PPS: It's fine with me if other women want rings, and when they want them.  My point was that he should know the woman he's proposing to rather than planning now a proposal that may not work for the woman he decides to marry, and rather than making a global rule for guys to follow.  (By the time I replied, we had no fewer than 3 different opinions from women on what he should do - making it clear that what he should do depended on the woman involved.)

[zil]

PPPS: I never said I don't like rings.  I said I don't understand why people place such importance on them (implicit in that is the qualifier "such importance as some in this thread have described").  Different thing entirely.