Developing Compassion


Guest
 Share

Recommended Posts

Does anyone have advice for developing compassion?

It seems that over the past several months I've become quite the curmudgeon.  I'm getting highly judgmental.  I'm not very patient with people.  I'm quick to condemn and slow to praise or forgive.  This isn't the way I want to be.  I've never really been a whole lot better.  But lately it seems like these bad traits have gone into overdrive.

Suggestions?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you have any children?  (Or a pet?)  If so, think about how much you love the child, and how you would be very sad if someone hurt that child in any way, including by being mean to your child.  Think about how you love your child so much it hurts.  Think about when your child was a baby, and how much you wanted to protect your child from the outside world.

Now, think about how we are very much Heavenly Father's children.  He loves each of us a thousand times more than we can ever imagine, and He worries about us, even those of us who are a little trying at times.  He desperately wants to protect all of us, like a father would.   It crushes Him when we are mean to others, because He loves that other person so much.

That is how I learned compassion - by holding onto the above sentiment.  Being kind to others does matter very much, especially to Heavenly Father, who loves and worries about us all.

Edited by DoctorLemon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Carborendum I haven't noticed it here, except that you have made mention of it in a couple of your posts. Do you think this has manifested itself lately as a result of work? I know you mentioned work was slow or slowing down. I'm a business owner like yourself. For me my compassion is extra lacking when I feel overly stressed or overwhelmed at work. When work feels overwhelming or sales are slow I can get real irritable as I feel the financial weight of taking care of employees, their families, bills, etc. I find that I am not the most personable person to be around, I have a short attention span, and can become very chop chop. I find that when things are good with sales and the financial pressures are off, I am a lot more happy to be around. 

Owning your own business is a never ending burden or joy. There never is a "clocking out" moment. It feels like a relentless beast sometimes that never sleeps. The more I force myself to find joy in life, the happier I have become with work despite sales or not. I force myself to take vacations. I have mandatory lunch appointments with my wife each week. I listen to more music at work now. I enjoy spending many moments hanging out on a certain religious forum during the day too. ;) Avoiding those periodic antagonist who pop on said forum helps me out too, hah.

Edited by NeedleinA
Link to comment
Share on other sites

25 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

...

That is how I learned compassion - by holding onto the above sentiment.  Being kind to others does matter very much, especially to Heavenly Father, who loves and worries about us all.

While I appreciate your time in writing this, it is easier said than done, isn't it?  I'm in serious need of help on this.  

When you asked about my children, I was thinking, "but it's easy to love my children.  They're really fantastic."  But as the Lord said -- even evil people love the people who love them.  So, how are we any better?  We need to love our enemies.  This is the difficult part.

The difficulty is fed by being judgmental.  I see people with so few redeeming qualities, it is difficult to see them through the eyes of a parent, except one that would be very disappointed in them and possibly want to disown them.  I suppose I need to see them through the eyes of a perfect parent.  And I'm not one.

16 minutes ago, NeedleinA said:

Do you think this has manifested itself lately as a result of work?... I find that I am not the most personable person to be around, I have a short attention span, and can become very chop chop. I find that when things are good with sales and the financial pressures are off, I am a lot more happy to be around. 

Part of it is through work.  I have to currently deal with several people who are completely incompetent.  But due to circumstances beyond my control, I cannot fire them.  This is digging into my psyche.

Some of it is through politics and current events.  I see things going on in the world... the things people are doing and I keep wondering how people can do such stupid and/or evil things.  I still know there is a lot of good out there.  But it's all eating away at me.

And recently, I've been taking on a lot more commitments from work, church, recreation, etc.  But (not intended to be a plug) I created a planner that is somewhat based on the Franklin, but with some customizations for my wife and me.  It's really helping.

It may be easy to blame it on external things.  But the fact is that I never really learned to internalize the quality of charity.  Even during the good times, I have little patience for people whom I deem incompetent.  Maybe I need to start "praying with all the energy of heart".

Edited by Guest
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I to struggle with compassion towards my fellow man

President Uchdorf gave a talk: The Merciful Obtain Mercy

Great talk in it he says:

The people around us are not perfect. People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way.

Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord’s way.

Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.

Lay your burden at the Savior’s feet. Let go of judgment. Allow Christ’s Atonement to change and heal your heart. Love one another. Forgive one another.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

35 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

And recently, I've been taking on a lot more commitments from work, church, recreation, etc. 

I'm not a great person when it comes to compassion...

Perhaps disengaging from extra things for a while and condensing your life's work load to essentials. My wife and I almost held hands and walked off a cliff a couple years ago because we had become so overwhelmed with extra stuff we couldn't take it. So what we tried for a while:

1. Stopped being hosts/volunteering:  Stopped hosting dinners, stopped have the missionaries over for dinner 4 times a month too, stopped volunteering for everything
2. Stopped watching or listening to the NEWS: I limit myself to 15 minutes a day on my way to work listening to NPR. That is it, nothing more. Otherwise you get sucked into a doom gloom world is going to he** perspective.
3. Stopped with a lot of extras: Got rid of two life long hobbies, freed up tons of time and reduced bucket loads of stress.
4. Stopped....

You get the point I hope. I just started dumping a lot of stuff of my plate and realized I can't change the affairs of the world, so stop worrying about it, and I can only walk so fast so stop trying to run everywhere.

Mosiah 4:27 And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.

Edited by NeedleinA
Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Carborendum, I suspect you and I are not so different in this regard.  I have little patience for people I have to interact with professionally who are either incompetent, inconsiderate / thoughtless, or just plain lazy.  I also learned long ago what I'm like if I take on too much, and now I just refuse to do so.  Even with my new calling, notorious for demanding lots of time, I'm not going to give it so much that I know it would overload me.  IMO, this is something that doesn't change with practice - we all have our max load, and while we might be able to increase our capacity a bit, I really don't think we can increase it that much from our "natural" limit.  Instead, we have to prioritize, and make use of organizational skills, efficiency, and similar tools to ensure we accomplish as much as we reasonably can.

Here are random thoughts which I've heard over the years.  Perhaps one of them will trigger an idea for you:

1) Prayer.  Compassion, or charity, is a gift.  I personally find it easier to feel though the Spirit a witness of how much God and Jesus Christ love others than for me to feel my own love for them.  I also know from personal experiences that when you need to change something which you don't entirely want or know how to change, the following sequence works: pray (in every private prayer) to be changed; do all the things you know are right, to the best of your ability; repeat; for years.

2) Pray for help to learn how to choose to be happy, then practice choosing to be happy.  Even the most annoying person is less annoying when you're happy.

3) Off-load, increase efficiency, prioritize (and do first things first), organize, etc.  All those tools which help you to accomplish more in less time.

4) Every time a person shows up, before you speak, and before you let them speak*, say to yourself something like: "Whatever I say or do to this person, I say or do to my Savior."  I expect this habit will take years to develop (I certainly haven't come close to mastering it). (*I've found that if I say, "Give me just a second" and stare at the computer screen, people will generally wait until I look at them.)

5) If your interactions are predictable, set aside 5-10 minutes (e.g. before a meeting or at the beginning of the work day) and write down (don't just think it) all the things you're worried about - what they'll do, what you'll do, the outcome of that, etc. etc.  Just ramble onto paper for the full time.  This gets the emotional signals in the brain out of the way so that the rest of your brain doesn't have to process them (and the rest of your brain has no choice - if there are emotional signals flying around, they have to be processed).  When done, toss the paper or lock it up, or whatever - it serves no purpose except to get the emotions out of the way.

6) Get enough sleep.  Make sleep a high priority.  Lack of sleep literally makes people stupid.  So what if some people function well on 6 hours of sleep - if you need 8, you need 8 and that's that - take them.  Sleep is another thing that you cannot significantly adjust your need for.  Sure, if you learn to sleep deeply, and keep a routine 7 days / week, you'll feel more rested after your usual sleep and might only need 7.5 hours instead of 8, but if your body naturally needs 8, there's not really anything you can do to make it only need 5.  (In there was the implicit: keep the same schedule 7 days a week - the body likes routine, let it have this one.)

FWIW.

Edited by zil
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 minutes ago, zil said:

6) Get enough sleep.  Make sleep a high priority.  Lack of sleep literally makes people stupid. 

All great thoughts Zil. This one in particular is a Needle killer! Lack of sleep turns this guy muy estupido! Skipping meals also. 

I never tend to realize just how bad I really needed that nap or vacation until it is over with!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find that the better I know people, the harder it is for me to judge or criticize them (barring situations of abuse or law-breaking). I try to see people through the lens in which I want people to see me: taking into consideration my circumstances, my limitations, my strengths, my weaknesses. Of course this is a hard thing that I'm trying to learn to do, and that people rarely do for me... except those that know me. Why do we tolerate family so well? Because they're way better than everyone else? Probably not. We just know them better. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am reminded of Elder Renlund's talk from last October: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/through-gods-eyes?lang=eng

It's definitely hard to see people through Heavenly Father's eyes sometimes. The scriptures do tell us to pray for charity--the pure love of Christ. It's something i know i need to pray for more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest MormonGator
2 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Does anyone have advice for developing compassion?

It seems that over the past several months I've become quite the curmudgeon.  I'm getting highly judgmental.  I'm not very patient with people.  I'm quick to condemn and slow to praise or forgive.  This isn't the way I want to be.  I've never really been a whole lot better.  But lately it seems like these bad traits have gone into overdrive.

Suggestions?

 Goodness knows we all could use more help with this, myself included for sure. 

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself, first off, @Carborendum.  It starts with being able to show compassion to you. Much like being in love, if you don't love yourself you simply can't love another. If you aren't compassionate to Carb, you can't show compassion to others. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest MormonGator

I've been thinking about this for awhile now. This is not meant to be harsh, so I say that upfront. 

Lifelong LDS are incredibly hard on themselves. You (and in fairness, it's not just a Carb thing) are probably a much, much more compassionate guy than you give yourself credit for. 

Seriously, sometimes I just want to give all of you guys a hug. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

22 minutes ago, Connie said:

I am reminded of Elder Renlund's talk from last October: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2015/10/through-gods-eyes?lang=eng

Yes, I was thinking of Elder Renlund's talk as I wrote that last response.  I was extremely moved by his words.  

1 hour ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I to struggle with compassion towards my fellow man

President Uchdorf gave a talk: The Merciful Obtain Mercy

Great talk in it he says:

The people around us are not perfect. People do things that annoy, disappoint, and anger. In this mortal life it will always be that way.
Nevertheless, we must let go of our grievances. Part of the purpose of mortality is to learn how to let go of such things. That is the Lord’s way.
Remember, heaven is filled with those who have this in common: They are forgiven. And they forgive.
Lay your burden at the Savior’s feet. Let go of judgment. Allow Christ’s Atonement to change and heal your heart. Love one another. Forgive one another.

I am feeling the weight of his words:

Quote

Of course, these words seem perfectly reasonable—when applied to someone else. We can so clearly and easily see the harmful results that come when others judge and hold grudges. And we certainly don’t like it when people judge us.

But when it comes to our own prejudices and grievances, we too often justify our anger as righteous and our judgment as reliable and only appropriate. Though we cannot look into another’s heart, we assume that we know a bad motive or even a bad person when we see one. We make exceptions when it comes to our own bitterness because we feel that, in our case, we have all the information we need to hold someone else in contempt.

This is exactly what is going through my mind.  With all these posts, part of me has been nodding in agreement because I know they're right.  Another part is saying, "yeah, but..."

1 hour ago, Eowyn said:

I find that the better I know people, the harder it is for me to judge or criticize them (barring situations of abuse or law-breaking). I try to see people through the lens in which I want people to see me: taking into consideration my circumstances, my limitations, my strengths, my weaknesses. Of course this is a hard thing that I'm trying to learn to do, and that people rarely do for me... except those that know me. Why do we tolerate family so well? Because they're way better than everyone else? Probably not. We just know them better. 

I really want to believe this...

11 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I've been thinking about this for awhile now. This is not meant to be harsh, so I say that upfront. 

Lifelong LDS are incredibly hard on themselves. You (and in fairness, it's not just a Carb thing) are probably a much, much more compassionate guy than you give yourself credit for. 

Seriously, sometimes I just want to give all of you guys a hug. 

This is what I mean about you.  Always see the good in people.  I am hard on myself because I see reality.  No, this is not a depression episode.  You just don't see the bad side of me because of the "internet barrier".  I see so many people around me who are so peaceful, forgiving, accepting, etc.  And I'm constantly judging and criticizing.  I know I've got to stop.

I appreciate all the advice and encouragement already given.  It looks like I've got a long road to hoe.  I used to think that it's ok that I can develop these traits over a lifetime.  But I'm getting to the stage in life where 20 years passes in the blink of an eye.  I'm beginning to feel the urgency of trying to perfect my soul.

Love you all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I believe that compassion with others is very much tied into our compassion with ourselves.  When I am feeling tired of life's difficulties I find that compassion becomes a struggle as well.  I have also struggled with this issue off an on. Many years ago I read a fantastic group of essays written by several Buddhist and one said that when they catch themselves getting caught up in being judgemental of others they start a practice of saying "Today I will judge nothing" when they rise each day. It sounds easy but if you practice mindfulness it is amazing how much we love to judge all sorts of things.  The human judges things in order to make sense of the world.  It loves to categorize things to make sense of the world.  The problem is that when it gets in the habit of passing judgment on others in order to make sense of things.  This, of course, becomes icky feeling when we realize it is not really serving a purpose and we may actually be treating others unfairly.  The fact is, humans judge everything to help us live in our world.  It is our responsibility to remain aware of whether or judgements are unjust, petty, or in a mean spirit and when we realize they are running the show take it back. 

The biggest thing I run into is the belief that we are at war with ourselves and our behaviors.  It is much easier to realize that part of being a human is to naturally struggle with these things and instead of stopping it, we can more effectively grow by acknowledging it and moving on. Recognize that you will sometimes be a curmudgeon because you are an imperfect human and that you will recognize it and set it to the side and let it be there with you while you try to act with compassion instead is much easier. I find that if you ask Heavenly Father for help he will happily give you gentle reminders and strength as well. 

Do you ever type and type and then feel like you didn't quite get to the point you were going to make?  I just did that but now I will laugh and post it anyway. :)  I ramble sometimes....hehe. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 8/30/2016 at 2:14 PM, Carborendum said:

Does anyone have advice for developing compassion?

It seems that over the past several months I've become quite the curmudgeon.  I'm getting highly judgmental.  I'm not very patient with people.  I'm quick to condemn and slow to praise or forgive.  This isn't the way I want to be.  I've never really been a whole lot better.  But lately it seems like these bad traits have gone into overdrive.

Suggestions?

do you spend a lot of time on facebook or on the news?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest LiterateParakeet
On August 30, 2016 at 1:14 PM, Carborendum said:

Does anyone have advice for developing compassion?

It seems that over the past several months I've become quite the curmudgeon.  I'm getting highly judgmental.  I'm not very patient with people.  I'm quick to condemn and slow to praise or forgive.  This isn't the way I want to be.  I've never really been a whole lot better.  But lately it seems like these bad traits have gone into overdrive.

Suggestions?

First, I just want to say I really admire your self-reflection. :)  

I think some people are more prone to compassion, but I also believe it's something we should all strive for.  You know what has influenced me most in this department, is the Atonement.  What I mean is this:  once in answer to a "what lack I yet?" prayer, the answer was that 'the Atonement".  I thought that was odd, (I was younger then and didn't know what i didn't know. :) )  Still, I undertook the challenge.  I read all the scriptures I could find, conference talks and other resources about the Atonement. When I was done, I didn't feel that I had learned anything new, and i was puzzled.  So I went to my knees again, presented this issue to the Lord and asked, "What is it that you wanted me to learn about the Atonement?"  

The answer is hard to describe in words...I could try but it wouldn't be nearly as meaningful...it was life changing.  This experience brought me closer to understanding and having charity than anything else in my life.

I should add though...that before this experience, the Lord told me to work on my pride.  Maybe that is a prerequisite for this lesson, or maybe just something I needed.  Ask the Lord.  He knows you best.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, Blackmarch said:

I was thinking of this thread and i had this thought pop into my head "what do you spend your time focusing on?" dont need to answer this to me, im just throwing this out there to think on for whatever its worth.

 

Depends on what day and what time of day... ;)

Right now, I'm not focusing on what I'm supposed to be focusing on... driving my son's suit to his school before the performance starts... instead, I'm posting on lds.net.  Sigh.

Edited by anatess2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I once climbed my Mt. Everest.  It was learning to forgive and love those who had raped and abused someone I loved.  It took a year or two, but after I finally made it, I found that I have little besides empathy and compassion for just about everybody.  Honestly, it even changed the way I drive in traffic.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share