curious_mormon

I'm losing Faith and have become numb.

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I'm losing faith in the most painful way. I don't even think I am worth it anymore. I don't think I'm worth anything to Heavenly Father anymore. I've lost so much of my innocence. I've been stuck in the world's influences. I can't feel what I felt a long time ago when I was young...when I still had a good character. I've sinned so much and I just think I am to the point that I am also evil. I have a history of abuse in the family (when I was young), that's what probably triggered my rebellion and depression. After the abuse, I felt like my world fell apart. I didn't belong or fit in, in any of the kids in high school. I should've listened to the church...but I gave in to the peer pressure. I have tried many "substances" before, to take away the pain from the abuse..I got addicted to drugs in high school, but I got help from that. I know this is really personal to me but I am writing this as my last resort because I'm trying to find hope in these dark waters...I also got addicted to pornography, ever since me and my ex gf got together in high school...I was introduced to this stuff...and it could ruin my life. I want to stop it. When I got bullied in school, I think I completely changed my personality, I became an anxious person and very moody, violent and very angry. It kind of drove me away from my family. Now, I'm sitting here, now 24 yrs. old, still addicted to pornography and wanting to stop it..I'm just lucky enough that I still have family support.I am trying to find help, it can be really hard to find help sometimes...it's hard not to get judged by other church members...it's hard to find reliable friends these days. Times are hard when you're an adult. and I don't really feel like I belong to the church community. Regarding that I get social anxiety and am afraid of being judged because I might say something weird or bad or out of the ordinary...I really want my spirit to be in line with God again. I feel empty and depressed. It feels like my spiritual side is gone. It feels like I've been numbed down.

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@curious_mormon, first things first: You are of infinite worth to your Father in Heaven.  Everything hereafter is meant to demonstrate that.  Please seek help to overcome your depression - from your bishop, from professionals, from any who love you and are in a position to help to draw closer to Jesus Christ.

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Doctrine and Covenants 18:10 Remember the worth of [curious_mormon's soul] is great in the sight of God;

...nothing will ever change that:

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Romans 8

 37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.

 38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

 39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

You are not the addiction.  You are not the abuse you suffered.  You are a beloved son of God.  The rest of that is just stuff that happened, stuff Christ overcame, stuff he can help you overcome.

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Isaiah 1:18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

...only Satan wants you to think your sins cannot be forgiven.  To enable that repentance and forgiveness is the whole reason our Savior came (Luke 5:30-32):

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 30 But their scribes and Pharisees murmured against his disciples, saying, Why do ye eat and drink with publicans and sinners?

 31 And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick.

 32 I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

 

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Matthew18:11 For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.

Some resources for overcoming addition are at the link below - including a whole sub-site about pornography addiction:

https://www.lds.org/topics/families-and-individuals/lifes-challenges/hope-and-help?lang=eng

This talk might also help: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

I'm sorry if the members of your ward haven't helped you to feel welcome and loved.  Please be patient with them - we're all sinners and weak in one way or another.  In the meantime, we'll be your friends.  Please go to your bishop.  Ask him to help you repent and return - he has keys for this very purpose.  He also has access to information and resources to help you.

Edited by zil
clarify

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I just want you to know that by far you are not the only one to struggle with this. The nature of this sin is that you are caught in the cycle of sin and self comfort. You sin, feel depressed and then go back to the sin to comfort yourself.

You're losing faith because you are losing hope. 

Certainly all the things you have experienced ought to testify in a very personal and profound way that the things you have been taught are true. The gospel explains perfectly everything you are experiencing and the way out. 

As Zil kindly pointed out you are forgiven as you have faith and repent. But it does not mean this challenge is just going to disappear. 

Let me be clear, YOU WILL STRUGGLE WITH THIS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. It is the thorn in your side. You are in this life and subject to your own weakness that you can learn to make them strengths. But you will have to fight and you will have to fight until you find rest back in your Heavenly Father's arms. It's what this life is for. Be grateful you at least know the "Why" of all this. Many do not. 

In all your experience at Church did you not notice that the very center of our faith, Jesus Christ, was alone, depressed , and that he even he wanted to give up, but he chose our Fathers will instead. 

Did you really believe it would be any easier for you, or anyone else that chose to come to this earth (that'd be everyone btw)? We came to experience life and to be subjected to the consequences of our own bad choices but also the poor choices of others. How else were we to learn compassion, forgiveness and all the other attributes we desired.

The fact is the Church can only do so much. We are each required to take up our own crosses whether they are placed upon us or fashioned with our own hands. 

Those perfect people you see at church are just imperfect people who each bear their own cross and are trying to put their best face forward, hiding their tears with smiles and their insecurities with hugs and handshakes. What makes you so special that you feel you don't belong among them? They, much like you, are just trying to make it thru another week. By smiling they are putting their burdens aside and trying to lift others, yet I think most saints feel alone, like you. 

My advice - 

If  you haven't seen the Bishop I would first recommend that. 

To be frank you are not taking advantage of the very atonement you have been taught your whole life. Study the atonement. 

Also sign up for this program (fortify). Check into Secular forum for those who struggle

These are tools to supplement your faith in overcoming the challenges you have and help you become better at fighting.

I know you are loved by your Heavenly Father, so very much. 

Edited by Windseeker
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