Makasae

Not wanting kids, Feeling bummed out

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So I dunno if this is the right board but here we go!

I am a LDS member, mid-20s, and fairly active! Right now I'm feeling a bit bummed out, one of my dreams is to get married in the temple and share a wonderful, fun life with my future wife! Lately though in the dating scene it hasn't been going too well, like the dates are fun and i have made a lot of good friends but it always grinds to a screaming halt when the topic of families and children come up. I never want to have kids, the idea of sleepless nights, crying, etc, really doesn't appeal to me and I'm pretty sure that isn't changing, I just want to live my years having a fun life with my future wife. But in my area almost every girl i have met in the church wants to have children and big families and such. It kinda bums me out cause I don't want to be alone forever but at the same time I don't want to change what i look for just to have a chance.

So yeah I am just wondering, is there anyone else out there that thinks similarly? it would be nice to see some like minded people.

 

(also I am kindly asking you don't say "well when you meet the right women and get older you will want kids" that's not happening and I'm kinda sick of hearing it, thank you!)

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I don't think the scripture said, "Men are that they might have fun"... but that wasn't your question. I just have one request, or maybe even insistence: 

 

Whatever you do, don't date a girl dragging her along and wasting her time. If you know you are unwilling to bend on this issue, do not date a girl who wants children. A family member just went through this, and it is a very very unkind thing to do. 

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29 minutes ago, Makasae said:

So yeah I am just wondering, is there anyone else out there that thinks similarly? it would be nice to see some like minded people.

There are ~15 million Mormons out there.  I'm sure one of them thinks the same as you.  Just be honest with other people (don't waste both of your time with a facade) and honest with yourself (what you feel now, and if it changes).

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Something to think about...

How many "Sleepless night"  do you think our Heavenly "Father" has had over his children...  If our goal is to be like our Heavenly "Father" how far do you think you are going to get with the mindset of No  Fatherhood? (which is wildly different from those that want to but can't for whatever reason)

I will not say your mindset will change when you meet the right woman....  I will say your will change your mind when you realize that in this life you need to humble yourselves to whatever "trials" your Heavenly "Father" has in store for you.

Until then realize that a successful marriage (to a faithful latter-day saint woman) is probably not in your future

 

 

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This might be a case for online dating. Very few lds women wish to be married and not have kids. Some do not want marriage or kids but often (don't tell anyone!) they are prepared to put up with the husband to get the kids. We just had a rather sad divorce from a couple who got the kid and split. Hubbie is very very happy. He has the kid on weekends. Bizarre but what am I to say. He is sooo happy!

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13 hours ago, Makasae said:

So I dunno if this is the right board but here we go!

I am a LDS member, mid-20s, and fairly active! Right now I'm feeling a bit bummed out, one of my dreams is to get married in the temple and share a wonderful, fun life with my future wife! Lately though in the dating scene it hasn't been going too well, like the dates are fun and i have made a lot of good friends but it always grinds to a screaming halt when the topic of families and children come up. I never want to have kids, the idea of sleepless nights, crying, etc, really doesn't appeal to me and I'm pretty sure that isn't changing, I just want to live my years having a fun life with my future wife. But in my area almost every girl i have met in the church wants to have children and big families and such. It kinda bums me out cause I don't want to be alone forever but at the same time I don't want to change what i look for just to have a chance.

So yeah I am just wondering, is there anyone else out there that thinks similarly? it would be nice to see some like minded people.

 

(also I am kindly asking you don't say "well when you meet the right women and get older you will want kids" that's not happening and I'm kinda sick of hearing it, thank you!)

My honest advice is that if you want relationships based in having fun - that you forgo marriage and stick to strictly plutonic relationships or basically non-committal friendships.  Even the worldly concept of marriage as a relationship for better or worse – The better part currently could be fun but a relationship with intent to continue through the worst or when there are problems is completely foreign to the concept of a relationship intended only for fun.

I hope you have chosen a profession that generates an exceptional amount of disposable cash.  Fun can be extremely expensive and my experience with ladies that have a high priority for fun – they are what I call high maintenance because they seem as interested in my money and having fun (or more so) than they are in me.  And as President McKay said, “All the money in the world will not buy you a good wife – just a bad one”.

 

The Traveler

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7 minutes ago, Traveler said:

My honest advice is that if you want relationships based in having fun - that you forgo marriage and stick to strictly plutonic relationships or basically non-committal friendships.

Traveler, I feel bad because you and I often disagree. I hope you understand it isn't personal. 

Having been married for a long time I can say without doubt that marriage is incredibly fun. It's all about perspective. Sharing your life with someone and having someone you know you can always count on is a slice of heaven itself. And oh yeah-marriage and life is a blast. Sure you can be mopey and complain all the time about marriage being work, or you can preach and complain about the routine-but if you have imagination and a sense of humor (two things that few people have in this life, sadly) marriage is anything but routine or work. 

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The OP hinges on one's definition of "fun".  And whether one really thinks "fun" is "fun" when it's happening 24x7.

Things I think are fun most people would call boring or difficult or not for them (I know the reverse is true).  Things I think are fun would get boring as all get-out (to me) if I tried doing them every waking hour.  Things I thought were fun have changed as I've grown older (thankfully).  Happy is better than fun, and one can find enjoyment in the most surprising things - even ones that you might not describe as "fun".

Personally, I think @MormonGator and @Traveler probably agree on this topic - they're just coming at the same thing from different angles.  (e.g. I know Gator has experienced things which are not fun, and I suspect his wife has helped him through those things and didn't find it fun, but they were blessed for enduring well, and have grown from it, and are better able to enjoy their life because of such experiences.  That's not the same thing as only / always "having fun"; but it is part of being happy and successful in life.)

I suspect either our friend who made the original posting abbreviated his wishes (or focused on part of them and he really does have others and a deeper understanding of reality, and just didn't feel the need to mention that as part of his post); or he will indeed need a lot of disposable money (or at least more flexibility in using his time than most working people have); or eventually, reality will strike (if he's lucky) and (if he's luckier) he'll learn the blessings of humility, work, responsibility, and other things which a lot of people think are not fun (because they don't have an eternal perspective, for example).  The reality of all this would require a longer conversation on this aspect of things than our friend wishes to engage in, so I don't think there's much point in saying more, but in my experience, all happy, successful, responsible adults understand what I'm talking about (and people who don't learn eventually - or become miserable).

Edited by zil

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I don't want to brag, but Faramir and I are known in our families and social circles to be happy lovebirds with a great marriage. We are the best of friends and have a lot of fun. But it has most certainly been work to get here and stay here (but then we are both kind of stubborn). It is not always fun. But we have a rewarding and joyful life. Our children are certainly work and stress, but also one of the greatest sources of joy for us and yes, even fun. 

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My husband and I have 2 kids and man... THEY ARE FUN!  I mean... okay, we have 2 boys, so it wasn't as fun in the beginning because I'd rather play with Barbies than Thomas the Tank Engines... but then they do super crazy stuff like running lego people over with their trains and it started to be really fun... anyway, they're teen-agers now and it's just gotten much more fun... when my son was only 5 months old, we have fun watching football at the stadium with him but he just sleeps through it all.  Now that he is 15 years old, we have tons of fun cheering and harassing the other teams together...  Star Wars was fun when it was just my husband and I but now with the boys... manoman, it is LOADS AND LOADS better - especially when we all get dressed up for Star Wars Weekend at MGM Studios... they used to be ewoks but then they got to be taller than me, so they get to be sith and jedi - I refuse to be the ewok... I have to be princess leia... i was queen amidala one year... my husband, of course, has to be darth vader.

Anyway... as for the OP... there was this one girl that posted here on lds.net not too long ago.  She was either lds or investigating and she doesn't want kids either.  You should go ask her out...

P.S.  Marriage is not fun all the time.  The first 2 years was rough!  It wasn't until I got used to my husband's habits that things finally started to smooth out... even then, in our first 10 years, I'd say, more than half of those we spent fighting.  And yeah, this is normal for a lot of marriages.

Edited by anatess2

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15 hours ago, Makasae said:

But in my area almost every girl i have met in the church wants to have children and big families and such.

Find a truly gorgeous one who wants 2-3 kids.  Preferably one who's at least well on her way to being a doctor or a successful politician.

Then give her my number.

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27 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

...Anyway... as for the OP... there was this one girl that posted here on lds.net not too long ago.  She was either lds or investigating and she doesn't want kids either.  You should go ask her out...

I was thinking the same thing. I think @Jackie is an Investigator who has mentioned in this forum that she does not want children either. The OP and she should talk.

M.

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I was scared to death to have my first child up until the moment she was delivered.  I have never had a more spiritual connection with my Heavenly Father than at that moment.  Pure joy and worth every sacrifice and wakeless night (at least till they reach about 15) :)

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I was reading the OP and trying to sort my thoughts.  On the one hand, it's certainly our right to decide whether to have kids and how many.  Nowhere is it written that not having kids (by choice) is a sin.  As large as the Church is, no doubt there are plenty of like-minded people, including single ladies.

That said, I do have a couple of thoughts about why this isn't such a great thing.

  • The opening post is filled with a tone of it being all about what the OP wants.  His highest priority in life seems to be leisure.  He wants to have fun, as if that were a worthy life's goal unto itself.  Don't get me wrong, I'm all about fun.  I play games, love movies, and my wife and I have a great time in each other's company.  We aren't here to have fun though.  We're here to learn, to gain experience, to find the Gospel and to promote God's Kingdom.  Everything else is secondary.  So the idea of putting fun as the top priority strikes me as a bit selfish, if you'll forgive my saying so.
  • This strikes me as, if you'll for give my use of the term, Millennial thinking.  "It's all about me!" is the current generation's mantra in the vast majority of cases.  That doesn't say great things about other aspects of one's life if their objection to having kids is that it'll limit their fun and cramp their style.
  • I don't relish sleepless nights and changing diapers either, but I've got 5 kids.  It's worth it.  I don't expect someone who hasn't had kids yet to understand that, how can they?  But I've never known any parent to wish they didn't have their kids if they could do it all over again.  The OP's attitude is ultimately self defeating because they're missing out on some of life's greatest joy and... fun.  I play with my kids.  I game with them.  I enjoy teaching them new things.  Have they made my life more challenging?  Of course, but who backs away from a challenge that can help them have more joy in life?
  • There's a reason it's so hard to find a future spouse that shares the desire to remain childless.  Most people who can have kids intend to do so, especially when they understand the importance of raising children in the Gospel.

Just some things that come to mind when I hear something like this.  I have known people who were desperate to have children who were unable because of physical issues of one kind or another, and it saddens me to hear something as amazing as being a parent cast aside for the sake of some vague notion of fun, as if there was no way to enjoy life while being a parent. 

Like I said, I have 5 kids.  I bet I've had more fun in my life than the OP ever will.

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25 minutes ago, unixknight said:

The opening post is filled with a tone of it being all about what the OP wants.

And here we have the double standard again; if a woman has a non-negotiable condition neither in direct conflict with nor demanding basic Gospel standards, that's OK because she's got to be selective, but if a man has one, it's unreasonable and selfish.  He has one simple, and (at the moment) apparently non-negotiable condition of not wanting children.  The reasons behind that are irrelevant except between himself, a highly potential spouse, the Lord, and maybe his bishop if he decides to discuss it there.  Frankly, when asked for reasons behind a significant decision, people rarely give the reason that's most important to them first; for all we know, he may be the lucky one who's carrying a genetic condition that isn't severely affecting him, but doesn't want to bring children into the world with a significant risk of it, maybe he has a short temper with kids and doesn't want to subject them to it, or maybe he just doesn't like kids in general.  Perhaps he's not physically capable but doesn't want to say that.  (I'm just speculating here, with no intent to imply that any of these is that OP's actual reason.)  Heck, maybe he's seen too many divorces where the father gets burned badly, rarely if ever getting to see the kids while the ex wife turns them against him, and is terrified of that happening to him; I know I am because it's happened to me once already.

Quote

I have known people who were desperate to have children who were unable because of physical issues of one kind or another,

And it sounds like he'll make an excellent companion for one of these women - never making her resent her own inability - if he can find the right one.

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6 minutes ago, NightSG said:

And here we have the double standard again; if a woman has a non-negotiable condition neither in direct conflict with nor demanding basic Gospel standards, that's OK because she's got to be selective, but if a man has one, it's unreasonable and selfish.

I don't know why you're accusing me of this double standard.  If the OP were a woman saying this I'd reply in exactly the same way.

6 minutes ago, NightSG said:

The reasons behind that are irrelevant except between himself, a highly potential spouse, the Lord, and maybe his bishop if he decides to discuss it there.  Frankly, when asked for reasons behind a significant decision, people rarely give the reason that's most important to them first; for all we know, he may be the lucky one who's carrying a genetic condition that isn't severely affecting him, but doesn't want to bring children into the world with a significant risk of it, maybe he has a short temper with kids and doesn't want to subject them to it, or maybe he just doesn't like kids in general.  Perhaps he's not physically capable but doesn't want to say that.  (I'm just speculating here, with no intent to imply that any of these is that OP's actual reason.)  Heck, maybe he's seen too many divorces where the father gets burned badly, rarely if ever getting to see the kids while the ex wife turns them against him, and is terrified of that happening to him; I know I am because it's happened to me once already.

All of which is completely speculative.  We only know what the OP tells us, and that's all we can react to. 

6 minutes ago, NightSG said:

And it sounds like he'll make an excellent companion for one of these women - never making her resent her own inability - if he can find the right one.

People who are biologically unable to have kids often choose to adopt instead.  Think the OP is planing to do that? 

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8 minutes ago, unixknight said:

People who are biologically unable to have kids often choose to adopt instead.  Think the OP is planing to do that? 

Actually, of the women I've known who couldn't have kids, most didn't want to adopt; they wanted their own biological children or none at all.  

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woah, didn't expect this many replies, don't really know how to reply to all of you guys at once but I guess I will just list up some clarifications.

I am Male

I know life is full of curve balls and tough times, I know that marriage has work but also good times, I guess I better explain my future wishes, I imagine a life where my wife and I return from work, do our duties (chores, etc) make dinner while conversing, and just chill out and play a game or something. I know its not all peachy perfect as that but I think you get the general idea.

I should explain how i live my life, currently in college working on my career, I don't go out much since I love gaming, I love my animals and dream of taking care of many someday. I don't go out spending money willy nilly and I don't party or anything like that, in fact im pretty financially responsible. I also have worked most of my life for what I want so I know life isn't all about leisure, im ready to do honest work for what i want.

last but not least i feel this should be shared, I have a low form of autism (PDD) and anxiety. I have them under control for the most part and to be honest I dont want to risk having a kid with these disorders, because I suffered a ton with them and I dont wish it on my worst enemy.

hope that helps you guys understand!

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Our former young women president and her husband who was also in the young men presidency don't have kids (they don't want one, no medical condition or anything) and they have a ton of animals such that we call their house The Farm.  They have 7 big dogs, cats, horses, donkey, goat, and tons of geese, ducks, and chickens.  My kids (and all the other kids in the ward) think they're going on a field trip everytime we visit their house.  They sure live a fun life too!

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On ‎9‎/‎12‎/‎2016 at 1:50 PM, FogCity said:

I was scared to death to have my first child up until the moment she was delivered.  I have never had a more spiritual connection with my Heavenly Father than at that moment.  Pure joy and worth every sacrifice and wakeless night (at least till they reach about 15) :)

after giving this some additional thought I realize my initial response was a little haughty and didn't address your question.  Sorry about that. 

You should follow your heart and trust the Spirit.  Perhaps not having children is the correct choice for you.

 

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