Southern_Bell Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 Southern_Beau is the type of guy that feels loved when you do nice things for him, but he also wants me to guess what he likes and surprise him. In other words, if I ask him what I can do to show him some extra love, he will just tell me to figure it out. The thing is, I'm not nearly creative enough most of the time to come up with much, and I'm definitely not powerful enough (yet) to read his mind. I would love some ideas on how to serve him and show him love better in this way. What have you done for your spouse to show a little extra love that they have really appreciated? On the other side of the matter, what has your spouse done in that regard? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 Mr. Anatess is the very opposite of Southern_Beau. If you want to know what he thinks you just ask him. If he says Nothing... he truly means nothing. As in... he's spaced out. Hah hah. Oh, and there were several times he called me and said - hey, I found out what I wanted for my birthday, do you want to pick it up or should I just pick it up so you won't have to? LOL! Anyway, my advice would be... talk talk talk talk talk... start conversations about anything and everything. You'll get some clues in those conversations on some ideas. So, like... my husband tells me he wants X for his birthday. So I get X... but it's too un-romantic for me so I would get him another thing that he didn't tell me... like something that he would mention in our endless conversations... like that one time we were talking about his good old days and he said, "I wonder where that guy is now..." so I did some digging and I found the guy and I got him to call my husband on his birthday to greet him. Cool, huh? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 Have you read the love languages book? It is actually really interesting and has really been eye opening about what my husband needs and how we are different. There is a quiz you can each take to find out what your love language is and since I have been more aware of what my husband's is it has made a big difference! Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southern_Bell Posted September 15, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 I haven't read the book, but I have spent a lot of time on the website. That's one of the ways that I figured out that Southern_Beau's love language is service. He just never wants to tell me what service he wants, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest MormonGator Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 (edited) I've been reading this thread and I have to say this. @Southern_Bell, you are a wonderful wife and Southern Beau is a very lucky man. Your love and caring for this man is so beautiful to see. Edited September 15, 2016 by MormonGator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 Are you sure Southern Beau isn't actually a belle? "Read my mind" sounds very much like a woman thing to do. I would suggest doing nice things for him that you think he would like, doing nice things for him that you think you'd like done to you and then telling him he has to communicate what he wants/needs with you. Just guessing isn't gonna work for the long haul. Someone is going to get feelings hurt or feel frustrated/angry at some point. Sunday21 and mordorbund 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 I just try to act opposite of my normal self...lol Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
summer Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 (edited) On September 15, 2016 at 9:50 AM, Southern_Bell said: I haven't read the book, but I have spent a lot of time on the website. That's one of the ways that I figured out that Southern_Beau's love language is service. He just never wants to tell me what service he wants, lol. You do sound like such a sweet and loving wife!! Edited September 16, 2016 by summer Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Latter-Day Marriage Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 7 hours ago, beefche said: Are you sure Southern Beau isn't actually a belle? "Read my mind" sounds very much like a woman thing to do. Guys can be like that too, I am but I'm working on it. The thinking is that if I tell her what I want her to say/do, then it isn't coming from the heart, or I can't be sure if it's coming from the heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Latter-Day Marriage Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 7 hours ago, Southern_Bell said: I haven't read the book, but I have spent a lot of time on the website. That's one of the ways that I figured out that Southern_Beau's love language is service. He just never wants to tell me what service he wants, lol. That isn't my language so I might not have the best ideas, but I'm thinking things like jobs he would like to get done but can't find the time, or jobs he does all the time that you could do for him and give him a bit more free time, and things that make his life more enjoyable. Perhaps washing the car and cleaning the interior really well, taking out the garbage for him, giving him a massage, prepare his favorite meal. Think ahead and anticipate what he'll need and have it there ready for him when he asks for it. Don't do something like clean off his workbench for him unless you know where everything is supposed to go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zil Posted September 15, 2016 Report Share Posted September 15, 2016 4 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said: The thinking is that if I tell her what I want her to say/do, then it isn't coming from the heart, or I can't be sure if it's coming from the heart. I disagree with that thinking. Not everyone is good at reading others. Not everyone is easy to read. The same words or behaviors in two people can mean completely different things. Some people simply do not talk (let alone to mention something they want, enjoy, hate, wish someone else would take care of, etc.). The fact that one or more such people are involved in a relationship does not necessarily mean that any of the people in said relationship do not sincerely desire to please the other (through words, action, gifts, etc.). Should we all work on becoming better humans all the time? Yes. In the meantime, needing help figuring out what you want or need does not make the other person in the relationship insincere, just unable (at present) to figure it out on their own. Meanwhile, I say get him a figet cube! (The hardest part will be picking the color.) Then make up some corny little thoughts to go along with the various buttons / switches / etc. - about your love for him, or some service he gets with it, or whatever. OK, OK, it's not a service, but it is useless. Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Latter-Day Marriage Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 40 minutes ago, zil said: I disagree with that thinking. Not everyone is good at reading others. Not everyone is easy to read. The same words or behaviors in two people can mean completely different things. Some people simply do not talk (let alone to mention something they want, enjoy, hate, wish someone else would take care of, etc.). The fact that one or more such people are involved in a relationship does not necessarily mean that any of the people in said relationship do not sincerely desire to please the other (through words, action, gifts, etc.). Should we all work on becoming better humans all the time? Yes. In the meantime, needing help figuring out what you want or need does not make the other person in the relationship insincere, just unable (at present) to figure it out on their own. Like I said, I'm working on it. zil 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southern_Bell Posted September 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 2 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said: Guys can be like that too, I am but I'm working on it. The thinking is that if I tell her what I want her to say/do, then it isn't coming from the heart, or I can't be sure if it's coming from the heart. Thanks, LDM, I've been trying to figure out why he literally refuses to tell me. This makes sense! Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southern_Bell Posted September 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 The video on that fidget cube is hilarious! Of course, now I want one... zil 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Southern_Bell Posted September 16, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 @anatess2, it seems to me that Mr. Anatess is the type that really appreciates receiving well-thought out gifts. And you are right that is a different love language than "I love it when you fill my car up with gas for me." (Which I try to do when I drive it because he ACTUALLY told me that he likes it when I do that) zil and Sunday21 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 I oft have to read Husband's mind, I swear. zil 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LiterateParakeet Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 Service...I would say do something for him that he usually does. Not knowing his routine it's hard for me to say, but here are a couple examples: - my husband and I both work so he does the majority of the cooking. I like to cook for him when I know he's had a long day. If you already do most of the cooking, then make his favorite dinner or dessert. -get up and make breakfast for him if you don't usually do that. Or make his lunch if you don't usually do that. Make something special if you already do these things. -if he works in a job where he wears a suit, and he is the one that shines his shoes, you could surprise him by doing that. -something I like to do for my husband is fill his gas tank. He has a tendency to run it on fumes. -mow the lawn for him if he usually does that, or rake leaves, weed the garden, whatever outside chore he usually does. -do his household chore for him. Does he usually do the dishes after dinner? Give him the day off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ldsister Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 Is he nervous about telling you what he wants because it's about intimacy? anatess2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Budget Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 11 hours ago, zil said: Not everyone is good at reading others. This. My husband can't read minds (obviously) but he also doesn't seem to have any skills in facial hints, body language or even tone of voice or insinuation. You literally need to tell him exactly, precisely what you want/need (and probably write it down, take a picture, explain in detail... and he'll still get it wrong or just "forget"). LOL. As for extra kindness for your husband OP: it really depends on his personality and interests, his job, his schedule, his ability to handle things.... what one of our spouses would like or enjoy may not mean anything at all for yours. Examples: Yesterday was about 90 degrees out. My husband was outside mowing the lawn. I grabbed an ice cold can of sparkling water and brought it out for him but he was mowing 'away' from me and didn't see me. Good! I set the can down at the top of the drive right next to his tool kit where he would see it and snuck back in the house. Little and no big deal to me but apparently it was much appreciated on his end. He actually brought it up at dinner last night and thanked me for doing that for him and surprising him with it. When I make up his lunch for work the next day and have it ready in the refrigerator for him to grab at the last second. Buying him a special treat or new 'something' when I'm out doing the shopping and I leave it where I know he will see it; but I don't tell him ahead of time. Sometimes it's as simple as his favorite candy bar left on the coffee table in front of where he sits every evening, another time it might be a new pair of work pants or new shirt left on the bed where he'll see it when he gets home and goes in to change. zil and Sunday21 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 5 hours ago, ldsister said: Is he nervous about telling you what he wants because it's about intimacy? THIS. As I said before, Mr. Anatess is easy to "read" because I can just ask him and he will tell me - or he tells me if I haven't thought to ask yet. But this - intimacy - is the only thing he will not tell me even if I ask. I have to "read the signs" on this one which means I have to be paying attention in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 (edited) 12 hours ago, Southern_Bell said: @anatess2, it seems to me that Mr. Anatess is the type that really appreciates receiving well-thought out gifts. And you are right that is a different love language than "I love it when you fill my car up with gas for me." (Which I try to do when I drive it because he ACTUALLY told me that he likes it when I do that) Oh oh oh! My husband fills my gas tank and checks my tires and opens my doors and such. Also, when we're both in the car, he has to be driving - even when we're driving from Florida to Maine. I tried to be a good wife early in our marriage and insisted on driving on day 2 of our road trip thinking he was just being shy about asking me to drive and we ended up in a fight... for some reason, he felt like I questioned his manhood or something. So, after I learned that about him, I would embrace my inner damsel (in distress) so he can have the opportunity to swoop down and stretch his manly muscles - I mean, things like asking him to bait my fishing pole, or hiding behind his shoulder when watching scary movies, or screaming, "Buuuug!" when one of those palmetto monsters of Florida invades my house... instead of plucking up some courage to face those things myself. I tell ya, I can "feel" his chest puff-out when he does those things for me. Hah hah. Then I send 1-800-flowers or edible arrangements to his work on ordinary days... he also gets a kick out of girly things like that and he likes the ribbing he gets from his workmates. I visited his workplace once and his boss greeted me - you're a major stockholder of edible arrangements - and I can "feel" my husband beaming next to me. Hah hah. Yeah, it took years for me to understand these things about my husband even when he's an open book guy. Edited September 16, 2016 by anatess2 zil and Sunday21 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightSG Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 On 9/15/2016 at 9:53 AM, Southern_Bell said: Southern_Beau is the type of guy that feels loved when you do nice things for him, but he also wants me to guess what he likes and surprise him. In other words, if I ask him what I can do to show him some extra love, he will just tell me to figure it out. The thing is, I'm not nearly creative enough most of the time to come up with much, and I'm definitely not powerful enough (yet) to read his mind. Stop overcomplicating things. Men want two things; bacon, and if you can't guess the other, you're going to have to ask your bishop. Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mordorbund Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 6 minutes ago, NightSG said: Stop overcomplicating things. Men want two things; bacon, and if you can't guess the other, you're going to have to ask your bishop. A temple recommend? Tithing discounts? A calling? More speaking opportunities in sacrament meeting? A list of widows to help? Storehouse bacon? I give up. zil, Budget, Sunday21 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NightSG Posted September 16, 2016 Report Share Posted September 16, 2016 2 hours ago, mordorbund said: A calling? More speaking opportunities in sacrament meeting? A list of widows to help? You worry me. Sunday21 and mordorbund 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yjacket Posted September 17, 2016 Report Share Posted September 17, 2016 I have found in general guys are pretty straight and to the point (sometimes there is a bit of a "read my mind", but generally it doesn't happen). It could be that he honestly doesn't know. Learning to how to serve your spouse can be extremely hard and it needs to be adapted to each couple. A wife of a boss at work literally picks out her husbands outfits each day and she does a dang good job of it too-he is always one of the sharpest dressed in the room (if not the sharpest dress). But that doesn't work for everyone. A glass of cold water after mowing the lawn is another small act of kindness. In some ways, I personally say the more that one performs and perfects their particular role as a spouse (i.e. husband to provide, wife to nurture) that in and of itself is an act of service. Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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