Falling out with Immediate Family


Mcmkk
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So my mom since the day she met my wife has been very cold toward her. My wife tried very hard the first year she knew my family but my mom and dad began to speak very poorly about my wife to people very close to me in my hometown. After the first year she hasn't tried as hard (I don't blame her). My wife Comes from a strong LDS family as do I. Her parents are worth millions in assets, I come from a more humble background. My parents hint that I married my wife because of the money and that I like her family more because of their money. We have become very close to my in laws. The reason for that has nothing to do with money. They just treat me kindly while my family is hostile towards my wife. My mom is still very cold towards my wife. My parents have said awful things to me about my wife and my in laws in front of my wife. They have spread all of these nasty rumors around my hometown that my wife is very rude and that all I care about is money and I have changed and am no longer a nice person but entirely focused on money. we have heard back from extended family and from friends and from my younger siblings who talk so terribly about my wife that we have both decided to cut ties with them for a while for the sake of our own happiness. My parents deny saying these things but it's obvious they have because how would anyone else know about these issues. I ant to get back on speaking terms with my parents but they will not admit fault for the things they have done and they will not apologize. my younger unmarried siblings now hate me as well. I don't understand why my parents have drug so many people into this. They have pushed us so far away it feels impossible to have them in my life again but I love them and want them back. Any advice?

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Guest LiterateParakeet

I am so sorry.  I can see you already know this, but here's some validation....your wife must be your priority.  This scripture, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife;" is repeated about six times in the Bible.

In my opinion (you should make your decision prayerfully) it would be best for you to set some very clear boundaries with your parents.  Let them know that you love them and desire to reconcile with them, BUT reconciliation can only happen if they show kindness and respect to your wife and her family.  IF they are not willing to do that, then move far away and limit your contact with them.  

I know the sounds harsh, and it is, but their behavior toward your wife is deplorable.  The choice whether to have a relationship with you and any future grandchildren is in their hands, but they will need to repent.  Otherwise you should not expose your wife to such maltreatment.  If you struggle with boundaries, a fabulous Bible-centered book is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

Believe me I understand that what I am suggesting is painful.  I had to distance myself from my family too (for different reasons, but the pain is the same).  But they are making the choices that are causing the separation not you.  Firm boundaries is the best chance you have to improve your relationship with them, but they will have to be willing to make some changes.  

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I echo @LiterateParakeet's counsel and I'll add a warning.

They may be very willing to say they're sorry without actually being willing to change anything.  They honestly believe they've done nothing wrong.  And even if they say they're sorry, they won't change any behavior.  It will be impossible to change their behavior without changing their belief.  And their belief is "Rich = Rude and Materialistic".

If they can get that out of their heads, then everything else will fall into place.  Without changing that belief, then they will never stop their behavior.

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I went through this.  I come from a devout Catholic Filipino family so when I married a Mormon White boy, they did not speak to me for over 2 years.  They still don't like my husband as much as they do their other in-laws today - 18 years into my marriage.

How I dealt with it?  I forgave them.  I didn't wait nor expect them to say they're sorry or apologize or change their ways or any of that.  I just forgave them.  I forgave them before they even started to speak to me again.  There was one Christmas that we went caroling at my brother's house.  My brother slammed the door on us.  It didn't matter.  I still forgave them.  My husband also forgave them simply because I did.  My husband is the most awesome guy on the planet.

It helped that my husband is one tough dude.  He married me despite my family's treatment of him, so he was prepared to just be like a duck with their treatment like water flowing down his back.

So, in my marriage - I deal with my family, he deals with his.  I've been dealing with my family since I was born - good times, bad times, and everything in between.  I know all of them and what makes them tick.  We have our own way of dealing with each other.  My parents do rude things to my husband I tell them to stop being rude right then and there.  We'd go on shouting matches and sibling squabbles over our spouses and our spouses go and leave us alone to sort it out while they go hang out and watch TV or something.  When it gets too crazy, my husband (and my sibling's spouses do the same, interestingly) pulls me out of the room (sometimes physically manhandles me out - I have a mean temper) and takes me home.  Everything cools down and we go again to the family gatherings. 

Anyway, yeah... we give everybody the freedom to be who and what they are - good and bad, bang heads sometimes, forgive without needing apologies, and still stick as a family.  My husband and I both love our families very much.  After 18 years of marriage, when he gets frustrated with his mother, he would tell me - you're lucky that your mother is not as crazy as mine... then when I get frustrated with my mother, he would tel me - I'm lucky that my mother is not as crazy as yours.  Hah hah.  By the way... unlike all the other in-laws, my parents barely speak to my in-laws.  In 18 years of marriage, I can only remember my parents speaking to my in-laws twice.  They send bday cards and Christmas cards, that's about it.  I used to think that was a sad thing until last year when my mother got on a fisticuffs with my brother's mother-in-law.  Hah hah.  Now, I feel lucky my mother don't talk to my in-laws.  Hah hah.

FORGIVE YOUR PARENTS.  You can't exchange them for new ones.  It doesn't matter much what they or the hometown think.  It only matters what you and your wife think... you and your spouse know you didn't marry her for her money.  That's the only thing you can control.  You can't control what other people think about that.  So, don't worry about it.  Be kind to all of them anyway.

 

Edited by anatess2
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Further, even if your wife and inlaws were rude and materialistic, Christ clearly teaches us to love and serve (even our enemies).  Nowhere does Christ teach us to gossip, belittle, be rude back, be cold, be unwelcoming, etc.  Thus, they should let go of their own judgement and follow our Savior, regardless of whether they're "right".

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As Anatess said, forgiveness is most important.  That said, there are things forgiveness means, and things it doesn't mean.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you offer your wife as a sacrifice to your parents' horrible actions.  Do not tolerate it when your parents pull crap/spread gossip/say hurtful things.  That means, if they do it in your presence, you get up and leave.  If they try to do it in your home, you ask them to leave.  If they do it while making plans about get-togethers, you decline to make the plans and don't go to the get-together.  If they force you to, choose your wife over your parents - and make it clear that's what you are doing.

Your parents are acting like children.  So don't reward the bad behavior with attention.  If they rein themselves in around you, then go be around them.

 

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4 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

 Do not tolerate it when your parents pull crap/spread gossip/say hurtful things. 

 

Yep.  NT is completely right.  Your job as part of your marital covenant is to protect your spouse from your family.  They shouldn't have to deal with your side.  Your wife should go to you for any problems with your side and you get to take care of it.  At the same time, you shouldn't come between your spouse and her own family.  Let your spouse deal with her side.  If her side hurt you, tell your wife you don't appreciate it and have her deal with it.  If she doesn't deal with it - then it is a marital problem, not just an in-laws problem, and you get to deal with your wife - the in-laws become a secondary issue to the marital problem.

 

Edited by anatess2
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I had an issue like this when me an my wife first got married.  I sat my mom down and told her I will always take my wife's side in any dispute between my wife and my mom or siblings, even if i know my wife is not right.  I don't know if anyone else would take such a hard line stance, but it worked - I never had problems with my mom and my wife again, because i made it clear i was not going to tolerate any disrespect regarding my wife.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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Heh - yep.  Nothing thaws the ice like a baby, even though the baby might come in the offensive color, or get taken to the offensive church, or raised with the offensive language, or initiated into the offensive political beliefs.  Someone makes you a grandparent, and suddenly your heart is melting out from under it's steel armor.

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I forgive them but I just can't expose my wife to such a hostile environment. I love them. Luckily we live 1500 miles away but it's just sad. A simple "I'm sorry I messed up. I'll do my best to change" would fix this. I've said it multiple times that an apology and some recognition would fix this but they will not budge. 

 

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42 minutes ago, Mcmkk said:

I forgive them but I just can't expose my wife to such a hostile environment. I love them. Luckily we live 1500 miles away but it's just sad. A simple "I'm sorry I messed up. I'll do my best to change" would fix this. I've said it multiple times that an apology and some recognition would fix this but they will not budge. 

My sister and I have always had a rocky relationship.  When I got engaged, my fiance, now wife, did not make a great impression on my sister.  For some reason my sister had built up this image in her mind of what person I was and, therefore, what kind of woman should be my wife.  Mrs. Carb did not match that image, but she really was a perfect match for me.  My sister just had no idea.

She never fully accepted my wife.  She always thought of herself as above me.  Now she thought of herself as above my wife.  As I began realizing that I just didn't fit in with the entire family and how well I fit in with my wife's family, I just felt it was best to sever all ties.  There was much more to the story than simply "not getting along."  But it was all rooted in this attitude.

It wasn't a matter of forgiveness.  I didn't think of it in those terms.  I might as well forgive a bottle of acid for falling on me.  I just didn't want to go near the acid any more.

Edited by Guest
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On 9/19/2016 at 4:27 AM, Carborendum said:

I echo @LiterateParakeet's counsel and I'll add a warning.

They may be very willing to say they're sorry without actually being willing to change anything.  They honestly believe they've done nothing wrong.  And even if they say they're sorry, they won't change any behavior.  It will be impossible to change their behavior without changing their belief.  And their belief is "Rich = Rude and Materialistic".

If they can get that out of their heads, then everything else will fall into place.  Without changing that belief, then they will never stop their behavior.

 
 

I'm sorry, this sounds very tiring and just sad for you. It sounds as if their "Rich = Rude and Materialistic" attitude has actually made them the rude and materialistic ones? They must feel threatened about your wife and her family causing a rift in your family and sadly they have caused the thing they feared. :( 

Here is what I feel you should do. Nothing. Why? Because there are 3 kinds of business, your business, GOD's business, and other people's business.  How do you know the business that is yours?  It is what you have been given the power to change by God. You can pray to Heavenly Father about this and give it over to him, because, it honestly is not your problem, it is their problem.  Whenever we take ownership of another person's problem it causes us tons of distress and misery and at the end of the day they are the only people who can do anything about the situation.  You can lead people to solutions, insights, and conclusions...but as long as there is free will you cannot make them see the light or the error of their ways. It is usually best to make a decision that you will not let others cause discord and unhappiness for you. 

Is this easy? Not at first, we all love to believe we can make other see their errors and that common sense or love can prevail and force them to change.  But you said it, they most like will not unless they change their thinking, and who can change their thinking? Only God or they can change this. Instead, model for them how happy and fulfilled you are by your wonderful relationship with your wife's and your wife's family.  If they want to actually be a part of your happiness and life they will need to change, if not, that is their sad decision.  All you can do is love them.  Love them for being incorrect in their attitudes and misguided with their actions because we are all imperfect beings and we do our best, even though we are often very far off base. 

Let me try to give you an analogy.  The more you fight things the harder they become to bear. Say your parents are like sea. You would like them to be more kind to your wife and her family, but they cannot, at this time their waves and attitudes will keep coming in like the tide.  You can rush out into their waves and fight them and say no stop stop this!  If you have ever stood in the ocean and faced the incoming waves they are hard, they hit you and knock you down.  If you, however, embrace the waves the way they are, and trust that God has your back and doesn't give you more than your own business to handle, those waves now hit hard but you can roll with them to the shore where its solid and safe. It is like this with you, let the shore be your love, peace, and happiness, the place where you can still love both sides as they are without trying to fight their waves. 

Does that mean you do nothing?  Not exactly.  But I am out of time for my suggestions at some ways to curb this behavior from your mom. Suffice to say you can merely make a decision to create a loving and happy atmosphere when she is around, to include her in it and realize this is her struggle instead of yours.  It will help ease feelings of anger, guilt, and confusion, you can't hold beach balls down underwater and still swim! You cannot control her behaviors, only your own. :) 

I wish you peace and happiness, and I hope you find a way to accept what is, give to god what you cannot change, and still have the love your families both can provide.

 

Edited by Amym73
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On ‎9‎/‎18‎/‎2016 at 10:44 PM, Mcmkk said:

So my mom since the day she met my wife has been very cold toward her. My wife tried very hard the first year she knew my family but my mom and dad began to speak very poorly about my wife to people very close to me in my hometown. After the first year she hasn't tried as hard (I don't blame her). My wife Comes from a strong LDS family as do I. Her parents are worth millions in assets, I come from a more humble background. My parents hint that I married my wife because of the money and that I like her family more because of their money. We have become very close to my in laws. The reason for that has nothing to do with money. They just treat me kindly while my family is hostile towards my wife. My mom is still very cold towards my wife. My parents have said awful things to me about my wife and my in laws in front of my wife. They have spread all of these nasty rumors around my hometown that my wife is very rude and that all I care about is money and I have changed and am no longer a nice person but entirely focused on money. we have heard back from extended family and from friends and from my younger siblings who talk so terribly about my wife that we have both decided to cut ties with them for a while for the sake of our own happiness. My parents deny saying these things but it's obvious they have because how would anyone else know about these issues. I ant to get back on speaking terms with my parents but they will not admit fault for the things they have done and they will not apologize. my younger unmarried siblings now hate me as well. I don't understand why my parents have drug so many people into this. They have pushed us so far away it feels impossible to have them in my life again but I love them and want them back. Any advice?

 

Greetings @Mcmkk, 

My problem is just the opposite of yours – My parents as well as my siblings are all quite well to do.  My wife did not really come from poverty but a family tradition of debt and constant living beyond their means.  It is impossible to talk to most of my in-laws about fiscal responsibility.  We have had to endure a lot of bitterness and criticism.  One confrontation with my wife’s parents in our home resulted in my asking them to leave and then calling the police when they refused.

I would like to think it is all the fault of my in-laws but my wife thinks I have been the one that has changed and mellowed over the years – I think her family has come more to their senses having gone through bankruptcy twice.  Also I have one brother in-law that built a successful business and recently sold it – he has always been a good friend and our families are close but not so much for the rest. 

My advice is to keep your family ties.  When they criticize – apologize and do it sincerely and mean it.  Try with all your might, mind and strength to be helpful and friendly.  Do not turn down opportunity to be of service and remember; money is not service – personal effort and time is service.  I know that the recent home teaching message is that service comes after love – but I think that is backwards.  I think the love comes through service and is why missionaries learn to love the culture and the people they serve.

When one of your in-laws is sick – go visit them.  If someone ends up in the hospital – go visit them – especially if it requires a lot of effort.  If they ever do something nice, send a hand written thank you note.  Call at least once every week and talk to either you mom in-law or pop in-law.  Send birthday cards, mother’s day gifts (flowers or something simple).  Invite in-laws one on one to your home for dinner.

If they ever criticize – stop and listen and then say you are sorry (especially sorry that they feel that way when they are wrong) and mean it.  Don’t try to correct them or be dramatic about it and do not feed each other later about any issues.  Pray about them and if necessary put your name with theirs on the temple prayer rolls and above all do not let Satan make it worse – let the spirit of G-d make it better.

 

The Traveler

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1 hour ago, Traveler said:

 

Greetings @Mcmkk, 

My problem is just the opposite of yours – My parents as well as my siblings are all quite well to do.  My wife did not really come from poverty but a family tradition of debt and constant living beyond their means.  It is impossible to talk to most of my in-laws about fiscal responsibility.  We have had to endure a lot of bitterness and criticism.  One confrontation with my wife’s parents in our home resulted in my asking them to leave and then calling the police when they refused.

I would like to think it is all the fault of my in-laws but my wife thinks I have been the one that has changed and mellowed over the years – I think her family has come more to their senses having gone through bankruptcy twice.  Also I have one brother in-law that built a successful business and recently sold it – he has always been a good friend and our families are close but not so much for the rest. 

My advice is to keep your family ties.  When they criticize – apologize and do it sincerely and mean it.  Try with all your might, mind and strength to be helpful and friendly.  Do not turn down opportunity to be of service and remember; money is not service – personal effort and time is service.  I know that the recent home teaching message is that service comes after love – but I think that is backwards.  I think the love comes through service and is why missionaries learn to love the culture and the people they serve.

When one of your in-laws is sick – go visit them.  If someone ends up in the hospital – go visit them – especially if it requires a lot of effort.  If they ever do something nice, send a hand written thank you note.  Call at least once every week and talk to either you mom in-law or pop in-law.  Send birthday cards, mother’s day gifts (flowers or something simple).  Invite in-laws one on one to your home for dinner.

If they ever criticize – stop and listen and then say you are sorry (especially sorry that they feel that way when they are wrong) and mean it.  Don’t try to correct them or be dramatic about it and do not feed each other later about any issues.  Pray about them and if necessary put your name with theirs on the temple prayer rolls and above all do not let Satan make it worse – let the spirit of G-d make it better.

 

The Traveler

Good advice!

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