Ant-Mormon MIL over for Christmas


Jane_Doe
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Seeking advice on how to handle a tricky situation--

My MIL is... she fearfully freaks out whenever the LDS church/faith/beliefs are mentioned.  She's an Evangelical who's been fed anti-Mormon half-truths her entire life.  She's unwilling to talk about it or address her fears, and honestly believes I am Hell-bound, and leading my daughter and her son down that path.  As she refuses to talk about it (I've tried), the working solution has  been to Not Talk About It when she's around.   I think this is silly, and she'll have to face it eventually, but this is her choice.   Normally for Christmas we visit her state and go to church with her, with me catching my LDS ward's Christmas celebration the Sunday before, so MIL can ignore the issue.

This Christmas things are different: we are hosting Christmas at our house, and Christmas is on a Sunday so I will be going to my ward.  To be blunt: I refuse to ditch church on Christmas simply because of MIL's phobia.  I'm going and so is my daughter and husband.   I know my MIL: she'll refuse to go-- which is fine with me, but she'll put on a big show of boycotting it with great disapproval, and be I-Don't-Want-To-Talk-About-It fuming angry the entire week visit.  

Any advice????  

Part of me wants to talk her into visiting for Thanksgiving instead and inviting the atheist in-laws over for Christmas instead (they're actually really supportive of all of us going to church).

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How we handle this in the world. If a member of the family is behaving like a dork, you treat them as if, for this one issue, they are slightly demented or senile. Instructions and arrangements are made with exaggerated politeness and clarity. Speak slowly. So 'while we are at chuch, nana can watch tv. You like tv don't you nana? Now do you need instructions for how to turn on the tv? You can sit here and eat you favorite bic cies. We have your favorite bic cies are  in this special tin. See it has your name on it.' Big smile.

i am not sure why this works but relative gets that they are behaving like an imbecile and decides to renter the human race. 

 

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  • 1 month later...

Could you talk to her about it before hand? Perhaps along the lines of:

"Hey MIL, we're excited to have you over for Christmas and wanted to talk about a few details with you beforehand. On Christmas, we are planning to go to our ward as a family. You are more than welcome to join, but if you prefer I've e-mailed you a list of churches in the area you can choose from. We want you to feel comfortable and happy when visiting us, no matter our religious differences. Love you!

Make sure to get an answer from her beforehand, so expectations are set beforehand. If she asks you to go to her church, just politely say that while you appreciate the invitation, you'd be more comfortable going to your ward. Stress that she is more than welcome to join you, but be firm that you aren't going to bend to her will.

Both of you are adults and can do what you want over the holidays. She can't force you to do anything. Hopefully if you get the fuming out of the way in advance, she'll have accepted her fate once the holidays are here.

Good luck!

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7 minutes ago, copic_crack said:

Could you talk to her about it before hand? Perhaps along the lines of:

"Hey MIL, we're excited to have you over for Christmas and wanted to talk about a few details with you beforehand. On Christmas, we are planning to go to our ward as a family. You are more than welcome to join, but if you prefer I've e-mailed you a list of churches in the area you can choose from. We want you to feel comfortable and happy when visiting us, no matter our religious differences. Love you!

She would throw a complete tantrum at this. 

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  • 2 months later...
On 10/30/2016 at 4:47 PM, Jane_Doe said:

Ultimately she decided yesterday she elected to not come for Christmas.  We will do something together is a different city around New Years.

* This post is admittedly a vent-fest * 

We did indeed having Christmas on Dec 30 at another friend’s house.  We had a good time together, but things did not quite go according to plan due to the Saga of the Exploding Toilet.  So MiL wanted to all do a get together on Sunday- go to a church of her choosing and then do lunch.  So I told my folks I couldn’t go to their ward with them that day.  

Sunday roles around she decides that we’re skipping church and just going to lunch.  After the meal I was not feeling well, and went to the bathroom. She then starts harassing my husband about how "he needs to ‘man up’ and force us to to a ‘real’ Christian church" and "Mormons aren't real Christians and doomed and will be left behind in the rapture" (My husband wants nothing to do with any of this and doesn’t attend any church).

I come back from the bathroom, and she immediately changes the subject. I go back to the bathroom, she starts harassing my husband again. I come back, she shuts up. Until it's clear that I'm too sick to listen to anything, and then she starts up again.  Finally my husband slammed his cup on the table and informed her "we're leaving now".  


I’m just… lots of emotions.  I’m proud of my husband putting his foot down.  Really irritated at MiL.  Acknowledging that there’s nothing I can do to change her except put the foot down and walk away.  It’s just…  yeah, I needed to vent.

Edited by Jane_Doe
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Guest MormonGator
15 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Sunday roles around she decides that we’re skipping church and just going to lunch.  After the meal I was not feeling well, and went to the bathroom. She then starts harassing my husband about how "he needs to ‘man up’ and force us to to a ‘real’ Christian church" and "Mormons aren't real Christians and doomed and will be left behind in the rapture"

So sorry you are going through this. Nothing is more obnoxious than someone telling me to "man up". A real man wouldn't let someones opinion of masculinity change them, but anyway. 

 

Stay strong...

 

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28 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Finally my husband slammed his cup on the table and informed her "we're leaving now".  

Kudos to your husband for doing the right thing.  It's really hard for a lot of dudes to take sides between mother and wife.  But your man did it, and from what she was doing, he did it appropriately.  She needs to know her behavior is unacceptable, and if she continues to act like that, she'll be doing it alone.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this Jane Doe. :( its not fair to be put in such a defensive position by a family member. If she wont even have a conversation and is truly upset about it then I'd personally go the least confrontational route and just go and do what she wanted on sundays when she visits. Honestly what is the harm? Letting her think she's "won"? In addition I'd be praying for teachable moments and for those involved to soften their hearts. 

I recently experienced something similar while doing scripture study in the evenings with my siblings. once my ex-step dad began taking them on the weekends where we wouldn't be able to read together it became hard to manage a situation where we could do it everyday since hes not a member.  It takes a stifling of our own pride to submit to someone else and I'm not saying you are prideful and truthfully I dont know how passionate and antagonistic this woman might be. I just know from my own personal experience wrestling with someone in the household who doesnt believe and causes contention that there are things I can sacrifice as a service to them to keep the peace and show love...even if that is not entirely what I am feeling in the situation. ^^; 

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5 minutes ago, a mustard seed said:

 I'd personally go the least confrontational route and just go and do what she wanted on sundays when she visits. Honestly what is the harm? 

I'm ok with going to church with her, and have many times.

5 minutes ago, a mustard seed said:

In addition I'd be praying for teachable moments and for those involved to soften their hearts. 

Totally.

 

 

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2 minutes ago, zil said:

Next time, I recommend that on one of the return trips from the bathroom, you come running back, screaming about alligator babies crawling up out of the toilet.  (It ought to provide a diversion at least...) ;) 

Sorry for the frustrations you're having to endure.

Truthfully I didn't know any of this was going down when it was.  I was focusing on keeping my lunch down.

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6 minutes ago, Maureen said:

Do you think your MIL picked that restaurant deliberately suspecting it would not agree with you? Conspiracy or Coincidence? ?

M.

I was wondering that myself before I read your post.  I was even considering that she slipped something into her food or drink to cause her to ... have problems...

So... Obamacare, huh?  Wow...

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38 minutes ago, Maureen said:

Do you think your MIL picked that restaurant deliberately suspecting it would not agree with you? Conspiracy or Coincidence? ?

M.

 

30 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

I was wondering that myself before I read your post.  I was even considering that she slipped something into her food or drink to cause her to ... have problems...

So... Obamacare, huh?  Wow...

Lol!  

No, I'm actually the one who pick the restaurant.  I was sick because I made the mistake of listening to my husband tell a story involving gory bloody details.  *Blush*  I'm such a wimp sometimes...

Edited by Jane_Doe
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I agree with the first response. Just treat her like a child, and say, you can do what you want, but we're doing this.  Take it or leave it.  And then ignore her protests. A friend of mine was like this on just about everything.  What movie to see, what tv show to watch, what restaurant to eat at, where to sit in the restaurant, etc etc...  So I learned to just force him to adjust to the situation.  Honestly, I don't think it's just about the church, but that does make an easy agitator.  But she seems to get a thrill out of forcing you to her will and to see how far you will compromise to appease her. So, the best thing is to give clear choices, and let her choose.

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