Ant-Mormon MIL over for Christmas


Jane_Doe
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Seeking advice on how to handle a tricky situation--

My MIL is... she fearfully freaks out whenever the LDS church/faith/beliefs are mentioned.  She's an Evangelical who's been fed anti-Mormon half-truths her entire life.  She's unwilling to talk about it or address her fears, and honestly believes I am Hell-bound, and leading my daughter and her son down that path.  As she refuses to talk about it (I've tried), the working solution has  been to Not Talk About It when she's around.   I think this is silly, and she'll have to face it eventually, but this is her choice.   Normally for Christmas we visit her state and go to church with her, with me catching my LDS ward's Christmas celebration the Sunday before, so MIL can ignore the issue.

This Christmas things are different: we are hosting Christmas at our house, and Christmas is on a Sunday so I will be going to my ward.  To be blunt: I refuse to ditch church on Christmas simply because of MIL's phobia.  I'm going and so is my daughter and husband.   I know my MIL: she'll refuse to go-- which is fine with me, but she'll put on a big show of boycotting it with great disapproval, and be I-Don't-Want-To-Talk-About-It fuming angry the entire week visit.  

Any advice????  

Part of me wants to talk her into visiting for Thanksgiving instead and inviting the atheist in-laws over for Christmas instead (they're actually really supportive of all of us going to church).

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I think ahead of time you just say "Mom, our church meets from 10 to 1.  We'd love to have you join us, but we understand if you're not comfortable with it.  So, here's a list of other Christian congregations in the area.  When you get here, let us know which church you want to go to; and we'll make sure you have a way to get there."

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53 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

I think ahead of time you just say "Mom, our church meets from 10 to 1.  We'd love to have you join us, but we understand if you're not comfortable with it.  So, here's a list of other Christian congregations in the area.  When you get here, let us know which church you want to go to; and we'll make sure you have a way to get there."

Tried that.  She still pouts the ENTIRE visit.  Also tried, "I'll go to my church and then we can go together to a church of your picking" = lots of church for me and lots of pouting from her.

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This might be bold, but hubby probably needs to talk to his mother. It should not be DIL's responsibility.  The best I can come up with is that maybe mother and son should jointly visit your MIL's pastor, and get counsel from him/her on the most Christ-pleasing way to maintain family love and role-responsibilities in a spiritually difficult context. 

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1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

Seeking advice on how to handle a tricky situation--

My MIL is... she fearfully freaks out whenever the LDS church/faith/beliefs are mentioned.  She's an Evangelical who's been fed anti-Mormon half-truths her entire life.  She's unwilling to talk about it or address her fears, and honestly believes I am Hell-bound, and leading my daughter and her son down that path.  As she refuses to talk about it (I've tried), the working solution has  been to Not Talk About It when she's around.   I think this is silly, and she'll have to face it eventually, but this is her choice.   Normally for Christmas we visit her state and go to church with her, with me catching my LDS ward's Christmas celebration the Sunday before, so MIL can ignore the issue.

This Christmas things are different: we are hosting Christmas at our house, and Christmas is on a Sunday so I will be going to my ward.  To be blunt: I refuse to ditch church on Christmas simply because of MIL's phobia.  I'm going and so is my daughter and husband.   I know my MIL: she'll refuse to go-- which is fine with me, but she'll put on a big show of boycotting it with great disapproval, and be I-Don't-Want-To-Talk-About-It fuming angry the entire week visit.  

Any advice????  

Part of me wants to talk her into visiting for Thanksgiving instead and inviting the atheist in-laws over for Christmas instead (they're actually really supportive of all of us going to church).

This is your mother in law right? 

My advice. Your husband needs to sit down with his mom and put her head on straight or she is un-invited to christmas.  He needs to protect you and your family from his mother's childish behavior.  She can either behave and come visit or not behave and pout like a small child from home.

YouR problem is with your husband not your MIL.

Edited by omegaseamaster75
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Have you tried making a big dang joke of the whole thing?

"Well, we're off to our blood sacrifice meeting.  Can I do in a virgin for you ma?"

If anything goes even slightly wrong (like someone slams a door too hard), yell stuff like "you know it's against our religion to slam doors like that!" 

If you can have love in your heart for the lady who gave birth to your hubby, the grandmother of your children, warts and weird reactionary notions and all, that'll certainly help.

Edited by NeuroTypical
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16 minutes ago, prisonchaplain said:

The best I can come up with is that maybe mother and son should jointly visit your MIL's pastor, and get counsel from him/her on the most Christ-pleasing way to maintain family love and role-responsibilities in a spiritually difficult context. 

Irony here: MIL does not have a pastor because she doesn't really attend church.  

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9 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Husband has been of the opinion of "I am not getting involved with this!"    Yes, this annoys me, but he's not changing his stance at all.

Then you have a problem. A real one (I don't consider your MIL a problem).

Draw a line in the sand, plant your flag, whatever you need to do, and tell your husband that the MIL is no longer invited to Christmas unless he deals with this issue.

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13 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Have you tried making a big dang joke of the whole thing?

"Well, we're off to our blood sacrifice meeting.  Can I do in a virgin for you ma?"

If anything goes even slightly wrong (like someone slams a door too hard), yell stuff like "you know it's against our religion to slam doors like that!" 

If you can have love in your heart for the lady who gave birth to your hubby, the grandmother of your children, warts and weird reactionary notions and all, that'll certainly help.

The problem with this advice is that it is not a fix, MIL will still sit around making the poo face and being miserable while making those around her uncomfortable.

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1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

Seeking advice on how to handle a tricky situation--

My MIL is... she fearfully freaks out whenever the LDS church/faith/beliefs are mentioned.  She's an Evangelical who's been fed anti-Mormon half-truths her entire life.  She's unwilling to talk about it or address her fears, and honestly believes I am Hell-bound, and leading my daughter and her son down that path.  As she refuses to talk about it (I've tried), the working solution has  been to Not Talk About It when she's around.   I think this is silly, and she'll have to face it eventually, but this is her choice.   Normally for Christmas we visit her state and go to church with her, with me catching my LDS ward's Christmas celebration the Sunday before, so MIL can ignore the issue.

This Christmas things are different: we are hosting Christmas at our house, and Christmas is on a Sunday so I will be going to my ward.  To be blunt: I refuse to ditch church on Christmas simply because of MIL's phobia.  I'm going and so is my daughter and husband.   I know my MIL: she'll refuse to go-- which is fine with me, but she'll put on a big show of boycotting it with great disapproval, and be I-Don't-Want-To-Talk-About-It fuming angry the entire week visit.  

Any advice????  

Part of me wants to talk her into visiting for Thanksgiving instead and inviting the atheist in-laws over for Christmas instead (they're actually really supportive of all of us going to church).

I'm confused.  If Evangelical MIL is your husband's mom, who are "the atheist in-laws"?  (And if MIL really is your husband's mom, I'd say you and husband have problems if husband won't deal with his own mom.)  Where's MIL's husband in all this time?

The only things I can think of are:

  1. Don't invite her for Christmas
  2. Ignore her behavior
  3. Find an Evangelical who is not so anti-Mormon to speak with her (and, you just posted something which makes it seem like this won't work cuz she's religious without being religious?!)
  4. OK, new idea, related to #2: learn to be happy despite there being a miserable person in your immediate presence - yes, I believe this can be done.

FWIW.

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11 minutes ago, zil said:

 If Evangelical MIL is your husband's mom, who are "the atheist in-laws"?  (And if MIL really is your husband's mom, I'd say you and husband have problems if husband won't deal with his own mom.)  Where's MIL's husband in all this time?

My husband's parents divorced when he was a toddler.  So it's the Evangelical MIL (she never remarried), and the atheist FIL with his new wife (they've been together since my husband was ~6).  

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Have you sat down with her with her son present and told her that her behavior is UN-acceptable and will no longer be tolerated.

Oh, yeah, she is in another state, so write her a letter to that effect. Quote scriptures to each rule if you can - be sure to include scriptures from the Book of Mormon, D&C AND the Peal of Great Price. Quote any/all of the Articles of Faith too. Give her the house rules and give her an out. Mom In Law, if you are unable to abide by our house rules [which even our children, and their Grandfather & Step-Grandma easily abide by] then please stay at home. We no longer will subject our selves and our children - your grandchildren, to your un-Christ like histrionics.

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43 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Husband has been of the opinion of "I am not getting involved with this!"    Yes, this annoys me, but he's not changing his stance at all.

Then don't invite him to Christmas either.  Take the kids and go spend the holiday with your family.  Let them be toxic together without you as a buffer and see if he gets the hint.

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6 minutes ago, Iggy said:

Have you sat down with her with her son present and told her that her behavior is UN-acceptable and will no longer be tolerated.

Tried.  If it's via letter she ignores it, if it's in person she finds every excuse to ditch.  Her line is "I'm not going to talk about it, I don't know enough, I need to focus more on my relationship with Christ.".

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I am going to have to agree with idea that it is not your job to handle your MIL...  It is your husbands...  If he wants his mom in the picture he need to man up and handle her...  Tell him that he is to dis-invite his mother to all future events until she is willing to behave.  If he is not willing to deal then she is gone.

 

 

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You could be very blunt and tell her she is invited to church and Christmas celebrations at your house but if she does her typical shenanigans, she will be asked to leave. Let her know that you would rather have a happy and friendly get-together, but if she refuses to respect your beliefs as you do hers, she will need to spend Christmas elsewhere.

M.

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1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

Irony here: MIL does not have a pastor because she doesn't really attend church.  

No wonder she's miserable.  She's living in disobedience against God (Forsake not the assembling of yourselves together, as some are in the habit of doing...), and she has in-laws actively practicing a faith she believes is heretical.  She can't say too much, because she's not being faithful.  Still, she's the MIL, so she can say some.  So it ends up with holidays meaning she is miserable, and uses passive-aggressive antics, so she can have company in her unhappiness.

FWIW, she would likely behave much better if she were active in her church, and had a pastor she could counsel with.

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1 hour ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

The problem with this advice is that it is not a fix, MIL will still sit around making the poo face and being miserable while making those around her uncomfortable.

True.  My advice to make lighthearted comments assumes she wants to keep MIL around despite her behavior.  It's a way of living with the other's faults, not fixing them or changing them.

 

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To the suggestion of threatening MIL with expulsion for bad behavior, I'd suggest caution.  Would hubby be okay with this?  Does he agree that his mother's behavior is unacceptable?  Despite saying he doesn't want to get involved, would he suddenly jump in if his mother was being ordered out of the house?  If the behavior is that bad, then he really should be the one giving the ultimatum.  If he won't, then OP could come across as shrill, unreasonable, and over-reactive.  His refusal to engage his mother on this is the elephant in the room.  Without his involvement, there are no attractive solutions.  If the problem is serious enough, then some marriage counseling might be useful.  On the other hand, if it is just the once-or-twice-a-year frustration, and this is the only issue where hubby's passiveness is an issue, then trying to muddle through, and make it as mildly miserable as possible may be a working solution.  It seems like punting, but most families have the difficult member that people just learn how to maneuver around, and put up with.  You gotta love her, but you don't have to like her.

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51 minutes ago, prisonchaplain said:

No wonder she's miserable.  She's living in disobedience against God (Forsake not the assembling of yourselves together, as some are in the habit of doing...), and she has in-laws actively practicing a faith she believes is heretical.  She can't say too much, because she's not being faithful.  Still, she's the MIL, so she can say some.  So it ends up with holidays meaning she is miserable, and uses passive-aggressive antics, so she can have company in her unhappiness.

FWIW, she would likely behave much better if she were active in her church, and had a pastor she could counsel with.

You are very insightful here.  Never thought of it that way.  It also explains another puzzle piece: she is actually very intimidated by the strength of my testimony and knowledge of the Gospel and feels that it far out paces hers (this is not me guessing, she has actually said these words).  I'm not a person who is intimidated by another's testimony, so I find this... I don't know what to do, I cannot relate firsthand to how she is feeling.  I try to encourage her on her walk with Christ and finding a "church home" (Evangelical church is miles better than no church), but again she's... afraid/intimidated/scared/lazy/reluctant.  My faith is not the monstrous thing she always was told Mormons were, but she'd rather believe it was/is.

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