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Hey all,

I have a bit of a predicament, and I know to some degree a lot of people can relate. 

I recently returned from my mission, and obviously there is a big pressure on my to date. I know how important this is, in fact, I want to. I desire to date. But I am scared. The reason I am scared is mainly due to the fact that while I was on my mission, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. 

I have seen it play a much larger part in my life compared to before my mission (I have had some degree of anxiety for years now). Before I left for college, I asked a girl from my YSA ward on a date, and she said no, and it kind of took a toll on my confidence in that field. 

For one of the classes I am in, we are doing a comfort zone assignment, where we need to get outside of our comfort zone, and I realized that this really makes me uncomfortable. There is a girl that I want to ask out, but I am scared, and I don't know how to go about it. Essentially, my anxiety is getting the best of me.

 

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I am a pretty incorrigible introvert, and one thing that helped soothe my dating anxiety was to make change the focus and the expectations that I had built up about "dating".  Instead of looking at the ward menu directory, and figuring out which girl I wanted to go out with, and then choosing an event/activity that would suit the girl--I found events that interested me, and then considered which eligible girl I knew who might be an enjoyable companion at that event. 

Psychologically speaking, don't make it a "date with Alice".  Make it a really interesting play, or a fascinating museum exhibit, or a hotly-contested game of paintball, that you* happened to enjoy with Alice.  You might get turned down a couple times by girls who aren't interested in the same sorts of events that you are; but once you find one who says "yes"--I think you'll find the conversation flows more naturally and the date will be much more enjoyable.

For what it's worth--Just_A_Girl and I didn't go out on our first date because I wanted to date her specifically; we went out because I had an extra ticket to a play, I would have felt silly going alone, and I knew from prior conversation with Just_A_Girl hat the play (Moliere's School for Wives) would irritate her and maybe yield some entertaining conversations.  As time went on, I found our personalities were more compatible than I had anticipated . . . and the rest is history.

*Note that, as the relationship progresses, the activity planning process is going to become much more about her, not so much you; and that's probably the way it should be.  But given your particular challenges, these early few dates are primarily about getting you out of your shell in a way that keeps you comfortable.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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28 minutes ago, Jacobliv said:

 

For one of the classes I am in, we are doing a comfort zone assignment, where we need to get outside of our comfort zone, and I realized that this really makes me uncomfortable. There is a girl that I want to ask out, but I am scared, and I don't know how to go about it. Essentially, my anxiety is getting the best of me.

 

I bolded the important part. I know I can speak for myself and many others. We are all uncomfortable when we are outside of our comfort zones. Welcome to the real world.

My intention is to not be dismissive but to tell you that this is very, very normal. For some people anxiety and depression go outside the spectrum of normal anxiety and depression (everyone gets anxious and everyone gets depressed) if this is you see a counselor and get medicated because real life is not going anywhere.

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There is a book called "the feeling good handbook". It is a cognitive behavioral therapy handbook by Burns. Most libraries have it. You work through the exercises. It is meant to be as effective as therapy. There is an online store that links all the used bookstores in usa/canada/uk called abebooks. This book is often available on abebooks.

Good luck!

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1 hour ago, Jacobliv said:

she said no, and it kind of took a toll on my confidence

I don't know that this will be of any use, but it jumped to mind when I read your post, so why not...  There's a book, it was (and may still be) free in the Deseret Bookshelf app.  It's called Everyday Missionaries.  (And really, isn't dating kinda like missionary work?)  In chapter 1, there's a story about the author's friend Ben who struggled with inviting people to learn about the Gospel because he is "fragile" about that failing.  So he came up with a solution: He promised the Lord that he would find someone to say "no" to his invitation. :)  Perhaps this should be your goal - find a woman who will say no to your invitation.  How hard can that be?  Then, when you fail, it'll feel good. :D

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2 hours ago, Jacobliv said:

Hey all,

I have a bit of a predicament, and I know to some degree a lot of people can relate. 

I recently returned from my mission, and obviously there is a big pressure on my to date. I know how important this is, in fact, I want to. I desire to date. But I am scared. The reason I am scared is mainly due to the fact that while I was on my mission, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. 

I have seen it play a much larger part in my life compared to before my mission (I have had some degree of anxiety for years now). Before I left for college, I asked a girl from my YSA ward on a date, and she said no, and it kind of took a toll on my confidence in that field. 

For one of the classes I am in, we are doing a comfort zone assignment, where we need to get outside of our comfort zone, and I realized that this really makes me uncomfortable. There is a girl that I want to ask out, but I am scared, and I don't know how to go about it. Essentially, my anxiety is getting the best of me.

 

That sounds pretty normal, not something only experienced by people with depression and anxiety.

The key here is to be grounded in knowing your own value.  You don't need her stamp of approval, you are a child of God and if she doesn't want to go out with you then that is HER loss, not yours, no big deal.  You are just going to move on and find somebody who sees your value.  I'm not talking about being arrogant, just not depending on other people to validate your worth.  If you can get your head there, then dating becomes fun and easy.  Girls find confidence sexy.

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1 hour ago, zil said:

sorry Zil, I did not mean to quote you!

I've been a newbie in a number of towns as I moved around for work. Premormonism, I needed to find some friends! I became semipro at finding friends. Practice makes perfect! I suggest going to young adult activities and just practice talking to people..about anything as long as you are sincere and positive. If there is a movie, and you are in the lobby ask someone:male or female if they have seen the movie. If you are at bowling, ask someone if they have any tips. Talking to someone of the same gender is good practice to learn normal conversation openers. If anyone is rude, be polite back and cross them off the list! Try to find activities where you are doing something. Look for activities that will appeal to women, making food, crafts. They will think you are adorable. Ask for help! How do you put sprinkles on a Christmas ornament? Bear in mind, you are going to succeed at this! In time, you cannot fail! 

Edited by Sunday21
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