Repeat

HELP?! ADVICE NEEDED

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Hey guys and girls. so i want to start with some background story...i started dating a girl right before my mission (when i already had my mission papers) and had sex with her. unfortunately and regretfully served more than half my mission before i really felt a connection with my Heavenly Father and could no longer disappoint him, so i returned to repent. While i was on my mission that girl i had sex with got baptized, she was told she would not have to repent of her sexual transgressions because she was not a member and when she was baptized she was washed clean. a year has gone by and that girl is now my fiance :) hooray, BUT we started having sex, and she feels so terrible. our wedding is scheduled out for a year and we havent done anything for a couple months (staying clean) but she comes to me saying she has nightmares of Heavenly Father crying next to her. I FEEL TERRIBLE!!! HOW COULD I?! HOW?! I lead somebody so pure to this...We both want to talk to the bishop and are getting to it, but it never seems to happen because she believes there is a possibility i could be excommunicated...i guess my question here is: Will i be excommunicated for having sex with her????? I CANNOT live without this gospel, i dont want to leave and be frowned upon by my family and friends. i love this girl so much and i am just scared and i just need to know what will happen to me :( 

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You: get your butt to the Bishop's office now.

She: get her butt to the Bishop's office now.

You both are horribly wounded, bleeding out, and need the Emergency Room NOW.  

4 hours ago, Repeat said:

Will i be excommunicated for having sex with her????? I CANNOT live without this gospel

You say that you CANNOT live without this Gospel.  The only thing which will keep your from the Gospel is when you turn away from God (aka sin) and pridefully keep turned away from God--- which is exactly what you are doing RIGHT now!!!  I repeat: there is nothing more you can do to turn yourself away from the Gospel then continuing this un-repentence.

Now get offline, call your Bishop, and let His healing embrace you.

Edited by Jane_Doe

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Amen to what @Jane_Doe said.  Stop "getting to it" and do it.  Now.  Who cares that it's a Saturday.  Call the executive secretary and tell him you need to set an appointment, that it's urgent, and you need to see the bishop as soon as possible.  Tell her to do the same. Now.

NOTE: You can live with excommunication if that's the appropriate way for you to repent, as that is part of living with the gospel.

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Guest MormonGator

 First off, both you and her need to take a deep breath. Remember that we are all human and we all make mistakes. Nothing you do can make Heavenly Father stop loving you. He might be disappointed in you,  but he won't stop loving you. I want you to remember this above all else: You are loved and so is she. You made a mistake, but we all make them. Sometimes we make serious ones. 

You need to talk to your bishop, that's for sure. Here's a giant hug to you from me personally my friend. Please, please, please try and calm down a bit. 

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54 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

 First off, both you and her need to take a deep breath. Remember that we are all human and we all make mistakes. Nothing you do can make Heavenly Father stop loving you. He might be disappointed in you,  but he won't stop loving you. I want you to remember this above all else: You are loved and so is she. You made a mistake, but we all make them. Sometimes we make serious ones. 

You need to talk to your bishop, that's for sure. Here's a giant hug to you from me personally my friend. Please, please, please try and calm down a bit. 

MormonGater makes a good reminder here: nothing will stop your Father from loving you.  When a child does something that hurt them, a parent doesn't stop loving them; rather our Father asks the child (you) to come so that He may heal you.  Which is all the more reason to call your bishop right now and get the Healing underway.

Edited by Jane_Doe

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6 hours ago, Repeat said:

i guess my question here is: Will i be excommunicated for having sex with her????? 

Extremely, extremely unlikely unless there are other issues that you have not shared with us. With only a surface glance, it feels a lot more in line with Formal Probation. Once you enter into formal probation, you need to stick with the plan. If you ignore the rules & guidance of formal probation long enough, and with an unwillingness to change your heart, then formal probation can lead to excommunication. Besides other reasons, excommunication is a measure to get your undivided attention to the seriousness that you need to stop a certain behavior. If your attention and change of heart can happen within the realm of formal probation, excommunication is not needed. 

Like others have said... go see your Bishop, yesterday.

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Some of the blessings of going to see the bishop, regardless of the severity of the sin are:

  • Invoking priesthood keys designed to aid you in repentance
  • Voluntary submission / humility (which aid in repentance, and bring the power of the Atonement of Christ into your efforts)
  • A partner to help you in repentance (including a powerful aid in avoiding repeating the sin)
  • Help in understanding the severity (or not-as-severe-as-I-feared) of the sin
  • Help in understanding the difference between (good) Godly sorrow to repentance, and (bad) crippling guilt or shame (fed by Satan)
  • Help in gaining a deeper understanding of the full process of repentance and how all of it can apply in situations where it might seem some parts can't apply (e.g. some would think there is no way you can restore what was lost / taken in some cases (e.g. virginity, innocence, virtue), and yet, even these can be restored).
  • Whatever I'm missing

In short, there is great power in invoking the keys held by your bishop.  Take advantage of the gift offered through those keys - it's a beautiful thing.

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I would like to second going to the bishop asap!

Also, you may want to discuss with the bishop the pros and cons of bumping up that wedding date... a year of engagement is begging temptation in the best circumstances, and the last thing you need is to slip up again with this sin.  We all want to see you and your girlfriend happily and worthily married in the temple, and the bishop is just the person to help get you there!  Heed his advice.

I don't know if you will get excommunicated or not, but it really is not important whether you are excommunicated, disfellowshipped or what.  What is important is that you are in the process of repenting.  The instant you truly start repenting is the instant you get back on the road to living for eternity with your wife in the celestial kingdom.  You can expect a ton of love and support no matter what, both from the Bishop and from the Lord.  So submit to the process and know that it isn't about punishment - it is about repairing your soul.

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In a weird sort of way, I am excited for Repeat and his girlfriend.  His girlfriend loves the Lord, the OP is penitent, and with the help of Christ and the bishop, the two of them can make some right decisions that will fix all of the mistakes they have made.  If they are willing to stop breaking the law of chastity and get serious about their futures, they could help each other repent, work their way to the temple, and set the foundation for a fantastic marriage that will culminate in an eternity together!  

For this to happen, they need to catch the vision.  No more shortcuts.  No more giving in to sexual sin.  No letting fear dictate actions.  It is time to do things the right way, and that is through Christ and the bishop.  Do this, Repeat, and have some faith and your life will turn out more wonderful than you can possibly imagine.

Edited by DoctorLemon

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Just remember - don't be afraid of excommunication.  It is just what the repentance process is called.  Don't be afraid what friends and family think - it is your life, not theirs, and what you and the Lord think, as well as where you are headed eternally, is what is actually important.  Catch the vision of eternity and hang onto that, both now and for the rest of your life.  Good luck!

Edited by DoctorLemon

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Yep, get right to that Bishop's office. No pause. Hands off computer and hands on phone. Now for what it is worth, oh dear, when I returned to church, I had a boyfriend and yes...my bishop took it well. We had a little talk. He explained no more sleep overs. We discussed callings that could be offered to me if I reformed. I manned up, had talk with boyfriend, stated taking boyfriend to church, took 'teaching no greater  call' class. No one pinned a scarlet letter to my chest and no one blinked an eye. So relax. I doubt we will see your severed head on traitors gate en route to the Tower of London. Say sorry, desist, all will be well. Get a copy of For the Strength of Youth. Follow it to the letter. You would be amazed what sincere repentance will do for you.

Best Wishes,

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On ‎9‎/‎24‎/‎2016 at 5:14 AM, Repeat said:

I FEEL TERRIBLE!!! HOW COULD I?! HOW?! I lead somebody so pure to this...We both want to talk to the bishop and are getting to it, but it never seems to happen because she believes there is a possibility i could be excommunicated...i guess my question here is: Will i be excommunicated for having sex with her????? I CANNOT live without this gospel, i dont want to leave and be frowned upon by my family and friends. i love this girl so much and i am just scared and i just need to know what will happen to me :( 

My son got himself into a similar situation, but didn't go on a mission.  I'll give you the same advice I gave him.  You got yourself into this situation because of selfishness.  You get to choose your actions, and by your actions, you choose the consequences, too.  My son was disfellowshipped about three years ago.  It has been a long, hard road back to full fellowship, which he has not yet attained.  My son had a pornography problem.  Do you?  I have found that almost without exception, LDS men who mess up like this look at porn.  Maybe not all the time, but once is too much.

It also sounds like you are more worried about the opinion of those around you than you are of Heavenly Father's opinion.  That in itself is a very serious problem.  It should not matter what the bishop decides in your case.  You need to go through what ever repentance process the bishop deems necessary. 

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This is likely what will happen if you and your fiancée don’t go and see your bishops. Either the guilt will continue to eat you alive and make you desperately unhappy for a long long time. Or you will find a way to cover or silence or bury the guilt with scar tissue, leaving you permanently injured and unwhole. You will never feel comfortable in the presence of the Lord or His servants. You will always be living under the strain of living with a secret that you will always be desperate to keep hidden. You will never feel like a whole or complete or clean person. You will never feel the Spirit in its fullness. You will never feel comfortable in the Temple if you even dare to go there, and if you don’t go to the temple, you will miss out on all those blessings. You may feel like a fraud on your wedding day, knowing that you are receiving a wonderful blessing under false pretences. You will always be less than the person you could be and that your Father in Heaven would like you to be. It seems like a no brainer what you should do.

If you are excommunicated or placed on formal discipline, it will only last for a relatively short period of time. The blessings of a happy and pure temple marriage will last for eternity.

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I also think it might be best for you to get married sooner. The bishop can marry you. Then you can work towards being sealed in the temple a year later. 

 

Edit: this only applies if there aren't other major issues. Like porn use.  

Edited by eddified

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IMO, a year engagement is way too much-that is just asking for trouble.  It should take at most 6 months to plan a wedding.  Why the long wait?

Little girls grow up thinking they want to have a big wedding, with lots of guests, etc. etc. etc. people spend 10k+ on a wedding.  And it's completely false. A wedding shouldn't cost but maybe a grand (and that is mostly for food at a reception). Being LDS, we have a free place to get married, either the temple or the church building.  

You know who you want to marry, she said yes, what are your waiting for to actually getting married?

At this point, no you will not be married in the temple starting out and that is a shame, but such is life.  Get married and in a year get sealed.

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On 9/24/2016 at 6:14 AM, Repeat said:

 I FEEL TERRIBLE!!! HOW COULD I?! HOW?! 

Uhm... First, chill.  Excommunication for fornication is HIGHLY unlikely.  Just get a quickie marriage and work through things with your bishop for a year or so until you can get married in the temple.  

Are there going to be people who look at you differently?  Maybe.  Will there be judgment?  Probably.  But in the end, you'll be doing what the Lord wants you to do.  So do it.  HIS is the only judgment that really matters.  Deal with it to please God, not you, not her, not the bishop, not your parents, friends, or anyone else.  Just the Lord.

Then come back on here and tell us all about it and we'll welcome you here with open arms.

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14 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Uhm... First, chill.  Excommunication for fornication is HIGHLY unlikely.  Just get a quickie marriage and work through things with your bishop for a year or so until you can get married in the temple.

It really depends on the circumstances.  Fornication with a prostitute and you are endowed is way different than fornication with your fiance (neither are good), but one is we got carried away and we didn't have enough self-control-the other is I was just looking for it.

But I agree, engaged and fornication with your fiance will most likely be some form of probation, for the endowed member maybe dis-fellowship but that is as far as I can see it. 

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Sorrow for sin is one of the steps towards repentance.  Heavenly Father sent us to earth knowing full well we will make mistakes and sin.  That is why we have Christ who is our Redeemer.  He died for our sins.  Put your sins at his feet, and feel the peace that brings.  Heavenly Father and our Savior will only be disappointed if we don't repent.  It is often so hard to forgive ourselves.  Please forgive yourself.  And, then let the healing power of the Atonement work in your life.  You will find peace.  It may take some time, but it will come.  Talking to your Bishops will bring you and your fiancé' so much relief.

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First: This OP is five months old.

Second: Why do people treat fornication like it's merely a procedural issue? Get-married-now-and-get-sealed-in-a-year is not a healthy attitude, as if a temple sealing is to be taken for granted. I have sympathy for the OP and his girlfriend -- perhaps especially for her, a new member -- but let's not pretend this is a minor "oopsie". I have often cringed at the way some people go overboard when it comes to such things, but I think it's equally damaging, perhaps worse in some ways, to gloss over it like it is just no big deal. Because I think it is a big deal, and should be treated as such.

I don't necessarily disagree with the advice to get married. That may indeed be for the best, though I think that should be a matter of prayer and reflection. I just don't think the situation should be unduly minimized.

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13 minutes ago, Vort said:

First: This OP is five months old.

Second: Why do people treat fornication like it's merely a procedural issue? Get-married-now-and-get-sealed-in-a-year is not a healthy attitude, as if a temple sealing is to be taken for granted. I have sympathy for the OP and his girlfriend -- perhaps especially for her, a new member -- but let's not pretend this is a minor "oopsie". I have often cringed at the way some people go overboard when it comes to such things, but I think it's equally damaging, perhaps worse in some ways, to gloss over it like it is just no big deal. Because I think it is a big deal, and should be treated as such.

I don't necessarily disagree with the advice to get married. That may indeed be for the best, though I think that should be a matter of prayer and reflection. I just don't think the situation should be unduly minimized.

Yup.  Pretty old.

Why marriage? Because you're supposed to.  Ages ago, if you "dishonored" a girl, the honorable thing was to marry her.  And, yes, that fixed it.  In many ways it still does.  In this particular circumstance, it seemed they fell into the trap of the long engagement.  We're often advised to have long courtships and short engagements for this very reason.  

Since they had already made the decision.  They already went through all the consideration of their eternal companion.  So, that part is done.  Now it's time to make it right.

Edited by Guest

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