Sadwife

I think my husband is abusive, and he often threatens divorce and I almost feel like it's the right thing, but I'm scared

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I don't even know where to begin.  I've been married almost 2 decades.  The majority of that time has been pretty miserable.  The only really truly happy time I remember in my marriage was in the first 2 years.  My husband was a spiritual giant when we married. I loved that about him.  

Gradually, the spirituality has faded to the point where he does the bare, bare minimum at church,  and he has become emotionally,  verbally and in some ways sexually abusive. At least I think it's abuse.  It all doesn't seem right for a husband to treat me the way he does. 

I would like to expound on more details, but I'm afraid he'll find out or something.  I feel trapped in this marriage.  I love him as the father of my kids,  but I really don't like him very much.  He's so mean to me sometimes.  But not all the time.  I never know what is going to set him off.  And when he's mad,  the insults, the namecalling, the F bombs just come out of his mouth like it means nothing to him.  And then, he'll say "let's just end this.  Neither of us is enjoying this."

It's  so deflating to hear that every few months.  There are times when we're getting along, and we do have fun together,  but it's always on his terms.  If I mess up, or don't give him what he wants,  then the nice guy is gone,  and the claws come out and I'm left feeling beaten down and worthless. But, it's confusing,  because it's inconsistent.  So I am never sure when he'll be mad.  Sometimes it's unreal how stupid the thing is that sets him off. 

I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep over the years,  wondering how this was ever part of God's plan for me.  It seems so unfair.  I really don't want a divorce mainly because it's so complicated.  But I know I can't live the rest of my life pandering to his whims and devoting my life to making sure he's satisfied, because it's extremely unfulfilling to feel like all I'm good for is sex.  It feels like doesn't want or care about anything else from me.  As long as his dick is happy, then he's nice to me most of the time.  

It makes me so sad that he has no desire to fight for me or for the marriage.  It just makes me feel like what's the point?  Why should I fight for a man who makes me feel like worthless crap? 

I would love to say more,  this is such a long and complicated story. There is a LOT more to it. But I'm seriously scared.  If he found out I wrote this he would for sure leave.  I just need a place to vent.  Counseling is not an option right now and probably never unless I do divorce him.  Bishop is definitely not an option.  I just would love advice on how to handle this.  

So much more to say....I will explain more later,  maybe!  I'm scared.  Maybe I'll delete this later.  I do not want him to find out I wrote this.  Aaahhh! I'm so sad.  :,(

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Sadwife

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I recognize some of this behavior in myself during my first marriage unfortunately. I remember during a counseling session she told the counselor I would call her names. I remember I said I never called "her" stupid I was just saying what she was "doing", "thinking", "acting" was stupid. He told me flat out I was being emotionally abusive. It was a major wake up call for me and I'm happy to say I changed. Unfortunately it was too late and she shortly after went off the deep end. 

Threatening divorce is abuse as well. I did this also, it was how I expressed how angry and hopeless I felt. But it was wrong and there is no place for it. 

Your husband needs a wake up call. He may be so caught up in his own thinking he doesn't realize what he's doing or what he's about to lose. He needs to learn to channel his feelings in a healthier way and he needs help. You seem very afraid for him to find out how you feel. He has to know if he's going to turn this around.

Please know this, you don't deserve it. Not any of it. At the least you need to get some counseling and see the Bishop. It is abuse and it needs to stop. Nothing is going to change if you don't start addressing this.

If I were you I would put some plans in place. The next time he threatens divorce, go in your room, pack your things and leave. You don't need to live day by day wondering when the axe will fall. Time to take some courage and put him to the test. A separation for a determined time period might give him time to think and in some ways it's giving him a chance to wake up. I don't believe in divorce except for when it comes to Adultery, Abuse or Addiction. You need to come to terms that you are dealing with Abuse. If it ends up in divorce, it's not the end of your life or eternal life. 

I have learned thru much hardship to turn to Heavenly Father and say, "Here I am in this life where I chose to be,  with these challenges that I'm sure are a mix of what was promised in this life and those that I created myself, surrounded by people I'm commanded to love, what is it I'm to learn here?, Here I am". Somehow thinking this has provided some perspective on things. 

Perhaps this is an opportunity to learn to stand up for yourself and to overcome your fears and trust your Father in Heaven.

 

 

 

 

 

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@Sadwife I feel the pain emanating off you post and your wounded heart.  I applaud your courage to reach out for help.  You seem afraid to reach out for help when you're hurting-- you should NEVER be afraid for that.  If you had a friend who's husband forbid her to go to the hospital when she was seriously ill, what advice would you give that friend?  To go to the physician she needs, regardless of what her abusive "husband" thinks.  

Likewise I'm going to advise you to go to the physician that you need, regardless of what your abusive "husband" thinks.  You NEED counseling for this wound and to keep your bishop in the loop.  Now I'm guessing a couple of thoughts are going through your head here:

* "But what if he divorces me for getting help?"  If he is so threatened by the idea of you getting healed that he runs away (aka files for divorce) then...I'm sorry but he is a cowardly abuser.

* "But what if he refuses to go with me, or mocks me for going?"  Then go by yourself.  Getting healing with strengthen you to be a better person, mother, and wife (or divorcee).

* "But what if he says we can't afford it?"  Then look of the price of divorce lawyers: they are MUCH more expensive.  Getting yourself the medical attention (aka counseling) you need is a priority and should be treated thus in the budget.  

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The thing is I would leave if I felt a little more financially secure.  There is so much more to this story,  and I'm not completely innocent myself.  I want to share more details.  I guess I can explain,  and then delete this later if I worry he might somehow find out. 

So, what began the spiraling dive, was that when I was pregnant with my first child,  a couple years into the marriage,  he got caught viewing porn at work a couple times and was fired because of it. I felt very betrayed and hurt,  but he seemed sorry and apologetic and repentant at first.  We went to counseling and the bishop and tried to work thru it. Little did I know this was only the beginning.  

I really don't know how many other times it happened,  but I caught him again when I was pregnant with my third child.  Again, he apologized and I think we went to counseling I don't remember.

At the time,  we were running a little online business,  and it was a nice little side income,  since his business wasn't making a lot yet, but it stressed me out having a preschooler, a toddler and a brand new baby and I was responsible for shipping everything and my house was a wreck all the time.  I couldn't take it all. 

So,  I decided to secretly start looking for an "easier" way to make money from home and this is where MY downward spiral began.  I got sucked in and addicted to the shiny penny, get rich quick schemes.  It started out with a few hundred dollars I'd spent buying some program. And I justified not telling him,  because of his little secrets.  

But it got really really bad.  So bad that before I knew it I had spend thousands and thousands of dollars,  hoping one of them would finally pay off. I got deeper and deeper,  and wanted to stop,  but I was scared to stop because then I'd have to tell him, and I wanted to turn things around first.  I was addicted to the hope that I was gonna make a lot of money but it backfired big time. 

I hid this from him for SIX years!  And I don't even know for sure how much money I spent.  Over 20k probably.  He doesn't do anything with the finances,  so I was just racking up credit card debt right and left trying to get the "right" program!  I know!  It's so dumb.  But I had so many ways of justifying it in my mind,  and I believe i was addicted and i had in gotten so deep, I was scared to tell him.  

He has punched more than one hole in walls,  so he has a bit of an anger problem! 

Then, another incident happened. My husband had asked me for years to send him naked pics, and I never wanted to. But finally I decided I would do it for him and one time when he was out of town,  I sent him a whole bunch of pics. I figured I'd rather have him looking at me than porn I guess.  And he wanted phone sex,  so we did that too. 

Sadly, later on after my husband has returned home,  I had accidentally left the phone unlocked,  and my 11 year old son found the pics and my husband got mad at me and threw the phone at the ground,  breaking it into pieces.  

I'll add more later.  Gotta run.  

 

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Mistakes and sins happen.  What you did wrong does not erase what he did wrong, nor vise versa, regardless of the details.  And the thing about addictions (whether porn or quick-rich-schemes) is that they take control of your life: pushing you out of the driver's seat to be dragged behind the runaway car.   

Get real counseling: get back in the driver's seat and make real change.

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20 minutes ago, Sadwife said:

He has punched more than one hole in walls,  so he has a bit of an anger problem! 

Get the kids out.  At some point, it won't just be the walls.  Until he gets past that, he's a danger to anyone who happens to set him off.

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Addiction

Abuse

Adultery

One of those three and i'm out.  Unfortunately it looks like you've had your own problems.  If you are in it to stay, then you should seek counseling.  You should have your bishop help you find a good LDS counselor for both you and your husband.  If he doesn't want to go, then go by yourself.

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Guest MormonGator

Sadwife, I can't offer you advice but know I'm praying for you. Hope you work through this. :: hugs:: 

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3 hours ago, mdfxdb said:

Addiction

Abuse

Adultery

One of those three and i'm out.  Unfortunately it looks like you've had your own problems. 

Just want to clarify my thoughts on this as I mentioned them as well, and that is...

  • Addiction does not deserve Addiction, 
  • Abuse does not deserve Abuse. 
  • Adultery does not deserve Adultery. 

All the cross variants are true as well, like Abuse does not deserve Addiction and Adultery does not deserve Abuse etc..

So just because you've had your own issues with money and caved into his selfish demands for porn, does not mean you deserve Abuse. 

As saints, our call is to turn the other cheek, but at some point remaining in a situation ends up enabling Addiction, Abuse and Adultery. In those cases separation is the only option. You have been Abused and told repeatedly that everything is your fault, so in some sense you are damaged and the only way to gain clarity is to step away from the situation while you heal. 

I have emotionally abused, and I have spent years trying to come to terms with the damage I have done to those my Father in Heaven entrusted to me. So these kinds of threads seem to rip the band-aid off the old wounds. 

Your courage in facing this head one will be difficult but it will only benefit yourself, your children and your spouse..even if it becomes necessary to dissolving the marriage.

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@Sadwife  Great making love (not merely sex) comes as the result of love and trust.  

If a couple does not love each other, sexuality will be compromised.  

If one of you holds secrets, then that's holding back from love, and will compromise sexuality.  

If you or he do not communicate will, sexuality will be compromised.  

If you or he turn to external simulation, your true sexuality will be compromised in place of the fake.  

 

True good marriage and sexuality are two sides of the same coin.  

Edited by Jane_Doe

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@Sadwife  It can be scary to step into the unknown and start something where you don't know how it will play out and end, but God can't steer a parked car.  If you sit and do nothing  you know exactly what you are going to get.  If you want something better, you need to take action and let God guide you and prepare the way before you.  Please start by talking this over with your Bishop.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Sad wife, I don't have anything to add to the wise, kind and thoughtful advice you have already been given.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  The Lord loves you and He can make even the terrible things you've been through be to your benefit (trust me, I'm an abuse survivor too...it was a relative not my husband).  Like MormonGator, you will be in my prayers.  

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Dear Sad wife,

you need an escape plan. I know this will not be easy. You need to think of somewhere to go. I am not sure what services are available where you live. Before looking for services online, google how to erase your search history from your computer. Try to think of family or friends who could put you up for awhile. Can you visit a temple or at least go to the temple grounds for a prayer?

Edited by Sunday21

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So, I had written a couple other long posts that explained more details about our situation,  but they were too sexually detailed,  so they didn't allow them to post. I've asked them to email them back to me so I can try to modify them to be more tame. 

It's difficult because our sexual relationship is so complicated. I need to figure out how to explain it without being offensive or explicit.  

I'm so sad about our relationship.  I'm trapped right now until I can get myself secure,  and I need to play by his rules until I get myself together financially.  

I'll explain more later when I get the email back from admin because I spent a lot of time composing them,  so I want to just modify it and not try to rewrite everything.  

But, here's what happened tonight that bothered me.  My hubby is out of town on a business trip and he had told me last night that he wanted me to send him a picture and have phone sex with me while he's gone (for ONE night!). I didn't want to send pics since I had a bad experience in the past of my son seeing my naked pics, so I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.  So, tonight he calls me and is like, so do you want to do something, or should I just take care of things myself? 

I'm thinking,  you can't wait one freaking night?!? So, I knew he wanted me to be involved,  but I just had too much going on tonight, and I literally hate phone sex.  It's so dumb. So he just "took care of himself". So lame. I wish you could read those other posts I wrote earlier because you would have a little better understanding of our situation.  

He's so far removed from the spirit, he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing.  I don't feel at all like we're companions.  He only likes me and is nice to me when everything goes his way sexually. And in order for that to happen,  I have to succumb to his desires,  or he is not nice to me.  

His love and affection is very conditional on his sexual satisfaction.  Basically,  I feel like if I stay with him I have to give up my eternal salvation because he wants me to do things that God wouldn't want me to do. But, you really need to know the rest of the story that I don't know how to explain. Ugh. 

But, I only hope God can look at my actions and realize where my heart is. Because I don't want to do the things he wants me to, but I feel like I have to in order to keep the peace in the relationship until I figure out what I'm doing.  

I literally feel like sex is all he cares about,  and that's all I'm good for.  I may have to endure this for at least a year or 2 until I can get myself secure financially.  I just hope HF can understand in the mean time,  because I just can't talk to anyone right now.  That has backfired on me in the past,  and I'm not ready to be on my own yet. 

Within 2 years,  we should be completely debt free,  other than the house.  And I'm trying to work and earn some money. I think in 2 years, I will be in a position financially to feel secure enough that when he threatens divorce then,  I won't have to be afraid to say,  "OK. I am not going to be the only one trying to fight for this anymore." It's super sad tho because 2 years will be our 20 year anniversary.  Makes me wanna cry. 

But, it's so hard to feel like your spouse has no desire to fight for you.  I truly believe if I were to suggest divorce today,  he'd be like "OK, let's do it finally." Instead of being sad and repentant and being willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.  No. He's so far past that point. It's heartbreaking.   

I've been the one fighting to keep the marriage  together and asking him for another chance every time he talks about divorce. It seems like he threatens to leave me every few months.  

It's so tough to try to keep things together, and put on my game face,  when I know it all just makes me unhappy.  But I don't know what else to do.  I feel so sad and disappointed.  This is not what I signed up for.  He was such a good man when I married him.  

Anyway, I need to go to bed.  I'm so tired.  I hate my life.  ?

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Sadwife, 

I'm so sorry and saddened by what you are going thru.

You are not responsible or accountable for your husbands actions. They are his entirely own. Based on what you have said I would not be surprised if he's at the point of jusitfying adultery. If at this point you refused sex with him the rest of your marriage you will not be held accountable or responsible for his adultery or his sins ("taking care of himself"). 


In the same way he is responsible for himself, you are for yourself. You, yourself, are rationalizing because of fear. I understand that we should be patient in our afflictions, but that does not mean we are always expected to wait things out either.

 

Quote

 

Our Heavenly Father intends for us to make it! That is His work and His glory.

I love the way President Gordon B. Hinckley used to teach this principle. I heard him say on several occasions, “Brothers and sisters, all the Lord expects of us is to try, but you have to really try!”

“Really trying” means doing the best we can, recognizing where we need to improve, and then trying again. By repeatedly doing this, we come closer and closer to the Lord, we feel His Spirit more and more, and we receive more of His grace, or help.

I sometimes think we don’t recognize how very much the Lord wants to help us. I love the words of Elder David A. Bednar, who said:

“Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints. …

Elder J. Devn Cornish

 

 

Waiting things out, in some scenarios, is "trying". But that is between you and Heavenly Father. 

I think perhaps it's time to take some risks for yourself and your children and even your husband. In doing so you will either be calling his bluff and it will improve your marriage or you will be moving on without him and be free of the pain his selfishness and sin is bringing to your family. 

It's a choice between misery and uncertainty. 

Either way your Heavenly Father loves you.

Edited by Windseeker

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1 hour ago, Windseeker said:

I think perhaps it's time to take some risks for yourself and your children and even your husband. In doing so you will either be calling his bluff and it will improve your marriage or you will be moving on without him and be free of the pain his selfishness and sin is bringing to your family.

@Sadwife I 100% agree with this.
It sounds like your husband is deep in the muck and slime of the affects of pornography use. You need to do something, something "drastic" for lack of a better word. You need to pull yourself out of the safe zone (which in reality is not safe) and declare yourself a person of worth and figure out how to cast these shackles off of you and your family. It sounds like your husband is so deep in the grime that he is actually unable to do it himself AND thus unless "you" do it, it is never going to happen.

Stand up for yourself!
Stand up for your family!
Get some help, you need it.
Sometimes a gentle caress is all we need to change. Other times we need the wake up call of a 2x4" up side the head to realize that we are in some deep spiritual & marriage trouble. I hope in essence all of our comments act as a 2x4" for you too. You too are deep in the muddy mess but at least you realize "change" needs to happen.

Talk with your husband. Tell him that your marriage needs serious help and that the two of you incapable of doing it by yourselves alone. Tell him that you will be seeking help with or without him to try to save your marriage. Tell him you "will be" speaking with the Bishop for guidance and support. Tell him you will be seeking a priesthood blessing for strength. Tell him you want him to be involved and supportive BUT that you are moving forward regardless. IF you are unable to "tell" him in person, take the time to write your thoughts down in a letter to give to him. This way you can gather your thoughts and not feel nervous or intimidated in his presence.

You can do this.

Elder Craig Zwick - "The Lord Thy God Will Hold Thy Hand"
"If we will keep the commandments of God and walk hand in hand with Him in His paths, we will go forward with faith and never feel alone."

A Greg Olson picture I think is fitting:
a.jpg

Edited by NeedleinA

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On 10/10/2016 at 11:52 AM, mdfxdb said:

Addiction

Abuse

Adultery

One of those three and i'm out. 

@Sadwife,

I'm usually of the same mind as mdfxdb.  But I hear stories like yours and I really wonder whether that is all.  I don't necessarily see that he's crossed the line on these three (only based on what you've written).  But I do hear your cries and I feel your sorrows.  I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation.  But I believe that whatever decision you make with prayer and fasting will be the right one for you.

Remember that people do love you and care about you.  Above all, remember that your Heavenly Father will give you the strength to endure whatever trials He asks of you.  Have faith.  Have courage.  And lean on the arm of God, not the arm of man.

Also remember that just because He asks you to endure a trial now, does not mean He expects you to endure it forever.  Just as Joseph, son of Israel, endured many trials, he did not endure them forever.  Eventually, the Lord blessed him above all others.

Edited by Guest

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6 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

The line has been crossed the OPs husband got fired for viewing porn at work.

I'm not one for throwing the "A" word around (addiction) but if your getting popped at work for it your probably an addict.

Hmm.  I guess I missed that one.  Yup.  I'd drop him.

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12 hours ago, Sadwife said:

So, I had written a couple other long posts that explained more details about our situation,  but they were too sexually detailed,  so they didn't allow them to post. I've asked them to email them back to me so I can try to modify them to be more tame. 

It's difficult because our sexual relationship is so complicated. I need to figure out how to explain it without being offensive or explicit.  

I'm so sad about our relationship.  I'm trapped right now until I can get myself secure,  and I need to play by his rules until I get myself together financially.  

I'll explain more later when I get the email back from admin because I spent a lot of time composing them,  so I want to just modify it and not try to rewrite everything.  

But, here's what happened tonight that bothered me.  My hubby is out of town on a business trip and he had told me last night that he wanted me to send him a picture and have phone sex with me while he's gone (for ONE night!). I didn't want to send pics since I had a bad experience in the past of my son seeing my naked pics, so I told him I didn't think it was a good idea.  So, tonight he calls me and is like, so do you want to do something, or should I just take care of things myself? 

I'm thinking,  you can't wait one freaking night?!? So, I knew he wanted me to be involved,  but I just had too much going on tonight, and I literally hate phone sex.  It's so dumb. So he just "took care of himself". So lame. I wish you could read those other posts I wrote earlier because you would have a little better understanding of our situation.  

He's so far removed from the spirit, he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing.  I don't feel at all like we're companions.  He only likes me and is nice to me when everything goes his way sexually. And in order for that to happen,  I have to succumb to his desires,  or he is not nice to me.  

His love and affection is very conditional on his sexual satisfaction.  Basically,  I feel like if I stay with him I have to give up my eternal salvation because he wants me to do things that God wouldn't want me to do. But, you really need to know the rest of the story that I don't know how to explain. Ugh. 

But, I only hope God can look at my actions and realize where my heart is. Because I don't want to do the things he wants me to, but I feel like I have to in order to keep the peace in the relationship until I figure out what I'm doing.  

I literally feel like sex is all he cares about,  and that's all I'm good for.  I may have to endure this for at least a year or 2 until I can get myself secure financially.  I just hope HF can understand in the mean time,  because I just can't talk to anyone right now.  That has backfired on me in the past,  and I'm not ready to be on my own yet. 

Within 2 years,  we should be completely debt free,  other than the house.  And I'm trying to work and earn some money. I think in 2 years, I will be in a position financially to feel secure enough that when he threatens divorce then,  I won't have to be afraid to say,  "OK. I am not going to be the only one trying to fight for this anymore." It's super sad tho because 2 years will be our 20 year anniversary.  Makes me wanna cry. 

But, it's so hard to feel like your spouse has no desire to fight for you.  I truly believe if I were to suggest divorce today,  he'd be like "OK, let's do it finally." Instead of being sad and repentant and being willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.  No. He's so far past that point. It's heartbreaking.   

I've been the one fighting to keep the marriage  together and asking him for another chance every time he talks about divorce. It seems like he threatens to leave me every few months.  

It's so tough to try to keep things together, and put on my game face,  when I know it all just makes me unhappy.  But I don't know what else to do.  I feel so sad and disappointed.  This is not what I signed up for.  He was such a good man when I married him.  

Anyway, I need to go to bed.  I'm so tired.  I hate my life.  ?

I think that you have a the beginnings a good plan. If he goes away for a couple of days, I would try to see a lawyer. The reality of divorce law is often a shock to people. If you go on business trips within your state/province, I would try to see a lawyer while on the business trip. If possible, try to get records of pay checks and leave them with a safe friend or relative. Good luck.

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14 hours ago, Sadwife said:

 I feel like if I stay with him I have to give up my eternal salvation because he wants me to do things that God wouldn't want me to do. But, you really need to know the rest of the story that I don't know how to explain. Ugh. 

But, I only hope God can look at my actions and realize where my heart is. Because I don't want to do the things he wants me to, but I feel like I have to in order to keep the peace in the relationship until I figure out what I'm doing. 

Do what is right and trust in God to open the way before you.  He wants to help you so give him the chance.  Freedom is better than peace.  There are women's shelters and other resources in and out of the church that will help you.

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