Can't mention my daughter without my niece being brought up

[Backroads]

This post will probably reveal me as a horrible person, but something has been grating on me awhile.

I have a niece who is 8 months older than my younger daughter. My niece is physically developmentally delayed and is in regular therapy. Right now, my baby is starting to pass her cousin up in milestones.

For about the past 6 months, I can't mention anything to my parents about what my daughter has done without hearing how Niece can't do that, or took forever to do that.

I know I should be grateful for a healthy and able child, but I get the impression I should just hush up and check every baby story I have.

[Guest MormonGator]

15 minutes ago, Backroads said:

This post will probably reveal me as a horrible person, but something has been grating on me awhile.

 

I have no advice for your situation, so I apologize upfront. 

Do me a favor though? Don't refer to yourself as a "horrible person". You are nothing of the sort. 

Edited October 29, 2016 by MormonGator

[Backroads]

16 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I have no advice for your situation, so I apologize upfront. 

Do me a favor though? Don't refer to yourself as a "horrible person". You are nothing of the sort. 

I once laughed at a student who slid face first into vomit after I warned the class about said vomit. 

[Jane_Doe]

It is not you who is constantly comparing the two grandchildren (your niece and your daughter).  Such comparisons are not healthy, and it is wrong for your parents to do that.  I would not let their wrong actions stop you from talking about your child.  

Have you discussed this with your folks?

[Guest]

It is very touching that your parents care so much about their granddaughter.  Do they care about more than one of them?  Maybe they ought to consider that.

[estradling75]

Have you considered for a moment that you are in a variation of the prodigal son parable?

You through your daughter are in the role of the Good Son... while your Niece and her family are in the role of the prodigal...  Now in your case neither one is a transgressor... but it is totally within human nature to worry more about the child that is clearly is having the greater struggle.  This equates to more attention and focus on the one with problems.  Sadly this means the one with the lesser problems or issues some times feels neglected.. this can be compounded if their successes or triumph are not celebrated.

Now it sounds like your daughter is probably too young yet to feel the impact... so you have time... time to have some heartfelt discussions about how important that your parents support the triumphs and success of all their grand kids and each one individually... not just the ones they feel are struggling most. 

[Backroads]

14 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

It is not you who is constantly comparing the two grandchildren (your niece and your daughter).  Such comparisons are not healthy, and it is wrong for your parents to do that.  I would not let their wrong actions stop you from talking about your child.  

Have you discussed this with your folks?

I have. The response is that they know they shouldn't, but they just can't help but worry over Niece.

[Blueskye2]

On 10/29/2016 at 4:52 PM, Backroads said:

This post will probably reveal me as a horrible person, but something has been grating on me awhile.

I have a niece who is 8 months older than my younger daughter. My niece is physically developmentally delayed and is in regular therapy. Right now, my baby is starting to pass her cousin up in milestones.

For about the past 6 months, I can't mention anything to my parents about what my daughter has done without hearing how Niece can't do that, or took forever to do that.

I know I should be grateful for a healthy and able child, but I get the impression I should just hush up and check every baby story I have.

It went like this, many years ago. My beautiful nephew was born. At 4 months the Dr. is worried about milestones. At 9 months the Dr. knows the boy is already far behind. At a year he is diagnosed as severely brain impaired. No one knows why. He never crawls, he never walks, he never talks. He smiles all the time!

A healthy baby, close to the same age, is a confirmation. A reality check. Because it's too hard to comprehend. Too hard to really see what is wrong. A healthy baby makes you know. The reality will sink in and the comparisons for the most part will end. May arise at larger milestones again, like starting kindergarten, graduating, marriage.  But by then the reality is known and the comparison is more a what if.

Be patient with your parents. 

Edited November 2, 2016 by Blueskye2

[tapdancer]

There could be another side to this that your parents may not have considered..that the parents of your niece probably won't appreciate the comparison either and are not happy that it's a big topic of conversation.  I say this because my son turns 18 in September and at least two young men will be putting their papers in around about that time.  But mine won't.  He's autistic and has moderate learning difficulties.  He wasn't baptised until he was 11 and he does hold the Aaronic Priesthood.  He's done baptisms in the Temple (probably the first time the Temple workers had seen a young man in the baptistry wearing ear defenders!). He blesses the Sacrament, goes home teaching with his Dad, but that will probably be the limit of his service for the foreseeable future. For most of the time I'm grateful for the lovely young man that he is, the blessing he is to our family, but occasionally, just occasionally I do feel sad that he won't be serving a full time proselyting mission.   I rejoice in all the young people in our ward receiving their calls and going out to serve, but there can be a tinge of envy.  Your parents may not know what to say (my mum is often unsure), but I can understand that it could well be a source of frustration for you.

[Bini]

Backroads, life is too short not to convey your feelings and or concerns to loved ones. I would make a single effort to bring to my parents' attention that there are things I'd like to share with them about my child and with the focus just on my child. Be as direct as needs be, and if they don't understand, perhaps those special milestones ought to be shared with someone else that can appreciate them. Best of luck.

[Suzie]

On 10/29/2016 at 3:52 PM, Backroads said:

This post will probably reveal me as a horrible person, but something has been grating on me awhile.

I have a niece who is 8 months older than my younger daughter. My niece is physically developmentally delayed and is in regular therapy. Right now, my baby is starting to pass her cousin up in milestones.

For about the past 6 months, I can't mention anything to my parents about what my daughter has done without hearing how Niece can't do that, or took forever to do that.

I know I should be grateful for a healthy and able child, but I get the impression I should just hush up and check every baby story I have.

As much as I understand your frustration, if I was in your place I would talk to my parents again but most of all, I would try very hard to understand their valid concern and offer support and encouragement to my brother/sister. Raising a child with developmental issues isn't a walk in the park.

[Sunday21]

@Backroads. I have two nieces. One is 21. She has had a private school education, on the public dime, and she did very well in school. She has chosen to become a social worker. She could have headed to Wall Street but instead she will have a modestly paid job helping others. She has continually demonstrated kindness, patience, and charity. She is a very nice person. Such people are quite rare in my family! We occasionally humbly acknowledge her virtues in wondering tones.

i have another niece who is 13. She is adopted. She was abandoned as an infant. Left to die. Her home life is troubled. At least one of her parents would be given a severe tongue lashing by a bishop if a member. Perhaps as a consequence, my younger niece is a bit challenged. I like her personally. She is very funny and ironic. I like spending time with her.

when we compliment my older niece, the mother of the younger niece sometimes erupts in rage, it is something to see. We are not comparing the two girls in any way, bur the mother of the adopted girl feels that we are. No amount of denial can reassure her. It has become impossible to discuss the older niece in the presence of the mother of the younger niece. Families! What can you do?

Edited February 16, 2017 by Sunday21