My Wife is Leaving me Over Boundaries


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After fifteen years of marriage my wife said she is leaving me today.  Her sister has been living with us for five months unemployed.  My wife gave her the job of watching our five year old daughter for a few months but that ended.  It had been about two months and she had not found a job.  I got into a fight with my wife and said she is not pulling her weight and that I am tired of bearing her burden.  The sister over heard our fight and left the house crying.  She said she will not come back.  My wife then said I am cruel and she refuses to live with a person like me.  She then left.  We also have about $5,000 in debt we have incurred for her sister.  Right now I think her mom is paying the debt payments.

I am angry because I am tired of others supporting a able bodied 41 year old woman who should be taking care of herself.  But it looks life my wife has decided to call it quit.  I just feel bad because she does not have the boundaries I do.  I would not ask someone else to support me and incur debt for me.

Pray for me and my wife give me any advice if you wish.

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I don't have all the facts, but I agree that under ordinary circumstances, an able bodied 41 year old should not be allowed to mooch off of relatives for months on end, especially if she is apparently too lazy to watch your five year old.  Going into debt over someone else js ordinarily just a bad idea.  There are plenty of alternatives to being a burden, such as vandwelling (a favorite solution of mine) or getting a job at McDonalds and paying $400 a month to you in rent.  I have been in this dynamic, and it usually tends to just make things worse in your marriage.  If your sister in law is finally out of he house, i would be very cautious about letting her back in, because i think her presence has been bad for your marriage and will continue to be a strain.  Just how i see things, having been there with a mother in law.  

As for your wife leaving, i agree that, if your sister is the only reason she is leaving, that is a pretty dumb reason.  Perhaps something else is at play?  Only you can answer this.  Do what you need to do to patch up your marriage, but I personally would be careful about inviting the sister back in.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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1 hour ago, Fire_Guy said:

I don't understand your statement Jane.  I feel like I am being taken advantage of and I admit I have a lot of resentment over it.  My wife has no issue with someone else not contributing to the bills except for maybe with food stamp money sometimes. 

It seems odd that a 15 yr marriage would go from perfectly healthy to divorce over the course of 5 months, especially when it's only an external force pushing (the sister).  Hence my suspicions that there was some underlying issue that pre-dates 5 months ago.  Then again, I could very easily be wrong.

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My wife came back today and got very angry.  She then did some things that scared me.  She said she was going to kill herself and then she went for a walk and came back after I drove the car after her.  She now left with her sister who told her not to even think about suicide.

The last time she had a meltdown like this was over ten years ago when she thought our son was missing.  Keep praying for her.  She is so angry at me right now.

Some other information about my sister in law.  She was flooded out of her house and lost everything about five months ago.

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29 minutes ago, Fire_Guy said:

My wife came back today and got very angry.  She then did some things that scared me.  She said she was going to kill herself and then she went for a walk and came back after I drove the car after her.  She now left with her sister who told her not to even think about suicide.

The last time she had a meltdown like this was over ten years ago when she thought our son was missing.  Keep praying for her.  She is so angry at me right now.

Some other information about my sister in law.  She was flooded out of her house and lost everything about five months ago.

If your wife is talking suicide, she needs to see a counselor.  Even if she doesn't seem like she'd actually kill herself, there is need for a better method of stress/conflict management.

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Once when she was angry about fifteen years ago she threatened to destroy her car but I have not seen her this angry since.  When our son was missing for about an hour she was distraught but said that she would end her life if we had not found him.  (He was sleeping in a cupboard.)

She did talk about suicide a few months ago after having some major health issues of waking up in pain at night for months.  She was also in a lot of pain in addition to the night pain from the gall bladder.  Doctors finally discovered she was having gall bladder problems and took it out.  

I know she will refuse counseling because she does not want to be put on a "crazy list" that labels you as mentally defective.

Edited by Fire_Guy
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Guest MormonGator

From one guy to another, brother to brother-I'm praying for you and I hope you stay strong during this troubling time, no matter what happens.

Wishing you peace and love bro. 

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7 minutes ago, pam said:

It could also be the sister in law is suffering from some post trauma.  I know I would be if I had lost everything I own.

I think the sister in law is suffering from depression.  She has a hard time doing a lot of normal activities and seems to shut herself out from most other people.

I also feel bad now for getting angry about the situation. 

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49 minutes ago, Fire_Guy said:

I think the sister in law is suffering from depression.  She has a hard time doing a lot of normal activities and seems to shut herself out from most other people.

I also feel bad now for getting angry about the situation. 

When my mother in law lost her job and house and decided to give up on her life, move in with me and my wife, and retire at age 49, she just got more and more depressed the longer she sat around our house, doing nothing.  That mood of hopelessness is contagious and put a real strain on my marriage.  I had to throw several all out fits over the course of a year to convince her to start putting some kind of effort into her life again.  It worked, and after a year she started applying for jobs again and moved out.  During this whole ordeal, my bishop kept telling me i was making it too easy for my mother in law, that she was not going to go anywhere unless she was made uncomfortable enough.  Sad to say, some people will not get it together without significant pressure.  Do not beat yourself up for standing up for yourself.  I used to do that, but in retrospect i recognize i was right to stand up for myself and my family.  

You need to be aware of a dynamic in these types of situations - letting your sister in law sit around and rot is not doing her any favors, and things will only get worse if you let it go on.  Let me repeat - the lack of work makes her depression worse, not better.

Your sister in law lost everything in a flood?  I am sorry to hear that.  It is no excuse to give up on life.  

As for your wife threatening suicide, that is pure craziness (or manipulation).  In Texas she could be involuntarily committed for such talk.  She needs to see a counselor ASAP.  

I would enlist the help of your bishop ASAP... mine was an invaluable asset when i was going through this.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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42 minutes ago, Fire_Guy said:

I think the sister in law is suffering from depression.  She has a hard time doing a lot of normal activities and seems to shut herself out from most other people.

I also feel bad now for getting angry about the situation. 

Mental health issues can have genetic roots and your wife may be at risk as well if that is the case.

As for your sister in law, family should help in times of crisis, but not to the point of creating a new crisis.  Is the Bishop involved?  The church has resources to help her get back on her feet too and it doesn't matter if she is not a member or less active.  I'm not sure what kind of burden it was on you to have your sister in law there, but you may want to give some serious consideration to the idea that perhaps you were being more judgemental and less charitable than you should have been and may want to consider apologizing and working with your wife and s-i-l to fine a workable arrangement with boundaries you are all comfortable with.

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I talked with the sister in law but she still wants to leave.  My wife said she is leaving and already asked for half of her assets.  I gave her some cash but I think I am not going to empty out our retirement account unless she decides to file for divorce.  I do not want a divorce but she says I am manipulative and I do not care about anything but money.

She wants to be free to live her own life and not have to listen to me anymore from what I can see.

In the past she also leant $5,500 of our money to another sibling who never paid it back because he incurred a gambling debt.  She has different boundaries than I do.  I just would not do what she does or ask family for the amount of money she is willing to give.  I do not know what to do.

Edit: The Bishop has not been involved as the sister in law says If there was a God He would have not let these things happen to me.  She is inactive.

Edited by Fire_Guy
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Fire_Guy,

if you're still checking on this thread, I'd still echo Jane Doe's comments.  This single event doesn't cause talks about divorce.  There is something else going on here.  And this was just the last straw.  Without that further knowledge and understanding of the situation, then I don't know what good advice anyone can give.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Fire_Guy, I'm sorry you and your wife are going through this.  I agree with Jane, there is something more than meets the eye here.  I don't know what it is, but there's definitely some deeper issues here that need to be addressed.  Your wife needs therapy, badly.  She needs to get over the idea that therapy is for "crazy" people.  I get it.  I had reservations about starting therapy myself, but it has helped me a lot.  I used to tell my therapist, "This is crazy.  I am crazy!"  And he just kindly said, "What happened to you was crazy and your response is normal."  

Talk to your Bishop.  What your sister in law thinks about God has nothing to do with this, talking to the Bishop is mostly about support and help for YOU. You could benefit from the Bishop's advice and support.  It doesn't matter what anyone thinks about that.  

Edited by LiterateParakeet
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13 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

She said she was going to kill herself and then she went for a walk and came back after I drove the car after her.

Step 1: This is blatant emotional manipulation. If you respond to this at all, it should be by calling the cops and telling them that your wife said she'd kill herself. Under no circumstances should you agree to anything -- ANYTHING -- she says if she plays the "I'll kill myself" card. Never go after her in the car. If she stomps out with threats of suicide, DO NOT RESPOND. She probably won't kill herself. It's likely just stupid, sick-minded blather. But if she does, that's her choice. She, not you, will answer to God for her suicide, and also for her threats about it.

If you do respond to her ugly threats, you are playing her sick game. Don't play it.

Step 2: Get a divorce lawyer. Today. Do not wait. This advice may sound harsh, but you will be very, very, very sorry you waited if this divorce thing comes off.

12 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

I know she will refuse counseling because she does not want to be put on a "crazy list" that labels you as mentally defective.

News flash: When you threaten suicide, you belong on the crazy list.

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24 minutes ago, Vort said:

Step 1: This is blatant emotional manipulation. If you respond to this at all, it should be by calling the cops and telling them that your wife said she'd kill herself. Under no circumstances should you agree to anything -- ANYTHING -- she says if she plays the "I'll kill myself" card. Never go after her in the car. If she stomps out with threats of suicide, DO NOT RESPOND. She probably won't kill herself. It's likely just stupid, sick-minded blather. But if she does, that's her choice. She, not you, will answer to God for her suicide, and also for her threats about it.

If you do respond to her ugly threats, you are playing her sick game. Don't play it.

Step 2: Get a divorce lawyer. Today. Do not wait. This advice may sound harsh, but you will be very, very, very sorry you waited if this divorce thing comes off.

News flash: When you threaten suicide, you belong on the crazy list.

I agree with VORT 100%

Get a lawyer ASAP, lock down the finances protect yourself and your kids.

On a side you wanting to kick her sister out and her reaction to it are only reactions to long standing issues that you have had in your relationship. I will never believe that everything was great and then she woke up one day and went bananas. You know there have been issues and she knows it. You both stuck your heads in the sand not wanting to deal with it.  Unfortunately it has all come to a head and might be too far gone to recover from.

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13 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

I know she will refuse counseling because she does not want to be put on a "crazy list" that labels you as mentally defective.

She needs to get over that.  Counseling is for those who need help-- heck I have a counseling appointment myself this afternoon just to figure out how to approach a inter-personal conflict with my boss.  Am I crazy?  No, I just have a jerk boss and want advice on how to best handle the situation (one that doesn't involve burning the bridge I need).

You don't go too counseling because you're defective-- defective people don't admit that they are having issues and need help.  Sane people acknowledge when they're having issues (like threatening killing people) and get help.

Edited by Jane_Doe
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Guest LiterateParakeet
39 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

You don't go too counseling because you're defective-- defective people don't admit that they are having issues and need help.  Sane people acknowledge when they're having issues (like threatening killing people) and get help.

Love this. You're right Jane.

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Thanks for the feedback in the thread thus far.

My wife is not angry anymore and is now thinking about the situation.  I think she is now deciding she does not want to separate.  I am going to encourage her to get some mental help.  It is bad to threaten suicide after a disagreement.  I appreciate the prayers thus far.  I will give more updates in the future.

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2 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

Thanks for the feedback in the thread thus far.

My wife is not angry anymore and is now thinking about the situation.  I think she is now deciding she does not want to separate.  I am going to encourage her to get some mental help.  It is bad to threaten suicide after a disagreement.  I appreciate the prayers thus far.  I will give more updates in the future.

I would still recommend seeing the Bishop, your marriage is on fragile ground,and while you sister in law may not believe in God that doesn't stop the church from being able to provide help with things like food, shelter, clothing, employment etc.

I think she may not disbelieve in God, just be angry with him much like your wife was angry with you.  Millions of people have lost everything they had due to fire or flood or war or whatever since the dawn of time and she has always known that, but suddenly when it happens to her it means there is no God?

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