Fire_Guy

My Wife is Leaving me Over Boundaries

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My wife has decided against leaving me for now.  I told my wife I loved her and suggested that she needed counseling and told her that this type of behavior was very negative.  She still refuses to get counseling thus far. I have not seen her meltdown like she did on Sunday in a fifteen year span of time about that I can remember.  I will continue to put up with it because it is so infrequent. 

We took my Sister in law out for pizza on the 31st of October.  I suggested that she see the Bishop about employment possibly at Deseret Industries but she also refused thus far.

Then to add to all this last night we discovered five people in my house had head lice.  Oh joy!  We have dealt with this before and have everything we need to kill them right now.

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1 hour ago, Fire_Guy said:

My wife has decided against leaving me for now.  I told my wife I loved her and suggested that she needed counseling and told her that this type of behavior was very negative.  She still refuses to get counseling thus far. I have not seen her meltdown like she did on Sunday in a fifteen year span of time about that I can remember.  I will continue to put up with it because it is so infrequent. 

She refuses counseling, but you should still go. The armchair shrink in me thinks that there is a high level of codependency in your relationship. I for one would not continue to put up with bad behavior no matter how infrequently it happens.  We are only hearing one side of the story so I have to give a 50% discount to you about what we are being told but assuming that it is only half true there are some serious issues at play here that are affecting your well being and the welfare of your children.

1 hour ago, Fire_Guy said:

We took my Sister in law out for pizza on the 31st of October.  I suggested that she see the Bishop about employment possibly at Deseret Industries but she also refused thus far.

I don't know what part of the country you live in but I would resolve this issue like this: 

1. Give sister in law $3,000.00 (this covers a first and last months rent for pretty much anyplace she could want to go, she will have a roof over her head and your off the hook for cheap).

2. Give Sister in Law 30 days to move out.

3. Day 30 change the locks

1 hour ago, Fire_Guy said:

Then to add to all this last night we discovered five people in my house had head lice.  Oh joy!  We have dealt with this before and have everything we need to kill them right now.

Well that's gross.....

Edited by omegaseamaster75

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22 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

1. Give sister in law $3,000.00 (this covers a first and last months rent for pretty much anyplace she could want to go, she will have a roof over her head and your off the hook for cheap).

2. Give Sister in Law 30 days to move out.

3. Day 30 change the locks

Sometimes that is the right way to handle it, sometimes that is not.  Don't act out of anger or frustration or fear.  Pray about it and don't make any big changes until both you and your wife are in agreement that it is the best thing to do and act out of love.

We've had to deal with the kids bringing home lice from school more than once, what a pain.

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I wish I had the money for counseling.  We were just hit with $610 in unexpected bills this month.  Also my wife is going in for surgery soon that is going to take her out of the work force for about 30 days recovery time.  I only make about $38,000 a year on my own.

I think the sister in law believes it is near hopeless or just ignoring the situation at this time.  She wants to do it her way but it is not working her way in my opinion.  I found work where I live at in about 65 days after filling out around forty job applications.  The unemployment rate is low here.  I think she needs to look at temporary agencies or seasonal jobs.

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1 hour ago, Fire_Guy said:

I think the sister in law believes it is near hopeless or just ignoring the situation at this time.  She wants to do it her way but it is not working her way in my opinion.  I found work where I live at in about 65 days after filling out around forty job applications.  The unemployment rate is low here.  I think she needs to look at temporary agencies or seasonal jobs.

Or she should take a job at McDonalds and apply for better jobs in her free time (as she appears to not have anything better going on in her life).  This can be a token that she has some sense of decency and responsibility left.  Last time i worked at a restaurant job, it took me eight days to find a job, and that was during the 2008 recession.

There is a reason the Lord says we should not be idle.  Being idle is not righteous, and people who are idle do not have the spirit with them and are certainly not moving towards their eternal goals.  Regardless of pay, work is its own reward.  

Edited by DoctorLemon

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11 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

I wish I had the money for counseling.  We were just hit with $610 in unexpected bills this month.  Also my wife is going in for surgery soon that is going to take her out of the work force for about 30 days recovery time.  I only make about $38,000 a year on my own.

I think the sister in law believes it is near hopeless or just ignoring the situation at this time.  She wants to do it her way but it is not working her way in my opinion.  I found work where I live at in about 65 days after filling out around forty job applications.  The unemployment rate is low here.  I think she needs to look at temporary agencies or seasonal jobs.

No money for counseling, see your bishop if you truly are a broke as you say you are then he (the church) will pay for it.

Or you can get a second part time job to pay for the counseling, you are making an investment in your marriage 

Edited by omegaseamaster75

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14 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

I wish I had the money for counseling.  We were just hit with $610 in unexpected bills this month.  Also my wife is going in for surgery soon that is going to take her out of the work force for about 30 days recovery time.  I only make about $38,000 a year on my own.

I think the sister in law believes it is near hopeless or just ignoring the situation at this time.  She wants to do it her way but it is not working her way in my opinion.  I found work where I live at in about 65 days after filling out around forty job applications.  The unemployment rate is low here.  I think she needs to look at temporary agencies or seasonal jobs.

Check with your Bishop, he might be able to assist with the cost of counseling, and his input on the spiritual side would be good too.  It sounds like your sister in law may be dealing with a level of depression, and that will likely need to be address first.  All the opportunity in the world is no help to somebody who doesn't have the heart to make an effort, and you can't just choose to feel differently, it takes time, sometimes it takes counseling and sometimes it takes medication but you can't force somebody down that path unless they become a threat to themselves or others.

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I received news today that the sister in law is getting a job interview.  Hopefully this goes somewhere.  She desperately needs the money and she needs to work. 

I agree with you Doctor Lemon.  Being idle is not righteous, and people who are idle will frequently begin to go down unrighteous paths as the Spirit many times will leave them unto themselves.

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8 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

I received news today that the sister in law is getting a job interview.  Hopefully this goes somewhere.  She desperately needs the money and she needs to work. 

I agree with you Doctor Lemon.  Being idle is not righteous, and people who are idle will frequently begin to go down unrighteous paths as the Spirit many times will leave them unto themselves.

I hope it goes well.  When the high tech bubble burst in the early 2000's it hit me hard and I was unemployed for over a year.  I wound up taking the worst job of my life out of desperation.  It took 2 hrs to get there by bus and 2 hrs back, paid the same hourly rate as what I made tutoring high school kids when I was in university, and they treated their employees like crap, but it sure felt better to earn a paycheck than have the church or government support me and my family.

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It certainly sounds as if you have a lot of strain and turmoil lately, after reading all of this I cannot really offer anything new except talk to your Bishop about possible help with counseling for you and your wife. Your sister-in-law having lost everything recently is likely struggling and might also benefit from counseling. I wish you all well. 

I recently had an adult daughter move home, she brought her live-in boyfriend and a cat. None of this was ideal, but, as she was quitting a drug addiction and trying to clean up her life, I agreed he could come. This was in July of 2016. They are both clean, and working, and now beginning a house search (2 months later than my you must move out by date) She may not live the life I want her too but, I will let her take her path and hope it arrives at a healthy and happy place for her. As a parent, it is really terrifying and hard to watch a child succumb to a bad path and to a drug addiction, so I had to say yes in just the tiny flicker of hope she could find her way back to real life and happiness. 

Helping others is stressful, they don't often work as hard as they could, or get jobs as quick as they could, I really thought we were faced with the possibility of kicking them out, but we backed completely off and sure enough they came around on their own. This was after we stopped mentioning jobs, and moving, and paying her bills on her own....they both got jobs, started paying some bills (baby-steps).  In the end, my husband and I (as well as her younger siblings) are tired of them being here. But, I have done my piece, helped out a loved one.

I wait patiently for them to leave. What I have learned is:

1. helping others who are coming out of trauma or addiction is a slower process than we would like, we don't always get to decide how fast it goes  (Ha, I told them jobs and move out in 90 days).

2. It is REALLY trying, if I had it to do again I'd get them a place for 2 months and the rest is up to them.

3. They will likely cause tension and other fights in the household. I don't care for her points of view or the ridiculous thinking she exposes her sisters too but in the end we will all survive. :) 

It reminds me to help in a smarter way in the future. Lesson learned. 

I truly wish you the best and hope the SIL finds a job and you will have one less thing on your plate soon. 

 

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No word back yet on if the sister in law got the job.  My wife is off work and in the hospital right now recovering from surgery. 

I then find out today that there is an about 18% interest rate credit card my wife has been secretly letting her sister use so she can go run around and play.  This is in addition to the $5,000 she has already borrowed from us that is being paid by her Mom I believe.  I think there is over $1,000 balance on this secret credit card now.  So, so frustrating that is to find this out.  I asked my wife to cancel that card but she refuses.  I hope the sister in law starts work soon.

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8 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

No word back yet on if the sister in law got the job.  My wife is off work and in the hospital right now recovering from surgery. 

I then find out today that there is an about 18% interest rate credit card my wife has been secretly letting her sister use so she can go run around and play.  This is in addition to the $5,000 she has already borrowed from us that is being paid by her Mom I believe.  I think there is over $1,000 balance on this secret credit card now.  So, so frustrating that is to find this out.  I asked my wife to cancel that card but she refuses.  I hope the sister in law starts work soon.

This is something to be very validly angry about.

Edited by Jane_Doe

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22 hours ago, Fire_Guy said:

No word back yet on if the sister in law got the job.  My wife is off work and in the hospital right now recovering from surgery. 

I then find out today that there is an about 18% interest rate credit card my wife has been secretly letting her sister use so she can go run around and play.  This is in addition to the $5,000 she has already borrowed from us that is being paid by her Mom I believe.  I think there is over $1,000 balance on this secret credit card now.  So, so frustrating that is to find this out.  I asked my wife to cancel that card but she refuses.  I hope the sister in law starts work soon.

 

The credit card issue is not something to be taken lightly, hiding things like that is not fair to you. I echo the others please go to your Bishop. 

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On 11/14/2016 at 11:28 PM, Fire_Guy said:

No word back yet on if the sister in law got the job.  My wife is off work and in the hospital right now recovering from surgery. 

I then find out today that there is an about 18% interest rate credit card my wife has been secretly letting her sister use so she can go run around and play.  This is in addition to the $5,000 she has already borrowed from us that is being paid by her Mom I believe.  I think there is over $1,000 balance on this secret credit card now.  So, so frustrating that is to find this out.  I asked my wife to cancel that card but she refuses.  I hope the sister in law starts work soon.

What state do you live in?  That will be a tremendous factor in how this impacts you and your marriage.  Seriously, this is not just Bishop time.  It's lawyer time.

That doesn't mean an automatic divorce.  It means you've got to protect yourself if it comes to that.

Edited by Guest

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I went to a member of the Bishopric.  We got a food order for at least a months worth of food and I picked it up recently.  

I found out about half of the money on the credit card is my wife's doing.  She is likely out of work for a month with no paid time off because she just had surgery.  We also pulled my daughter out of day care which will save us over $400 this month.  My sister in law is helping watch her now and helping with my wife since she cannot do much right now.

Edited by Fire_Guy

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Hey Fire Guy,

 

LDS Social Services typically offers marriage counseling, the Bishop will have the ward cover the cost if you can't. 

Stick to your guns, man. Divorce is all hype and after, no one is happier or better off for it. 

Occasionally, my wife and I will have our issues, we've even done the separation thing. It comes full circle, neither one of us want a divorce (I think we're both of the "I refuse" types), I appreciate the time apart in our separations as it allows me to get closer to God, it allows me to listen, not just hear what my wife's issues are with me, but allows me opportunity to empathize with her, make little changes here and there, because I want to be the husband she deserves. She's a fascinatingly delicate woman, even under the worst of circumstances, I'm mezmorized by her. 

 

 

 

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On 11/14/2016 at 11:28 PM, Fire_Guy said:

I then find out today that there is an about 18% interest rate credit card my wife has been secretly letting her sister use so she can go run around and play.  This is in addition to the $5,000 she has already borrowed from us that is being paid by her Mom I believe.  I think there is over $1,000 balance on this secret credit card now.  So, so frustrating that is to find this out.  I asked my wife to cancel that card but she refuses.  I hope the sister in law starts work soon.

Document everything.  Every little thing.  In excruciating detail.  Get account statements on every checking, savings, etc. account, including all types of loans.  Pull your credit report. Bundle copies of all this up with your notes and stash it with someone who doesn't associate with your wife.  If you can't afford or don't want a lawyer now, this will come in handy when you do decide to get one.

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On 11/15/2016 at 0:28 AM, Fire_Guy said:

No word back yet on if the sister in law got the job.  My wife is off work and in the hospital right now recovering from surgery. 

I then find out today that there is an about 18% interest rate credit card my wife has been secretly letting her sister use so she can go run around and play.  This is in addition to the $5,000 she has already borrowed from us that is being paid by her Mom I believe.  I think there is over $1,000 balance on this secret credit card now.  So, so frustrating that is to find this out.  I asked my wife to cancel that card but she refuses.  I hope the sister in law starts work soon.

I am thinking that your wife's desperate actions (like threatening to kill herself) is a by-product of guilt for her wrongdoings - especially hiding a credit card.  This is a very bad thing to do and for your marriage to survive this, you'll have you take steps to protect your household.  Clarkhoward.com has some tips on how to get a free credit report.  This, at least, will let you know if there are other "leaks" in your finances.  Your wife will need to understand this is unacceptable behavior and that it will need to stop.  Don't discuss this with her in anger.  But, you need to be firm.  Your sister-in-law would need to have the same discussion.  Not in anger, but firm.

I am big on helping out family but this requires mutual cooperation and respect.  This is a missing element in your situation.  Your wife and your sister-in-law has shown that they have no respect for you.  You need to demand it, otherwise, you'll need to remove your sister-in-law from your home even if it means your wife leaves with her.  Once that problem is resolved, then you can work on your marriage.  Having to fight for your marriage while your sister-in-law mucks it up is more complicated.

Just my 2 cents.

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I agree with you Anatess.  She probably is feeling guilt because hidden credit cards are a very bad thing.  You do not hide large amounts of money from your spouse in a healthy relationship.  She will not be happy when we discuss fun money in the future and how her fun money should go to paying off her credit card debt.

I talked with my Sister in law yesterday.  She is looking for work again as it looks as if she is not getting the job she interviewed for previously.

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January 2017 and she still has no job.  If she worked as hard at finding work as she does at playing she would have found something (even part time work in my opinion).

I have decided that I am going to get all debts that she has incurred out of my name that way I wil not be held liable for them.  Being responsible for paying about $4,000 of someone else's bills is not on my priority list.

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