I lied to my husband, now I want to tell the whole truth


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So, I sadly confess that I cheated on my husband with multiple guys over the span of 10 months. I have told him that I cheated, but told him it was with one guy and only one time. I went to my bishop and told him the same story. I got put on probation for 6 months. Now that I'm off probation, a guy has started emailing my husband telling him that I sent guys pictures of me and had intercourse with multiple guys. (Which I did). But I'm afraid to tell my husband the whole truth cause I know he will make me go tell the bishop to and I will be excommunicated. I need advice on how to approach this situation. What do I do??

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Emily - this isn't a "make me" thing - you need to go to your bishop and tell him everything.  

I don't know if you'll be excommunicated or not.  I don't know if you've destroyed your marriage or not.  But I do know this: these things you've done have hurt your soul.  The things you continue to do by lying, are poisoning your soul.  There is only one way out of this, that's to acknowledge the truth, turn towards Christ, and avail yourself of his redeeming sacrifice.  

There is something driving you to this behavior and the lying.  You need to figure out what that is so you can address whatever is motivating you here.  The best way to do that, is start with complete and total honest transparency with the right people.  That means, starting with your bishop.

Give the executive secretary a call today.  Tell him you need an hour or two with the bishop.  Tell him to make it the last appointment of the day, so you can go over if you need to.  Your Bishop will help you, even though you've lied to him already.

Edited by NeuroTypical
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48 minutes ago, emilydc said:

and I will be excommunicated.

Maybe you will be, and "if" that happens... it will be for your benefit.
Excommunication is viewed by the unrepentant as solely a punishment.
Excommunication is viewed by the repentant as a necessary step to get their lives back in order before Our Father in Heaven.

Your husband deserves to know the truth, a truth that you hid from him for your own gain, not his.
By not telling the truth the 1st go around, you most likely have compounded the problem now. By delaying and hiding the truth longer, you may very well compound it even further.

24 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Give the executive secretary a call today.  Tell him you need an hour or two with the bishop.  Tell him to make it the last appointment of the day, so you can go over if you need to.  Your Bishop will help you.

Agreed. "call today"
 

Edited by NeedleinA
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@emilydc You know what you need to do.  You are simply too afraid/selfish to do so.  You need to get over it.

Here are some possibilities you might face.

First Option... You do a complete and total confession and begin to repent.  Downsides it might cost you your marriage, and it might cost you your membership for awhile.  But you save your eternal soul and take advantage of the Atonement to be clean again.

Second Option... You continue to lie and get outted (as you fear might happen)  Instead of going before your husband and bishop with a broken heart you get dragged before them.  The odds of it costing you your marriage and your membership climb greatly and it take longer to dig out from under it (assuming you ever do)

Third Option... You don't confess and you don't get caught until facing Christ on judgement day.  He judges you fairly and justly.  Since you did not repent and take advantage of his atonement. The following happens: your sealing to your husband is broken because of your sins (your marriage ends permanently), you are cast into Hell where your membership in Christ kingdom ends...  In time Christ empties out Hell where you gain the Telestial Kingdom.

 

If you are going to be afraid/selfish... then at least do it with an eternal perspective rather then a very short-sighted mortal one.

 

Edited by estradling75
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50 minutes ago, emilydc said:

 My family and his family will judge me, but I know in the end the only one I need to please is the Lord!

Once your repentance is complete and the Lord remembers your sins no longer, they should likewise remember it no longer.   Repentance and forgiveness are tough things to do, but totally worth it.

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You can not bury this, it will get worse, not better as time goes on.  You have to face it for your own good and it won't be easy but it will be worth it.  Excommunication, if it happens, is a chance to start over from the beginning.  You get to be baptized again and washed clean of all of it.  Your Bishop will do what he can to help your marriage survive this, and it is possible to move from here to a place where your marriage is better than it ever was.  There is no chance for any kind of good outcome by trying to hide it, you just move the pain down the road and make it bigger at the same time.  Please set up a time to talk with your Bishop right now.

The steps of repenting are the same steps you will need to follow to repair your relationship with your marriage:

1. Recognize you have sinned (I think we have that covered)
2.  Sincere regret.  Your regret needs to be the same magnitude as the sin.  Regret is what makes the difference between a change of heart and a change of mind.  Your husband will need to see your regret when you confess and know it is real.  Freeing yourself of that pain of that regret should help motivate you to do all the rest.
3.  Full confession.  Your husband can't forgive you of something he doesn't know about, you need to make a full confession so he has what he needs to forgive all the things you did.
4.  Ask for forgiveness, beg for it.  Don't think it is something you deserve and don't give up seeking it.
5.  You need to make restitution, make up for what you did as best you can.  You've done things that can't be undone but make up for it as best you can, and help others not make the same mistake.
6.  Don't ever do it again.  Don't get anywhere close to feeling tempted to do it.  Figure out what in you or in your marriage helped make this happen and change things so you are.

With your Bishop's help you can find your way to having a change of heart so you become a person who would never do this again, then you can be cleansed of all this and it will feel wonderful.

 

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9 hours ago, emilydc said:

So, I sadly confess that I cheated on my husband with multiple guys over the span of 10 months. I have told him that I cheated, but told him it was with one guy and only one time. I went to my bishop and told him the same story. I got put on probation for 6 months. Now that I'm off probation, a guy has started emailing my husband telling him that I sent guys pictures of me and had intercourse with multiple guys. (Which I did). But I'm afraid to tell my husband the whole truth cause I know he will make me go tell the bishop to and I will be excommunicated. I need advice on how to approach this situation. What do I do??

I don't ever think there was a time I have ever been so grateful I am not a BISHOP other than right now. Boy, this is a tough case. The human man in me (I'm married) says oh no, nooooooooo, no way, nope, nope, nope. Uh-uh, not happening. The Holy Spirit says to me love the sinner, hate the sin.  So, I took some time to read Hosea again, thought to myself, wow, just wow. 

I have to admit, if I were Bishop, I'd be calling the stake president begging for him to tell me what to do about you, I'd be praying HUGE. I'd be praying for your poor husband's broken heart,  I'd be praying for you, for you to truly be repentant, to become a better wife, faithful and not so given to be selfish, that you would be a better mother (if you have kids) for when you cheat on your souse, you cheat on your children too. I would be praying for the spirit of your marriage of which is deeply wounded and in many ways destroyed.

I know heavenly father is a GOD OF RESTORATION AND RECONCILIATION. I also know you've got to be accountable too. I read your post over and over, lets just make sure you're sad and repentant because you regret doing what you've done and not just because you got caught. Ask yourself, had you not been caught, would you still be cheating?

Yes, this is a tough one, and totally NOT an isolated incident, sadly. 

God be with you.

Edited by Bad Karma
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16 hours ago, emilydc said:

Thank you all for your input. I know what I have done was horrible. I will tell my husband in a letter and will go see my bishop. My family and his family will judge me, but I know in the end the only one I need to please is the Lord!

Quite frankly, I don't buy that you really understand what you've done.  Tell your husband in a letter? IMO, that is pretty cowardly.

You have completely compounded your gross, gross sin.  You tell your husband it is with one guy one time, now it is multiple guys (i.e. more than one) and most likely multiple times.  What you have done to your husband is pretty crappy.  The fascinating thing about David and Bethsheba was that David wasn't so much condemned from God b/c he committed adultery, it is b/c he lied about it-tried to cover it up and then manipulated things so that her husband was killed.  Adultery is bad enough in itself-it is the most grievous sin except for murder. And you committed adultery multiple times with multiple men . . . the last thing you are to your husband is a wife.  So if he divorces you it only puts in writing what you are in effect-divorced.  B/c make no mistake by your actions, you are in deed (i.e. by action, and thought) already divorced from your husband.  As a husband, I have my limits-I would absolutely not divorce my wife for the 1st incident, but what you have done isn't just adultery it is something else and I would not be married to such an individual-maybe your husband is a better man than me.  For your sakes, I hope so.

Let that sink in for just a few minutes-what you did wasn't just "horrible" it was despicable and the only thing worse you can do in this life is to kill someone. That's it-nothing else you can ever do in this life will be a worse sin than the sin of adultery!  Not only that, but you didn't even fess up to the entirety of the sin-so not only have you not fully repented, but you have lied to ensure you don't have to fully repent.  The repentance process requires one to make a confession to those individuals whom we have damaged, in this case your husband, then to the Lord (and in this case his representative the Bishop).

Now whether or not you will be excommunicated or not, I don't know.  Whether your husband divorces you or not I don't know.  But you need to seriously understand what repentance is about if you are to have a hope of those two things not happening. 

Because right now, you aren't sorry for your sins-you are sorry you got caught.  And being sorry for getting caught is not repentance.  Repentance is a change of heart, mind, soul to the things of God.  And when you truly repent-you don't care what other people think-only God's opinion matters.  If necessary to repent you would shout your sins so the whole world would see-if that is what God required.

You are in some serious need of repentance . . ..how that change is effected in you, I don't know.  It might take excommunication and your husband leaving you for you to understand the gravity of the situation and for your heart to change to God.  It may not-whether or not it does depends on you and you not being afraid of your sins-not covering them up, but fully acknowledging them and doing whatever it is to change your heart, mind, soul to God.

May God be with you in this extremely tough time that you will have to go through to repent.

 

Edited by yjacket
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Dear Emily,

i feel for you. If you think that you can only tell your husband in a letter, do so. Do so now. There is a lot to be said for getting started. Phone or email the bishops secretary to make an appointment. 'Once begun is almost done'. Good luck on your journey. 

I have met a number of people in the church who have told me that they went through some sort of church discipline including excommunication. Some are very strong in the church now and vey happy. You can do this!

 

Edited by Sunday21
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3 hours ago, yjacket said:

 

yjacket, seriously, chill. This is wrong in so many ways. The woman has admitted (anonymously) to her actions and has come here seeking a path forward. Heaping coals on her head isn't helpful.

When the woman taken in adultery was dragged before Christ, she appeared not to have been willingly confessing. She wasn't there because her guilt drove her there, but because she was apparently dragged from her bed of adultery into a public place. Jesus first ignored, then shamed, her accusers, finally leaving only himself and her (and the rest of the crowd watching the drama unfold). At that point, Jesus did not rub her actions in her face. Quite the opposite: He said that he did not condemn her.

We are given a space for repentance, before the condemnation of God comes upon us. God does not immediately condemn us for our missteps, even something as serious as adultery. Instead, he allows us to figure things out and repent. I suspect I am as disgusted by this adulterous sin as you are, but coming out in accusing condemnation toward the woman who sinned is not the way to go. Remember who has the title of Accuser. That's not someone we want to emulate.

By the way, the idea that sex sin is the worst possible thing that anyone could ever do except for murder appears to be scripturally based solely upon a specific interpretation of the teachings of Alma (junior) to his son Corianton, found in Alma 39:2-5:

Quote

 2 For thou didst not give so much heed unto my words as did thy brother, among the people of the Zoramites. Now this is what I have against thee; thou didst go on unto boasting in thy strength and thy wisdom.

 3 And this is not all, my son. Thou didst do that which was grievous unto me; for thou didst forsake the ministry, and did go over into the land of Siron among the borders of the Lamanites, after the harlot Isabel.

 4 Yea, she did steal away the hearts of many; but this was no excuse for thee, my son. Thou shouldst have tended to the ministry wherewith thou wast entrusted.

 5 Know ye not, my son, that these things are an abomination in the sight of the Lord; yea, most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost?

But what are the actual antecedents to "these things"? In context, they are: (1) boasting in his own strength and wisdom; and, (2) forsaking his ministry by going after a harlot. In other words, his abominable actions were self-glorification and breaking his divine covenants of ministry.

Insofar as adultery (or fornication in general) is a breaking of covenant, then I certainly agree that it is most abominable. But the idea that non-marital sexual activity per se is the worst thing anyone can ever do besides murder another person is absurd on its face. I can think of any number of things more spiritually damaging and damning than an unmarried couple having sex with each other -- and so can you. Years-long neglect to the needs of a child, or ongoing nastiness and hatefulness toward him. Long-term physical abuse. Beating someone so badly that you cause permanent, severe disability. Actively working to undermine the legitimate government of a people. Openly rebelling against God and seeking to lead his children astray.

Anyway, believe what you like about that. But I think that your condemnation of the OP is over the top. I think that encouraging her to come clean and turn from her path of sin is a better option than explaining to her in gory detail how awful she is.

Edited by Vort
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19 hours ago, emilydc said:

 My family and his family will judge me.

You sinned... and you have to live with the consequences of that sin.  Part of those consequences are the reaction of your husband, his family and your family.

You are under command to repent.  They are under command to forgive.  And like you are finding, and like some posters here have stated, forgiveness of this kind of sin can be very hard.

If they can't forgive then then greater sin lies on them, per the scriptures. No matter how abominable yours was theirs will be greater in the eyes of the Lord if they do not forgive.

You will have no control over how long, if ever, forgiveness from them might come.  All you can do is repent thoroughly, completely, withholding nothing and then hand everything else over to the Lord

Edited by estradling75
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Guest MormonGator

While I obviously don't approve of what you did, I want you to know that God loves you right now. His love doesn't change when you break a commandment. You need to deal with the consequences and they aren't going to be good, but God loves you and all of us are praying for you right now. 

 

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2 hours ago, Vort said:

By the way, the idea that sex sin is the worst possible thing that anyone could ever do except for murder appears to be scripturally based solely upon a specific interpretation of the teachings of Alma (junior) to his son Corianton, found in Alma 39:2-5:

But what are the actual antecedents to "these things"? In context, they are: (1) boasting in his own strength and wisdom; and, (2) forsaking his ministry by going after a harlot. In other words, his abominable actions were self-glorification and breaking his divine covenants of ministry.

You are good man Vort, I mean that in all sincerity. 

 

2 hours ago, Vort said:

But the idea that non-marital sexual activity per se is the worst thing anyone can ever do besides murder another person is absurd on its face.

Agreed. 

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9 hours ago, Vort said:

By the way, the idea that sex sin is the worst possible thing that anyone could ever do except for murder appears to be scripturally based solely upon a specific interpretation of the teachings of Alma (junior) to his son Corianton, found in Alma 39:2-5:

But what are the actual antecedents to "these things"? In context, they are: (1) boasting in his own strength and wisdom; and, (2) forsaking his ministry by going after a harlot. In other words, his abominable actions were self-glorification and breaking his divine covenants of ministry.

 

Not buying it.  It`s an interpretation that the leaders of the church have endorsed many times and is reflected in church policy in a number of ways.  Our sexuality is the most god-like power we have been given in mortality.  The body is truly a sacred thing.  Sexual immorality is defiling the sacredness of our body and spirit.  There is a range of degrees of violation when it also involves breaking temple covenants that makes worse, and certainly rape is far worse than consentualy sinning. But still the only way to defile yourself more would be to murder. 

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30 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

But still the only way to defile yourself more would be to murder.

So you honestly believe that torturing a child and keeping him in a closet wallowing in his own filth until he's 16 years old is less sinful, less damaging to your soul, than fornicating with your girlfriend?

I have no response to such beliefs. Think whatever you want. I will let others judge whether the very idea is outrageous or merely absurd.

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16 minutes ago, Vort said:

So you honestly believe that torturing a child and keeping him in a closet wallowing in his own filth until he's 16 years old is less sinful, less damaging to your soul, than fornicating with your girlfriend?

I have no response to such beliefs. Think whatever you want. I will let others judge whether the very idea is outrageous or merely absurd.

Vort,

I know you're trying to make a point here, I am just not sure what it is. I understand Sex sin to be akin to Murder in sense of seriousness as well. Now I am not as well versed as you are as to this subject matter in the BOM. 

 

In this event, I've had to wrestle with my own thoughts and feelings about it, I am so thankful that I am not the bishop in the matter. I think that if I am ever called to be Bishop, my answer will be a loving yet resounding NO.

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On 1/17/2017 at 1:30 PM, emilydc said:

Thank you all for your input. I know what I have done was horrible. I will tell my husband in a letter and will go see my bishop. My family and his family will judge me, but I know in the end the only one I need to please is the Lord!

Yep, do what you said you will do. 

And yes, your families may judge you. Just be glad they get no say in your judgment with God.

 

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