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40 minutes ago, Mikee2735 said:

 I've tried to talk with her in a loving and respectful way but nothing changes.

Hence the recommendation of counseling.

40 minutes ago, Mikee2735 said:

So for everyone that commented that I'm insulting and treating her badly, this is so far beyond the truth. 

With all due respect Mike, we only see what you've posted here.  Adjectives you used here to describe your wife: lazy, slob, childish, embarassing, no listening, not caring.   Not just with single words, but also vivid descriptions.  Frankly, use of these words IS treating her badly.

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Guest MormonGator
13 minutes ago, Eowyn said:

So filter that out and consider the wealth of other advice. But also remember that as we think and speak, so we are... Even when we're just venting. Our thoughts and words have so much power.

Many of us have been married the better part of 20 years, or more, and learned these things the hard way. Be smart and learn from others' mistakes.

Not only that, but if you ask for advice, you need to accept that you may not like what you hear. It's hard. We also don't know your situation-we only know what you've said and to be honest with you, what you said could easily be taken as insulting to your wife. 


I actually agree with you-sometimes people ARE too harsh and severe on this site, but this wasn't one of those times. The anonymous nature of the forum makes it easier to preach and scream at people. If some people on here talked to me or their loved ones in person like they do on here (and every other internet forum) , I can assure you that they would have no friends in reality. None. 

Edited by MormonGator
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In addition to what has been said above, you may need to adopt a more realistic set of expectations on things and wiser priorities.  Is it really so important to have the laundry folded and put away that you would ruin a marriage over it?  If you expect your home to be some kind of show house 24/7 then you will never be happy with any woman, and if kids come along you will find things get even worse. 

Learn to tolerate some chaos and mess because it will ALWAYS be there to some degree, especially if you have kids.  It also is not her job to keep the house clean, it is both of your job and if something is out of place and it bugs you so much then you should take care of it without resentment.  If you can afford to hire somebody to do some housecleaning, consider doing that.  If she was not raised with good housekeeping skills, perhaps the RS could be of help in teaching her, or giving service is she has some medical condition like depression or whatever.

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Mike, you sound  very frustrated and I believe there is a lot of reason to be. What I can suggest is a very calm but serious conversation where you both discuss what is expected, such as who will be in charge of cleaning X, etc. If she fails to do what she agreed to do, please do not enable her. Give her a chance to do it, a gentle/loving reminder is due if she is in charge of the dishes (for example) and they keep piling up.

The only reason she doesn't bother to do anything is because she knows you will do it and perhaps you can't help it because you can't stand seeing the house dirty. If I didn't know better, I would think you are her dad (judging by the way you talk about her). She is clearly comfortable because she knows you will come and fix it for her.

Whatever you do, get professional help because I believe there are underlined issues that need to be addressed urgently. About having children now, in my view it is not a wise choice. Children do not solve problems in relationships. Please just focus on fixing all these issues first. All the best.

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When I was dating my wife we would visit her friends house, her friend was married with two children under the age of 5, their kitchen was loaded and stacked with dirty dishes everywhere, every time we stopped by I kept seeing those huge pile of dishes until one day something magical happened...the mountain of dishes became part of the decor. That was a good lesson for me because when we eventually got married and had kids we had the same decor.

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5 hours ago, Mikee2735 said:

Man the harshness on this site is rediculious. I don't speak to her in the way my post reads. As someone commented I was only venting. I'm just frustrated with the situation. I've asked her if we should hire a weekly maid service to come in and help and she says no because it's her job to up keep the house. I'm not an angry person nor do I take any personal or professional issues out on her. I've tried to talk with her in a loving and respectful way but nothing changes. So for everyone that commented that I'm insulting and treating her badly, this is so far beyond the truth. That is why I was asking for advice from others members of he church. Not to be judged but to be guided by those who have either experienced the same thing or have waaay more Marriage Time under there belts.

Im not LDS, but FWIW I've been married far longer than not, and all to same dear husband.

A couple of things, from my experience and so of course mine is not yours.

If I say hey babe, will you do,this, and he says yes, and then I turn around and do it myself, he gets his feelings hurt. He thinks I'm telling him he wasn't fast enough or good enough or whatever not enough, and yeah, over the years I've come to see this is passive aggressive behavior on my part. Don't be passive aggressive, k?

Second, when I first got married I was thrown for a loop.  Marriage was good, all lovie dovie, but man, I didn't know where to begin. It was kind of overwhelming and I cried my eyes out, secretly, when no one was looking.  I want unhappy, just didn't know what this new life was supposed to be like.Good news, that didn't last long, a few months and we had our married life, living the dream.

Third, house size and how much needs to get done has a lot to do with how lazy I may or may not appear to anyone.  If I think of all the things I need to do I might just lay on the couch all week and eat popcorn. Im saying, if something is too overwhelming, passive aggressive look-at-all-I-do just makes me feel all the more like sitting on the couch and eating popcorn.

So, good motivators for people like me.  A walk after work, with the dear husband, to get out of the house and yammer out the day's good and bad. A night out for dinner, and/or lunch out on a Saturday. The best though, is Saturday morning when he says, hey, how about we get X,Y,Z done and then go for hike up the canyon.  I just like doing stuff with him, and housework is not so bad when we are doing it together.

We've both worked full time, since forever, long before we both were married. If he ever had any idea I was going to work full time and come home to spend four to six hours of cooking and cleaning, he's been very disappointed for many years.  We do what we can and the house looks like crap some week nights, and then we clean it all up on Saturdays. Sometimes he cooks and sometimes I cook, we do dishes together, and always have. We don't have a cooking schedule, more of, hey, will you cook tonight I'm beat or other times one of us is home before the other and will just start cooking. We have always shopped together, or called at the end of the day to figure out who can stop at the store for last minute items. Sometimes we're both at the end of our energy and we have leftovers, or go out, or have a sandwich, but most of the time...we BBQ.  Less mess in the kitchen to clean!

 

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9 hours ago, Blueskye2 said:

Third, house size and how much needs to get done has a lot to do with how lazy I may or may not appear to anyone.  If I think of all the things I need to do I might just lay on the couch all week and eat popcorn. Im saying, if something is too overwhelming, passive aggressive look-at-all-I-do just makes me feel all the more like sitting on the couch and eating popcorn.

I need to introduce you to this magical thing called bonbons... :D

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15 hours ago, Mikee2735 said:

Man the harshness on this site is rediculious.

...

That is why I was asking for advice from others members of he church. Not to be judged but to be guided by those who have either experienced the same thing or have waaay more Marriage Time under there belts.

Actually, here's what you asked for: 

Quote

 

Any suggestions or comments are much appreciated

 

 

 

Mikee, defensiveness when you get suggestions and comments you don't want?  That says something you know...  Trying to point out some things you can work on with yourself that might help your marriage.  I know it isn't what you were expecting, but it is what you asked for...

Edited by NeuroTypical
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16 hours ago, Mikee2735 said:

Man the harshness on this site is rediculious. I don't speak to her in the way my post reads. As someone commented I was only venting. I'm just frustrated with the situation. I've asked her if we should hire a weekly maid service to come in and help and she says no because it's her job to up keep the house. I'm not an angry person nor do I take any personal or professional issues out on her. I've tried to talk with her in a loving and respectful way but nothing changes. So for everyone that commented that I'm insulting and treating her badly, this is so far beyond the truth. That is why I was asking for advice from others members of he church. Not to be judged but to be guided by those who have either experienced the same thing or have waaay more Marriage Time under there belts.

Think about your audience on this forum....you said something bad about your wife, you horrible monster...(tongue in cheek). I am sure your not a monster but just a normal guy trying to get along. Most men would not say the kinds of things you are being accused of to their wives and I am sure you would never say those things to her face either.  I would caution that if you have not verbally said those things to your wife the thoughts passing through your head can have an outward manifestation.  You need to be cautious with your thoughts and actions.   

Some good advice has been given here you need to sift it out of the personal attacks and accusations. 

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Mikee, also keep in mind that giving your wife advice on homemaking is difficult when she's not the one asking for it. If she posted here saying "Help, I'm homemaking-challenged and need advice and strategies", our advice would be different.

But you're here asking for advice on what to do about your wife, so we can only address you.

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On 2/13/2017 at 3:20 PM, Eowyn said:

A woman's divine role is to nurture. Because that generally happens in the home, and because the one who's home the most logically should see to the housekeeping, the woman is historically the housekeeper. The ones who is most available to keep house should do most of the housekeeping, and where there are children, they should absolutely share that responsibility (male and female). That doesn't mean it's the woman's role to be the housekeeper (unless she's the one that's home most often). Tradition says so... culture says so... but nothing else says so.

I agree with this 100%. With the way our work schedules play out, I end up having more time at home during the day on weekdays, so by default I end up doing more housework. I also do almost all of the cooking because my wife loves my cooking and I like to make her happy. She does what she can with the time that she has at home, but ultimately I'm usually the one doing things around the house, and I'm okay with that. Any time I need her to step in, she's happy to do so.

On 2/13/2017 at 6:12 PM, Mikee2735 said:

I don't speak to her in the way my post reads. As someone commented I was only venting.

Venting or no, the way you speak about the woman you love speaks volumes about yourself and the health of your marriage, especially when you're addressing complete strangers. I'll occasionally vent about my wife to close friends, because they know our marriage is very healthy overall and let's face it, we all need to vent sometimes. I know she vents about me to her friends too. It's cool. 

The idea of doing that in a setting such as this, however, has all kinds of red flags going up for me. We know nothing about you, your wife, or the overall state of your marriage. The first impression you gave us wasn't great, to say the least. When talking to strangers on the internet, I think it's generally a good policy to speak about the ones you love the same way you would speak to them, which is from a place of love. I didn't get much love from your post, just a lot of resentment and doubt. That concerns me, and I think it concerns several other people here as well. All of the responses you received came from a place of concern and compassion. It may not be what you wanted to hear, but I think you got the appropriate responses based on the tone of your post. If you disagree, then perhaps you should rethink the way you talk about the woman you married to people who don't know either her or you.

Edited by Godless
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23 hours ago, Mikee2735 said:

Man the harshness on this site is rediculious. I don't speak to her in the way my post reads. As someone commented I was only venting. I'm just frustrated with the situation. I've asked her if we should hire a weekly maid service to come in and help and she says no because it's her job to up keep the house. I'm not an angry person nor do I take any personal or professional issues out on her. I've tried to talk with her in a loving and respectful way but nothing changes. So for everyone that commented that I'm insulting and treating her badly, this is so far beyond the truth. That is why I was asking for advice from others members of he church. Not to be judged but to be guided by those who have either experienced the same thing or have waaay more Marriage Time under there belts.

Dont worry bro, you walked straight into a trap. You are complaining about a woman in a forum mostly occupied by women, what'd you expect?

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On 2/14/2017 at 6:05 PM, priesthoodpower said:

Dont worry bro, you walked straight into a trap. You are complaining about a woman in a forum mostly occupied by women, what'd you expect?

I find myself walking the fence on this one.  I'm not sure ^^ ^^ that's fair.  And at the same time, I'm not sure the women here are being fair either.  The truth is that we are only getting one side of the argument.  It may be accurate, it may be biased, it may be all made up.  If all made up, then shame on the OP.  If biased, we need some countering arguments and the ladies here are apparently up to the task.  If accurate, then they're being unfair to the OP.

Beside that, I believe several of the women had insightful comments and advice that certainly didn't attack him.

And I didn't really think this forum was made up mostly of women.  Is there a count of frequent visitors?  Even if we have such a count, I have difficulty telling whether someone is male or female on the forum.

Edited by Guest
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As several of the what appears to be very few men on this website have pointed out, it seems most the members who have at least commented on my post are females. Hence I probably will not and thus far have not gotten a fair shake of responses. I came onto this site and joined to get a non judgmental and un biased opinion from others as to what I needed to do to resolve the issues I am having with my wife. Members of the church are supposed to be non judgmental of others. But its pretty obvious some on this this site do not apply the same personal standards we are suppose to hold ourselves to in everyday life. Just a tidbit about what I have already said in my original post and comments thereafter,  I have spoken to her in an non rude or attacking manner several times in the past. I didn't come into this marriage with any pre conceived notions she was solely responsible for the maintenance and up keep of the home. I don't treat her badly as some would suggest. I clean after myself and her out of frustration that she wont help. And I have suggest marriage counseling which she does not want to participate in. Venting frustration is completely different than treating someone badly.  For those who believe I am this evil man who demeans his wife because she wont add to the help around the house, your are so far off base and wrong. But again it appears most of  those who have read and commented on my post are female majority so I wont get any positive or helpful feedback. Thank you for the time you invested in reading my post, but I think I will seek guidance where I wont be judged by a bunch of females who are going to take sides no matter what. 

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8 minutes ago, Mikee2735 said:

 I think I will seek guidance where I wont be judged by a bunch of females who are going to take sides no matter what. 

You are wrongly assuming that responses here have anything to do with the posters gender (either your OP or the repliers).  You should also not dismiss someone's response based on their gender.  

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17 minutes ago, Mikee2735 said:

I came onto this site and joined to get a non judgmental and un biased opinion from others as to what I needed to do to resolve the issues I am having with my wife.

 

Well Mikee, if we weren't judging and having a bias, then there would be no opinion.  You didn't want non-judgmental, you wanted to be judged favorably.  You didn't want unbiased, you wanted us to be biased in your favor.  You were expecting a bunch of "oh-you-poor-guy, your-wife-sounds-so-hard-to-live-with-here-are-some-things-you-can-do-to-change-her" type responses.  Not getting what you wanted, you became insulting, and now downright sexist.

Mike, from one guy to another, no really, you've got some maturing to do, some hard realities to face.  No matter what's up with your wife, you need to focus on your pile of crap.  (I have a pile of crap too that I need to focus on.)

17 minutes ago, Mikee2735 said:

Thank you for the time you invested in reading my post, but I think I will seek guidance where I wont be judged by a bunch of females who are going to take sides no matter what. 

Yep, those darn fe-males.  You'd think they would know their place by now and would have kept out of a thread that doesn't concern them.  

 

Edited by NeuroTypical
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4 hours ago, Mikee2735 said:

 But again it appears most of  those who have read and commented on my post are female majority so I wont get any positive or helpful feedback.

Is this how you really feel about females? I supported your position Mike and I could see you were frustrated but your sexist remark isn't appreciated, that's where the irony lies.

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5 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

 

Well Mikee, if we weren't judging and having a bias, then there would be no opinion.  You didn't want non-judgmental, you wanted to be judged favorably.  You didn't want unbiased, you wanted us to be biased in your favor.  You were expecting a bunch of "oh-you-poor-guy, your-wife-sounds-so-hard-to-live-with-here-are-some-things-you-can-do-to-change-her" type responses.  Not getting what you wanted, you became insulting, and now downright sexist.

Mike, from one guy to another, grow the heck up.  You're acting like a spoiled boy who wants to go blame the girls for his problems.

Yep, those darn fe-males.  You'd think they would know their place by now and would have kept out of a thread that doesn't concern them.  

Note: @NeuroTypical is a dude.

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Guest Godless

Apparently the fact that the dudes and the women here seem to be in some form of general agreement means diddly squat. You asked for advice, you got it. We gave the best advice we could based in the information you gave us (and the tone you delivered it in, that's very important). If you think we misjudged you, perhaps you should take a different approach when talking about your wife. 

And FWIW, I don't think anyone here of any gender thinks you're some kind of evil monster. You got some very constructive, compassionate responses here. Don't dismiss it simply because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. And to dismiss it because of gender ratio is just silly. Personally, I think a woman's insight would be far more valuable in this situation anyway.

Edited by Godless
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I did some analysis and found the following:

  1. 9 known males replied
  2. 9 known females replied
  3. 3 gender-unknowns replied
  4. The vast majority agreed that the wife should be doing her fair share of the housework
  5. A relatively small number thought the OP should reconsider the language he uses to describe his wife
  6. Plenty of useful advice was given
  7. Most importantly: Robert Oster is my new best friend and I really like Blue Denim - it shades and sheens, even out of  an EF nib.  I need a bottle. :wub:
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36 minutes ago, zil said:

I did some analysis and found the following:

  1. 9 known males replied
  2. 9 known females replied
  3. 3 gender-unknowns replied
  4. The vast majority agreed that the wife should be doing her fair share of the housework
  5. A relatively small number thought the OP should reconsider the language he uses to describe his wife
  6. Plenty of useful advice was given
  7. Most importantly: Robert Oster is my new best friend and I really like Blue Denim - it shades and sheens, even out of  an EF nib.  I need a bottle. :wub:

I didn't reply, but if I had, I wonder how I would have been counted.

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