Somewhat frustrated with the culture of marrying super young.

[my two cents]

@A&A - wow and Happy Anniversary to you and your wife!

Edited February 14, 2017 by my two cents

[yjacket]

On 2/13/2017 at 9:13 AM, CynicalBlueJay said:

Hi, all!  I just kind of need to vent a little bit, and possibly get some advice.  I've been home from my mission about two and a half years now, and I'm really starting to get tired of all the pressure to get married.  Don't get me wrong, I do want to be sealed in the temple eventually, but I feel like I don't want that to happen for a few more years.  Currently, I am 23 years old, and will be turning 24 in June.  I find myself not really agreeing with the whole "if you're not married by 25 you are a menace to society".  Honestly, I don't want to get married until I am at least 30 years old.  I just want to graduate and begin pursuing a career because I am passionate about it, not because I have to support a family.  Somewhere in that time, if I happen to meet someone that I really like, and decide I want to marry them(assuming they feel the same), I'll get married.  I really just don't like the culture of dating like crazy and marrying the first person you feel that you could stand being with the rest of your life.  To be honest, there just seems something wrong with that whole way of thinking.  On the other hand, I find it frustrating because I know people will say that "If that is how you feel, do it.", but because everyone else is getting married so young, I feel like by the time I feel like I am ready to pursue a marriage, It'll be completely hopeless for me.  Therefore, I am conflicted in my feelings.  Has anyone ever had a similar experience, or feelings about this whole thing?  Thanks!

Well, I believe the quote was 27 vs 25.  The fact is God commanded us to be fruitful and multiple and that can only occur within the bounds of marriage. The side of the equation that you are not looking at is kids-once a woman hits 35 pregnancy become high-risk. If you marry by the time you are 30 (and you wife is 30), you'll be lucky to have 2 kids.  Kids are meant for the young, not for the old-you can do it but raising a toddler at age 45 is vastly different than raising a toddler at age 25.

And I guarantee you nobody on their death bed said "boy I wish I'd had less kids".  If fact, it is my opinion that the greatest work I will ever do in this life, the greatest contribution I can ever have in this life is to raise the next generation in righteousness.  I consider myself a good citizen and if I can raise double the amount of good citizens it means the next generation will be more Christlike than the current.

A career and job is what you do to provide for a family-it exists so the family can survive.  Thinking that a career comes 1st, then the family is backwards and against all the teachings of the scriptures and prophets.

Food for thought, the US right now is below the re-population rate of 2.1 births per woman (it's at ~1.9), i.e. as a society the US is literally dying off. I've done my job to keep it above 2.1 (I wish I could have done more, but such is life).

It is a demographic winter (thank you femin-nazis!!), honestly people don't realize as a whole how bad this will actually be in a couple of decades. Think Russia, Japan, etc. 

We have really done a number on the rising generation about teaching and emphasizing career, work, material goods more than family . . .

And agree on being "totaling ready for marriage" that is a complete myth.  You are never ready and will never be totally ready.  You can't fully understand what it means to be a husband/wife and the role you need to play until you are one. The only thing you can do is look at role-models of successful marriages (i.e. ones that have been married for decades) and try and emulate what they do.

Edited February 14, 2017 by yjacket

[Guest MormonGator]

4 hours ago, askandanswer said:

 

Today is our 28^th wedding anniversary.

 

Congrats my friend! God bless you and your wife!

[askandanswer]

4 hours ago, my two cents said:

@A&A - wow and Happy Anniversary to you and your wife!

 

50 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Congrats my friend! God bless you and your wife!

Thank you

[Ironhold]

On 2/13/2017 at 5:06 PM, DoctorLemon said:

I am a little conflicted here.  On one hand, I want to tell OP to relax, that he is only 23, and that marriage has a way of finding many (but not all) people naturally when they follow the gospel, and that the "menace to society" quote was for a different time (and was probably hyperbole).  I also want to tell him that his dating life is no one else's business, and people shouldn't be prodding.

On the other hand, I think there is some truth to the fact that there are consequences for delaying dating and marriage.  I knew several guys back when I was in the singles ward who were turning 30 and who refused to date or make any efforts towards marriage, despite many opportunities (these guys were apparently, fairly, um... desirable).  Many of them believed they would get around to it "someday".  These guys are now in their mid 40s, and I have noticed that most of them are still single.  I am not judging their choices, and it is none of my business what they do with their lives, but one can see that while these brothers may yet marry, experiencing fatherhood (which is one of the most important things we can do in this life) is realistically probably not in the cards for them at this point.  Kind of tragic, when you think about it, especially considering how few good priesthood holders there are in the world.  I don't know if these guys just got too comfortable and set in their ways by being single, or what... but because so many of these guys never married, perhaps there is some truth to the idea that if you put off marriage too long, it slowly gets harder and harder to find a wife after you hit 30 or so.

So, perhaps some good advice lies somewhere in between.  It is not death to be single at 23.  However, keep an open mind about marriage, always be doing something to further your search for a good spouse (that means going on dates here and there, at least), and certainly don't resist marriage if it comes your way.  Marriage (and fatherhood) is a wonderful blessing, and is totally worth making sacrifices to obtain.

As someone who's single at 33? 

Few Mormon women in the area will give me a second glance because I never went on a mission. They don't care why (I stayed back to help with a terminally ill relative). They just presume that something was wrong with me that I never went.

Few non-Mormon women in the area will give me a second glance because I can't make it rain. I'm in a feast-or-famine profession where my pay is a mix of hourly and piece-rate, so there are months where I just barely cover my bills. Since I can barely afford the local dating scene, let alone be the sugar daddy so many are after, I'm not worth a second glance. 

Yeah. 

[Guest MormonGator]

22 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

As someone who's single at 33? 

Few Mormon women in the area will give me a second glance because I never went on a mission. They don't care why (I stayed back to help with a terminally ill relative). They just presume that something was wrong with me that I never went.

Few non-Mormon women in the area will give me a second glance because I can't make it rain. I'm in a feast-or-famine profession where my pay is a mix of hourly and piece-rate, so there are months where I just barely cover my bills. Since I can barely afford the local dating scene, let alone be the sugar daddy so many are after, I'm not worth a second glance. 

Yeah. 

Heartbreaking response. 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this bro. I really do wish sometimes I had a wand that would fix all the problems in the world. 

[Guest]

 

35 minutes ago, Ironhold said:

As someone who's single at 33? 

Few Mormon women in the area will give me a second glance because I never went on a mission. They don't care why (I stayed back to help with a terminally ill relative). They just presume that something was wrong with me that I never went.

Few non-Mormon women in the area will give me a second glance because I can't make it rain. I'm in a feast-or-famine profession where my pay is a mix of hourly and piece-rate, so there are months where I just barely cover my bills. Since I can barely afford the local dating scene, let alone be the sugar daddy so many are after, I'm not worth a second glance. 

Yeah. 

I remember discussing your situation on another thread, and I hope you did not take offense to my above comments.  I got the impression in the other thread that, in your case, you have just had a run of really rotten luck by being around women who have some really messed up priorities in what they want in a husband.  Like I said, some people have trouble finding a spouse through absolutely no fault of their own, and it is a pretty tough thing to have to go through.  

No, the guys I am referring to are guys who basically had multiple women chasing them, yet willfully refused to date or give any of these women the time of day.  I think that consciously fleeing maritial responsibility is very different than having some rotten circumstances and not really getting a chance.  I think consciously fleeing responsibilities could eventually result in a loss of desire to get married at all.  However, this is not your situation.  I understand you very much want to get married and have not had a good shot yet, which is very different.  Hang in there, stay faithful and keep going, and I believe the Lord will bless you with a wonderful spouse in His time.

Edited February 15, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Bini]

There's no magical age but if you're feeling conflicted, that's a pretty strong sign that you ought to wait and only tie the knot when you feel in your gut that you're ready. I married as a teen and from my own experience, I would not recommend it, I think one has a lot of growing up and maturing to do. I might even say the same thing about 20-something year olds

[Suzie]

4 hours ago, Bini said:

There's no magical age but if you're feeling conflicted, that's a pretty strong sign that you ought to wait and only tie the knot when you feel in your gut that you're ready. I married as a teen and from my own experience, I would not recommend it, I think one has a lot of growing up and maturing to do. I might even say the same thing about 20-something year olds

Bini!!!

[Bini]

1 minute ago, Suzie said:

Bini!!!

Hi, Suzie!

[Suzie]

@Bini Great to see you here!

[Bini]

3 minutes ago, Suzie said:

@Bini Great to see you here!

Thank you. It's nice to be back and check things out!

[prisonchaplain]

I have no specific advice to any individual, but American society, imho, is marrying too late. We are not maintaining our population, and are only coming close because of a constant flow of immigration. Economies need growing populations to grow. To increase is a God-created drive in human persons.  Marriage started inching later and later once divorce became wide-spread, and the children of them hoped that maturity would help them avoid the same mistakes. Now that many are waiting until their 30s, and still have little idea how to go about marriage relationships, maybe it's time to reconsider. HOWEVER, rather than just pushing an extremely young marriage age (I honestly thought the OP had the upper teens in mind...LOL), perhaps faith communities need to start teaching relationships during the early to mid-teens.  Additionally, it would be good of the older men and women would mentor our young. It may be that the boys (many of whom lack adult men in their lives) need this more than the gals. 

[Just_A_Guy]

1 hour ago, Bini said:

Thank you. It's nice to be back and check things out!

Yes, great to see you back!

[Maureen]

Yes, welcome back @Bini.

M.

[Traveler]

On ‎2‎/‎13‎/‎2017 at 7:13 AM, CynicalBlueJay said:

, I am conflicted in my feelings.  Has anyone ever had a similar experience, or feelings about this whole thing?  Thanks!

 

I was 27 when I married.  I grew up in Provo, attended BYU, served a mission and served in the military (Army – Vietnam era) all before I was married.  I believe in living life.  I was a completive skier and cycler (still an avid skier and cyclists) and have a couple of metals but I am also a math and physics nerd and short 5’8”.

I was a menace to society and dated a lot (I especially loved 1st dates because you could have a ton of fun without major or much of any commitment) but would break a date to go hunting, skiing or cycling.  For me the problem was not finding someone to marry it was trying to determine which of several to eliminate.  To be honest I realized being single was problematic for many reasons you have not addressed.  Single wards are great – but only for social animals.  I am social but like private time for myself.  I found the social atmosphere of single wards (BYU) next to trivial and meaningless but never-the-less fun.  I realized and knew being single was fun but not much of a challenge – being single is way too easy.

I had two standards jokes for not being married and older.  #1.  My EC (eternal companion) was killed in the war in heaven.  #2.  I have definite plans to get married on the first or second – the first chance I get or the second I have two.  Few ladies see the humor in the second joke.

My advice to you is to diligently seek and look for an eternal companion.  An eternal companion is someone that you can partner with for eternity.  Do everything that you should be doing – including being virtuous and praying for help in finding a companion.  Do not expect G-d to find you a companion but determine to do this yourself.  I would advise that finding a companion is more important than getting an education or a lifelong profession.   This is not to say such things are not important – just not as important.  Take your time to prepare yourself to be the perfect companion for every lady you meet and date; you will need such preparation more for marriage than for your profession.  Even though picking the perfect profession and other such things are important it not near as important as being the perfect companion – it is easier and a lot funner to teach someone else how to be the perfect companion if you already are than it is to be taught to be the perfect companion by someone that is – I had to learn this lesson after I was married.

I wish you well – I am convinced that there is nothing in this life more important than finding an eternal companion.  I own my own business (automation, robotics and artificial intelligence consultant) and married for 43 years – 5 children – 16 grandchildren.  The most important decision I made was who I married.  I must also admit in all things she has done better than me.  We married 6 months after our first date – I did everything I could to delay and postpone – and that was one of my life’s biggest mistakes.  I should have been better prepared for her!

Life has a way of taking you places beyond your plans and praparations.

 

The Traveler

Edited February 16, 2017 by Traveler

[Anddenex]

On 2/13/2017 at 1:40 PM, Suzie said:

Perfectly reasonable to me.

 

Suzie! The "black sheep" has returned.

[Anddenex]

Before I served a mission I had determined that I wouldn't get married until after I had completed college. As I served my mission the love I had for God and his son increased. My knowledge of prophets and apostles and their specific calling increased. Elder Richard G. Scott visited our mission and spoke at one of our zone conferences. In the middle of his thoughts, he stopped, and said, "I don't know why the Spirit wants me to say a few things about marriage while you are on a mission, but he does." (that is a paraphrase because I don't recall his exact wording). He then proceeded to share a few things that changed my mind. He even provided a goal.

My thoughts changed. I was married at 23 (I didn't meet Elder Scott's goal, but it lead me to one of the most vivid revelations I have received that made me very aware of God's love toward me and his acknowledgement of my desires) , my lovely wife was 19. We have been happily married for almost 18 years. Was life always easy? No. Was life always hard? No. Was life always rewarding? No. Was life without reward? No. I was 24 when our first child was born and we had two children before I graduated from college. In order to put her through school and myself I worked 55-60 hour work weeks (full-time job and part-time graveyard shift, so life wasn't easy, but was worth it).

If we wait for marriage until we are more "mature", more "ready", then you will never get married. No one can be fully ready for such tasks, as the decision requires daily effort. It is similar to people who say, "We will have kids when we are ready." Whatever that means.

The Lord provided Abraham with these words, "And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;" and this is a question we will all be accountable for. I like the wars in Alma also where we are told that the Lord would tell the Nephites when to fight or when to run. If we are truly seeking the Lord in our life and to do his will, things will happen when they need to happen. A good talk to read, "Cast not therefore thy confidence away" by Elder Holland. I recommend his words.

Edited February 17, 2017 by Anddenex

[Guest]

If you don't like the idea of marrying young, don't marry young... but don't date girls who are hoping for marriage. Have some integrity.

[Backroads]

49 minutes ago, Eowyn said:

If you don't like the idea of marrying young, don't marry young... but don't date girls who are hoping for marriage. Have some integrity.

Ah, but there lies the rub. In Mormon culture, most girls dating are looking for marriage.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Backroads said:

Ah, but there lies the rub. In Mormon culture, most girls dating are looking for marriage.

Yep. So get on board or leave the girls alone, I say, after seeing my nieces led on by man-children who at almost 30 years old aren't "ready" for marriage (but want a perpetual girlfriend). 

I don't get it.

[kapikui]

On 2/13/2017 at 0:04 PM, Jsmith85 said:

well that works if you are male - females however are not supposed to be retraining men - it's not very submissive of us.

Yet most wives tend to spend a considerable amount of time trying to train or "fix" their husbands. 

[Traveler]

12 hours ago, Eowyn said:

If you don't like the idea of marrying young, don't marry young... but don't date girls who are hoping for marriage. Have some integrity.

 

This is like saying don’t ever scratch where it itches.

 

The Traveler

[Traveler]

11 hours ago, Eowyn said:

Yep. So get on board or leave the girls alone, I say, after seeing my nieces led on by man-children who at almost 30 years old aren't "ready" for marriage (but want a perpetual girlfriend). 

I don't get it.

 

Tell your nieces to talk about the here after on the first date.  They can say something like this – If you are not here after what I am here after – you will be here after I’m gone.

 

The Traveler

Edited February 17, 2017 by Traveler

[Traveler]

8 hours ago, kapikui said:

Yet most wives tend to spend a considerable amount of time trying to train or "fix" their husbands. 

 

That is because we husbands don’t get pregnant and give birth.  It is the natural course of pregnancy for women to fix themselves from being a lover to a mother.   The only incentive for a man to become a father is when his lover becomes a mother and demands it.

 

The Traveler