I need some help and cheering


Dustin01
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Hi everyone, first post on the forums here, but I need some help and encouragement. But let me explain a bit first. 

I just turned 27 years old and feel like I haven't accomplished much in my life. I feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like my issues really started right after my mission. 

I started having a problem with pornography when I was 13 or 14 thereabouts. Its been a constant spectre and returning issue throughout my junior high and highschool years and leading up to my mission. I was successfully able to serve a mission and did well until around my last year. I got a companion who literally decided they weren't going to talk to me, basically I was alone. This drove me mad, I fell apart and fell "inwards" on myself. I relapsed and confessed to my Mission President who moved me to a new area where I could see a councilor. I was put on an anti-depressant and was able to serve the rest of my mission. Months later I return home and things are fine, I went to the Temple once for an endowment session. Shortly after I relapsed, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself so much. I was so angry. 

Then my Sister announced she was getting married. I knew I would be expected to go to her Sealing ceremony and I really wanted to go. I went and talked with my Bishop about my ongoing issues. He told me if I could go a month with a relapse leading up to my sisters Wedding I could get a temple recommend and go to her Sealing.....I had a relapse a day or two before the wedding. I plunged into a deep self-loathing depression and hate for myself. My mom was devastated I wouldn't be going to the sealing.....

By the way, I have never come out and told my parents about my past or present issues regarding pornography, I feel too ashamed to, always have. I think they suspect but they haven't ever confronted me directly about it either. 

Anyway, after hating myself for so long I decided to finally let go of the hate and caring so much about this issue in my life. I found myself to be much happier that way then anything. And for the last several years that's how i've coped and lived. 

 

My question is, and fear. I feel as if I go to my Bishop and confess and start the repentance on this issue all over again, and relapse, I will descend again into utter hatred and loathing for myself and end up at square one again. I also don't know if even if I am pronounced clean enough to go into a Temple if I will EVER feel comfortable in those places again. I live near one and every time I drive near a Temple I feel like I don't belong there, at all, and never will. Sure I can attribute this to "the devil" telling me this. But even if I repent and am "clean" I feel like I will never feel clean in a Temple. I feel like all I will think about upon entering a Temple is how I shouldn't be there. I don't know what to do anymore. Im angry and frustrated. I still go to church regularly, I still believe in the gospel, but I don't believe that I will ever feel up to snuff to really live it ever again. 

Anyway, I feel like I will be rambling if I continue anymore. I needed to get this out somewhere where people can understand a bit of where I am coming from and what you would suggest. Thanks in advance. 

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@Dustin01, welcome to the forums!  I'm glad you decided to join us.

As you already know, all that self-hatred and doubt is indeed coming from Satan, who will do whatever he can to keep you from repenting.

God, on the other hand, and our Savior want you to remember that you are a beloved child of God, our brother, who we all want to be happy. :)  Repentance is part of being happy (paradoxical as that may sometimes seem).

Go see the bishop - one of the hardest things to do is go back after repeating the same sin, but I would venture to say "repeat" is the norm, not the exception.  Either way, the best possible outcome is for you to repent.  And one sure sign of a sincere and humble person is if they can bring themselves to re-repent - and the sooner, the better.

As for never feeling like you belong in the temple - after sincere and complete repentance, that won't be the case - you'll belong there, and you'll know you belong there.  Both repentance and our temple experiences are designed to bring us back to God, which is where we belong, so come back to the path that will lead you to where you belong. :)  As part of your repentance, I recommend that every prayer include a request for strength to overcome - even if you have to repeat that request multiple times per day, for years.  Eventually, the shame or embarrassment will go as you feel the Lord changing you (which is what happens with true repentance).

Delay only makes it harder, so don't delay, start now - send a text or email to get the appointment.  I would recommend some counseling too (especially if your bishop isn't able to do this for you).  It would seem that when negative things happen, this sin has become your way to relieve the pressure of those negative things.  You need to learn to better recognize when the negative things happen, that the temptation will soon follow, and how to replace the sin with another form of release, or how to avoid feeling the negative pressures in the first place.  None of that is easy to do all alone, so seek help.

And you have friends here, who want to help you however we can.

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Hi, Dustin!

It sounds to me like you have a problem potentially bigger than the pornography: you are feeling overwhelming shame.  Guilt can be good insofar as it motivates us to repent, but shame, when gone awry, can be used by Satan to push us back towards our bad habits and away from repentance.  So far, shame has destroyed your self esteem and helped propel you towards a multi-year pornography habit.  What is more, your statements about never feeling worthy to be in the temple again show that your shame has really blown this issue out of proportion.  Keep some perspective here.  You acquired a pornography habit, not a terrorism habit!

You need to go to your bishop and finish the repentance process.  The second you talk to the bishop, you become worthy for the Celestial Kingdom, even though you may have to afterward go without a temple recommend for a bit.  Don't be embarrassed to go to your bishop.  He is a normal guy who just wants to see you succeed, just like the people you will find on this forum.  Also don't be afraid of relapse.  It happens when recovering from pornography, and everyone who knows anything about pornography knows that some relapses are a part of recovery.  If it happens, so what?  You go back to the bishop, you become Celestial worthy when you talk with him, and you may be unable to take the sacrament for a couple of weeks.  What's the big deal?  The point is, your recovery continues, and that is what is important.

I can't think of a better time than now to repent.  You are old enough you don't have to get your parents involved, and you don't have a wife who will be saddened by confessing pornography.  Get rid of the problem now, while you are young and single.  Don't drag this into your future temple marriage.  It is time for a new beginning for you - you sound like you need one!  Go forth and repent, and your future will be happier than you can ever imagine.

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4 hours ago, Dustin01 said:

My question is, and fear. I feel as if I go to my Bishop and confess and start the repentance on this issue all over again, and relapse, I will descend again into utter hatred and loathing for myself and end up at square one again. I also don't know if even if I am pronounced clean enough to go into a Temple if I will EVER feel comfortable in those places again. I live near one and every time I drive near a Temple I feel like I don't belong there, at all, and never will. Sure I can attribute this to "the devil" telling me this. But even if I repent and am "clean" I feel like I will never feel clean in a Temple. I feel like all I will think about upon entering a Temple is how I shouldn't be there. I don't know what to do anymore. Im angry and frustrated. I still go to church regularly, I still believe in the gospel, but I don't believe that I will ever feel up to snuff to really live it ever again. 

Dustin - That's the thing about major sins in our life. We will never feel worthy, and we really are not but IT'S the HOLY SPIRT in us that makes us clean and worthy again.  the devil is wily and knows your weak points. He's going to tell you that you are not worthy and never will be because he wants to keep you in his camp. He doesn't want you to get right with Heavenly Father. 

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I have a friend who had this problem, he decided to go without the internet. Maybe not a option because of work? 

So maybe put some type of blocker on the internet designed for children?

pictures of The Savior everywhere in your home? Go to 'images savior' print out on photocopier? 

THIs is what I do for dieting/get to the gym, pray for help to go to gym, morning/night. 

What you have is a bad habit. What has worked for you in the past re:bad habits?

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For starters: *big hugs*.  Yes you CAN become clean of this, once and for all.

How to become clean: obviously starting with repentance and going to your bishop (I admire you for the immense courage you've had in going to him before).  Need to get clean and stay clean. The staying clean is going to be a long battle for many years, particularly when you're down and depressed.  You need to reformat your brain: to learn better coping mechanism when you're down (this reformatting is part of the re-birth of repentance).  The old habits need to be replaced by healthy outlets.  To help learning these patterns, I would suggest joining a pornography addiction recovery group and/or getting individual counseling (which will also really help with the depression).  I myself struggled with depression for decades, and finally going to counseling made a world of difference for me-- helping me discover the tools and right way to do what I had been trying (and failing) to figure out on my own.

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1 hour ago, Sunday21 said:

I have a friend who had this problem, he decided to go without the internet. Maybe not a option because of work? 

So maybe put some type of blocker on the internet designed for children?

pictures of The Savior everywhere in your home? Go to 'images savior' print out on photocopier? 

THIs is what I do for dieting/get to the gym, pray for help to go to gym, morning/night. 

What you have is a bad habit. What has worked for you in the past re:bad habits?

Good advice but these are all stop gaps, if the OP is addicted and I am not sure that he is, he needs to seek professional help, yes see your bishop and start the repentance process, but also spend some money and try to figure out what void in your life you are trying to fill by watching pornography. Only then will you begin to heal and overcome this trial.  

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1 hour ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Good advice but these are all stop gaps, if the OP is addicted and I am not sure that he is, he needs to seek professional help, yes see your bishop and start the repentance process, but also spend some money and try to figure out what void in your life you are trying to fill by watching pornography. Only then will you begin to heal and overcome this trial.  

Well....Yes...I can see the merit in what you say...but,

i suspect that the reason, the op is performing the behaviour is that the behaviour feels good, like overeating.

the underlying cause vs change the behaviour debate is similar to the classic therapy debate. Namely you have a behaviour that want to change, so do you:

1) go for psychoanalysis, which might include years of therapy or

2) go for what used to be called behavioural therapy (and still could be for all I know) and change the behaviour.

i am referencing a decades old degree in psychology here but the conclusion decades ago was go for behavioural therapy and change the behavior. Not claiming to be an expert here and yeah, I am mega out of date but, you can spend your whole life in therapy and never get to the root of the problem, and that's assuming you ever find the problem in the first place.

What about this appproach? Change the behaviour, which lets the Holy Ghost speak to you and start from there even if it means wearing mittens to bed! Just a thought.

anyway, here is a giggle from behavioural psychology

 

Edited by Sunday21
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4 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

I have a friend who had this problem, he decided to go without the internet. Maybe not a option because of work? 

So maybe put some type of blocker on the internet designed for children?

pictures of The Savior everywhere in your home? Go to 'images savior' print out on photocopier? 

THIs is what I do for dieting/get to the gym, pray for help to go to gym, morning/night. 

What you have is a bad habit. What has worked for you in the past re:bad habits?

The only place I look at it is on my Phone......hasn't been on a PC in years and years. Honestly if I had a monitor or something for the phone I wouldn't feel like i could look at it there either. I know of some programs. Just of no one I can trust enough to do it with me. I mean I guess the bishop could but still. 

Thanks all of you for your thoughts and encouragement. It really helps alot and I got some laughs out of it. Gives me plenty to think about. 

I read the thing about sexual topics here, and I won't start into that. The only thing I will say is I became "sexually aware" of myself at age 5 or 6.....I told one of my bishops that and they were flabergasted. 

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I think there is a custom in the LDS church (meaning it isn't doctrine) of placing too much emphasis on Pornography as a sin.  As a sin, I don't think it is as great of a sin as many think it is.  Divorce, Adultery and other sins of that nature, Grand Theft, Apostasy, Felonies, abuse of spouse or children, and other sins are FAR greater than that of pornography. 

That doesn't mean you should toss it aside, but it means that sometimes we get so preoccupied with a sin, that we lose focus on how big or little it really is in the whole perspective of life.  In the New Testament the Lord mentions what we equate with Pornography as a problem with the Higher law, however, he equates Divorce as a problem with the basic ten commandments (unless you divorce for the cause of fornication/adultery you may be causing your spouse to cause adultery, which is FAR greater of a problem than simply gazing upon a woman and having adultery in your heart).

I think not worrying as much about it is perhaps a good thing, as you have been doing over the years, but as you seem to indicate, it hasn't solved the problem.

In that light, I would equate pornography very similarly to other addictions such as smoking, or in some cases, crack or heroin.  Some of these can be VERY hard to break out of the addiction from.  In some ways they are far easier to get away from than pornography.  For starters, these other addictions cost money, where as pornography can be found nearly everywhere and for free.

However, it should be noted, addictions do not necessarily deprive you of your salvation.  We are not to judge others in this degree, but we are too try to help them.  In that light, why do you think you have this problem?

The Bishop is not to condemn you for a pornography habit, and any Bishop who does, is probably not doing such a hot job of helping others.  They are to try to help you overcome your addictions and problems.  In the same way that someone who was a smoker, or alcoholic, or otherwise having a problem, he should also probably try to help you overcome your difficulties.  The first thing they probably will suggest is for you to attend a class that most stakes have ongoing these days, which is there to help people with addiction (and not necessarily just pornography addiction, but addictions of all kinds).

Is it due to your proximity with the internet?  If it is not needed, you could always simply cut the cord.  I think someone suggested that above.  However, life hates a void...so you might also want to replace it with something else.  Take up a hobby such as gardening, or building things. The more you think of it as a problem, the more of a problem it actually is.  The more you focus on it, the more temptation will strive to hit you on it. 

The biggest thing for you to remember, is that you are a Child of God.  You are special to him.  Furthermore, as it sounds as you have been to the temple, you are one of the people of the Lord's church.  You are one of his most loyal servants in these days.  The adversary desires to make you forget these things and focus on your failings and weaknesses.  He wants to take you out of the equation by making you feel worthless because of such a sin.  You are not.  You are a powerful son of God and it sound as if you are one of the very few Priesthood holders in this world.  Think about that, of all the world, you are one of the few that have the power and authority from the Lord.  You need to be worthy of it, but I know that this is something that you can do.

There are many that face this problem these days.  I heard a statement from somewhere (though I forget who, if I could remember, I would give the source).  In regards to this situation, many times when you fail, you think of that one time and that's it...you failed.  Instead of thinking of it that way, think of how many times you succeeded.  Every time you are tempted, and you fight off that temptation, you have succeeded.  In that month that you spoke about, and you said you failed...that was one time, but how many times did you succeed as well.  If you just say one day was a success (which is unlikely, it was probably several successes as you probably had at least several temptations a day), than that is a 29 to 1 odds of success.  That means, even if you failed that one time, you succeeded 29 others.  In football we call that a winning team!

Instead of looking at how you failed, look at how successful you have been, because I guarantee if you can have a 30 to 1 ratio or better, you are doing better than 90% of the people I've talked to about this.  Take it one day and one win at a time.  If you can have a 30 to 1 ratio one month, do your best to have a 31 to 1 ratio the next.  You seem to already have a winning percentage in your favor, I know you can always improve the odds.  Look at it as your success rate, instead of how you have viewed it as a failure rate, and know that many who talk to those who have dealt with this, or know those who have, are all rooting for you and are on YOUR team!

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I was sorry to hear about your trials.

My feeling is that you shouldn't give up. There are no perfect people in the church. If you imagine spiritual progress as being like a staircase, it doesn't matter where you are on the stairs. It matters which direction you are moving. If you are moving up, you are OK.

Christ's atonement paid for all our sins. Keep trying. 

If you are interested in a long talk, I love this one by Elder Bednar, about how Christ will help us do what is right:

https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/david-a-bednar_strength-lord/

 

Best wishes to you

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On 2/15/2017 at 3:23 AM, Dustin01 said:

Hi everyone, first post on the forums here, but I need some help and encouragement. But let me explain a bit first. 

I just turned 27 years old and feel like I haven't accomplished much in my life. I feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like my issues really started right after my mission. 

I started having a problem with pornography when I was 13 or 14 thereabouts. Its been a constant spectre and returning issue throughout my junior high and highschool years and leading up to my mission. I was successfully able to serve a mission and did well until around my last year. I got a companion who literally decided they weren't going to talk to me, basically I was alone. This drove me mad, I fell apart and fell "inwards" on myself. I relapsed and confessed to my Mission President who moved me to a new area where I could see a councilor. I was put on an anti-depressant and was able to serve the rest of my mission. Months later I return home and things are fine, I went to the Temple once for an endowment session. Shortly after I relapsed, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself so much. I was so angry. 

Then my Sister announced she was getting married. I knew I would be expected to go to her Sealing ceremony and I really wanted to go. I went and talked with my Bishop about my ongoing issues. He told me if I could go a month with a relapse leading up to my sisters Wedding I could get a temple recommend and go to her Sealing.....I had a relapse a day or two before the wedding. I plunged into a deep self-loathing depression and hate for myself. My mom was devastated I wouldn't be going to the sealing.....

By the way, I have never come out and told my parents about my past or present issues regarding pornography, I feel too ashamed to, always have. I think they suspect but they haven't ever confronted me directly about it either. 

Anyway, after hating myself for so long I decided to finally let go of the hate and caring so much about this issue in my life. I found myself to be much happier that way then anything. And for the last several years that's how i've coped and lived. 

 

My question is, and fear. I feel as if I go to my Bishop and confess and start the repentance on this issue all over again, and relapse, I will descend again into utter hatred and loathing for myself and end up at square one again. I also don't know if even if I am pronounced clean enough to go into a Temple if I will EVER feel comfortable in those places again. I live near one and every time I drive near a Temple I feel like I don't belong there, at all, and never will. Sure I can attribute this to "the devil" telling me this. But even if I repent and am "clean" I feel like I will never feel clean in a Temple. I feel like all I will think about upon entering a Temple is how I shouldn't be there. I don't know what to do anymore. Im angry and frustrated. I still go to church regularly, I still believe in the gospel, but I don't believe that I will ever feel up to snuff to really live it ever again. 

Anyway, I feel like I will be rambling if I continue anymore. I needed to get this out somewhere where people can understand a bit of where I am coming from and what you would suggest. Thanks in advance. 

I recommend you read this paper.  http://www.nofearpreps.com/uploads/1/4/4/2/14427784/2porn_sickness_evil_spirits_and_the_priesthood_-_copy.pdf

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