Non-member Mother and Motivation to Continue On


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I just want to preface this by saying that I'm 29 years old and I still live with my mother. I'm trying to make the freelance art thing work without becoming a starving artist, so, it is easier to pay rent to my mother rather than getting a place on my own. I just started going back to church 6 months ago and I have been trying to help my family, namely, my 3 younger siblings, have some stability and religion in their lives. We have scripture study every night of the week and we just started family home evenings on Mondays.

Well, my mother, although somewhat supportive, is a lapsed member. She drinks beer recreationally, used to smoke but now vapes, and has sex outside of marriage. She has divorced my step dad and was dating and engaged to a hunter for about 3 years. He never moved into our house but she would often spend nights over at his house, leaving my 12 and 16, and 17 year old siblings in my care. Well, he dumped her recently, for the better, I thought, because he didn't treat her very nicely 20% of the time. She was so crushed for a while that she had to leave us for a week to go to a friends house several hours away, again, leaving the kids to my care. Now, a month later, she appears happier but invites men over for the weekends while the boys visit their father's house. She's not interested in dating right now but just in having fun and to her that means drinking and having sex with men she barely knows.

My sister is going through a rough time right now. 16 years old, she is mentally and emotionally stunted(not diagnosed, she just falls a little behind what you'd expect of someone her age, maturity-wise) and is having hormonal issues. She won't talk to anybody about it, everything is "fine" and yet she gives her teachers depressing notes, wanders out of church and school activities, is curt and short with us as a family, and spends hours in her room doing what, nobody knows. Very bottled up and yet vacant and mercurial when you talk to her. She is on birth control to help even out the testosterone in her body but all it seems to be doing is confusing her emotionally, like the two hormones are warring within her. So, after getting a call from school this past Friday about some of these issues from my sister's counselor, my mother is making plans to go to the doctor and change what he's got her on and get her in to see someone for therapy. I remember being like that as a teenager, having dark thoughts and dark fantasies and being hormonally and emotionally in turmoil. I did some crazy stuff before I was set on a correct path with the help of medication and therapy at the time.

My mother just informed me about her secret plans to leave this Friday to fly out west to meet up with a guy she's been talking to for about a month online. She knew him when she was in the service but they started talking again recently, when she and her ex broke up. She'll be gone until Tuesday not this week but next week. She thinks I mean to keep her chained up here by asking that she stay at this time. She knows my sister's issues but says she'll be fine and that there's not much she(my mother) can do while here, minimizing the effect of her presence here as a stabilizing effect on our household. She's not completely wild or off the rails, mind you, her presence here keeping us all grounded and focused.

I have a problem with being critical and catastrophizing. I have a problem with being judgemental and projecting. I feel like something bad is going to happen. My normal support system that does not include her is a bit scattered right now so I am the one in charge and responsible while she is away. The boys will be at their dads but my sister will be home with me. And Monday they come home and go to school from here.

I just need some support right now. I feel like this is a lot of personal information but I'm a little lost at the moment. I feel like it's not ever going to get better. I try to set an example, I try to do service with love in my heart but I feel like I'm being used. Like I'm a crutch and so long as I'm here, she'll use me as an excuse to go off and have fun and not be here. I feel like I should leave, move out...but then I feel like the children here will suffer because she's not going to do scripture study with them and they love and depend on me so much. I can't say anything because I'm then being judgemental and she'd be resentful and cruel if she were forced to stay, not just this weekend, but to take responsibility for her personal life period. Like most of Heavenly Father's lessons to me, I feel like He puts me in situations and circumstances to change something within me. But I'm struggling against this.

I need to remember how to show charity and love, without being critical or judgemental. I just can't wrap my head around this perspective shift. How do I get there? Because to me, love is not letting someone hurt themselves and telling them not to do something that you know will hurt them. I'm trying to trust in Heavenly Father and this burden He has placed upon me and trying to find the lesson in it all. I know I am needed here and I know I'm being selfish making it all about how hard this thing is for ME. I guess, I just wanted to hear someone remind me of that, to tell me about being steadfast, to offer some different perspective on charity and loving a non-member family member even when they do things that are frustrating. Because I love her so much and I know I need to change to love her better and love her more. Just any advice on what I could be doing better, a new way to look at this, some way to feel pumped and motivated about my capabilities as a force for good and a responsible adult, would be much appreciated.

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It sounds like you have some fasting and praying to do. One thought I had is that you should do what is best for you, which would mean moving out. On the other hand, it sounds like you are doing so much for your younger siblings. This is one of those situations where it's not exactly clear to an outsider like me what you should do.  Maybe you already know what to do, but you are just having a hard time doing the right thing. In which case I offer you encouragement. All hardships come to an end sooner or later.  Sometimes we just need to feel that we are doing the right thing,  and just need to keep doing it  even though it is hard.  Other times perhaps a change is needed. This is for you to decide through fasting and prayer.  It does sound like you are in a very tough position. The Savior knows you and your circumstances and He is mindful of it.  He loves you and your mom and your siblings with a pure love. Sometimes loving someone means doing things that your loved one will not like.  Such as refusing to support negative behaviors. Other times it just means keeping quiet. So again there is no hard and fast answer to this. I have confidence that you can make it through this, with the help of God.

Edited by eddified
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You're in a tough situation. You obviously love your younger siblings and your mother. Moving out isn't an easy decision, not only because you feel like you may be what's keeping your younger siblings on the right path, but you are dependent on your mother, to some extent, financially. Living at home, may indeed, be enabling your mother's behavior. But, you may be the stability your siblings need. My only advice is to fast and pray about it. Your answer may be to stay and be that stabilizing factor in your siblings lives, even though it's enabling your mother. Your answer may be to leave home and get your own place. My feeling is that unless you move far away your mother will still depend on you to come home for the weekends to watch the kids. Hope you can find the answer to help bring peace into your life. 

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I thank you guys for your words and support. I know that the situation is a tough one to figure out since there is no one right answer and it is definitely up to me to do the fasting and praying to hear directly from the source what I should do and how to go about this. I guess it's a kind of "I don't want to! I want her to change! I want to make her do what I want her to do!" type thing, and I know those thoughts and that impulse go against what Christ taught and what I should be thinking.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

I like Edified's sugestion of fasting and prayer.  Also I would suggest you get a priesthood blessing.   

One thing to consider is that your mom's behavior is not likely to change...whether you are there or not, I imagine she will be the same.  I don't mean that as a criticism of her at all, I'm just thinking that there are emotional needs that drive her to behave this way, and that won't change even if you move out, IMO.

I know this is hard on you, and I think you do have a right to consider YOUR needs as well.  I think therapy for your sister is a great idea.  It would be awesome if your mom got therapy too, but I imagine she won't think she needs it.  

So fast, pray, and get a blessing.  Consider counseling with your Bishop.  I second MormonGator's well wishes of hugs, and prayers.  Hang in there.

 

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Hugs to you a mustard seed!  Unfortunately, you really don't have a mother.  You have a wayward teen-ager. 

So, one thing you need to remind yourself everyday - You can't control what your mother does.  You can only control how you react to her.  You will find more peace of mind if you stop expecting your mother to do the right things.

And so, if you can't rely on her to do her motherly responsibilities then you have 2 choices - 1.)  Move out to get your mother to stop dumping her motherly job on you, 2.) Take over all the motherly responsibilities.

This is the decision you have to make.  Kneel down to fast and pray about this decision to seek the guidance of the Holy Ghost.  Seek help from your bishop if you need more spiritual support.  And I would also suggest making an appointment with your therapist for mental health support. 

Hope things get better soon.

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Thank you @LiterateParakeet and @anatess2!  I think that hits it right on the head what I am struggling with. Not that the miracle of her changing is impossible for God, after all, He brought me back from self-destructive "fun" as well. But my impatience is prideful. I want it now and its not happening so I get mad at her. I understand thats not what He wants. 

I cannot leave but I can step up. I had some epiphanies while lying in bed last night. One, I could lose her at any moment and it made me look at how I was spending these "last moments" with her. I think that is one possible way to get to love the sinner and not the sin, because thats a pretty big hurdle sometimes to leap over. Is this thing worth quibbling over when she could be gone in the next instant? Is me shaking my finger or giving her worried looks what I would want to remember about our time together? It just helped me align my priorities better and find my way to where what she is doing does not get in the way of loving her and showing her love genuinely and fully. 

Another thing that occurred to me is that "I want whats best for you" IS judgemental. At least the way I have been combining it with "I know better than you." How prideful is that? It felt like a weight off my shoulders realizing that Ive been trying to take the glory and responsibility of saving her away from the Savior. Thats not my job. I'm a child in His ways just as much as she is. The Savior led by example and so should I. I'm not making a good case for the plan of happiness when I'm sad and worried all the time. I just need to trust in Him more than I have been. 

Just sharing the realizations I've had. I already have a testimony of pure love working to open doorways and smooth the path. I just need to trust in that and put it into practice more readily. 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Update on this situation. Things were ok for a little while. She came home from her trip and it seemed like things were back to semi-normal. Then she informs me of a trip she is making in May. Not asking just informs me about it, automatically assuming I will be here. Not to mention that she is pushing back yet again the court date for the custody battle she's in right now with my step father in order to make this trip. This has been a stressful situation and it will be prolonged even more now because she has to attend this navy reunion(no doubt drinking, drugs, and sex while she is there). 

Thats fine. I can handle it, even though I have callings now and will need transportation on those days she is gone. Then this past weekend, she informs me Friday that she is going to pittsburgh to get two dogs from a pound before they are put down on monday. No asking, just this is what she is going to do. She promised me no more animals. We owned two big dogs, a german shepherd mix and a rottweiler, when I was young, they stayed mostly locked in a shed, let out every few hours to go to the bathroom. One had to be put down because she bit my cousin on the face and the other we gave away. Then we had a wire fox terrier for a few months. She was locked in a crate most of the time because she wouldnt potty train but she ended up pooping and peeing inside the tiny crate every time she was put in there regardless of time. Then we had a beagel for a while. He wouldnt stop digging in the yard in navy housing so we gave him away. Then my mother got me a harlequin great dane for a graduation present. When we moved to the country and i moved out, she became an outdoor dog. She had heavy chains so she wouldnt get loose and the area around her dog house was torn up and muddy most of the time.  So she slept inside a kennel at night and was left outside all day every day. She died from bloat a few years ago. My mother got two cats, a brother and sister and the girl was too wild so she was given to me. The boy was kept in the tiny laundry room until i moved into the house again after my divorce. I had him for a month before he succumbed to a urinary infection. My mom had a tiny dog that she kept in a crate most of the time because it was to wild  then this past summer she got another brother and sister cat pair for no reason. I was able to give the girl away and we kept the boy outdoors but he disappeared this january. 

She has already been banned from animals. I brought this up friday and she whined and then got angry with me. So now we have two dogs, porteguese water dogs. I made it clear that my busy schedule meant these could not become my responsibility but that I forbade them from either being locked in a room or left outside. She agreed but who knows how she'll eventually get. Her boss is a dog trainer so theyre training the 8 month old dogs. Neither one comes when called. We almost lost one twice, its peed on the carpet twice, and she hooks them up outside for an hour at night to make them poop before bed. She brought them home Sunday and this is already where we are. They bark whenever one of us leaves our room or walks to a room where they are and at night this makes getting up to go the bathroom an alarming and wakeful event. 

I was so sorrowful last night. I was a little off so she asked me what was wrong and i told her I was stressed about my callings, the kids, and now the dogs.  She asked "what responsibilities do you have to the dogs and the kids?" I dont know how to answer. I feel like maybe I'm being spoiled and whiny. I am here when the kids get home, i do homework with them, i do scripture study and family home evening. Yes i do not put money into the house but in that way i feel trapped in a cycle of death and stagnation. I cant really get out to do what i need to do because i dont have a license or a car. But the dmv is only open thursdays for that test. And i need money to get a car. Ok but in order to make money i need to work and do commissions which i cant get around to do because i dont have a car. So live in babysitter feels like all im good for. 

I have been feeling trapped and nihilistic for a couple months now. Last night i was praying and interrupted by a phone call with my aunt. Their family is moving out west to idaho at the beginning of the summer and after hearing all my struggles she offered to take me with them. I could get my license, a job, go to art classes and business/marketing classes while I'm there. I can have a future. 

I have prayed about it and felt nothing in response to either question (stay or go) but I desperately want this to be the answer to my prayers but i cannot help feeling torn over what i will leave behind. My little brother will still be in the house and he gets home before mom gets home from work. My sister still has problems that i know the gospel influence will help her with but that'll go when I leave. My 21 year old brother still lives at home but he smokes and drinks and lazes about. He will not be a good influence nor is he dependable. 

Is it ok for me to be selfish? They're not my children and she is using me to continue to play and fool around rather than being there for them. I feel like if I stay I may get suicidal again. I may feel so lost and trapped that I am unable to stay anyway. If I leave...i will be abandoning them and her. Shes not getting better and there is no future for me here  but i hesitate to shirk my responsibilities, these trials the lord has given me  

I will pray and fast on it more but i just wanted to update on this situation. I dont even know how to talk to her. No doubt this will be seen as me abandoning her and betraying her. I just dont know. 

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Guest MormonGator
1 hour ago, a mustard seed said:

\Is it ok for me to be selfish?

In all honesty, sometimes yes, it is okay to be selfish. 

Look @a mustard seed, I'm going to give it to you straight. Sometimes LDS are too nice and too wonderful. There is a difference between "Christian love and joy" and "I am a doormat, and I'm going to go make a sandwich, do the laundry and vacuum for my cheating boyfriend." (Joking, but you see my point). 

I obviously can't make choices for you. You are a grown woman, intelligent and incredibly compassionate and understanding. I admire you for it (I really do!) but it's okay to set boundaries when you determine they are needed. 

love and prayers. 

Edited by MormonGator
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I am so unqualified to advise you on the overall situation that I hesitate to say anything, but I'll say a few things anyway...  First, if you're asking in your prayers which thing you should do, you might have better luck choosing one and then asking if it's right.  Second, if you become overwhelmed to the point of suicidal thoughts, you won't be helping anyone anywhere, so do what's necessary to avoid that.  Finally, it seems to me that the best resolution would be to get (yourself and) the minors out of that house and into one where the gospel is embraced by all, but I cannot imagine a legal way to do that (or not an easy one).  I have few qualms about leaving adults to their choices when they've rejected reality / truth, but it just seems tragic for the minors to have to live in this situation.

You have my prayers too.

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2 hours ago, a mustard seed said:

I have prayed about it and felt nothing in response to either question (stay or go) but I desperately want this to be the answer to my prayers but i cannot help feeling torn over what i will leave behind. My little brother will still be in the house and he gets home before mom gets home from work. My sister still has problems that i know the gospel influence will help her with but that'll go when I leave. My 21 year old brother still lives at home but he smokes and drinks and lazes about. He will not be a good influence nor is he dependable. 

Here is my advice:

Look the situation over as best you can, then make your decision. After (and ONLY after) you have made that decision, take it to the Lord to talk over and ratify. Explain to him exactly why you have made that choice. Be as open and honest as you can. Then ask if it's consonant with his will, and wait to hear/feel his voice. If there is something wrong with your decision, you will feel it. Otherwise, you may feel a pleasant confirmation. In the absence of either of these, proceed as you have planned.

Best wishes to you. Sounds like a tough situation. God has not forgotten you, though.

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5 hours ago, a mustard seed said:

If I leave...i will be abandoning them and her. 

Even if going out west is what you end up doing, you can still write, facebook chat, call, skype, etc.  I know it's not the same as being there but you can still have some influence so saying you're 'abandoning them' doesn't fit.  Sending love and hugs.

 

Edited by my two cents
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*Warning: incoming bluntness*

5 hours ago, a mustard seed said:

Is it ok for me to be selfish? They're not my children and she is using me to continue to play and fool around rather than being there for them. I feel like if I stay I may get suicidal again. I may feel so lost and trapped that I am unable to stay anyway. If I leave...i will be abandoning them and her. Shes not getting better and there is no future for me here  but i hesitate to shirk my responsibilities, these trials the lord has given me  

I will pray and fast on it more but i just wanted to update on this situation. I dont even know how to talk to her. No doubt this will be seen as me abandoning her and betraying her. I just dont know. 

"Selfish"?  @a mustard seed, taking care of yourself is in NO way selfish!  Living your life is in NO way selfish!  There isn't a single thing in this or any other post you've made that can be accurately described as "selfish".  You need to feed yourself: physically, spiritually, emotionally financially, etc.  That is NOT selfish, but being a disciple of Christ and a good steward over your life.  You are NOT your mother's keeper and you need to get to a place where you can healthily feed yourself.  You both are grown women and she does not require you to be around and enable her sins.  As to the kids... they're going to need help not just today, but the tomorrow a decade from now too.  Right now you're not much in a position to help yourself, much less them.  You need to get in a strong safe place first, and then you can reach out and help pull them up.  

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Thank you so much for all your prayers and support. Talking with my aunt and uncle about their plans to move to Idaho and including me in them this weekend, it sounds like it will be the challenge and growing opportunity that I need. I think I get stuck sometimes in the thought process that when trials and hardships come my way, I'm meant to view them as learning experiences. It is hard for me to get out of the mindset that "this was given to me by Heavenly Father and if I don't suffer through it with grace and depending on Him to feel better, then I'm somehow being ungrateful." It is hard for me to view new opportunities as blessings and often I get confused, thinking they're "escape plans" like I'm trying to avoid my responsibility to the struggle and pain I'm being put through.

Anyway, that mindset has been kicked to the curb and I'm definitely going for the BYU blessing that I've been given. It'll still be hard but it'll be the type of challenge that I can grow and learn from, that will have blessings to earn at the end of it.

I let my mother know about it Saturday night, being sure to frame it so that none of the blame was put on her and...she was actually really excited for me. I'm sure she's sad inside but I know...that she loves me and she knows, she knows this will be good for me.

I thank you all for your prayers as I definitely felt the support and guidance of the Spirit during that conversation and the different choices I made on what to say and how to say it. And I thank you all for your bluntness. Like I said, I have a problem sometimes seeing clearly what I am worth and it has a lot to do with how I grew up and the example that was set for me.

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My heart is in my throat. Update: My admissions to BYU-I is going well and progressing steadily. I just have one or two things left to do and they're "in the works". And my mother is still making plans, not telling me about them and disappearing, just assuming I'll be here for the kids. She buys me food and I feel like it's intended to manipulate me because its not food I asked for and not food that I need, usually snacks.

Something big is coming up soon and I'm worried about it. So often, I talk myself out of things and end up being really unhappy because in the end, I feel obligated to her. Like, I don't feel like I have a will of my own or...I'm terrified of defying her. I cannot tell you the turmoil that assailed me before I told her of my plans to move to Idaho. I was so worried that she'd get mad and kick me out, or turn off my phone or internet and trap me here. I am so dependent on her that I need her in order to springboard to leave.

The first week of May she has an annual reunion to go to for her navy buddies. Of course there will be drinking and now that she is free of a boyfriend, of course sex with whomever. Fine, she's an adult. But things have changed since years past. Now we have dogs. I would have been fine if it were just the kids. I have watched them before and I love them. They don't really need me to go anywhere in order to cook meals and be here at night. But nothing has changed about my situation with the dogs. I will not watch them too. It's too much stress. They're untrained and I will feel obligated to spend time with them but with them being energetic and rowdy, it'll be like watching 5 kids instead of just 3.

I have a plan. My aunt needs help over at her house that week and she and I have talked and she is agreeable to having me over. I am debating when to tell my mother. She doesn't leave until the 4th(I think) so even if I tell her the 30th when I leave for the week, she'll have several days to put something together. I am terrified of putting this into action. I feel like I don't have the right to abandon her even though she hasn't brought up the trip to me at all or asked about it at all. I put things together from FB posts she's made. I worry about her bullying me and convincing/manipulating me into doing what she wants, so, I think I won't tell her until the 29th...or even the 30th when I'm already gone. I worry about things being tense until I move, so, in that way...I think about just keeping the peace and letting her use me yet again. I am sorry. I wish I was a stronger person and more confident.

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14 minutes ago, Eowyn said:

Thank you for this. I see a lot in both myself and her that rings true with this...but some does not. I am still neck deep in this situation though so I do accept the possibility that I might not be seeing this from the right angle yet. Still, it offers a great amount of clarity and I thank you for that @Eowyn.

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The more you write, the more it seems to me that you need to get out of this situation so that you can improve your lot to the point where you have the resources to then help others.  My impression from your previous reply was that you had decided to go and the Lord had confirmed your choice.  If that's the case, hold fast to that confirmation and go.

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I agree with @zil . The more you tell us, the more it sounds like you should leave. Not just for your benefit though, but mostly for your benefit. I mean this in the kindest way possible: have you been inadvertently enabling her dysfunction?

It might be in your best interest to only tell her once you're gone, if you strongly suspect you will be too weak otherwise. 

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That is perfect @eddified! Thank you! 

@zil I have decided to move but two things 1. I am moving with my aunt and uncle and they arent leaving until the beginning of July. 2. My mother does not know she is a big part of my desire to leave. I could move my stuff into my aunt and uncles tomorrow but I am unable to remedy the things that make me so dependent until I get a job, get schooling, and get a car. So it'd be shuffling my burdensome self from one person to another until it is time to get out there and actually doing things. In my current state I am dependent upon my mother for a lot and that dependence hinges on her happiness and approval of me. Right now, I am the golden child from eowyns link. But the roles have and may shift at a moments notice. I was a scape goat for a while right after her boyfriend dumped her because I tried to counsel her not to go back to him for how emotionally abusive and psycho he was; i was "judgemental" and she drew away and we stopped talking like friends for a while. Now, since she has decided that shes better off and recognizes he was abusive, it is okay to cast him as a bad guy. Heaven forbid I say anythung about the casual sex, the frequent abandoning of her kids, or the dogs though. 

I am sorry to keep coming here and whining and I cant gaurantee it wont happen again when something else happens. I am leaving my mother. A person that I have been emotionally manipulated into believing needs me in order for me to have any self-worth ever since I was small. I frequently make plans to do things and then internally anticipate her disapproval. It is hard for me to see clearly or to even feel like I deserve desires at all at these times. It will get better once I am out and I plan on getting counseling while in idaho to help me work through this baggage so that I can live a healthy life. But until then I am both an agent for my own freedom and independence and an agent for her without her having to even say a thing. Until I am out of here I feel like a double agent waiting to be discovered by her and punished for my betrayal so that is where the anxiety comes from.

Its nobodies problem but mine but I thank everyone for the encouragement given and the prayers. It really has helped me reachieve clarity and so far nothing bad has happened as a result of me sticking to my guns and taking advice. 

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