Missionary Girlfriend


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Welcome @lala131426!

IMO, the best things to do if dating a young man approaching missionary age are: 1) Don't let it get so serious that your relationship will in any way or for any reason tempt or prevent him from going on a mission; 2) Frequently encourage and help him to prepare to go on a mission (there should be no "if", only a plan for him to prepare);  3) Plan now to not be a distraction to him while he's on his mission (e.g. don't plan love letters - plan friendship and spiritual-encouragement letters).

Beyond that, I'm not sure I understand the question.  Are you asking how to prepare to miss someone?  I'm not sure it can be done (beyond the obvious of planning to move forward with your life in the right ways - e.g. church, education, work - rather than planning to sit around and pine (I'm sure you're not planning that, just setting up the obvious contrast).)  Or are you asking what to do for those 2 years?  How to support his efforts for those 2 years?

If you're asking how to maintain the relationship while he's gone for 2 years, I wouldn't even try.  Maintain a friendship, sure, but not a romantic relationship - that would be a disservice to both of you.  I guarantee you will both be very different people in 2 years, don't fight that, embrace it and use those 2 years to become the best you you can be.  Then, when he returns, get to know one another again.  Either the attraction will still be there, or it won't.  Either way, it'll be OK, if you are both doing your best to live as the Lord teaches.

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I dated a number of young men who left on missions. I made it clear that I was not waiting for them; they repeated this back to me. I wrote ocassionally while they were on missions. No mushy stuff. When they returned, some were angry that I did not wish to date them. Two became semi-stalkers continually emailing and phoning, I blocked their emails and phone calls. Every once in a while, I meet family members and friends of these people who explain to me that I broke these peoples  hearts. One RM even sought out my nonmember mother. 

Seriously, someone who goes on a mission should not be thinking about girls at home. Those who do so persistently can be to some extent obsessive people. You do not want to marry someone who fails to follow the advice of church leaders. Save yourself and move on. If you are free when he returns and you both feel the same way about each other, fine. Do not wait for a missionary. 

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6 hours ago, lala131426 said:

Hi. I'm just a newbie here so I would like to get some advice from you on how will you going to prepare yourself if your boyfriend serves a mission for 2 years. 

Situps. Maybe a business management course.

Also, piano lessons.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Welcome Lala!  Encourage him to go, it will be a great experience (generally speaking).  He will grow a lot while he is gone, so if you hope for your relationship to last, you need to grow too!  Consider serving a mission yourself.  If not a mission, go to college, including Institute.  Focus on developing your talents and skills to be a better person.  

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Welcome to the forums, Lala!

I will tell you my personal opinion.  There is no right or wrong on this sort of stuff, but I do have an opinion as to what might be easiest for you and your boyfriend.

I would suggest perhaps giving some thought to amicably breaking up while he is on the mission?  Two years is a long time for you, if you are here at home, to abstain from dating.  While I don't believe in any of that "soulmates" stuff, I would suggest that it may be possible you may run into an even better marriage candidate than your boyfriend while he is on his mission, but if you are refusing to date others because you have a boyfriend on a mission, you will never know. . .  (and you will miss out on a world of fun and socialization if you spend two years in the singles' ward and refuse to date other members.)  I would be like, "Let's break up for now, and if I am still single when you get back, we can try dating again if it still makes sense and see what happens."

I have had numerous mission companions who had girlfriends.  It was always a major distraction for them, and many of the girls did not wind up waiting anyways.  A breakup late in one's mission can be a very difficult thing for a missionary indeed (I had one whose girlfriend dumped him at 22 months!  He was pretty upset for weeks at the very end of his mission, when he should have been enjoying himself and savoring the experience).  Even for the girlfriends who wound up waiting, there was always associated drama and misery.  For once, I was kind of glad that I had not really dated before my mission at all!

Then again, my little brother's girlfriend waited for him, and then she went on a mission herself while he was gone, and he waited for her after he got back.  They are now happily married and have two children.  I think the fact that the girlfriend was on her own mission or preparing for it for much of the time my brother was on his mission was a big factor in their success . . . while they were not together for a few years, they were both growing in the same direction, and a lot of the drama associated with having the girlfriend unnaturally abstain from dating while at college for two years was absent.  If you are already thinking about serving a mission yourself and are dead set on someday marrying this guy, perhaps serving your own mission at the same time he is serving his would have an added benefit of allowing you to grow closer?  (This should not be the only or main reason you are serving a mission, of course . . . just an added benefit if you are already strongly considering going).

But I am all for dealing with having a boyfriend on a mission by refusing to deal with it.  Go to college, date worthy members in the singles ward, and enjoy this special and unique (and fleeting) time in your life! 

Edited by DoctorLemon
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15 hours ago, lala131426 said:

Hi. I'm just a newbie here so I would like to get some advice from you on how will you going to prepare yourself if your boyfriend serves a mission for 2 years. 

@lala131426
I met my wife when I was 17 and I knew that night she was the one.  We got married shortly after I returned from my mission, and this month is our 28th anniversary. Most of what I'll say are things we did or at least tried to do, the rest are things we wish we did or things observed from mission companions and their relationships. They are in no particular order.

I'm assuming your boyfriend has not yet left.  If he has you may need to adapt some of this for that.  If he is already out, a discussion about where the boundaries are is likely to make him worry that you want to get involved with somebody else.

First
Be supportive and encouraging and enthusiastic about his serving a mission.  As the girl he loves, you have an incredible amount of power over his his emotions and feelings so use that to lift him up and strengthen him in doing what is right, and do all you can to avoid bringing him down and discouraging him.  Encourage him to keep mission rules. If he does something like phone you when he shouldn't, let him know in a kind way that although you love to hear his voice, you would love it more if he obeyed the rules.

Second
You two need to have a real honest talk about where the boundaries are before he goes.  Some couples decide going on a mission is a clean break and she is free to go and date and have a romance with other guys while he is away and when he gets back they decided what happens after that.  Some couples get engaged before he goes and she is expected to not date another guy in any way shape or form.  Some go for something in between where it is agreed that she can date casually and get to know other guys and if at some point she decides to make some other guy her boyfriend she dear john's him.  

You need to mutually decided where the limits are for you as a couple.  Would he be OK with you going out with somebody else just as friends, would he be OK with you going out repeatedly with the same guy, would he be OK with you holding hands with an other guy, accepting gifts from another guy, telling another guy you love him or are in love with him, kissing another guy?  At what point would he consider you to be cheating on him or being disloyal to him?  If you ever do dear john him, do it before you cross that line.  If you cross that line and he feels cheated on then you will likely lose his friendship too, and I think most every guy would rather have a honest breakup than be cheated on.

Even if you are 100% sure and had an angle come down and told you he was the one, make all of this clear between the two of you.  He might not know for sure, he perhaps he does and you don't. You need to know how he feels about these things, and he needs to know what you plan to actually do.  There may be conflicting ideas to work out.

Third
While he is away, consider yourself his other missionary companion.  Ask him to tell you about his investigators, his companion, the country, what he is doing.  Do not share events from your social life or what is going on with friends, pop culture news, and other distractions unless it will uplift and motivate him or is important for him to know.  Hearing about any dates you went on will not help him.  Get involved with missionary work yourself and share your successes and trials about that with him.  Write to him about what you've studied in the scriptures or learned at General Conference.  You want him to wish you were there with him, rather than wish he was back there with you.

Fourth
Either the two of you are supposed to get married, or not.  If you are, then Satan will probably try to tempt you away from him while he is away by throwing some other guy at you.  If he is not who God wants for you, then you may run into the guy you should be with while he is away.  When you are in that moment where you feel torn between your missionary and some other guy is not the best time to start asking for direction.  Start asking now, find out from God as soon as you can if your missionary is the one you should marry so you can better differentiate between a decoy and the real thing.

You should know for sure one way or the other before he gets home.  If you are not sure either way, I would say that dating other guys is part of finding out (as well as prayer, fasting etc.) but you need to do it in a way that isn't disloyal or hurtful to your missionary.  If at some point you come to know he isn't the one, break up with him.  He'll get over it.  If you come to know for sure at some point he is the one, be completely loyal to him.   I think it would be a bit dishonest to date another guy and make him think he might have a chance when you are committed to somebody else.  Even just going out as friends is risky, he likely still has hopes that by taking you out he'll change your mind.  Don't put a guy through that. Go out in groups without pairing up.

Fifth
If you do date, keep your standards very high.  You have a boyfriend who is on track to be an RM and marry in the temple.  Don't settle for less than what you have.  It has to be a guy who is a member who is committed to marrying in the temple, and who either is an RM, will become an RM, or is unable to serve a mission for reasons out of his control.  Dating a newly converted guy is a real minefield.  My brother-in-law's friend joined the church in the hopes of advancing a relationship with her and he put her in a difficult position where she felt trapped between being honest about only wanting to be friends and causing him to go inactive, or being disloyal to me.

Sixth
Talk about your missionary boyfriend to your friends often, even if it starts to bug them.  Tell them what he is doing.  You want it so if somebody asks your friends if you have a boyfriend, they say 'yes, she is waiting for a missionary' or something like that.

Seventh
Be honest in your relationships.  I've touched on this a bit already, but it needs to be a separate point.  For as long as your missionary is your boyfriend you need to respect the boundaries of that relationship.  Don't lead some other guy on and let him think of you as his girlfriend or act in a way that leads your friends to think he is your boyfriend unless you have dear john'ed your missionary.  While you could perhaps get away with stringing them both along at the same time, it's wrong, and foolish.  If you really know your missionary is the one, conduct yourself accordingly and don't risk causing another guy to develop romantic feelings for you.  If you reach a point where you think somebody else is the one, dear john him before crossing the lines of that relationship.  Perhaps time the letter to arrive the day before his P-day so he gets it that evening and has some time to deal with it before going back to work.  I don't recommend getting engaged no matter how committed you both feel, it's like daring Satan to come after you.

Lastly, I believe the stats are that 90% of relationships end before the missionary comes home.  Everybody thinks they are in the 10% at the start.  Don't fail to consider both possibilities and how to handle them.

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10 hours ago, zil said:

Welcome @lala131426!

IMO, the best things to do if dating a young man approaching missionary age are: 1) Don't let it get so serious that your relationship will in any way or for any reason tempt or prevent him from going on a mission; 2) Frequently encourage and help him to prepare to go on a mission (there should be no "if", only a plan for him to prepare);  3) Plan now to not be a distraction to him while he's on his mission (e.g. don't plan love letters - plan friendship and spiritual-encouragement letters).

Gotta quibble with you over 1 and 3.

I was as serious about my relationship with my then girlfriend (future wife) as I could be.  The only reason I hadn't already proposed was because I had to serve a mission first and she was bit young for marriage at the time, but it was never something that tempted me to not go.  Going on a mission was something I wanted from the time I was 6 or even earlier, and if my girlfriend was somebody who wouldn't feel disappointed in me if I didn't go, she wouldn't have been my girlfriend in the first place.  The fact that she was very supportive and encouraging and enthusiastic about my serving a mission deepened my love for her.  I know that is not the norm, but my point is that when a guy stays home because of a girl, it isn't because the relationship is too serious, it's because his commitment to serving a mission is not serious enough.

As for love letters, it depends on the content.  'I wish you were here so much' type of love letters are not helpful, but 'I'm so grateful to have a boyfriend who honors his priesthood and serves God' type of love letters are very motivational.

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9 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

I dated a number of young men who left on missions. I made it clear that I was not waiting for them; they repeated this back to me. I wrote ocassionally while they were on missions. No mushy stuff. When they returned, some were angry that I did not wish to date them. Two became semi-stalkers continually emailing and phoning, I blocked their emails and phone calls. Every once in a while, I meet family members and friends of these people who explain to me that I broke these peoples  hearts. One RM even sought out my nonmember mother. 

Seriously, someone who goes on a mission should not be thinking about girls at home. Those who do so persistently can be to some extent obsessive people. You do not want to marry someone who fails to follow the advice of church leaders. Save yourself and move on. If you are free when he returns and you both feel the same way about each other, fine. Do not wait for a missionary. 

Each situation is unique.  The clearest, most direct personal revelation I ever received was the night I met my future wife telling me she was the one, and that was 2 years before I left on my mission.  She waited for me and her letters were uplifting and inspired me to become the kind of RM who would be worthy of her love.

On the other end of the scale, I had a companion who was only on mission because his girlfriend told him she would only marry him if after he was an RM.  He wouldn't work hard or obey rules, he was just filling his time.

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On 4/2/2017 at 2:00 AM, lala131426 said:

Hi. I'm just a newbie here so I would like to get some advice from you on how will you going to prepare yourself if your boyfriend serves a mission for 2 years. 

Being one who had many companions with many types of girlfriends... the worst ones were the ones that sent gushy customized love letters every week (And it is NOT because I was jealous >:( !! (Ok maybe a little...)). It definitely distracts from the work and make both him and his companion think about home way to much.

The best ones were the ones that stayed in contact and helped them remain focused on the work (but an occasional "I love you and miss you and can't wait to marry you" letter wasn't bad).

also... if your not 100% positive you can wait, don't make him think you will.

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