Crisis of Faith - Dear John Letters


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Hey guys, I'm going to take a break from this thread.

In an ironic twist of fate, my girlfriend broke up with me today through a text. It was very sudden and unexpected, we had never even had so much as a disagreement before, and this was only week after the night I lost my job assignment and she promised me that shed stick by me and support me during this difficult time.

You all know where I stand, and while I have been enlightened by the different opinions I mostly still stand by my own. I'm sorry for any of those I have offended in the process.

Edited by Lostboy289
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3 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

Hey guys, I'm going to take a break from this thread.

In an ironic twist of fate, my girlfriend broke up with me today through a text. It was very sudden and unexpected, we had never even had so much as a disagreement before, and this was only week after the night I lost my job assignment and she promised me that shed stick by me and support me during this difficult time.

You all know where I stand, and while I have been enlightened by the different opinions I mostly still stand by my own. I'm sorry for any of those I have offended in the process.

I'm so sorry, Lostboy289. :( Sometimes challenges just seem to come in buckets, don't they?  FWIW, I don't think anything you've said on this thread have been offensive.  We may disagree, but you have not been offensive at all in my opinion.  I'll pray for you to have the support you need through these trials.

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6 hours ago, The Folk Prophet said:

It's an overall good thought. But I don't agree with all of this. If my wife decided she was happier with someone else I wouldn't want them to be with that somebody because I love her. I'd want her to do what is right. Truly loving someone is caring that they do what is right. Not that they do what ever they think makes them happy. And I'm not sure what loving parent wouldn't try and limit their children's choices to some degree and exert some control over them. Which, of course, doesn't exactly apply in the current scenario, but as a broad principle, I don't think it's entirely true.

As it relates to the OP sob story, well the problem really comes down to the fact that it's a very one-sided, hurt-feelings view of what is right.

I was saying that in the context of a bf/gf relationship, not marriage.

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20 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

Hey guys, I'm going to take a break from this thread.

In an ironic twist of fate, my girlfriend broke up with me today through a text. It was very sudden and unexpected, we had never even had so much as a disagreement before, and this was only week after the night I lost my job assignment and she promised me that shed stick by me and support me during this difficult time.

You all know where I stand, and while I have been enlightened by the different opinions I mostly still stand by my own. I'm sorry for any of those I have offended in the process.

Sorry for that.  I know the hurt that goes with something like that, but if that is the kind of person she is it may be a very good thing that you are now free to find somebody else.

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27 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

Hey guys, I'm going to take a break from this thread.

In an ironic twist of fate, my girlfriend broke up with me today through a text. It was very sudden and unexpected, we had never even had so much as a disagreement before, and this was only week after the night I lost my job assignment and she promised me that shed stick by me and support me during this difficult time.

You all know where I stand, and while I have been enlightened by the different opinions I mostly still stand by my own. I'm sorry for any of those I have offended in the process.

I'm so sorry to hear that, Lostboy.  LIke Eowyn said that was rotten and cowardly.  

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47 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

Hey guys, I'm going to take a break from this thread.

In an ironic twist of fate, my girlfriend broke up with me today through a text. It was very sudden and unexpected, we had never even had so much as a disagreement before, and this was only week after the night I lost my job assignment and she promised me that shed stick by me and support me during this difficult time.

You all know where I stand, and while I have been enlightened by the different opinions I mostly still stand by my own. I'm sorry for any of those I have offended in the process.

Can I be frank?  If your girlfriend has to resort to a text message to break up with you, and she can't even conjure up honest communication to tell you in person, something is seriously wrong with her.  This goes beyond cowardice or being inconsiderate.  She sounds like she is either a member of the crazy folks club, or is so self-absorbed that, unless she makes some major changes, she will never be able to experience happiness in any sort of marriage that is worthwhile.

I remember back in 2004, before I started dating my wife, I got dumped by e-mail after two dates with this one girl.  It was only two dates, but I was a little emotionally vested, and my feelings were pretty hurt by the fact that this girl - whom I had previously considered to be a friend, and who had pursued me - had to resort to e-mail to break up with me, especially after I had made some real efforts to try and have open, honest communication with her.  I was hurt enough that I cut off the friendship.  Then, I learned some more facts about the situation, and realized I had attracted a member of the crazy folks club.  At that point, my thoughts were, thank goodness I didn't waste my first kiss on HER!!!  That honor went to my wife (who I started dating soon after).

Anyhow, I don't know if my little story makes you feel better or worse.  But I did want to tell you that that was a really lame thing your girlfriend did, and I can read plenty into the quality of her character based off of the fact she dumped you by text.  I wish you the best for your future.  I know it is hard right now, but keep up hope that things will get better, and if you stick with the gospel you WILL meet someone wonderful you can share the rest of your life with.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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My niece got dumped this summer via text... after 3 years together and lots of plans made. My brothers were ready to take it into their own hands. It's just an awful thing to do. 

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10 minutes ago, Eowyn said:

My niece got dumped this summer via text... after 3 years together and lots of plans made. My brothers were ready to take it into their own hands. It's just an awful thing to do. 

That is just insanity.  Your niece deserves a real man, not some wimpy little nobody who can't even conjure up five minutes of courage and sincerity to break up with someone in person.

Any single brothers who may be reading this, we can do better than what Eowyn has described.  If you are going to break up with someone, after one date or three years, be man enough to do it face to face.

(And yes, I know what it is like to break up with someone.  I broke up with my wife while we were dating.  I did it in person, we had an honest conversation, and we called it quits.  And then we got back together three hours later.)

Edited by DoctorLemon
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10 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

I was saying that in the context of a bf/gf relationship, not marriage.

Sure. But I would still contend the overall principle remains. True love is wanting what is best for someone, not wanting them to do what they think makes them happy. In the context of a bf/gf situation it's hard to say when one wants to stay together and the other wants to breakup what is "right". So you sort of have to go with the one who chooses to breakup and, I agree, probably a good attitude to try and be happy for them. Which is why I say it's an overall good thought. I just wanted to nit pick a bit at the overall principle. If, for example, someone left a good righteous boy/girl for a bad sinful boy/girl, then the one left should probably not be happy for that person's choice.

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11 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

Can I be frank?  If your girlfriend has to resort to a text message to break up with you, and she can't even conjure up honest communication to tell you in person, something is seriously wrong with her.  This goes beyond cowardice or being inconsiderate.  She sounds like she is either a member of the crazy folks club, or is so self-absorbed that, unless she makes some major changes, she will never be able to experience happiness in any sort of marriage that is worthwhile.

To be fair she didn't want to do it this way. I had just been feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that I had been going through (including this thread) and mentioned that I'm having a hard time "keeping up appearances" and being the strong YSA leader guy who has it all figured out that I ususally am. When she said it was ok to not always be confident and strong I asked her if she thought any less of me as a boyfriend and husband material. Then she admitted to me that she was going to tell me when I got back, but she wants to break up.

I wouldn't have been so devastated by this if this weren't literally one week after I lost my military assignment, was feeling really down about all I've been through in the past 2 years, and she promised me that regardless of what happened with my job, she would stick by me and help me through this, and I wouldn't have to worry about losing her at all. I just don't get why big promises are ok to throw out like that so soon and with no preamble. What is the point of making promises at all?

Edited by Lostboy289
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Apologies to everyone whose responses I didn't read, I got to page 3(ish) and decided It was getting to tl;dr lengths.

From what I can tell, The OP is questioning why we are willing to accept the idea of a Dear John so easily, despite the pain it may cause the receiver. Perfectly acceptable, it's not exactly something I can see as being easy to work through for the other. Possibly they might need some help and support from friends and family to work through it, depending on how invested they were. IMO support should be given to both sides if you have the ability to do so.

Then I read some of the posts that were more condemning of the writer of the letter, whether for not keeping their word or for being so loose about their supposed SO's feelings. While I'm not sure of the OP and his SO's age (I think he said they were 27 and 25 respectively, but IDR) I think that Dear Johns while on a mission are accepted because those involved have not reached the age of accountability for these types of decisions. Perhaps that's the wrong term, but it's the one I have.

As for cases involving older people, I really don't know enough about how people work etc. to come up with a viable opinion (as I see it) but the way I see it, by then you should be old enough to work through things like civilized people, even if it is by letter or other long-distance communication, rather than just saying "Oh hey, I'm getting married to somebody else next week" or whatever other sort of things get said. however, in the OP's case, I think she could have waited the week needed to tell him in person. it's one week, for goodness sake.

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31 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

she promised me that regardless of what happened with my job, she would stick by me and help me through this, and I wouldn't have to worry about losing her at all. I just don't get why big promises are ok to throw out like that so soon and with no preamble. What is the point of making promises at all?

I rather hate to answer this, considering I would rather invite you over for indulgent ice cream and chick flicks (but I don't think guys do that?)

But that's a big promise. Wife-level type of promise. 

On her end, she needed to be willing to pursue marriage before making that kind of promise. I know that doesn't help you...

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11 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

Any single brothers who may be reading this, we can do better than what Eowyn has described.  If you are going to break up with someone, after one date or three years, be man enough to do it face to face.

This.  By phone only if circumstances prevent a face to face meeting.  (LDR, mission, sudden move, bishop says don't be alone together, restraining order, etc.)  And preferably not in the context of showing up on their doorstep for that sole purpose.  At least show up with ice cream, and plan to say a bit more than "I don't like you anymore. Have a nice life."

Edited by NightSG
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11 minutes ago, Backroads said:

I rather hate to answer this, considering I would rather invite you over for indulgent ice cream and chick flicks (but I don't think guys do that?)

But that's a big promise. Wife-level type of promise. 

On her end, she needed to be willing to pursue marriage before making that kind of promise. I know that doesn't help you...

Haha, I never turn down I've cream.

She didn't promise to marry me or anything (though we have talked about it and said we thought it was going there), but sticking by me literally while I was in the thick of this shouldn't have been unreasonable.  That's atleast how I interpreted the promise.

This is the girl who only a month ago cancelled her mission a week before she was about to leave because she was in love with me (NOT my idea). 

I just wonder why we even make promises in the first place if we are free to abandon them the second they don't suit us.

 

Edited by Lostboy289
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11 hours ago, Eowyn said:

My niece got dumped this summer via text... after 3 years together and lots of plans made. My brothers were ready to take it into their own hands. It's just an awful thing to do. 

My daughter got dumped by text in the middle of Relief Society a couple months ago.  He was in Elder's Quorum at the time.  Then that night she finds out that he was sleeping with a friend of hers before and during their time together (2 weeks) and to top it off this friend was engaged to somebody else.  She is still hurting from it all.  No, I have not killed him.

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9 minutes ago, NightSG said:

This.  By phone only if circumstances prevent a face to face meeting.  (LDR, mission, sudden move, bishop says don't be alone together, restraining order, etc.)  And preferably not in the context of showing up on their doorstep for that sole purpose.  At least show up with ice cream, and plan to say a bit more than "I don't like you anymore. Have a nice life."

Or how about meeting her face to face, looking directly into her eyes, and saying something along the lines of "Listen, I have been praying a lot about our future together, and I have felt a strong impression that this relationship is not what Heavenly Father has in mind for us.  I am so sorry."  (You DID pray about it before breaking up, RIGHT?  If not, you should - you owe it to your significant other to at least spend a few minutes in prayer and asking Heavenly Father what is right or not).

Should you say more or not?  Is there more to say?  I have seen many relationships where there is nothing "wrong" - the parties just prayed about it and felt a prompting like it was just somehow not the right thing.  What more is there to say in these cases?  

If there is more to say, weigh carefully the words, and be kind.

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17 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

  No, I have not killed him.

It's a good thing you didn't. I know a parent in high school who got himself in serious trouble for legitimately threatening to kill someone who broke up with his daughter or something. Cops were involved and everything!   

Edited by MormonGator
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23 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

My daughter got dumped by text in the middle of Relief Society a couple months ago.  He was in Elder's Quorum at the time.  Then that night she finds out that he was sleeping with a friend of hers before and during their time together (2 weeks) and to top it off this friend was engaged to somebody else.  She is still hurting from it all.  No, I have not killed him.

What the heck??  I hope he is getting ex'd. What is this a reality TV show?

One reason why I do not let my kids watch TV. They see this crap, think it's acceptable and then end up living their life like a drama reality show . . .so much bad crap in today's society (le sigh).

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28 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

This is the girl who only a month ago cancelled her mission a week before she was about to leave because she was in love with me (NOT my idea). 

I just wonder why we even make promises in the first place if we are free to abandon them the second they don't suit us.

Fickle, fickle irresponsible immature women. My advice, try to ensure that the next woman you date is an actual grow-up not some child in an adult's body.

And by the same token-be a grown-up yourself-otherwise she won't want to date you!

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28 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

My daughter got dumped by text in the middle of Relief Society a couple months ago.  He was in Elder's Quorum at the time.  Then that night she finds out that he was sleeping with a friend of hers before and during their time together (2 weeks) and to top it off this friend was engaged to somebody else.  She is still hurting from it all.  No, I have not killed him.

Good. He doesn't deserve death. He deserves to walk the road he's walking.

Your daughter should count herself lucky to be out of any relationship with such people. Yuck. And at two weeks, it's not like she even invested any serious time. Such nominal "Latter-day Saints" who live just as the world lives, if not worse, are a disgrace to themselves. Sounds like both her ex-boyfriend and her engaged friend are very good people to avoid in a dating scenario. Hopefully, her friend's fiancé has found out how much of a moral scumbag she is so that he can free her to pursue her own agenda while he looks for someone decent.

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33 minutes ago, Lostboy289 said:

This is the girl who only a month ago cancelled her mission a week before she was about to leave because she was in love with me (NOT my idea). 

NEWS FLASH:

She didn't cancel her mission out of love for you. She cancelled her mission because she decided she didn't want to go, and you were her excuse.

Date wisely, my friend. Be careful and discriminating. Don't mourn too long for this one; you would never have wanted to be married to her, so she has done you a favor.

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