HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE


Blockmichael90
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Hello everyone I will make this brief as possible and I will take ANY advice that helps save my marriage. 

Im a recent convert, my wife (gf at the time) had me investigate and I chose to join. We have been together for 6 years married for 1. She is 23 I am 26. Since getting married she has been doubting whether she made the right decision. She tells me she's depressed and unhappy. I am a person who worries about everything. I worry one day she will cheat or lie. My worst nightmare became my reality yesterday when I found a picture of another mans (you know what) on her snap chat. She struggled to take her phone before I could get. I went into a rage. I yelled I screamed i told her hurtful things, the worst part is I grabbed her shoulder and push her away from me a couple times to keep her from taking her phone back. I am devastated. She is the woman I trust and love and our history is deep and eventful. She is the reason I wake up. I love her more than anything in this world and I left appalled Speech less and in more pain than I could ever explain. Her parents do not believe she had been chatting with the man and had asked for any pictures from him. I confronted the man and he went on to tell me they had flirted and she said "I wouldn't mind getting a picture" she never opened the Snapchat from him I'm assuming out of guilt but she knew it was there. After a lot of yelling and crying and some physical contact and her phone getting broke in the process she has left to her parents. She explained to them she doesn't know the man and he sent that unexpectedly. She lied to them to keep her innocent image with her family. I talked to her father and explained that I talked to the man and verified my wife encouraged him. She even told him she wasn't married. He went on to tell me I should believe my wife only. EVEN THOUGH I CAUGHT HER red handed and confirmed this with the guy. I'm devastated she has left me and is moving out. She doesn't expect we will be together and I'm now feeling rather suicidal. Please help me anyone. 

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I am really sorry...I would call the bishop and set up an appointment. Talk to him about Lds family services counselling. You can both survive this but...both of you have some growing to do. If your wife is not willing to go for counselling, you go. Deep breath

I can feel your disappointment in your inlaws. Shrug. Many parents will always support their child. 

Both of you are at fault here. I would plan on learning new habits and new behaviours. A visit to the temple is a good idea.

Edited by Sunday21
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** Note: if you're ever thinking about taking your life, call the suicide hotline.  It's free and can work you through the crisis***

Counseling for both of you.  Now.

Counseling for marriage and communication.  Individual counseling for your clinical depression.  Now. 

If money for counseling is an issue, talk to your bishop.  Actually, talk to your bishop either way- you're both in the spiritual ER right now and need it.  Now.

Be prepared to have your world changed: you both need to learn completely new habits for marriage and individual life strategies.  Now.

Edited by Jane_Doe
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First off I would say to just chill.  The world isn't going to end in the next hour, day or week.  No matter how bad this seems-it too shall pass.  So take a big deep breath. If you need to release some energy, go to the gym and workout go for a run, go do your favorite hobby, etc. Do something to get your mind off of this for a bit.  

Now, there is a lot here so just calm down before it being addressed. So I'm going to approach this trying to give you a different perspective.  A possible perspective of your wife, it doesn't mean you or I agree with it-but an essential part of life is understanding another's point of view even when we don't agree with what they do. You've been together for 6 years, so that means basically since the time she was mature enough to date (~17) -you are the only man she has ever really got to know.  IMO it would not be a shock that after getting married she questions if she made the right decision (I don't have to agree with it to say that it doesn't surprise me or even that in some cases it might be a given). Especially if things have been a little rough.

Now you are both young and immature (why people use snapchat, I'll never know). Technology especially in a marriage can be a very dangerous thing.  It is way, way too easy in today's society for people to communicate with former Facebook flames, random strangers, etc. on the internet.  Even if one has a good moral standing-most of the rest of the world doesn't-so it is very easy to find someone to talk to during a rough period of time in a marriage.  That initial "innocent friend" or stranger can easily lead to something not innocent if one is not careful.

Now first off you stated that you worry that she will cheat or lie. The interesting thing about people and our expectations is that much of the time people will end up conforming to them.  If you think she will cheat or lie, then any instance in your mind that could be cheating will instantly be converted into is cheating.  So the first thing you must do if you want to save your marriage is to banish this idea that she will cheat or lie (you are unfairly setting her up to fail by doing that).

Now, unless you actually have a text or an e-mail from her to this man stating she would like a picture then all you have is a he said she said.  You wife says she didn't ask for it. He says she did.  If you have an initial approach that your wife lies about it-you will automatically assume she is lying about this. However, why would the dude lie?  Think about it.  If you just sent some random chick (or even some girl you barely met) a porno picture and this girls husband asks you about it, what would you say?  Obviously, you would say . . .well she wanted it and you would obviously say she said she wasn't married.  You are going to do everything you can to absolve yourself of any improper behavior . . .why??

Well, b/c if some random dude sent my wife a porno picture, there is a high likelihood I'm gonna be opening a can of youknowwhat on him!!!! 

So you can't trust what this random dude said, period, end of story.  You admit you're wife never opened the Snapchat, so it absolutely is plausible that your wife never solicited this from him and doesn't know him or barely knows him. It is possible your wife is telling the truth.  Unless there is further evidence you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

So what should you do.  You're wife may be cheating, but she may not be cheating . . . but if she isn't cheating this type of behavior could certainly drive her to cheating.

If you want to save your marriage, you really need to re-think your approach.

Unless there is more to this story, I would apologize profusely to me wife, admit what I did was wrong, stupid, that I should trust her more.  I would then say that as part of this we should both be more open about our technology use to each other.  That she should have come to you about this picture 1st, that by not being fully open with you it breeds mistrust, that you and her need to be more fully open about your communications with other individuals.

Now if you have other texts, or e-mails or snapchats of her seeking this type of stuff-that's a different ballgame.  But unless and until then, take this as a wake-up call that all is not right in your marriage and that if you don't drastically change the way both you and her approach it, bad things could happen.

Edited by yjacket
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@yjacket first off thanks to all of you for taking the time to respond to me. especially @yjacket. That's was a very genuine and well thought out reaponse and I promise you I will be using your advice. I'm going to do my best to give her the benefit of the doubt here.

She texted me this morning asking if we could talk next Sunday. That's a long time from now and I'm suffering inside not having her. You are correct we have been together since she was in highschool and I was in the military over seas. We have made a lot of sacrifices to be together. I don't want this to end. I will never marry again if that happens.

Her parents wouldn't believe me about anything I told them, although I do think they care about me. She supported me through so much. I just want her to be happy. We both live in Utah. She told me yesterday she is moving out and getting her own place. I have no friends  or family here and would like to move back to Colorado if she chooses to be alone which my put another strain on this relationship. I just want to thank you guys again for responding to someone you don't even know for free. Part of the reason I chose to join the church was because of how I saw members treat each other. I really don't want to lose her. I will keep you all updated in case anyone is wondering. 

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11 hours ago, Blockmichael90 said:

Hello everyone I will make this brief as possible and I will take ANY advice that helps save my marriage. 

Im a recent convert, my wife (gf at the time) had me investigate and I chose to join. We have been together for 6 years married for 1. She is 23 I am 26. Since getting married she has been doubting whether she made the right decision. She tells me she's depressed and unhappy. I am a person who worries about everything. I worry one day she will cheat or lie. My worst nightmare became my reality yesterday when I found a picture of another mans (you know what) on her snap chat. She struggled to take her phone before I could get. I went into a rage. I yelled I screamed i told her hurtful things, the worst part is I grabbed her shoulder and push her away from me a couple times to keep her from taking her phone back. I am devastated. She is the woman I trust and love and our history is deep and eventful. She is the reason I wake up. I love her more than anything in this world and I left appalled Speech less and in more pain than I could ever explain. Her parents do not believe she had been chatting with the man and had asked for any pictures from him. I confronted the man and he went on to tell me they had flirted and she said "I wouldn't mind getting a picture" she never opened the Snapchat from him I'm assuming out of guilt but she knew it was there. After a lot of yelling and crying and some physical contact and her phone getting broke in the process she has left to her parents. She explained to them she doesn't know the man and he sent that unexpectedly. She lied to them to keep her innocent image with her family. I talked to her father and explained that I talked to the man and verified my wife encouraged him. She even told him she wasn't married. He went on to tell me I should believe my wife only. EVEN THOUGH I CAUGHT HER red handed and confirmed this with the guy. I'm devastated she has left me and is moving out. She doesn't expect we will be together and I'm now feeling rather suicidal. Please help me anyone. 

Let's address the Suicidal issue first. Call the suicide hotline, or reach out to a family member or your Bishop as soon as you can.

Second, I'm going to give you a 50% discount on everything you told us.  This type of stuff does not happen in a vacuum so you might need to accept some responsibility for this failure in your relationship.  I am not excusing her behavior there is no excuse but a solid look in the mirror would not be remiss.

Call your wife go see a MFT.  You can discuss with your bishop if you want but he is not a MFT, unless of course there is some form of sin involved beyond an inappropriate picture.

Edited by omegaseamaster75
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Guest LiterateParakeet

I agree with the others.

First, why are you trusting the word of a strange man you don't know over that of your wife?  

Second, marriage counseling...

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I do agree with others about taking on some of the responsibility of how your relationship got to where it is now. At this point, is your wife willing to continue to work to save the marriage or has she already checked out? It can't be all one sided to repair the damage that has been done. From what you have stated, sounds like you are not fulfilling something in the marriage that she needs, wants and desires hence why she might be looking elsewhere to get her needs met. I'm not condoning what she's doing just stating why she might be looking outside the marriage.  Figure out what these needs, wants and/or desires are and start fulfilling them to the best of your ability. This is a great place to start working to save your marriage.  This is also what couples with great relationships do, make sure each other's needs, wants & desires are met.

I'll throw this out there too.  Trust in the relationship would have been lost long before you found the snap chat thread. Just a question for you that you don't have to reply with an answer, just food for thought. What broke the trust in your relationship earlier on? Figure out what that is and start working through it.

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I haven't read all the responses but a couple simple things I'd suggest...

1. You casually mentioned suicide - GET HELP FOR THAT. Reach out to a hotline or support group and talk to someone.

2. Keep your parents and her parents out of your personal life. Involving family and friends in these sort of things often makes life much more difficult. If you need a middleman, there are lots of resources to help with that, someone who is UNBIASED.

Good luck

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  • 3 months later...
13 minutes ago, Dillon said:

I would get a divorce. Many women lie, they lie a lot, but when they lie about the cheating you have to say thats it.  She will continue to cheat and lie about it.

Oh. My. Gosh. What is your problem??? Can you just not stop yourself from making false, generalized statements about women? Did you have a bad experience with dating women and now can't help yourself from making overgeneralized remarks about them? Your statement (while not helpful to the OP) could have easily been phrased "I would get a divorce. When people lie about cheating, you have to say that's it. She may continue to cheat and lie about it in the future." 

Doesn't that sound SO much better?? No, your OPINION about women is not needed her in this column. Your OPINION about how women act is not necessary to give this person advice concerning the issue they have posted about (which has already been very well addressed by others and really your comment wasn't needed or helpful). 

 

Edited by BeccaKirstyn
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54 minutes ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Oh. My. Gosh. What is your problem??? Can you just not stop yourself from making false, generalized statements about women? Did you have a bad experience with dating women and now can't help yourself from making overgeneralized remarks about them? Your statement (while not helpful to the OP) could have easily been phrased "I would get a divorce. When people lie about cheating, you have to say that's it. She may continue to cheat and lie about it in the future." 

Doesn't that sound SO much better?? No, your OPINION about women is not needed her in this column. Your OPINION about how women act is not necessary to give this person advice concerning the issue they have posted about (which has already been very well addressed by others and really your comment wasn't needed or helpful). 

 

"Now first off you stated that you worry that she will cheat or lie. The interesting thing about people and our expectations is that much of the time people will end up conforming to them.  If you think she will cheat or lie, then any instance in your mind that could be cheating will instantly be converted into is cheating.  So the first thing you must do if you want to save your marriage is to banish this idea that she will cheat or lie (you are unfairly setting her up to fail by doing that).

So you can't trust what this random dude said, period, end of story.  You admit you're wife never opened the Snapchat, so it absolutely is plausible that your wife never solicited this from him and doesn't know him or barely knows him. It is possible your wife is telling the truth.  Unless there is further evidence you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

So what should you do.  You're wife may be cheating, but she may not be cheating . . . but if she isn't cheating this type of behavior could certainly drive her to cheating."

 

Let me ask you something Beca, do you think this above from another poster is actually  good advice?  All this is says is women are perfect and would never do such a thing. Sometimes you just have to be blunt and honest with people or they will continue to be naive and tell themselves that its not happening.

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1 hour ago, Dillon said:

I would get a divorce. Many women lie, they lie a lot, but when they lie about the cheating you have to say thats it.  She will continue to cheat and lie about it.

Yay!  Dillon!  I see you used the word "many"!  That must mean we're having an effect on you.  That's a good thing.  

After your admirable "many", you unfortunately moved on to yet another unrighteously judgmental, obviously false-on-its-face statement "she will continue to cheat and lie about it".  But hey, baby steps, bro, baby steps.

 

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8 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Yay!  Dillon!  I see you used the word "many"!  That must mean we're having an effect on you.  That's a good thing.  

After your admirable "many", you unfortunately moved on to yet another unrighteously judgmental, obviously false-on-its-face statement "she will continue to cheat and lie about it".  But hey, baby steps, bro, baby steps.

 

I am learning, from my experience the women that can do it once usually do it again.  If the roles were reversed she would have all his stuff on the front lawn.

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1 hour ago, Dillon said:

I am learning, from my experience the women that can do it once usually do it again.  If the roles were reversed she would have all his stuff on the front lawn.

Dillon can you underline where you overgeneralized in the above post?  

Edited by Jane_Doe
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Dillon 1: "She will continue to cheat and lie about it."
Dillon 2: "
I am learning, from my experience the women that can do it once usually do it again."

Congrats on another baby step.  You added the phrase "from my experience", and the word "usually"!  Good job!

But again, just like your first comment here, you follow up your baby step with a new unrighteously judgmental, obviously false-on-its-face statement: "If the roles were reversed she would have all his stuff on the front lawn."

Ok.  If you choose to try again, see if you can try again, but this time, without the follow-on unrighteous nonsense.   For example, if you choose to say something like "I personally know two guys who lied to their wives about cheating, and both the wives kicked them out", then try to not follow it up with any blanket statement about women at all.  Just end your sentence with a period and then click "submit reply".   It would be another positive baby step.

Edited by NeuroTypical
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38 minutes ago, Dillon said:

"Now first off you stated that you worry that she will cheat or lie. The interesting thing about people and our expectations is that much of the time people will end up conforming to them.  If you think she will cheat or lie, then any instance in your mind that could be cheating will instantly be converted into is cheating.  So the first thing you must do if you want to save your marriage is to banish this idea that she will cheat or lie (you are unfairly setting her up to fail by doing that).

So you can't trust what this random dude said, period, end of story.  You admit you're wife never opened the Snapchat, so it absolutely is plausible that your wife never solicited this from him and doesn't know him or barely knows him. It is possible your wife is telling the truth.  Unless there is further evidence you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

So what should you do.  You're wife may be cheating, but she may not be cheating . . . but if she isn't cheating this type of behavior could certainly drive her to cheating."

 

Let me ask you something Beca, do you think this above from another poster is actually  good advice?  All this is says is women are perfect and would never do such a thing. Sometimes you just have to be blunt and honest with people or they will continue to be naive and tell themselves that its not happening.

Where does this imply that all women are perfect and would never cheat? And what are you being blunt and honest about? 

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Ok. I have had probably a dozen women cheat on me and of course that same dozen all denied it. I have literally read texts from another guy that said things like "I had a good time", "cant wait to see again"  he even referenced her as "baby". Ok this same girl, after me reading all this mind you, claimed she did not know the guy, LOL.  Now a dozen may seem like a lot but I have dated probably 75-100 women. So that is really a small percentage I guess. But out of the ones that did cheat, they continued to cheat, all  of them. So that is my experience. I have had my things thrown on the front lawn before, so that is my experience with that. The same one that threw the things on the lawn, was the same one that was cheating on me before I found out. When I guy gets confronted with cheating accusations, (well in my case) my stuff gets thrown out. When a woman, some women, gets caught they deny it. All of my  friends have been cheated on, of course all the girls denied it, and I know that all of the girls cheated more than once. So that is my experience and the experience with my friends.  So with that being said,  I think I can presume that most women that cheat continue to cheat. The women my friends and I have dated were all from this planet, so they cannot be any different than women elsewhere. So from all this experience, this is how I feel I can tell someone that your wife will more than likely continue to cheat, and of course will continue to deny it.

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45 minutes ago, Dillon said:

Ok. I have had probably a dozen women cheat on me and of course that same dozen all denied it. I have literally read texts from another guy that said things like "I had a good time", "cant wait to see again"  he even referenced her as "baby". Ok this same girl, after me reading all this mind you, claimed she did not know the guy, LOL.  Now a dozen may seem like a lot but I have dated probably 75-100 women. So that is really a small percentage I guess. But out of the ones that did cheat, they continued to cheat, all  of them. So that is my experience. I have had my things thrown on the front lawn before, so that is my experience with that. The same one that threw the things on the lawn, was the same one that was cheating on me before I found out. When I guy gets confronted with cheating accusations, (well in my case) my stuff gets thrown out. When a woman, some women, gets caught they deny it. All of my  friends have been cheated on, of course all the girls denied it, and I know that all of the girls cheated more than once. So that is my experience and the experience with my friends.  So with that being said,  I think I can presume that most women that cheat continue to cheat. The women my friends and I have dated were all from this planet, so they cannot be any different than women elsewhere. So from all this experience, this is how I feel I can tell someone that your wife will more than likely continue to cheat, and of course will continue to deny it.

75-100 women?  Wow.  I assume that excludes women you just went on one or two casual dates with, without forming any sort of relationship that would give rise to a reasonable expectation of exclusivity.  So assuming each relationship lasted an average of two months, that's 12-16 years of your life!

And, you imply you've been thrown out multiple times--meaning you've cohabited with women on multiple occasions?

Sounds to me like either you're wildly exaggerating your experiences; you've spent way too much time with women who give it up way too easily; or you've taken most of your lessons about women from the pickup artist community and/or naughty internet videos.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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1 hour ago, Dillon said:

 Now a dozen may seem like a lot but I have dated probably 75-100 women.

75-100 women later and you think the problem is the women?  Maybe, just maybe, YOU are the problem?  Like, maybe if you stop being a woman-hater that might help?

Edited by anatess2
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@Dillon 75-100 Dates does not seem like a lot to me. 75-100 relationships I call horse dootie.  If by cheating you mean they dated you one night and the next night dated another guy and tried to spare your feelings by telling a white lie......that's not cheating.

Now that I think about it, you may need to meet with your bishop about some latent desires you may have and are fighting against. It's better to get these things out in the open instead of channeling your self hate toward members of the opposite sex.

Edited by omegaseamaster75
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11 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

@Dillon 75-100 Dates does not seem like a lot to me. 75-100 relationships I call horse dootie.  If by cheating you mean they dated you one night and the next night dated another guy and tried to spare your feelings by telling a white lie......that's not cheating.

Now that I think about it, you may need to meet with your bishop about some latent desires you may have and are fighting against. It's better to get these things out in the open instead of channeling your self hate toward members of the opposite sex.

Why do you call horse dootie on 75-100 relationships?  I suppose it depends on what he considers a relationship.  

How old are you Dillon?  Are you LDS?

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4 hours ago, Dillon said:

Ok. I have had probably a dozen women cheat on me and of course that same dozen all denied it. I have literally read texts from another guy that said things like "I had a good time", "cant wait to see again"  he even referenced her as "baby". Ok this same girl, after me reading all this mind you, claimed she did not know the guy, LOL.  Now a dozen may seem like a lot but I have dated probably 75-100 women. So that is really a small percentage I guess. But out of the ones that did cheat, they continued to cheat, all  of them. So that is my experience. I have had my things thrown on the front lawn before, so that is my experience with that. The same one that threw the things on the lawn, was the same one that was cheating on me before I found out. When I guy gets confronted with cheating accusations, (well in my case) my stuff gets thrown out. When a woman, some women, gets caught they deny it. All of my  friends have been cheated on, of course all the girls denied it, and I know that all of the girls cheated more than once. So that is my experience and the experience with my friends.  So with that being said,  I think I can presume that most women that cheat continue to cheat. The women my friends and I have dated were all from this planet, so they cannot be any different than women elsewhere. So from all this experience, this is how I feel I can tell someone that your wife will more than likely continue to cheat, and of course will continue to deny it.

Just from reading your posts, I think you might be a few steps away from a normal, healthy relationship for the foreseeable future. Your views on women were offensive at first, now they are borderline disturbing. 

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7 hours ago, Dillon said:

I would get a divorce. Many women lie, they lie a lot, but when they lie about the cheating you have to say thats it.  She will continue to cheat and lie about it.

You definitely have some axe to grind when it comes to women and teenage girls.  I don't think I've ever seen anyone post so much negativity towards women as you have.  

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