My love life has been a failure!


Recommended Posts

I'm 25 years old, male, and I've never really dated any mormons out there. I've dated outside non-members but I know I have to adjust to mormon standards to be able to be accepted socially. I feel that I have been a failure in my love life. I feel that no woman wants me. I'm too introverted, insecure, and unconfident. I don't think I am good enough, I don't think I have the face to be in a relationship. In fact, I think I'm just a potato! I'm nothing special. God made me a potato. I'm not handsome or anything like that. But I really want to get married someday. I have plans to have kids with my future wife, raise a family, take care of my wife and family,  I'm not in a hurry or anything, but I'm getting old! at 25, I should be married. The mormon church is very confusing because they don't really teach us how to "approach", "flirt", etc...

I'm afraid I will be forever alone

Help? How do I even start at dating?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First, you need to change your perception!  Even if you don't voice these things to others, people can pick up on your negative vibe and it would be a turn off.  You need to start telling yourself that you are enough, that you are special, that you are confident and that a woman will want you.  Also, 25 is not old and fwiw, I wouldn't say I'm great at flirting and I'm married so that obviously isn't something you need to worry about.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, curious_mormon said:

I'm 25 years old, male, and I've never really dated any mormons out there. I've dated outside non-members but I know I have to adjust to mormon standards to be able to be accepted socially. I feel that I have been a failure in my love life. I feel that no woman wants me. I'm too introverted, insecure, and unconfident. I don't think I am good enough, I don't think I have the face to be in a relationship. In fact, I think I'm just a potato! I'm nothing special. God made me a potato. I'm not handsome or anything like that. But I really want to get married someday. I have plans to have kids with my future wife, raise a family, take care of my wife and family,  I'm not in a hurry or anything, but I'm getting old! at 25, I should be married. The mormon church is very confusing because they don't really teach us how to "approach", "flirt", etc...

I'm afraid I will be forever alone

Help? How do I even start at dating?

I remember the summer I turned 23.  I had been back from my mission for about 2 years.  I had not yet kissed a girl, and I had never been in a real relationship.  I went on two dates with this one girl, and it ended very badly for me (she dumped me by email), and then I asked out another girl who wanted nothing to do with me (and, I later found out, helped induce the first girl to dump me... Have to love the drama in the singles ward!)  Needless to say, my dating life was not just bad - it was hilariously bad.

I was feeling kind of like you, that I was unattractive and that I was never going to get this marriage thing off the ground.

One night, I went on a jog.  I decided to set a goal for myself, that within 5 years, by the time I turned 28, I would somehow, some way, kiss a girl... Even if it meant moving to BYU.

A month later, I quite suddenly began dating my future wife.  I got my first kiss, and soon we were one of a very, very few couples dating within our singles ward.  I wound up married two weeks shy of turning 24.

I know how you feel - I was there!  But don't get discouraged.  Things can change very quickly and suddenly and unexpectedly in this area of life.  It is not uncommon - people like us can have no success in relationships for years and years, then suddenly and out of the blue, everything falls into place.  Keep on trying, stay worthy, and have faith that it will happen, because it will.  I know - I was in your exact position ten years ago!

Edited by DoctorLemon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

From a never married sister who spent seven years in Singles Wards outside of UT....

First, focus more on being the kind of person you want to marry instead of trying to find the person you want to marry. The insecurity and lack of confidence are more off putting than the introversion. Especially at 25. You've had plenty of time to get to know and like yourself. I suggest starting there. Find something about yourself that you like, and reflect on it daily. Maybe it's the way your eyes crinkle when you smile, maybe you're a talented singer, maybe you have a knack for cutting paper in a straight line. If you can't find something, go out and get one. Learn to play the ukulele, build a bicycle from parts, make an effort to dispense at least one compliment a day.

Second, so what if you're a potato? They're actually pretty versatile as a food, not to mention economic and tasty. "There's a lid for every pot," they say. President Hinckley said, "Most kids turn out to be just people."

Third, don't depend on the Church (or anyone else) to solve your dating problems. Singles Wards/activities are NOT meet markets. 

Fourth, don't become discouraged or bitter. You'll end up being your own worst enemy. Trust me.

Fifth, just call up a girl and ask her to dinner or for a walk in the park.There was a guy in my singles ward who literally went down the roll and took each active and unattached girl on a date. It was awkward as all get out the first time through (yes, he went through more than once, and I was one of the first) but I really admired him for his efforts. Unfortunately, it didn't work out for us, as (along with other things) I found out on our date his second time through that he doesn't listen to music. At all. Until he said that, I hadn't realized how important it was to me. I wish I had kept in better contact with him because I'm convinced he'd be perfect for a friend of mine.

Sixth, don't let your goal of marriage get in the way of your dating. What I mean by that is, don't get ahead of yourself. Have you ever played Frogger? Trying to marry someone when you aren't actively trying to date anybody is like crossing the stream before the street.

 

Sorry if I said too much or came off like a drill seargant. Best of luck. If you're ever in the Midwest, let me know, and I'll see if I can't set you up with at least a practice date to keep your skills fresh.

Edited by seashmore
To fix the Frogger analogy
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, curious_mormon said:

I'm 25 years old, male, and I've never really dated any mormons out there. I've dated outside non-members but I know I have to adjust to mormon standards to be able to be accepted socially. I feel that I have been a failure in my love life. I feel that no woman wants me. I'm too introverted, insecure, and unconfident. I don't think I am good enough, I don't think I have the face to be in a relationship. In fact, I think I'm just a potato! I'm nothing special. God made me a potato. I'm not handsome or anything like that. But I really want to get married someday. I have plans to have kids with my future wife, raise a family, take care of my wife and family,  I'm not in a hurry or anything, but I'm getting old! at 25, I should be married. The mormon church is very confusing because they don't really teach us how to "approach", "flirt", etc...

I'm afraid I will be forever alone

Help? How do I even start at dating?

By focusing on being a good disciple of Christ.  Practice kindness, forgiveness, treating your body like it's a temple, charity, etc.  It's not about being a good "flirter", but about bing a good disciple.  

(PS: anyone who thinks potatoes aren't special needs to see "The Martian")

Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, curious_mormon said:

I feel that I have been a failure in my love life. I feel that no woman wants me. I'm too introverted, insecure, and unconfident. I don't think I am good enough, I don't think I have the face to be in a relationship. In fact, I think I'm just a potato! I'm nothing special. God made me a potato. I'm not handsome or anything like that.

You're feeling things that are perfectly normal.  In fact, I'd be quite disturbed if, instead, you said,"Hey! What's up with all the women?  I'm pretty handsome.  I've got my mojo working.  I'm always large and in charge.  Heck, I'm God's gift to women.  What is wrong with these women who don't recognize that?"

Yeah, I'd tell my daughter to run like the Flash away from that guy.

I used to think I was unattractive.  Even when I got married to the most beautiful woman in the world, I just figured people were always saying behind my back,"How'd he score so big?"  Nope, I was simply blessed by having the Lord put blinders on such a woman just long enough to marry me.

But a couple of years ago, I happened to look at our wedding album.  I saw what I looked like back then.  I was a pretty good looking kid.  Why didn't I see that?

The fact that you're humble means that you're something that God can work with.  Remain humble.  But humble does not mean "self-loathing".  Just remember that through God all things are possible.  Have faith.  And things will work out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest MormonGator
3 hours ago, my two cents said:

Had another thought - Instead of practicing flirting, practice good manners!  This is a dying art so it will get noticed and help you stand out (in a good way).

 

11 hours ago, my two cents said:

First, you need to change your perception!  Even if you don't voice these things to others, people can pick up on your negative vibe and it would be a turn off.  You need to start telling yourself that you are enough, that you are special, that you are confident and that a woman will want you.  Also, 25 is not old and fwiw, I wouldn't say I'm great at flirting and I'm married so that obviously isn't something you need to worry about.  

Wonderful advice. @my two cents knocks it out of the park with these. 

You need to do exactly what @my two cents does. You'll notice that the most popular people are the ones that are friendly, confident, and fun to be around. If you wallow in self pity, are sad and whine (not saying you do that, generic "you") you really shouldn't wonder why you are unpopular. 

Edited by MormonGator
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I used to think and feel a lot like you did and I thank God I didn't meet my wife until after I got past that.  I probably would have never made it to the first date.  If you depend on some outside source of validation then you are a prisoner to others and if you were to get into a relationship in that state you would be her slave and it would not last.  You would not hold her respect and it would fall apart.

The only true and lasting source of confidence is in your relationship with God.  He doesn't see you as a potato, do you really think you know better than Him?  Do you really know in your heart that He knows you personally and loves you, because when you really know that it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks or says.  Those negative thoughts about yourself don't come from God, so guess where they do come from.

Instead of trying to find 'the one' focus on being the one that others want to find.  Are you active in the church, do you pray regularly and really talk with God rather than treat prayer like some form of voice mail.  Pray for help in seeing yourself as He sees you.  Do you read the scriptures, serve others, fulfill your callings, do your priesthood duties?  Do you have misdeeds you need to repent of, habits you need to change?  Focus on that, get right with God and when you are ready he will bring you together with one of his daughters that is right for you, who will love you and you will love back.  You don't need lots of girls to want you, you only need one, and you need God to arrange the meeting so show him you are ready and worthy to be a companion to one of his daughters.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is there a woman in your ward with a soft heart and a sharp tongue? Could you make friends? A lot of lds women love a project. You could ask for a few tips. In my ward when I was a teenager there was a young  man with the worst breath I have ever encountered. He wanted to marry me (I was way too young and I knew it) I never could tell him about the breath thing. I know this chap now and he had the breath fixed. Maybe there is something that needs to be changed? If you make friends with some of the women and talk to God, perhaps you can make a change. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Flirting is overrated. The trick, I found, when in my singles Ward, was to just be friendly. Say, "hi."  Make positive comments about the lesson or about the General Conference talks. Be genuine. Tell people "it's good to see you". Give some true compliments, such as "I appreciated your testimony", "I enjoyed your lesson", etc.  Go to the activities. Just by doing that I had more dates than I ever imagined, because, like you, I also had insecurities. Looking back, the reason (I think) I had plenty of dates was because I was "safe". The young men weren't afraid of being "shot down" by me. I had been friendly to them.  They knew who I was because I had talked to them and I was genuinely interested in them.

Twenty-five isn't all that old. If you feel you aren't all that interesting, then do something to change that. Do some fun things, like learning to play an instrument. You're never too old to learn something new.  I'm in my sixties now, and I'm going to start guitar lessons.  Perhaps, you could find a few people who would like to hike some trails with you. Find something that interests you and learn that new skill. You might find a hidden talent you never knew you had. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, classylady said:

Flirting is overrated. The trick, I found, when in my singles Ward, was to just be friendly. Say, "hi."  Make positive comments about the lesson or about the General Conference talks. Be genuine. Tell people "it's good to see you". Give some true compliments, such as "I appreciated your testimony", "I enjoyed your lesson", etc.  Go to the activities. Just by doing that I had more dates than I ever imagined, because, like you, I also had insecurities. Looking back, the reason (I think) I had plenty of dates was because I was "safe". The young men weren't afraid of being "shot down" by me. I had been friendly to them.  They knew who I was because I had talked to them and I was genuinely interested in them.

Twenty-five isn't all that old. If you feel you aren't all that interesting, then do something to change that. Do some fun things, like learning to play an instrument. You're never too old to learn something new.  I'm in my sixties now, and I'm going to start guitar lessons.  Perhaps, you could find a few people who would like to hike some trails with you. Find something that interests you and learn that new skill. You might find a hidden talent you never knew you had. 

This brings out another good point: women who are complaining about not having dates in the singles ward, are you being kind to those who are expressing interest?

Back when I was in the singles ward, I often saw women whine and complain about not getting dates, then I saw these very same women act very unkindly towards men showing any interest.  I myself suffered this ill treatment on two different occasions, leading to a great deal of gossip and public humiliation on my part for the crime of showing interest in a girl in the singles' ward.  It was very disheartening to get back from a mission and want to date a little, only to find that many of the "women" in the singles ward were still stuck in high school.

I am not saying you have to say yes to any man who asks you out.  Obviously, you would not want to say yes to someone who you do not feel safe around, or who would not uphold high standards.  But even if you are not interested, you should at least be kind in saying "no".

Sad to say, I think at least some women contribute greatly to their own inability to find a righteous priesthood holder for a husband.

Edited by DoctorLemon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 6/1/2017 at 5:15 PM, my two cents said:

First, you need to change your perception!  Even if you don't voice these things to others, people can pick up on your negative vibe and it would be a turn off.  You need to start telling yourself that you are enough, that you are special, that you are confident and that a woman will want you.  Also, 25 is not old and fwiw, I wouldn't say I'm great at flirting and I'm married so that obviously isn't something you need to worry about.  

All these positive affirmations and encouraging words are great but will be forgotten the second the OP walks away from his computer.

The secret is to change his self beliefs that reside in his subconscious. You see our subconscious is the database that holds millions of programs and files that make up our physical and mental being. Most of the programs were written into our subconc. while we were growing up between the ages of 0-7yr old.

Dr Bruce Lipton explains it pretty impressively in his book: biology of belief, backed by his scientific research as a cellular biologist he is quoted as saying that the movie "the matrix" was a documentary and not just a sci-fi movie. His new book, the honeymoon effect, goes more into the human subconscious behaviors 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQa0IOjEt3k

Dr Bruces research on human cells and energy is the foundation for Rob Williams therapeutic technique called "psych-k", rewriting those limiting beliefs files in our subconscious.

part1 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRa8K4f4PHc
part2 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeMgy_wpils

My wife and I took a two day "psych-k" workshop https://www.psych-k.com/ from a certified psych-K teacher, Rita Soman she is based out of Oregon. In those two days we learned how to rewrite our own self beliefs and now me and my wife are also certified to perform the method on family and friends but most importanly, each other. My wife is a family & marriage therapist and she said she learned more in those two days about how to help others then she did in her two years of MBA schooling. I encourage everyone to watch the three youtube links I posted above.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, classylady said:

Flirting is overrated. The trick, I found, when in my singles Ward, was to just be friendly.

Truth . . . rather than learn how to flirt, learn how to be a good person.  A good person will be friendly, complimentary, helpful, etc.  Flirting isn't about pick-up lines or dopey catch phrases-it's about genuinely being complimentary.  Besides most "normal" flirting in this modern world ends up having some sort of sexual innuendo and if the girl you are trying to date is into that stuff do you really want to be dating her???? 

Most good flirting (i.e. the non-sexual innuendo type) really just comes down to being comfortable and playing around (i.e. having a good sense of humor).  We do it all the time with people we know and love, except we don't call it flirting b/c we know them, they know us and we don't have an ulterior motive-we just want to enjoy the other person's company.  

The best thing you can do is just to be comfortable in your own skin-that principle works not just in the dating game for for all sorts of "games"-it works in the political arena, it works for work, networking, business,etc.  We don't call it flirting in the other areas b/c the intent isn't to date, the intent is to develop a business relationship, to get a job, to get a promotion etc.  But ultimately, you've got to be comfortable and confident in your own skin.  

You find in live that sometimes (many times) your personality doesn't match up with the business relationship you are trying to develop or the network or the job, or whatever. In those instances,you just accept the loss, learn from it (if you can) and move on-there is always another opportunity, another relationship, another whatever.

Then the only way you really get good at it is through practice . . .some people just have a natural talent and knack-but most of us have to practice and the only way to practice, i.e. to be comfortable in your own skin is to just simply do it-no amount of reading, studying, etc. will ever make up for just doing it.  So no matter how many times you get shot down, you just keep working at it, find a girl you're interested in ask her out on a date and then just learn and be introspective.  

Don't ask her "what did I do right or what did I do wrong", no one is going to tell you-sometimes you've just got to learn it on your own.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, my two cents said:

@priesthoodpower - My point was that self-talk matters.

my post was meant to add and not subtract from your post. Self talk in the conscious state of mind does not turn into a belief, self talk matters when it becomes a habitual belief in the subconscious mind. Hopefully the videos explain it better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

This brings out another good point: women who are complaining about not having dates in the singles ward, are you being kind to those who are expressing interest?

Back when I was in the singles ward, I often saw women whine and complain about not getting dates, then I saw these very same women act very unkindly towards men showing any interest. 

I am not saying you have to say yes to any man who asks you out.  Obviously, you would not want to say yes to someone who you do not feel safe around, or who would not uphold high standards.  But even if you are not interested, you should at least be kind in saying "no".

Sad to say, I think at least some women contribute greatly to their own inability to find a righteous priesthood holder for a husband.

This drove.me.nuts, even as a woman. I wanted to throttle them. I can only imagine how awful the guys felt sitting behind the girls whining there are no guys to go out with. Of course, our ward literally had a 3:1 RS:EQ. I did the math once. Made me feel a lot better about not having any dates.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share