Going through growing pains in my young Mormon faith

[chasingthewind]

I've been a member of the LDS church for a few months and I am starting to experience some growing pains in my faith that have to do with the church’s emphasis on marriage and family.   

I find it overwhelming to seriously consider the possibility of getting married and starting a family.  Pretty much everything about it overwhelms me – the choice of a spouse, getting married in the temple, being a father, raising kids, etc.

I guess my first concern has to do with my lack of desire for marriage and kids.  I've just never had a desire for marriage/children.  In fact, I have been pretty anti-marriage and anti-family for most of my life since I've always viewed wives/children as distractions from serving God. 

Another concern has to do with me being the only one on both sides of my family who is a Mormon, which means no one in my family will be able to attend my wedding.  Not only does it deeply sadden me to think of my own parents being excluded from attending my wedding, I also think there’s a very real chance this will turn off my family from the church for good.  I think this will alienate me from both sides of my family forever - not fun.  I am also facing alienation of another kind from women at the church when I bring up the suggestion of doing a civil marriage instead of a temple marriage.  Most girls I've dated so far just aren't open the possibility of a civil marriage.  So either way I'm facing alienation - either from my family for a temple marriage or dating partners for suggesting the possibility of a civil marriage.

Another concern has to do with the burden of being constantly concerned about the salvation of others.  I find it overwhelming to be (partly) responsible for the salvation of my current family members and future spouse/children.  I don’t want their salvation to depend on my proselytizing abilities (my proselytizing abilities are dreadful, btw).  It is stressful enough to worry about my own salvation.  I can’t imagine having to constantly worry about my family, spouse, and children’s salvation as well.  I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind.  The prospects for converting my current family members will be pretty grim once they're excluded from my wedding.  And what the salvation of my future kids?  What happens if I end up with a bunch of Laman/Lemuel-types as my kids?

Basically, I just feel so overwhelmed right now and I don’t have anywhere else to vent.  I don't feel ready for any of this.  I guess the main problem here is I’ve always been a very independent person who likes doing everything on their own.  But the Mormon faith just doesn’t allow you to do that.  There are certain things you can’t do by yourself – like marriage and family – and I’m starting to question whether this faith is really for me…

Edited June 19, 2017 by chasingthewind

[Guest]

1 hour ago, chasingthewind said:

I've been a member of the LDS church for a few months and I am starting to experience some growing pains in my faith that have to do with the church’s emphasis on marriage and family.   

I find it overwhelming to seriously consider the possibility of getting married and starting a family.  Pretty much everything about it overwhelms me – the choice of a spouse, getting married in the temple, being a father, raising kids, etc.

I guess my first concern has to do with my lack of desire for marriage and kids.  I've just never had a desire for marriage/children.  In fact, I have been pretty anti-marriage and anti-family for most of my life since I've always viewed wives/children as distractions from serving God. 

Another concern has to do with me being the only one on both sides of my family who is a Mormon, which means no one in my family will be able to attend my wedding.  Not only does it deeply sadden me to think of my own parents being excluded from attending my wedding, I also think there’s a very real chance this will turn off my family from the church for good.  I think this will alienate me from both sides of my family forever - not fun.  I am also facing alienation of another kind from women at the church when I bring up the suggestion of doing a civil marriage instead of a temple marriage.  Most girls I've dated so far just aren't open the possibility of a civil marriage.  So either way I'm facing alienation - either from my family for a temple marriage or dating partners for suggesting the possibility of a civil marriage.

Another concern has to do with the burden of being constantly concerned about the salvation of others.  I find it overwhelming to be (partly) responsible for the salvation of my current family members and future spouse/children.  I don’t want their salvation to depend on my proselytizing abilities (my proselytizing abilities are dreadful, btw).  It is stressful enough to worry about my own salvation.  I can’t imagine having to constantly worry about my family, spouse, and children’s salvation as well.  I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind.  The prospects for converting my current family members will be pretty grim once they're excluded from my wedding.  And what the salvation of my future kids?  What happens if I end up with a bunch of Laman/Lemuel-types as my kids?

Basically, I just feel so overwhelmed right now and I don’t have anywhere else to vent.  I don't feel ready for any of this.  I guess the main problem here is I’ve always been a very independent person who likes doing everything on their own.  But the Mormon faith just doesn’t allow you to do that.  There are certain things you can’t do by yourself – like marriage and family – and I’m starting to question whether this faith is really for me…

Deep breaths!  Easy does it!

Not sure you want a family?  I am not sure I ever had an "overwhelming" desire for a family myself . . . until I met my wife, that is, and realized I was in love with her.  When you meet someone you truly love, you will want to take the step to secure her for eternity through eternal marriage.  As for children, they are probably years away - you will be ready when they come.  For now, just be open to going on dates and see where things lead.

As for weddings, your family can participate in your wedding.  The temple ceremony is only a small part of the marriage.  You can also do a ring ceremony and/or reception and invite everyone, if you would like.  You could make it look just like an ordinary wedding.  Perhaps that would help smooth things over?

As for the burden of being constantly concerned about the salvation of others?  Don't let this overwhelm you.  Just look for small openings to do some good.  See a good opportunity for a gospel discussion?  Take it!  See a chance to do some service for someone who knows you are a Mormon?  Take it!  You don't have to put everyone on "five year conversion plans" or anything like that.  Just take whatever small steps you can.

Small steps, my friend.  Small steps.

Edited June 19, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[my two cents]

Since you've only been a member for such a short time, I suggest you put your concerns on the back burner for now and just focus on your testimony. Take things line upon line, precept upon precept and don't worry about those issues you mentioned right now.  

[person0]

25 minutes ago, chasingthewind said:

I’m starting to question whether this faith is really for me…

Have you received a witness from the Holy Ghost testifying of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon?  If not, that is 100% okay, however, you definitely want to start there, in seeking and receiving that.  Whatever personal assurances you have of the truthfulness of the gospel (as presented in the LDS Church) will always be a source to rely on for strength.  Building that personal testimony of the truthfulness of the restored gospel should be priority number 1.  Eventually, your perception of everything else should fall into place as long as you don't harden your heart against it.

Regarding your other concerns, there are few here who would not highly value eternal (temple) marriage, and families.  My father, who is Muslim, did not speak to me for three years following my marriage (however, I was initially told it was going to be forever).  This was not because he couldn't attend, but because he felt that there was no longer a real hope that I would ever convert to Islam.  My wife and I are unable to have our own children and eventually decided to foster/adopt.  I would never have been able to make these significant life decisions without a strong testimony of the restored gospel.

The truth is the truth, there is nothing you or I or anyone else can do to change it.  Either the commandments you have asked about are true, or the are not.  Each of us must determine this for ourselves.  It is not really a decision, more so preparation and revelation.  God will tell you if it's what he wants for you or not, and in His time.  Focus on your testimony and things will fall in line as they should.  For all you know, you may never be called to marry in this life anyway, or, God may bestow upon you a drastic change of heart and you will actively start to desire and seek it.

[SynjynXandria]

Lots of members never get married for lots of different reasons, and that's okay.

Lots of members never have kids for lots of different reasons, and that's okay too.

Be a kind, helpful person. Leave yourself open to what may come in the future. Things will work out.

Edited June 19, 2017 by SynjynXandria

[Guest]

12 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

Another concern has to do with the burden of being constantly concerned about the salvation of others.  I find it overwhelming to be (partly) responsible for the salvation of my current family members and future spouse/children.

You're not.  You're responsible for you and your efforts.  Part of that is how much effort you put into proselyting activities.  But in the end, salvation is always going to be between an individual and the Lord.

12 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

Basically, I just feel so overwhelmed right now and I don’t have anywhere else to vent.  I don't feel ready for any of this.  I guess the main problem here is I’ve always been a very independent person who likes doing everything on their own.  But the Mormon faith just doesn’t allow you to do that.  There are certain things you can’t do by yourself – like marriage and family – and I’m starting to question whether this faith is really for me…

It is a very enticing thing to consider the "freedom" of being single all your life and never having to be responsible for other people.  Being married does require sacrifice.  Being a parent requires sacrifice.  Sacrifice is always a part of salvation.  It is not a matter of whether this faith is for you, it is simply an eternal truth.

The question you've got to ask yourself is: Are you willing to do what it takes for salvation?  Or are you desiring to follow wordly pursuits and ambitions instead of eternal ambitions?

Consider Luke 16, the parable of the unjust steward: https://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/luke/16.3?lang=eng#2

The meaning of the parable is:  As greedy as mankind is for money and the things of this world, the children of light should be just as greedy for salvation and the things of the next world.  

Are you greedy for the things of the next world?  Do you hunger and thirst after righteousness?

[Guest MormonGator]

14 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

Basically, I just feel so overwhelmed right now and I don’t have anywhere else to vent.  I don't feel ready for any of this.

I know exactly how you feel-it can certainly be overwhelming to join the church and you feel like you can't talk to anyone because you are afraid that they'll take it the wrong way. You also feel like you have nothing in common with them. As silly as it sounds, remember to take a deep breath, relax, and try your best to have faith in God and in the church. Eventually relationships in the church will form and you'll find someone you can confide in. Hopefully that'll form into  friendship where you feel open enough to discuss things with them. 

In my view, it's up to members who have been here a long time to bend over backwards to make new converts feel comfortable and welcomed. We (members) have absolutely no right to complain about convert retention if we don't make people feel welcome.  The burden is on us (members) 95%. New converts need to do 5%. 

Edited June 19, 2017 by MormonGator

[Jane_Doe]

16 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

I guess my first concern has to do with my lack of desire for marriage and kids.  I've just never had a desire for marriage/children.  In fact, I have been pretty anti-marriage and anti-family for most of my life since I've always viewed wives/children as distractions from serving God. 

Marriage: Well naturally you're not going to want to get married to anyone yet, as you've not become involved with your spouse-to-be yet.  It's completely natural to not want to be married yet when you haven't met that person.  If it is to be, those things will come in time.  Same with any possible kids (and no one is ever ready for that).

Also, why would you think serving a spouse and developing that deep love/forgiveness/humility would "distract" you from God?

16 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

Another concern has to do with me being the only one on both sides of my family who is a Mormon, which means no one in my family will be able to attend my wedding.  Not only does it deeply sadden me to think of my own parents being excluded from attending my wedding, I also think there’s a very real chance this will turn off my family from the church for good.  I think this will alienate me from both sides of my family forever - not fun.  I am also facing alienation of another kind from women at the church when I bring up the suggestion of doing a civil marriage instead of a temple marriage.  Most girls I've dated so far just aren't open the possibility of a civil marriage.  So either way I'm facing alienation - either from my family for a temple marriage or dating partners for suggesting the possibility of a civil marriage.

{Note: worrying about this whole thing is you borrowing trouble and totally unnecessary.  Cross these bridges when they come.  But still I typed this up, so I'll post it}

 

(Side rant here) I really dislike the term "temple marriage" vs "civil marriage".  That's just not proper theology.

-- When you get married (in the temple or anywhere else) you will get civilly married-- aka a marriage which is acknowledged by civil law.  Both a "temple marriage" and "civil marriage" fulfill the requirements of being civilly married.  

-- Now, in regards to getting sealed: that is a different thing.  That is a priesthood ordinance of God, not a civil document.  You may get sealed right when you get married (in the temple), or you can do it later.  

-- Also note: a sealing in the temple involves practically zero civil-wedding traditions.  No one walks the bride down the aisle (there is no aisle).  You don't eat cake in the temple or throw bouquets.  You don't exchange your personal vows or wings in the temple.  Etc.  Rather, the sealer recites the sealing ordinance.  

 

Practically what-to-do speaking, you got a couple of options (I'm going off the idea that both you and your spouse are the only members in your family)

1) In the temple, get civilly married and sealed on the same day.  Then go have a ring ceremony and reception where bride walks down the aisle, you say your personal vows, exchange rings, eat cake, etc.  All on the same day.  

2) Get married civilly first-  bride walks down the aisle, you say your personal vows, exchange rings, eat cake, etc.  Then later get sealed in the temple.  

3) Some other combinations of the above which I can't think of right now...

16 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

Another concern has to do with the burden of being constantly concerned about the salvation of others.  I find it overwhelming to be (partly) responsible for the salvation of my current family members and future spouse/children.  I don’t want their salvation to depend on my proselytizing abilities (my proselytizing abilities are dreadful, btw).  It is stressful enough to worry about my own salvation.  I can’t imagine having to constantly worry about my family, spouse, and children’s salvation as well.  I'm pretty sure I would lose my mind.  The prospects for converting my current family members will be pretty grim once they're excluded from my wedding.  And what the salvation of my future kids?  What happens if I end up with a bunch of Laman/Lemuel-types as my kids?

Stop right there: you are NOT responsible for anyone else's salvation besides your own.  

If the opportunity prevents itself, you may share some of the Gospel message with someone else, but then what they do with it is entirely up to them.  They have to work out their salvation with the Lord by accepting Him.  Their salvation depends on their willingness to follow Him.  You proselytizing isn't going to convince anyone- no one's ever does.  Rather people are convicted by the Holy Ghost-- He testifies of Truth to that person, and He's freaking awesome at it (if they choose to listen).  We humans suck at it.  We're not a member of the Godhead.  We just share and let our light shine, because that's who we are: light filled people.  

Do NOT waste your time and energy focusing on the salvation of someone else.  That's not your department.  Your department is being the best disciple of Christ you can be. 

16 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

  What happens if I end up with a bunch of Laman/Lemuel-types as my kids?

I'll let you in on a little secret: no matter how awesome of a parent you'll be, Heavenly Father was the 9999999999999 times better.  And He had a 1/3 of His kids flat out rebel.  Kids rebelling is part of them having agency to choose.  It's not a reflection of "it's my fault for being a bad parent".

16 hours ago, chasingthewind said:

 I guess the main problem here is I’ve always been a very independent person who likes doing everything on their own.  But the Mormon faith just doesn’t allow you to do that. 

Nope: we do everything with Jesus Christ at each of our backs (individually and collectively).  Not just you by yourself- cause that's doomed for a nose-dive.

 

 

 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, MormonGator said:

I know exactly how you feel-it can certainly be overwhelming to join the church and you feel like you can't talk to anyone because you are afraid that they'll take it the wrong way. You also feel like you have nothing in common with them.

In my view, it's up to members who have been here a long time to bend over backwards to make new converts feel comfortable and welcomed. We (members) have absolutely no right to complain about convert retention if we don't make people feel welcome.  The burden is on us (members) 95%. New converts need to do 5%. 

@chasingthewind,

I didn't really get this from your initial post, but... If you're feeling what @MormonGator indicates here, I'd like to let you know that it is somewhat the same on the other side as well.

When we see a new member in the ward, we don't know how to approach them.  Will one wrong word get them offended and make them never want to come back?  What a worrisome thing that I might be the one to says one wrong word.  And that person loses his will to be part of the ward family.  I really don't want that on my conscience.  

I try to be very friendly.  But a couple of times my "friendliness" was seen as too friendly or even artificial.  That really upset some people and made them never want to talk to me again.  Other times I tried to be more reserved in my friendliness and people thought I was afraid of them.  That put them off.  I smiled a little too long at a woman who was a new member.  And she thought I was flirting with her.  No, I'm a happily married man.  She never came back.  I can't really win.

What should I do?  If it were you, how should I act towards you?  Just the right balance of friendliness, without being overbearing?  Helping without treating you like an incompetent or a child? Such a balancing act, and each person has a different balance point.

The point is that if you try and I try.  We both forgive and reach out with charity.  Eventually, we find the balance.

Edited June 19, 2017 by Guest

[Sunday21]

'I don't want to get married. I never want to have kids.' 

If I had a nickel for every time, I have heard that one...I would have quite a few nickels! I am the roving substitute teacher and..guess which lessons, I often get to cover? We are almost 100% converts up here and I completely understand if lessons like these cause a new member teacher to come down with the flu! Whenever I teach marriage and the family or the law of chasity, there are a few young adults who volunteer that they are going to be celibate for ever. 

I smile.

Dollars to donuts, they are wed within two years. Those cold hearted little devils melt into one gooey mess when the right one comes along. So sure...be single forever..just go to the dances to listen to the music. Fine...keep us posted!

Edited June 20, 2017 by Sunday21

[Budget]

While it is actually true you cannot enter the Celestial Kingdom unless you are married and the only way for a woman to enter is to be sealed to you and have you call her - the feeling of not wanting to marry yet MAY be just because you have not met the right woman. 

But yes - according to Mormon doctrine you are called to be married to achieve the highest level and become god like.

 

Apostle Bruce McConkie wrote that those who attain exaltation “…inherit in due course the fullness of the glory of the Father, meaning that they have all power in heaven and on earth…” (Mormon Doctrine pg. 257). Doctrine and Covenants also teaches that “then shall they be gods, because they have no end…then shall they be gods, because they have all power…” (D&C 132:16-26). This is the ultimate goal in Mormonism.

One of the requirements to reach this goal is what Mormons call “celestial marriage.” Today celestial marriage is simply defined as a marriage in a Mormon temple designed to last not just until death but throughout all eternity. Couples joined in such marriages are considered “sealed” to each other. Their children afterward are automatically “sealed” to them as well. This, they believe, ensures that their family will continue in heaven eternally as a complete unit.

McConkie wrote,

“Celestial marriage is the gate to exaltation, and exaltation consists in the continuation of the family unit in eternity. Exaltation is…the kind of life which God lives” (Mormon Doctrine pg. 257).

Celestial marriage is an absolute necessity to reach this desired goal. Its importance in the place of salvation and exaltation cannot be overestimated.

“The most important things that any member of (the LDS Church) ever does in this world are: 1) To marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority; and 2) To keep the covenant made in connection with this holy and perfect order of matrimony…” (Mormon Doctrine pg. 118).

All Mormon men who desire Godhood are required to marry; if they do not, their leaders have taught that their actions will be displeasing to God. For instance, President Joseph Fielding Smith said,

“Any young man who carelessly neglects this great commandment to marry, or who does not marry because of a selfish desire to avoid the responsibilities which married life will bring, is taking a course which is displeasing in the sight of God…There can be no exaltation without it. If a man refuses…he is taking a course which may bar him forever from (exaltation).” (Doctrines of Salvation 2:74).

Those who choose to remain single or do not enter into the covenant of celestial marriage while on earth are no longer in obedience to God or to Mormon authorities. They will not advance to Godhood, but will be given menial tasks as angels for all eternity. As McConkie put it,

“Many who practice celibacy do so out of an excessive religious devotion and with the idea in mind that they are serving their Maker. In reality, they are forsaking some of the most important purposes of their creation…” (Mormon Doctrine pg. 119).

And Doctrine and Covenants 132;16-17 says,

“Therefore, when they are out of the world they… are appointed angels in heaven… to minister for those who are worthy of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of glory. For these angels did not abide my law”.”

_______________________________________

 

“It is the normal thing to marry. It was arranged by God in the beginning, long before this world’s mountains were ever formed. Remember: ‘Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man.’ (1 Corinthians 11:11.) … Every person should want to be married. There are some who might not be able to. But every person should want to be married because that is what God in heaven planned for us” (Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 291).

 

 

Edited July 6, 2017 by Budget
forgot the word 'and' :)