RooTheMormon

Friend Issues/Afraid of Being Judged

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I have this friend. I first met her at Girl's Camp when I was new to a ward. Last year, we all (us beehives) started middle school. I didntdidn't see this friend for a very long time. Then we started hanging out again. At first she seemed very nice but I soon found that she had changed by huge amounts in the past couple months. She is always talking bad about people, cursing, and saying inapinappropriate things. It makes me very uncomfortable. I know this girl is influencing me in a bad way. I am afraid she is going to judge me, so I want to stay on her good side. I gossip about people with her, but I always feel bad about what i say. She got into an argument with another girl at camp, and now she always calls her ugly, and a bad word. Even when we are at church she curses. None of the girls in my beehive group respect Heavenly Father, and none of them act LDS at all. One girl destroyed church property. I wouldnt be friends she'll with this girl, but im so scared of how she'll judge me. Any advice?

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Who cares how she judges you?  You shouldn't.  If a "friend" is causing you to do things that you know aren't right...then they aren't a friend.  Time to find new friends that build you up to do good things instead of bad.

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This young woman is someone to avoid.

Suggestions: make sure that you read your scriptures daily, preferably morning and evening. See reading scriptures and praying as a form of protection. You will have to limit your contact with bad influences. Remember Nephi 's relationship with Laman and Lemuel? At a certain point. Nephi walked away. I think you have reached this point. Ask Heavenly Father to be your friend. Confide in Him. Ask for his advice and protection. If you have the opportunity to attend the temple for baptisms, take the opportunity. Good luck! 

Edited by Sunday21

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 That's great that you are reaching out for help & advice. Are the YW leaders aware of these situations with the girls in the ward?  Are they doing anything about it?  You could tell one or more leaders about it.  Does your family know what's going on?   What about the parents of these girls?  Do they know how their children are behaving?  Is the bishop aware of the situation?  He is over the youth too.  I don't know if you have opened up to any of these people or anyone else who could help, but if you haven't, may I suggest pray about them being prepared for this and opening up their hearts (and hopefully they will)  You might be relieved to feel your not alone in this, and others are willing to help.  And if things don't always go the way you imagine, you can still exercise your faith and strengthen your testimony and ask the Lord for strength to alleviate this as much as possible and guide you in what you should do.  Pray for the leaders and the others mentioned, and they may be inspired to help and do something to and change.  I know prayer and following the Spirit work.  It can sometimes be hard, we have to feel the Lord with us and his angels about us, sometimes, to give us comfort and strength to do hard things and help make changes for the better.  Every one has their free agency.  We respect that.  We can use our free agency, to create hope & faith that things can get better and follow the Spirit in how to go about that.  He can help us feel strength, and comfort, so we don't have to worry so much about being judged by someone else.   Its normal to be concerned about that, at times, but He can help to overcome those feelings, so we can feel our worth and do whatever it is that He wants us to do.  Sometimes its just praying, sometimes we need to grow and do more, and in praying and/or doing other things, we can help others and ourselves more.   I once was in a situation on my mission, where I had a companion that would not serve as she should.  This went on for quite some time.  I had a hard time because I wanted to serve, I needed to stay with my companion (mission rules) and she seemed to come across as , for lack of a better word, a bully, and I couldn't find a way to get out of it.  Looking back, maybe I could have done more about it, but at the time, I did the best I could. and really, in that situation, it was very limited in what I could do because she watched me like a hawk.  But I kept praying, and eventually, her heart changed.  I know it must be hard.  I went through an unspeakable low, as I struggled inside for 2 months.  I couldn't even tell my mission pres, because one time when we had zone conference, he wasn't available to do our normal one on one interviews and I felt crushed and wondered why I had to go through this and why she came on a mission, when all she wanted to do was play.  But prayer works.  I hung on somehow, even when it was hard, and the Lord was with me, He knew how I felt.  He knew I wanted to serve and choose the right.  He knew I couldn't be an effective missionary with her being that way.  She did feel bad about it , probably before she changed.  And finally when I was in tears, she apologized to me and did a complete 180.  We ended up having a wonderful companionship.  She did everything she was suppossed to do with enthusiasm and zeal and continued to be that way for the rest of her mission, even after I got transferred.  I'm not saying the outcome is the same for everyone.  I remember having a friend go to church with me to primary and/or YW, and at least one of the girls was mean, and my friend stopped coming.  I felt bad about it, and I admit, I didn't have alot of courage to do anything about it.  But as I have gotten older, I have learned to sometimes do more about these kinds of situations.  Good luck.  sometimes people outgrow these bad behaviors, sometimes they need someone to intervene.  Sometimes prayer softens hearts. Contacting leaders may be a good start.    I will pray for the best in your situation.  

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7 hours ago, RooTheMormon said:

I have this friend. I first met her at Girl's Camp when I was new to a ward. Last year, we all (us beehives) started middle school. I didntdidn't see this friend for a very long time. Then we started hanging out again. At first she seemed very nice but I soon found that she had changed by huge amounts in the past couple months. She is always talking bad about people, cursing, and saying inapinappropriate things. It makes me very uncomfortable. I know this girl is influencing me in a bad way. I am afraid she is going to judge me, so I want to stay on her good side. I gossip about people with her, but I always feel bad about what i say. She got into an argument with another girl at camp, and now she always calls her ugly, and a bad word. Even when we are at church she curses. None of the girls in my beehive group respect Heavenly Father, and none of them act LDS at all. One girl destroyed church property. I wouldnt be friends she'll with this girl, but im so scared of how she'll judge me. Any advice?

I am 85.6% sure that this girl is suffering from emotional problems stemming from something happening, or lack of something happening in her home/family life.  I would get to know her more intimately, talk about her home, her problems, what bothers her, what she's dealing with, etc.  I bet you just might find something that is emotionally driving her behavior change.  Even if you don't have any luck finding it, it is probably there.  People tend to change their behaviors and lash out in situations like this because of an 'unfair' life event that is painful for them to bear.

Either way, I wouldn't worry about her judging you, instead, don't participate in the gossip or anything, just ignore it and change the topic, or even say something positive about the person.  For example, your friend says, "Jane is such a snob, she has a coach purse and flaunts it everywhere she goes"  You could respond, "Oh, my goodness, that reminds me, I heard that Jane got straight A's this year in math, she is so smart, I suck at math."  Or something true but like that.

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9 hours ago, RooTheMormon said:

I have this friend. I first met her at Girl's Camp when I was new to a ward. Last year, we all (us beehives) started middle school. I didntdidn't see this friend for a very long time. Then we started hanging out again. At first she seemed very nice but I soon found that she had changed by huge amounts in the past couple months. She is always talking bad about people, cursing, and saying inapinappropriate things. It makes me very uncomfortable. I know this girl is influencing me in a bad way. I am afraid she is going to judge me, so I want to stay on her good side. I gossip about people with her, but I always feel bad about what i say. She got into an argument with another girl at camp, and now she always calls her ugly, and a bad word. Even when we are at church she curses. None of the girls in my beehive group respect Heavenly Father, and none of them act LDS at all. One girl destroyed church property. I wouldnt be friends she'll with this girl, but im so scared of how she'll judge me. Any advice?

The YW theme (emphasis actually in there, I didn't caps anything):

"WE ARE DAUGHTERS of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love Him. WE WILL “STAND as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places” (Mosiah 18:9) as we strive to live the Young Women values, which are:

Faith • Divine Nature • Individual Worth • Knowledge • Choice and Accountability • Good Works • Integrity • and Virtue

WE BELIEVE as we come to accept and act upon these values, WE WILL BE PREPARED to strengthen home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, receive the ordinances of the temple, and enjoy the blessings of exaltation."  

Roo, you need to STAND for truth here.  Even if you're the only one.  You're a daughter of God.

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Dear @RooTheMormon I am glad that @jewels8 told you to pray that leaders' hearts would be softened to do something about the information that you give them. I want to warn you about a few things. When I was a Laurel (about 17), I had a scheduled interview with my bishop for a temporary recommend. As I sat down in his office, he said, "I hope you are not going to say bad things about our girls". I looked at him and he told me that the young woman who just left had told him that the young women were bullies. The bishop did not believe it because their parents held high positions in the church. The bishop was grateful for the service of their parents. Well those young women were bullies.

I have now had the opportunity to teach young men/young women myself as a substitute. I make anyone who bullies leave the room. I don't care who their parents are! but when I did this, the Sunday school president was horrified. I phoned the bully's parents myself. Those parents were very angry. I persisted and refused to budge. It took the parents a while before they spoke to me again. So...as per Jewel's suggestion, I would pray before you tell anyone. Would I tell the parents? I would ask Heavenly Father's advice.

This is how I survive life. I see my life as a game with many players. We are all trying to succeed in our careers. Sometimes we compete and sometimes we co-operate. For every turn of the game or throw of the dice, anything can happen. My job is to succeed while obeying the still small voice and God's commandments. The other players can cheat and steal but I cannot. I have to do the best that I can without ever breaking a commandment or disappointing God. It is a hard game. My advantage is God's help. I never let go of his hand. I need him because unlike other's I can't cheat or lie or steal. God is my advantage so I never stray. I need Him on my side!

Good luck!

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We are influenced by those we spend time with. You seem like a good influence, and I'm glad you've joined the hub! I'm sure you know that you don't have to be LDS to be a good person and that being LDS doesn't automatically make you a good person. Try to balance the time you spend with this troubled friend with finding other good people to spend time with. If at all possible, physically walk away from her when she is saying bad things (or look at positive things on a mobile device). I'm in a similar boat with some of my coworkers, and it takes real effort for me to not adopt their speech patterns. I'll keep you in my prayers, Roo!

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16 hours ago, person0 said:

I am 85.6% sure that this girl is suffering from emotional problems stemming from something happening, or lack of something happening in her home/family life.  I would get to know her more intimately, talk about her home, her problems, what bothers her, what she's dealing with, etc.  I bet you just might find something that is emotionally driving her behavior change.  Even if you don't have any luck finding it, it is probably there.  People tend to change their behaviors and lash out in situations like this because of an 'unfair' life event that is painful for them to bear.

Either way, I wouldn't worry about her judging you, instead, don't participate in the gossip or anything, just ignore it and change the topic, or even say something positive about the person.  For example, your friend says, "Jane is such a snob, she has a coach purse and flaunts it everywhere she goes"  You could respond, "Oh, my goodness, that reminds me, I heard that Jane got straight A's this year in math, she is so smart, I suck at math."  Or something true but like that.

She never wants to open up to me. I wanted to have a conversation with her about deeper more personal things and she just closed off. 

2 hours ago, seashmore said:

We are influenced by those we spend time with. You seem like a good influence, and I'm glad you've joined the hub! I'm sure you know that you don't have to be LDS to be a good person and that being LDS doesn't automatically make you a good person. Try to balance the time you spend with this troubled friend with finding other good people to spend time with. If at all possible, physically walk away from her when she is saying bad things (or look at positive things on a mobile device). I'm in a similar boat with some of my coworkers, and it takes real effort for me to not adopt their speech patterns. I'll keep you in my prayers, Roo!

Thabk you everyone who gave advice. It is much appreciated.

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18 minutes ago, RooTheMormon said:

She never wants to open up to me. I wanted to have a conversation with her about deeper more personal things and she just closed off. 

Thabk you everyone who gave advice. It is much appreciated.

If she doesn't want open up, you can't force it.  Just keep your door open. 

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Think about this - you know she's doing things contrary to God's desire.  So why are you allowing her to influence you?  This is my advice - INFLUENCE HER INSTEAD.  So she wants to gossip about other people, you say... "I don't like to gossip about other people.  Which do you like better Red Vines or Twizzlers?".

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Guest

@RooTheMormon,

My wife grew up in a ward that was almost entirely filled with youth who did not follow the teachings of the Church.  Many of them were involved in LOC violations with each other.  Aaronic priesthood were out in the parking lot smoking and drinking on the same days they administered the sacrament.

To top it all off, her family was somehow singled out as the family that needed to be watched.  Part of it was because my FIL was always very vocal about his politics and that turned many people off.  Additionally, at the time, homeschooling wasn't entirely legal nor popular.  So, many looked down on them for that as well.  As a result, the entire ward sort of shunned them.

Most of the family figured things out and got along eventually.  But my wife, as quiet and shy as she was, was alone for most of her life.  Finally, her mother decided to send her to live at her aunt's house for a year.  While the new ward still had issues, it was better than the previous ward.

Finally, she turned 17 and was sort of emancipated and went off to college.  That was when she finally fell in with a bunch of wonderful girls who showed her what real friends were.  A few years later she met a devilishly handsome man with a bright future who took quite a liking to her. :itwasntme:

And she lived happily ever after.  True story.:)

Edited by Guest

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On 2017-07-04 at 1:39 AM, RooTheMormon said:

I have this friend. I first met her at Girl's Camp when I was new to a ward. Last year, we all (us beehives) started middle school. I didntdidn't see this friend for a very long time. Then we started hanging out again. At first she seemed very nice but I soon found that she had changed by huge amounts in the past couple months. She is always talking bad about people, cursing, and saying inapinappropriate things. It makes me very uncomfortable. I know this girl is influencing me in a bad way. I am afraid she is going to judge me, so I want to stay on her good side. I gossip about people with her, but I always feel bad about what i say. She got into an argument with another girl at camp, and now she always calls her ugly, and a bad word. Even when we are at church she curses. None of the girls in my beehive group respect Heavenly Father, and none of them act LDS at all. One girl destroyed church property. I wouldnt be friends she'll with this girl, but im so scared of how she'll judge me. Any advice?

It is natural to want people to like you and be nice to you, but he fact of life is that you have to choose what kind of people will be that in your life and what kind won't.  You want the respect and friendship of good, righteous people and having that goes hand in hand with not having the respect and friendship of those who glory in wrongdoing. You have to pick a side. 

One of the best things you can do is learn to stop caring what people on the other side think of you.  I relate very much to feeling like I was the only one of my peers that really had a testimony and actually wanted to live the gospel.  It can feel very lonely, but it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong crowd, and just because they were baptized a few years ago doesn't make them the right crowd.  Remember in Lehi's vision of the tree of life, the building full of people laughing and mocking those holding to the iron rod.  Those who ignored those mockers made it, those who were worried about being judged and mocked by them didn't make it.

Don't go along to get along and compromise your values, but don't be snobbish, arrogant or self righteous about it either.  Be ready to be called a 'molly mormon' or something like that and not let it get you down (in reality, it is a compliment).  Stay on good terms with them as much as possible so the door stays open for them to join you as they mature. 

In time things will change.  They will mature, or go away, others will come into your life, and somewhere along the way you'll find somebody more like you who will become a close friend.

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7 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

We love you! Never change. ❤️ 

Really?  That's your advice?  What happens when her clothes start to stink?  Or disintegrate? I'm thinking she should change.  Usually daily.  Every other day might be acceptable under some circumstances....

I am so not going back to Canada if this is the way things are up there.

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37 minutes ago, zil said:

Really?  That's your advice?  What happens when her clothes start to stink?  Or disintegrate? I'm thinking she should change.  Usually daily.  Every other day might be acceptable under some circumstances....

I am so not going back to Canada if this is the way things are up there.

We are smelly but we are friendly! Don't get too close!

Seriously it is my evil plan  [pause for maniacal laughter]  to lure some saints to Canada to help us out. This would be a great place for a mission. The dollar exchange means it is cheap. You can drink the water. It is safe. What more to you want? Oh yea. Clean underwear. Sniff**. So fussy! If I could lure @LiterateParakeet here for Canada Day, I might have a chance. Canada Day would make a nice Relief Society Activity for a border living US ward. No alcohol served. What else can I do to convince you? 

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