Fears surrounding my past relationship and future


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My story is rather messy. To make it as short as possible, I dated a nonmember before my mission. We were very serious and committed, and eventually broke the Law of Chastity. I hid it because I wanted to serve and was too afraid of what people would think or the possibility of losing my relationship. Several months into my mission, she decides to end things, and I decided to confess my sins, since my hope of having both a mission and this sinful relationship ended. I am going to go back out once I finish the repentance process. We decided that meet up and see if we still have a future together. While we were together, she told me that she had lied to me about being a virgin when we started dating. She also said that she doesn't see a future with anybody else, and we agreed that now is not the time for us to be together, but that we still hope to have a future. 

 

Here's my dilemma. We got along so, so well, and I absolutely loved the time that we spent together. We were friends for a long time before dating, so I know that as people we are compatible, it wasn't just a summer romance. However, there are quite a few things that I'm scared of. She lied to me several times about things because she was afraid of losing me (her sexual history being the most severe). She's a nonmember with a fairly negative attitude towards the church. She wasn't the best at writing me while I was gone, and ended up developing feelings for someone else while we were in a relationship. She put that aside to see what would happen when I came back, and said that I'm the one she wants to spend her life with. But the more I think about it (and writing everything has made the situation seem really ridiculous), the more I think this is probably some distraction that Satan put in my path to stop me from reaching my potential. We plan on writing each other during my mission, but only letters, and only every other week. 

 

I feel horrible about breaking the LoC, and perhaps my biggest fear right now is I'm of the damage that my past could potentially have on my future marriage if it's with another woman. I still do love the woman that this happened with, but I fear there are too many red flags that have been piling up. At the same time, I'm scared that girls who have followed the commandments their whole lives wouldn't be interested in me. I'm hoping to figure out what to do by the time I end my mission, but in the mean time I'm curious what anyone else has to think about the situation? I have a narrow view that's very emotionally invested, and I would appreciate any outside comments or insights. Thank you!

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I am so sorry you are going through this.

I truly feel that you would be better off not having a relationship with this woman. She does not share your beliefs or your values. I would make a clean break by letter so that she can go on with her life and find someone else. I know that you will be courteous but firm. Good luck!

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11 hours ago, Foosball123 said:

I would appreciate any outside comments or insights.

Where to begin?

You violated your baptismal covenant by breaking the law of chastity. Then you refused to admit this fact to your bishop and stake president, instead receiving a temple recommend for your endowment under false pretense and making a mockery of it -- in effect, breaking that endowment covenant at the very moment you made it. And now you are worried that your partner in fornication, who was not even under the baptismal covenant...wasn't a virgin at the time she fornicated with you?

I just don't even know how to respond to the idea. I'm dumbfounded. You're upset that she wasn't a virgin. I mean, seriously, what kind of response is there to that?

In addition, now you're worried that in the future, some other virginal girl might, you know...hold you to that same standard?

Friend, I want to give you wise counsel, or at least supportive and hopeful words. But I honestly don't have any good idea what to write. You've maxed out the Bizarre-O-Meter.

You are focusing on all the wrong things. Google and read up on "solipsism", then ponder on the idea that other people in general (and your ex-girlfriend in particular) do not exist simply to give you new experiences. They are important people, too, and they have their own stories, too. Your Me-centric focus is so extreme that you are missing the wider point, instead viewing everything through the narrow lens of how it affects your plans for the present and future.

Your problem has nothing to do with whether or how you pursue a relationship with this girl. It certainly has nothing to do with whether she was less than honest with you about her sexual past when you fornicated with her. Your problem has to do with repentance. You need to repent. Period. That is the entire issue.

You mention "the repentance process", which to my ear sends up a red flag. Repentance is not a process so much as it is a state. You do not merely need to complete the formal process of repentance, akin to saying twelve Hail Marys and sixteen Our Fathers. You need to change your heart, to root out and end the wicked man of the flesh and be reborn as a man of spirit. Take to heart Alma's words toward his wayward son Corianton, who appears to have engaged in some sexual misconduct: "And now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things trouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance."

Edited by Vort
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Thank you, I do appreciate your comments. I only use the term "repentance process" because that's what my mission president and my stake/branch presidents have all referred to it as. I do understand that repentance is sincere and lasting change, and I am grateful to have this opportunity to root out the evil and turn towards Christ so that I can serve him, like I should have done when this originally happened. I've read Alma 39 several times in the past few weeks and it really does give the best advice concerning this subject: "Now my son, I would that ye should repent and forsake your sins, and go no more after the lusts of your eyes, but cross yourself in all these things".

 

I have been focusing on the wrong things. It was easy to get caught up in worrying about everything that is inconsequential to my future, but I'm coming to see that it is merely Satan trying to turn me from the straight and narrow. Fear is the opposite of faith. I'm accepting the reality that there's nothing I can do in this case but trust God and serve Him. That's what I should have done from the beginning. Again, thank you for your remarks!  I've done a bit of reading on solipsism, and it's fairly obvious to me that that has been my modus operadi for this whole experience. Thank you for this jolt to help me stop worrying about what doesn't matter. 

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She's lied to you about several things. Don't give her any more chances to lie to you. Her influence has already damaged your integrity. (Good news is it's reparable.)

Your biggest fear should be the damage this has done to your relationship with God. I'm very glad to hear you're working through that with a priesthood leader. Worry about the future dating scenes after your mission. Chances are, you'll wind up with a woman who cares more about where you're going than where you've been.

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Foosball,

Mirroring advice, wash that woman out of your mind, she's got nothing for you except a boatload of bad weather ahead. I'm sure the spirit has explained this to you. Mister, you've a mission to concern yourself with, a very special time between you and heavenly father. Alas, in the future, when it comes time for a wife, you'll pretty much come crashing into one another's lives, she'll be LDS and you'll be glad of it!

How exciting you're going on a mission, I mean wow, how cool is that? 

 

Edited by Bad Karma
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On 2017-07-09 at 10:15 PM, my two cents said:

Agree with @Sunday21 that you'd be better off if you end this for good. As far as future relationships, now is not the time to worry about that. You need to focus on getting back on track and build up your armor.

Ditto.  The person you marry should be somebody you can trust to be honest with you, and somebody that inspires you to a greater level of righteousness.  The Lord often does his work though other people.  Satan can do the same thing and use others to pull us away from the path.  She has already done this once.  End the relationship and look for somebody who is committed to being married in the temple.

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