Wife putting me in a tough spot with my mom

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

1 hour ago, DoctorLemon said:

I personally think maintaining the integrity of the husband/wife relationship is far more important than standing up for a parent who might be slightly more "right" in some trivial quarrel.  

What I do - it may or may not be right for OP, but it sure has worked well for me and my family.

This is really important. What you are talking about is one of the things recommended by Dr. Gottman in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  He says (in Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away) "I'm not suggesting that it is never appropriate to problem-solve when your partner is upset.  But to paraphrase psychologist Haim Ginott, the cardinal rule is 'Understanding must precede advice.'  You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma.  Only then will he or she be receptive to suggestions." 

And he says,

"When someone is upset, they want to know that their experience matters to you, so they don't feel alone.  You can give your partner this gift by witnessing his or her distress.  This means making it clear that you are there for your partner, understanding and respecting the experience.  A powerful way to do this is to repeat back what you partner says, in your own words."  

[Snigmorder]

What did your mom actually say if I might ask?

[anatess2]

19 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

@anatess2 I'm curious what you think. I think I know what you will say, and I agree but I might be wrong.

I don't really understand what it means to "validate feelings" so I'm not gonna touch on that.

So here's my 2 cents.

You've lived with your parents since birth.  You know them, you understand them, you have this "dance patterns" with them - a consistent action/reaction type of thing that you may not even be conscious you're all doing.  Your mom does X (as she always does) and you respond with Y (as you always do).  Now comes a new dance partner.  Mom does X, you do Y, she reacts with Z, throwing the whole dance off and you end up stepping on toes.  It becomes chaotic and you automatically think the Z is odd because that's not in the dance!  Well, the new dance partner has no clue what the steps are.  She just knows that when someone does X, it's a bad dance.

Now, your wife did not live with your mother since birth.  So, she follows a different "dance pattern" that may be in conflict with your mother's.  The interesting thing about this is that - you both are also still crafting your own "dance patterns" as husband and wife yourselves.  So, there's really no such thing as "wrong or right" feelings in this scenario.  There is simply a misunderstanding.  Now, your job as a husband is to bring your wife into the family tree (we're an eternal family after all) without stepping all over her toes in the dance.  You get to lead the dance - you may have to change the dance from a swing into a chacha to account for your wife's dance steps which means you have to teach BOTH your wife and your mother to chacha.  More often than not, the mother can't chacha no matter how hard you try to teach her.  Old dogs, new tricks ya know.  And that's just fine.  You just need to teach your wife that she can still chacha but when your mother joins in and does a swing, that's just the way she is and we just all need to keep our toes out of the swing pattern and love her enough to give her the freedom to dance to her own tune.  Meanwhile - it is your job to learn to both swing and chacha and to know what tune is playing so you know which dance you're on.  Do you understand what I'm saying?

And that's how you merge two families together into a harmonious existence.  After years of this especially after grandkids and you and your wife has exercised love for swing as you dance your chacha, I will guarantee you (hah!  like I'm a professional that you can sue if it doesn't come to fruition!  blech), swing and chacha will be like milk and cookies.  Different but exists in harmony.

 

Edited August 23, 2017 by anatess2

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Hard to say what the real situation is.  Did his mother say something that could reasonably be taken as unkind?  Did his mom unknowingly touch a sore spot?  Does his wife have a habbit of expecting the worst from his mother or just in general?  Does his wife lack certain social skills that leave her feeling easily offended when there is no reasonable reason to feel offended?

Validating her feelings has to be first (and by that you let her know that you accept her feelings are genuine and painful), nobody cares how much you know if they don't know how much you care.  But for the husband there is a leadership aspect to this as well where the wife and/or the mother need to be lovingly coached on how to avoid situations like this or deal with them better.  Tricky to do, timing and approach has to be right, and it may be a series of baby steps to get there.

[Guest]

On 8/22/2017 at 2:11 PM, mormondad said:

My wife was hurt by a comment my mom made. The thing is, I was in the room and didn't think anything of it. We interpreted it completely differently. It was a neutral comment. Even if I wanted to convince myself that there was an intent to criticize, it still wouldn't make much contextual sense. And that's just not my mom. My wife has always had a tendency to assume the worst in things that are said.

Anyway my wife said she realized that it's always been "like this", and that she doesn't want to go to my family functions anymore (she says she still will for our kids' sakes).

Not really even implied, just off of a complete whim  -- Is this a race issue or a political issue?

Edited August 24, 2017 by Guest

[mormondad]

On 8/24/2017 at 9:01 AM, Carborendum said:

Not really even implied, just off of a complete whim  -- Is this a race issue or a political issue?

No, she isn't bothered by any of that stuff. It's more that she thinks that my parents don't think she's good enough for their son and that they don't appreciate her enough. So any comment that can possibly be twisted in a negative way to fit that thought pattern usually is.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, mormondad said:

No, she isn't bothered by any of that stuff. It's more that she thinks that my parents don't think she's good enough for their son and that they don't appreciate her enough. So any comment that can possibly be twisted in a negative way to fit that thought pattern usually is.

If this statement is true, then she seems to have some self-esteem / self-image issues.  You may want to consider counseling for that.  But it will be a minefield of emotions to walk through to bring that up to her.  

I've got nothing.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Guest

[Latter-Day Marriage]

5 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

If this statement is true, then she seems to have some self-esteem / self-image issues.  You may want to consider counseling for that.  But it will be a minefield of emotions to walk through to bring that up to her.  

I've got nothing.

If her parents really do think that way of her it isn't a self esteem issue, it's being perceptive.  He should talk privately with his parents about this, if she feel that way he can stand up for her and perhaps get them to see her as he sees her.  If they don't feel that way, they should know they need to make an effort in this area to make her feel like a welcomed part of the family.

[lfh2d]

This is so after the fact, so it might not even be applicable.  My husband is so good at helping me look at things from another perspective.  His mom passed away before we were married and his dad remarried after we were married.  So he doesn't have the same relationship with his step mom as he does his real mom.  However, whenever I take offense, he always validates or tells me he can see where I'm coming from but he also reminds me that her personality is more abrupt and not as tactful.  That she doesn't mean to be upsetting, but can come across as such.

Even with my own family, when my brothers drive me crazy, he agrees that what they said was jerkish, but that they are my brothers, they love me, and that they aren't purposefully trying to hurt me.  

It's been a big blessing for me who comes from a "drama" family and him coming from a very mellow family, to understand that whole they get upset at one another, that they remember that they ultimately love each other and so they forgive easily too.

So it's difficult but possible to show understanding to your wife, but still restore the bond, or create a bond between families.  Good luck in the future (as I'm sure you've already taken care of this situation).

[priesthoodpower]

One thing I learned in the business world...its just business.

My father-in-law is a cop, if some random police officer did something that allowed me to sue the police department my FIL would not be offended, my wife would not be mad that Im suing her dads company. I would not be mad at my FIL just because he's associated with the department.

Think of your wifes relationship with your mom as an entity all on its own. Hate the relationship that is the entity between your mom and wife but you can still love your wife and mom individually, you dont have to take sides.

My mom was a sheltered child growing up, she is socially awkward and childishly passive-aggressive toward my wife. After the first year of marriage my wife could not take the abuse and finally declared that she hates my mom. Luckily we moved to another state and we did not have to see my mom anymore. Thats how its been the past 15 yrs. I learned to love both of them individually but understood that the entity that is the relationship was rotten. Sucks but life is life.