Consecration and Marriage OR Anatess' marriage views validated

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

What can the Law of Consecration teach us about marriage?  Before this week if someone had asked me that question, I would have looked at them quizzically wondering if that was a trick question.  But it turns out there is a lot we can learn about marriage from the concept of consecration, and the idea has been right in front of me for awhile now.

(For new members....) We get a lot of marriage advice questionsNo matter what the question, @anatess2's answer is always something along the lines of:  "You made a covenant with Heavenly Father to love your spouse and support them and try to help them to return to Him.  Even if your spouse is not living up to that covenant, you should.  You maybe the only one who can save him/her."  At first, I thought her advice was asking a lot.  What about adultery?  What about pornography (that subject comes up a lot) from women, and men often complain that their wife has no interest in sex.  It doesn't matter though, Anatess will always tell them that they covenanted to love their spouse and that's what they need to do.  That is true love, and what we should all be striving for. 

Over time I have come to appreciate the wisdom of her words.  I don't think every marriage can or should be saved, but I do think that her advice is spot on more often than not.  And I found powerful validation for this idea this week while reading Chapter 6 of Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD.  

Dr. Goddard started by talking about consecration and shared this beautiful quote by Elder Maxwell, "consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory.  It brings release from the raucous overpopulated cell block of selfishness and emancipation from the dark prison of pride."   Wow--note to self--read more from Elder Maxwell.  

Later he says speaking of his own marriage, "I promised God that I would be His partner in protecting, blessing, comforting and saving Nancy's precious soul.  After all, there is nothing in God's work I will ever do that will be more important than blessing my covenant partner."  

Sometimes, we find ourselves in a place that we are unhappy in our marriages and we think that it will always be so.  However, this does not have to be true.  Remember when you were first married and you were very happy and thought you would always feel that way.  Feelings are like ocean waves they come and go.  There are high tides and low tides, and sometimes tsunamis, but they still come and go.  Goddard points out that 86% of marriages that reported being unhappy but stayed together, reported being very happy five years later.  Ocean waves . . .  

There are some couples who get caught in Satan's lie of thinking that because they are unhappy now, they will always be unhappy.  These couples divorce and then realize they really still love each other, and re-marry.  My husband's mother and step-father did that.  One of my favorite Mormon Messages addresses this very issue.  Here it is, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.  Notice the irony that the very same type of situation that brought them together, later tore them apart.  

Thoughts?  Do you agree?  If not why?  
 

 

Edited August 23, 2017 by LiterateParakeet

[Mike]

I have never considered the Law of Consecration per se as an ingredient in the recipe, nor as an attribute of an eternal marriage (or even a life-long marriage). In the case of our marriage my wife and I have both thought of our success (apparently shorter than some but longer than most) in terms of commitment pure and simple. On the other hand, I suppose that some one else looking in could frame our mutual commitment to one another as being a facet of the Law of Consecration--I'm not really sure. 

2 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

I don't think every marriage can or should be saved ...

No, I don't think so either. Nor do I think *every* marriage can withstand the damage from infidelity. But I do think *some* can. I do feel moved after watching the video above to hope specifically for the narrator and her husband.

Edited August 23, 2017 by Mike

[Vort]

9 minutes ago, Mike said:

I have never considered the Law of Consecration per se as an ingredient in the recipe, nor as an attribute of an eternal marriage (or even a life-long marriage).

I'm the opposite, I guess. I have always thought of marriage as a perfect merger of two human beings. Even as a child, I had this attitude. When I found out that some couples keep separate beds and bank accounts, I was shocked. Truth be told, I still am, a little. My wife knows all my passwords. We do have "mine" and "yours" ownership of some things such as clothing, but even then, if she wants to wear "my" shirt, she doesn't have to ask my permission. So a "law of consecration" attitude toward marriage seems the most obvious thing in the world to me.

The only exception to that that I can think of has to do with keeping secrets for others' sake; for example, if we find out confidential information from our Church calling, or if a child tells one of us (usually her) something that they don't want shared with the other.

Edited August 23, 2017 by Vort

[Mike]

Just now, Vort said:

I'm the opposite, I guess. I have always thought of marriage as a perfect merger of two human beings. Even as a child, I had this attitude. When I found out that some couples keep separate beds and bank accounts, I was shocked. Truth be told, I still am, a little. My wife knows all my passwords. We do have "mine" and "yours" ownership of some things such as clothing, but even then, if she wants to wear "my" shirt, she doesn't have to ask my permission. So a "law of consecration" attitude toward marriage seems the most natural thing in the world to me.

Perhaps my remark says more about the shallowness of my understanding of the Law of Consecration than I meant for it to say about my devotion to marriage. When you put it the way you did above I can relate. The notion of separation of most things has been unthinkable to my wife and to me. So maybe it does apply and I just didn't consider it until LP raised the issue and you elaborated.

 

[Guest]

19 hours ago, LiterateParakeet said:

What can the Law of Consecration teach us about marriage?  Before this week if someone had asked me that question, I would have looked at them quizzically wondering if that was a trick question.  But it turns out there is a lot we can learn about marriage from the concept of consecration, and the idea has been right in front of me for awhile now.

Well, my first reaction was:

Quote

If ye are not one, ye are not mine.

So, duh-uh.

My wife and I have always been perfectly open about everything.  We really had no secrets.  We shared in all earthly things.  But then I realized something that I knew to be true, but never really intellectualized it.  

"Ye are not mine."

I don't know how often we share spiritual things.  How often do we bear our testimonies with one another?  We pray together a lot.  We even have our morning scripture together with the family.  But are we one spirit?  Not yet.

DRIFTING APART

I really can't think of anyone I've ever known who is as head-over-heels over each other as my wife and I are.  However, as we laid down to sleep one night, I found myself telling her,"Honey, I feel like we're drifting apart."

"I've felt like that for the past couple weeks.  But I didn't want to hurt your feelings because I know you've been busy at work."

"Ok.  So, what should we do about it?"  We came up with ideas.  

Sometimes, the "feeling" of love simply isn't enough.  Showing common expressions of love isn't enough.  Even working towards common goals isn't enough.  We have to do things that make us one with each other and one with the Lord.

Edited August 24, 2017 by Guest

[JohnsonJones]

20 hours ago, Vort said:

I'm the opposite, I guess. I have always thought of marriage as a perfect merger of two human beings. Even as a child, I had this attitude. When I found out that some couples keep separate beds and bank accounts, I was shocked. Truth be told, I still am, a little. My wife knows all my passwords. We do have "mine" and "yours" ownership of some things such as clothing, but even then, if she wants to wear "my" shirt, she doesn't have to ask my permission. So a "law of consecration" attitude toward marriage seems the most obvious thing in the world to me.

The only exception to that that I can think of has to do with keeping secrets for others' sake; for example, if we find out confidential information from our Church calling, or if a child tells one of us (usually her) something that they don't want shared with the other.

Me and my wife have separate beds.  We also have our bed that we share...however my wife moves around a LOT in her sleep.  I have woken with bruises and black eyes (actually, normally I wake up when I'm getting them).  So, when I really need sleep, I have a different bed so that I can actually get solid sleep.  She can't control her movement in sleep.

(as a side story, we have a son that has a similar problem, but even worse.  He, at times, when he was younger, would get out of bed and wander the house.  I was blessed to catch him each time he was fumbling about the front door and about to walk out in his underwear, my advice to him was to also let his spouse have a different bed so that she could get a decent nights sleep at times).

We also have different bank accounts.  She knows my passwords though.  We each have an account of spending money, so though we share the main account for rent/food etc., we also have our own little bit to spend on what we want.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

2 hours ago, JohnsonJones said:

We also have different bank accounts.  She knows my passwords though.  We each have an account of spending money, so though we share the main account for rent/food etc., we also have our own little bit to spend on what we want.

My husband and I do this too.  The reason for us is that I am the spender, and he is the saver.  I like to have a little money of my own that I can spend without feeling like I have to justify it to him.  I'm fine if he does the same.   

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

@Carborendum  something like that happened to my husband and I as well.  It's strange to think of it but even good marriages require work to stay good.  We had been working on it and made some progress...though to be honest, not as much as I would have liked.  Then I started reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman PhD.  His suggestions about fondness and turning toward each other were just what we needed.   I couldn't be happier now.    

Both books were part of my marriage class this summer.  Great timing!   

Edited August 24, 2017 by LiterateParakeet

[Guest MormonGator]

It's always interesting to me that happy marriages have different ideas on what it takes to be happy. What would make LG and I happy would make another couple miserable. I've always thought that independence and freedom make a good marriage - and it does in our case. She knows my passwords and I know hers (though we've never checked each others accounts/cell phones), we have separate bank accounts and a mutual family one, and we'll take separate vacations sometimes. It may sound weird but it works for us. Obviously I would never say that anyone who does things differently is wrong-whatever works for them .

Edited August 24, 2017 by MormonGator

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

12 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

 we'll take separate vacations sometimes. It may sound weird but it works for us.

It doesn't sound weird to me.  I like to go to some kind of conference every year...by myself!  I always appreciate one weekend out of the year to just be me...not someone's wife, or someone's mom, or an employee....just me.  My husband, on the other hand, finds his peace in the yard with his plants.  We have to drag him on family vacations, LOL.  

[Guest MormonGator]

3 minutes ago, LiterateParakeet said:

It doesn't sound weird to me.  I like to go to some kind of conference every year...by myself!  I always appreciate one weekend out of the year to just be me...not someone's wife, or someone's mom, or an employee....just me.  My husband, on the other hand, finds his peace in the yard with his plants.  We have to drag him on family vacations, LOL.  

It's the same with us, though we text each other round the clock all day when we are apart. So go figure. 

Edited August 24, 2017 by MormonGator

[Grunt]

My wife and I have many things separate, but not out of secrecy.  We're best friends.  I have no secrets from her.

[anatess2]

The law of consecration in my household is not about separate bank accounts or separate beds or separate vacations... that's just practicality.  The consecration is there's no You and Me or Yours and Mine outside of the Marriage.  Of course, I have my own toothbrush and I would yell at my husband if he uses it (which he has no problem doing), but the toothbrushes are part of our marriage.  Even though a spouse goes to Colorado while the other goes to Australia, that doesn't necessarily put the activities in Colorado and Australia outside of the marriage.  It is still part of the marital union.  Now, if the spouse in Colorado is doing activities outside of the marriage - living life like a single person without regard to the marriage - then yes, that is not a consecrated activity and would need to be corrected.

What bothers me to no end is this idiot bank who won't allow my husband access to an account because it just happens to have my name on it.  He can smack the bank with our marriage certificate, that doesn't do anything.  I have to specifically sign some legalese so my husband can access the account.  That is a sad thing to me.  The United States Government itself promotes non-consecrated marriages making normative laws for the exceptions (necessity of privacy laws in cases of abuse).  What's even worse is that underaged kids can bar their righteous parents access to their affairs too!  This is a big peeve to me.  Nobody comes between my husband and I and between my children and their parents.  Not even the government.  We are one unit under the marriage, indivisible.

And about the child telling one parent and not the other... we set up our household so that the kids are also practicing consecrated living.  So, even as they desire to tell their dad only for certain manly things they don't really want to talk to mom about, they know that dad always end up bringing mom into the loop.  But, generally, the children doesn't come between my husband and I either.

We do acknowledge and respect the necessity of confidentiality when it pertains to responsibilities outside the home - such as confidential information from church callings or from our jobs. 

So then we expand this unit to when the children become adults and have their own households.  We still practice consecrated living in such that grandparents share in and contribute to the family resources as need arises.  My parents, for example, paid for my sister-in-law to go to college because my brother's wages are not sufficient and her parents are in the you're-married-now-we're-done style.  The siblings contributed to my other brother finishing med school, etc.  But then, our family became sorely tested when my dad went through chemotherapy.  He did not have health insurance.  So all of us siblings - everyone married with their own households - all pooled our resources to get him treatment.

This consecrated living builds strong family bonds that I believe is advantageous in the building of eternal families binding generation to generation.  But that's just me.

 

[mordorbund]

On 8/24/2017 at 6:28 PM, MormonGator said:

What would make LG and I happy would make another couple miserable.

"Date night is prank night!" - @MormonGator & @LadyGator

[Guest MormonGator]

18 hours ago, mordorbund said:

"Date night is prank night!" - @MormonGator & @LadyGator

"Date Night" consists of eating pizza and watching TLC shows for six hours. We're hardly an exciting couple. 

[clbent04]

On 8/23/2017 at 1:30 PM, LiterateParakeet said:

What can the Law of Consecration teach us about marriage? 

My wife and I still have separate bank accounts, both work full time jobs. And we sleep with separate blankets. Our household is not by the Law of Consecration