What is a good way to start a conversation with a girl in my singles ward?


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This is my first post, so hello everyone! I feel like a super socially awkward person asking a question like this, but why not? Haha!  So, just for some context, I am a returned missionary and am fully active in the church.  There is a girl in my singles ward that I would really like to get to know a bit more.  I've talked to her several times, and was in a "picture scavenger hunt" group with her for FHE one monday, so we got to talk quite a bit there.  Honestly, this post may make it seem like I am a super socially awkward person, but I'm really not.  If I know the person, I have no problem whatsoever holding a conversation and even asking said person out.  My weakness, however, is with people that I either don't know at all or people that I know a little bit, but not to the point that I know enough about them to just go start a conversation out of the blue without it being awkward.  I just can't seem to think of a naturally flowing way of initiating a conversation in a situation like that.  I would like to get to know her better, and ask her out on a date if I can get to a point that I feel like it wouldn't be super awkward of me to do so, but I just don't know how to get the ball rolling. Do any of you have any advice for me?

Edited by Danny Phantom
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In all seriousness, just ask her. Don't wait until you don't feel awkward. Even if it comes out, "Uh, hey, ---name---, I kinda...sorta...you know...uh...enjoy talking to you. Maybe, if you don't mind, we...uh...could...kinda...you know...uh, have lunch?"  If she likes you even somewhat she'll probably say, "Sure. Why not?" BTW, lunch is a lot less intimidating than dinner. So, keep it cool, and see where it goes.

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4 minutes ago, prisonchaplain said:

In all seriousness, just ask her. Don't wait until you don't feel awkward. Even if it comes out, "Uh, hey, ---name---, I kinda...sorta...you know...uh...enjoy talking to you. Maybe, if you don't mind, we...uh...could...kinda...you know...uh, have lunch?"  If she likes you even somewhat she'll probably say, "Sure. Why not?" BTW, lunch is a lot less intimidating than dinner. So, keep it cool, and see where it goes.

Thanks for the advice! Do you know how long it usually takes for a topic to be approved by a mod? I posted this topic yesterday and for some reason it seems stuck not having been approved. Haha!?

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18 hours ago, Danny Phantom said:

 My weakness, however, is with people that I either don't know at all or people that I know a little bit, but not to the point that I know enough about them to just go start a conversation out of the blue without it being awkward.  I just can't seem to think of a naturally flowing way of initiating a conversation in a situation like that.  I would like to get to know her better, and ask her out on a date if I can get to a point that I feel like it wouldn't be super awkward of me to do so, but I just don't know how to get the ball rolling. Do any of you have any advice for me?

Step 1: Walk up to her.

Step 2: Open your mouth.

It's really that simple.  Invite her to do something with you, so you two can get to know each other better.  Or just chat after church.  It doesn't have to be complicated or fancy.  Heck, you can even fall on your face walking to her (literally or metaphorically) and it'll work.

Edited by Jane_Doe
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6 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Step 1: Walk up to her.

Step 2: Open your mouth.

It's really that simple.  Invite her to do something with you, so you two can get to know each other better.  Or just chat after church.  It doesn't have to be complicated or fancy.  Heck, you can even fall on your face walking to her (literally or metaphorically) and it'll work.

Yup. 

From one guy to another-just be yourself. Simple as that.

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17 hours ago, Danny Phantom said:

There is a girl in my singles ward that I would really like to get to know a bit more.

Do any of you have any advice for me?

1) Don't have any expectations and only the mildest of hopes.  A big problem with asking a girl out in the first place is the expectation of something (good or bad).  Just don't think about it too much.

2) Don't get too hung up on one girl.  You just got back off your mission.  Do you really think you're just going to bump right into her and both of you will realize that lightning struck?  No.  It's JUST A DATE -- NOTHING MORE.  If you make it bigger in your mind, that is what kills you.

3) Concentrate on time together with some activities that don't require 100% conversation time.  At the same time, don't make it a movie where you don't really interact at all.  As you do things together, then talking will become natural.  Let that naturally develop.

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14 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

1) Don't have any expectations and only the mildest of hopes.  A big problem with asking a girl out in the first place is the expectation of something (good or bad).  Just don't think about it too much.

2) Don't get too hung up on one girl.  You just got back off your mission.  Do you really think you're just going to bump right into her and both of you will realize that lightning struck?  No.  It's JUST A DATE -- NOTHING MORE.  If you make it bigger in your mind, that is what kills you.

3) Concentrate on time together with some activities that don't require 100% conversation time.  At the same time, don't make it a movie where you don't really interact at all.  As you do things together, then talking will become natural.  Let that naturally develop.

Thanks for the advice! I wish I just barely got off my mission. I've been off my mission for over three years now. I've kind of been slacking on dating.? I definitely don't have any high hopes or expectations going into it, but I will admit, I'm really, really tired of relationships not going anywhere. It feels like every girl I date has the same "I'm not ready for a relationship because I'm still trying to figure out [insert whatever]" Regardless, I understand how things work and I'm cautiously keeping any hopes or expectations low.  I guess I mostly wanted to think of a segue into a natural conversation in which I would avoid the appearance of desperation, or trying too hard.

Edited by Danny Phantom
Changed "to" to "too".
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1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

2) Don't get too hung up on one girl.  You just got back off your mission.  Do you really think you're just going to bump right into her and both of you will realize that lightning struck?  No.  It's JUST A DATE -- NOTHING MORE.  If you make it bigger in your mind, that is what kills you.

Funny story about that-- 

My kid cousin just visited on his way to college.  It had been a few years since I've seen him, and back then he was TOTALLY head over heals about this girl-- talked my ears off about it for over an hour.  So I this week I asked him "so did you ever ask that girl out?"  He said: "Who??"  

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1 minute ago, Danny Phantom said:

  I guess I mostly wanted to think of a segue into a natural conversation in which I would avoid the appearance of desperation, or trying to hard.

You can't.  If you're desperate, you'll always show it.

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I'd just call her up and say...Hi...I'm Danny Phantom (or whatever the name is) from your ward.  I was wondering if you would like to go out on a date to (if a dinner, say a restaurant...or just dinner) this Friday (or whatever day) at 6 PM. 

If she says yes...great.  If she says no...well...you have your answer.  If she says she would love to, but is busy...maybe give it another try a second time, or give an alternate time for a date.

And then, the easy part is over.

You actually have to talk with her on the date.

 

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21 hours ago, Danny Phantom said:

This is my first post, so hello everyone! I feel like a super socially awkward person asking a question like this, but why not? Haha!  So, just for some context, I am a returned missionary and am fully active in the church.  There is a girl in my singles ward that I would really like to get to know a bit more.  I've talked to her several times, and was in a "picture scavenger hunt" group with her for FHE one monday, so we got to talk quite a bit there.  Honestly, this post may make it seem like I am a super socially awkward person, but I'm really not.  If I know the person, I have no problem whatsoever holding a conversation and even asking said person out.  My weakness, however, is with people that I either don't know at all or people that I know a little bit, but not to the point that I know enough about them to just go start a conversation out of the blue without it being awkward.  I just can't seem to think of a naturally flowing way of initiating a conversation in a situation like that.  I would like to get to know her better, and ask her out on a date if I can get to a point that I feel like it wouldn't be super awkward of me to do so, but I just don't know how to get the ball rolling. Do any of you have any advice for me?

You are already half-way there to starting up a conversation with her without it being ackward b/c you've already had several conversations with her.

The first conversation with someone can be awkward, but since you've already had an opportunity to talk at the scavenger hunt then the rest should be easy.  Probably the best way to restart conversations is to remember something you talked about together that was interesting, it could either be something she does, or did or something you have in common.

Say you talked about a history class she was studying during the picture scavenger hunt. The next time you see her you can say STE "So how did that history test turn out you were studying for?" Something like that.  The key is to remember something she liked (or hated but not in a horrible way) and to start the conversation from there.  Maybe she hates history and you have the same professor.  "Boy that test Prof. X gave really sucked!! I hated it, how did you do on it"

This is a general technique you can use in life.  The person will response favorably, you already have something to talk about and then (either immediately or later) the person will think, that guy was pretty cool he remember xyz detail that I told him about, he's a nice person. Once you have re-engaged using a natural common topic, then you can steer the conversation to other topics of interest or just get to know her better.

The biggest challenge to this tactic is to do it naturally so you don't come off like a creep "Man, that weirdo knew about this small thing I told him about and he's remembered everything about me . . .creeeeeep!!!"

Going up and saying "umm, hey yeah so how ya doing" is not the smartest tactic. It can work-but yeah that's the socially awkward way of doing it.

If you don't know them at all, best way is to somehow find a way to be near them during a common activity and then during the activity start talking.

Best way to reingage with someone you don't know well is to start off with something you discussed in the last conversation that was of interest to the person.

As far as general conversation guidelines people love stories, they love to tell stories about themselves and they enjoy hearing good stories from others.  If you get into a storytelling mode with someone you know you've started to connect.

Edited by JoCa
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3 hours ago, Danny Phantom said:

Thanks for the advice! I wish I just barely got off my mission. I've been off my mission for over three years now. I've kind of been slacking on dating.? I definitely don't have any high hopes or expectations going into it, but I will admit, I'm really, really tired of relationships not going anywhere. It feels like every girl I date has the same "I'm not ready for a relationship because I'm still trying to figure out [insert whatever]" Regardless, I understand how things work and I'm cautiously keeping any hopes or expectations low.  I guess I mostly wanted to think of a segue into a natural conversation in which I would avoid the appearance of desperation, or trying too hard.

You mention that you are 3 years returned from your mission, what you don't mention is where you are at in life.  Are you finished with school? If not when do you finish and what are you studying?  If your done do you have a real job yet?

You will be surprised how attitudes and excuses for not being in a serious relationship will change once you have accomplished some of these things, they will line up to marry you.

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21 hours ago, Danny Phantom said:

This is my first post, so hello everyone! I feel like a super socially awkward person asking a question like this, but why not? Haha!  So, just for some context, I am a returned missionary and am fully active in the church.  There is a girl in my singles ward that I would really like to get to know a bit more.  I've talked to her several times, and was in a "picture scavenger hunt" group with her for FHE one monday, so we got to talk quite a bit there.  Honestly, this post may make it seem like I am a super socially awkward person, but I'm really not.  If I know the person, I have no problem whatsoever holding a conversation and even asking said person out.  My weakness, however, is with people that I either don't know at all or people that I know a little bit, but not to the point that I know enough about them to just go start a conversation out of the blue without it being awkward.  I just can't seem to think of a naturally flowing way of initiating a conversation in a situation like that.  I would like to get to know her better, and ask her out on a date if I can get to a point that I feel like it wouldn't be super awkward of me to do so, but I just don't know how to get the ball rolling. Do any of you have any advice for me?

Need some help taking the next step, eh? My firm can draft and Letters of Intent to Pursue and have them served and returned by the weekend. For a fee of course.

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In the dating realm here are tidbits if I had the opportunity to go back this is what I would do:

1) Relax -- we create to much anxiety in our lives by the illusion of outcomes.
2) Honor agency -- always remember to honor the agency of the other person. They have every right to say "No," or appear to be "confused," or appear to be stand offish. Honor whatever their response with love and charity.
3) Confidence - confidence is increased by increments, "Do the thing that you fear, and the death of fear is certain." (don't remember author) The more you approach the easier it will become, and the more relaxed you will be. Some women actually are impressed by the awkward approach of a man trying to make an honest approach to get to know her. Some are not. Return back to #1 and #2 if so.

Pretty soon, all that anxiety will dissipate, or be within levels that are easily maintained or controlled and you will be going on more dates. :)

Edited by Anddenex
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Does she tend to comment during Sunday School? Talk to her about something she said - after class, after church, at FHE the next day. If there's a ward or stake activity coming up, talk about that - it sounds cool, you've done something like that before and x, etc. In a couple weeks you could talk about how conference is coming up and compare plans - are you going to watch with your family, with the ward, at home, at the conference center?

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2 hours ago, Anddenex said:


2) Honor agency -- always remember to honor the agency of the other person. They have every right to say "No," or appear to be "confused," or appear to be stand offish. Honor whatever their response with love and charity.

I once burst into tears when a guy asked me out-- NOT the reaction he was expecting.  But it all worked out: that guy is now my husband. 

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2 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

I once burst into tears when a guy asked me out-- NOT the reaction he was expecting.  But it all worked out: that guy is now my husband. 

Oh wow! That certainly is quite the reaction to being asked out! Were they tears of joy, horror, or nervousness? Haha!

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I asked a girl out once and she said "I thought you were gay." It made me laugh, and it also taught me that once you hear that, things can't ever get that awkward again. 

Edited by MormonGator
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