newlywed

Newlywed, confused about possible revelation

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I'm new to these forums, so forgive me if I don't folow the regular social cues. 

So a bit of background, I'm 20 years old and just married 2 months ago to the most wonderful man (21). We've know each other for a long time, and I've loved him for every second of it. We're having no relationship issues, we've got through every trial we've had together. But lately I've been getting some strong feelings in my day to day life and when I pray that we should be having children. Don't get me wrong, we both want kids, but we want to wait for the right time, which we thought would be in at least 2-3 years. Right now, we're just not in a good position for it. We're really low on money, both looking for new jobs (he is working, I am not), struggling to figure out how we're both going to go back to college, and still getting used to being married.

I know I should bring it up with him, but I don't know how. I've always been able to tell him everything, but I think that having kids right now scares me, and the fact that it almost seems like the right thing to do scares me even more. So I guess I'm just looking for advice. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? What did you do? Did it work out?

I want to trust in God, and it seems like these feelings are from God, but logically it seems so wrong.

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Welcome to the forums, @newlywed!  Congratulations on your marriage!

First, I'm going to refer you to a post I made in another thread:

Next, I'm going to point out that in my experience, you will have the most success getting clear guidance if you study out the issue, make a decision (that doesn't mean the decision has to be what logic or math tells you, it just has to mean that you've considered everything you can think of to consider, and then made a decision), and then ask the Lord whether the decision is right.  (This seems to work better than asking the Lord to tell you what to do.)

Finally, you of course need to counsel together with your husband about this.  Find the right time, when he's not stressed or rushing to do something or too exhausted to think straight. :)  Let him know about these feelings you've had, your doubts about them, and that you'd like to consider the issue with open minds.

God is a God of miracles, and I think that's what my dad's story shows.  But He also expects us to work and think and make wise choices, so there's always a balance.  In your case, you need to consider everything, plan what you can, trust in the Lord, and be open to his reply to your prayer.

I wish you and your husband a long and happy life together with a beautiful family. :)  I hope you'll stick around and tell us how it goes.

Next you'll get replies which are perhaps wiser than mine (though I consider my dad's story to be wise counsel), and certainly more experienced (since I have no children, so I haven't been in a similar situation).

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1 hour ago, newlywed said:

I'm new to these forums, so forgive me if I don't folow the regular social cues. 

So a bit of background, I'm 20 years old and just married 2 months ago to the most wonderful man (21). We've know each other for a long time, and I've loved him for every second of it. We're having no relationship issues, we've got through every trial we've had together. But lately I've been getting some strong feelings in my day to day life and when I pray that we should be having children. Don't get me wrong, we both want kids, but we want to wait for the right time, which we thought would be in at least 2-3 years. Right now, we're just not in a good position for it. We're really low on money, both looking for new jobs (he is working, I am not), struggling to figure out how we're both going to go back to college, and still getting used to being married.

I know I should bring it up with him, but I don't know how. I've always been able to tell him everything, but I think that having kids right now scares me, and the fact that it almost seems like the right thing to do scares me even more. So I guess I'm just looking for advice. Has anyone been in a situation like this before? What did you do? Did it work out?

I want to trust in God, and it seems like these feelings are from God, but logically it seems so wrong.

There is this thing called the law of witnesses.  When a revelation is from God, it will not come to just one individual, it will be confirmed by a another person with a stake in the matter receiving the same revelation. 

So please do bring it up with your husband.  He may be having similar feelings, or if he gives it some thought and prayer he may get a confirmation and then the two of you can move forward united in faith.  Or he may receive a different prompting and you can have some comfort that you are not violating God's will in waiting a bit as you plan.  Just say 'Honey, I need to tell you something I've been feeling and get your thoughts on it...'  you aren't dictating to him what will happen, you are trying to work something out together.

I proposed to my wife 6 weeks after I got back from my mission, we were married 6 months later.  I was in school full time and she had a job at a retail store so we didn't have a lot of money.  We didn't wait however, she was pregnant a month after the wedding and over the next 10 years our first 5 kids were born.  Yes there were financial challenges and sacrifices, but we kept paying tithing and it worked out.  We did have to have a friend babysit for a couple years while she was at work and I was at class, but after I graduated she was able to be a full time mom up.  Our kids are older now so recently she was able to finish her degree.  She has a career and I do too and I can work from home so even though our youngest in in high school he still has a parent at home.  My wife says it is better to chase kids when in your 20s and do home work in your 40s than the other way around.

Now that might not be the right path for you guys, but just because you are young poor newlyweds doesn't mean starting a family is impossible or wrong.  You both need to take this to God and then act in faith on the answer.  It doesn't matter if it doesn't seem logical, if you feel peace and confidence from the spirit over it, go with it and trust God to clear the path before you. 

Edited by Latter-Day Marriage

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Having children is major.  Being married, you don't have the right to decide this on your own. 

 

It seems like you and your husband have a good plan. I personally think it's important to lay a proper foundation for bringing children into the world. 

Edited by mrmarklin

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On 9/14/2017 at 7:06 PM, NightSG said:

Just stop trying not to have kids. It'll happen when it happens. 

This is just not good advice. You will have a greater chance of long term happiness if you check a few things off the life list first.

1. College education for both of you. One never knows what the future will hold, and while in a perfect  world your husband will be an earner and you can stay at home with your kids the world throws curve balls at you sometimes. What if he gets hit by a bus? or gets sick? or gets a girlfriend and leaves you?  

2. Get real jobs (after graduation) with real benefits. 

These are the things that you should be seeking spiritual guidance on and praying about don't put the cart before the horse.

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25 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

This is just not good advice. You will have a greater chance of long term happiness if you check a few things off the life list first.

1. College education for both of you. One never knows what the future will hold, and while in a perfect  world your husband will be an earner and you can stay at home with your kids the world throws curve balls at you sometimes. What if he gets hit by a bus? or gets sick? or gets a girlfriend and leaves you?  

2. Get real jobs (after graduation) with real benefits. 

These are the things that you should be seeking spiritual guidance on and praying about don't put the cart before the horse.

1.)  Not necessarily.  College education is not a must for a good job in the US.  Rush Limbaugh, for example, never stepped foot in a college.  Jordan Peterson, a college professor, said not too long ago that the best advice he can give to high school grads is to avoid college in the USA and Canada.  In the Philippines, you go to college to get a white collar job.  But the way things are looking in the USA, the cost of college is making it harder to justify its value on the resume.  Trade schools can be a better option.  It is a shorter time commitment and a cheaper investment.  So, these "what if" questions may be great to make sure one plans for contingencies but the best answer for them is not always "go to college".

2.)  Getting married follows having children.  It is not dependent on college.  Therefore, getting married and then having children is not putting the cart before the horse.  Getting married before being ready for children is putting the cart before the horse.

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36 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

This is just not good advice. You will have a greater chance of long term happiness if you check a few things off the life list first.

1. College education for both of you. One never knows what the future will hold, and while in a perfect  world your husband will be an earner and you can stay at home with your kids the world throws curve balls at you sometimes. What if he gets hit by a bus? or gets sick? or gets a girlfriend and leaves you?  

2. Get real jobs (after graduation) with real benefits. 

These are the things that you should be seeking spiritual guidance on and praying about don't put the cart before the horse.

My DW started University a year before I got back from my mission.  We married soon after I got back and she dropped out to support me.  Our 3rd child was on the way when I graduated.  Once all our kids were older she went back to school and finished her degree and has a career now.  She says it is better to chase kids in your 20s and do homework in your 40's than the other way around.

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8 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

2.)   Getting married follows having children.

Getting married is followed by having children?

Having children follows getting married?

I'm reasonably certain you didn't mean to imply that couples should have children first and then get married. ;)

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7 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

1.)  Not necessarily.  College education is not a must for a good job in the US.  Rush Limbaugh, for example, never stepped foot in a college.  Jordan Peterson, a college professor, said not too long ago that the best advice he can give to high school grads is to avoid college in the USA and Canada.  In the Philippines, you go to college to get a white collar job.  But the way things are looking in the USA, the cost of college is making it harder to justify its value on the resume.  Trade schools can be a better option.  It is a shorter time commitment and a cheaper investment.  So, these "what if" questions may be great to make sure one plans for contingencies but the best answer for them is not always "go to college".

The OP stated that they were both going back to college so it is the path that they have chosen.  There are always exceptions and a piece of paper on the wall does not make you any smarter than your mechanic or plumber but if you want to be in the white collar world it opens doors for you.  There are always exceptions to the rule you mentioned Rush Limbaugh, Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Dave Thomas, Larry Ellison......so can you be successful without college absolutely but you shouldn't live your life trying to be the exception to the rule.

 

13 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

2.)  Getting married follows having children.  It is not dependent on college.  Therefore, getting married and then having children is not putting the cart before the horse.  Getting married before being ready for children is putting the cart before the horse.

By your logic they shouldn't be married. 

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7 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

My DW started University a year before I got back from my mission.  We married soon after I got back and she dropped out to support me.  Our 3rd child was on the way when I graduated.  Once all our kids were older she went back to school and finished her degree and has a career now.  She says it is better to chase kids in your 20s and do homework in your 40's than the other way around.

I am happy it worked out for you. Would you or your wife give your daughter the same advice? 

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1 hour ago, zil said:

Getting married is followed by having children?

Having children follows getting married?

I'm reasonably certain you didn't mean to imply that couples should have children first and then get married. ;)

I think anatess meant it logically follows, as in: if you want to have children, it follows that you need to get married.

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2 minutes ago, Vort said:

I think anatess meant it logically follows, as in: if you want to have children, it follows that you need to get married.

I think so too, it's just not clear from the sentence structure (and I figured it would probably be better to make it clear in this thread).

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1 hour ago, zil said:

Getting married is followed by having children?

Having children follows getting married?

I'm reasonably certain you didn't mean to imply that couples should have children first and then get married. ;)

I'm getting addicted to your fountain pens.  Maybe another illustration to correct my stupid grammar. :)

 

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2 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

The OP stated that they were both going back to college so it is the path that they have chosen.  There are always exceptions and a piece of paper on the wall does not make you any smarter than your mechanic or plumber but if you want to be in the white collar world it opens doors for you.  There are always exceptions to the rule you mentioned Rush Limbaugh, Steve Jobs, Richard Branson, Dave Thomas, Larry Ellison......so can you be successful without college absolutely but you shouldn't live your life trying to be the exception to the rule.

 

By your logic they shouldn't be married. 

Right, their going back to college does't necessarily mean it has to be completed before having kids.  My husband, for example, did not have a college degree when we got married.  I did because... Filipino.  He finished college right before our 2nd son was born.  He was a runway model.  They don't care for college graduation papers in modeling.  He finished college to land himself a VP job in IT.  He got into IT through certifications - no college - and climbed the ladder.  He got a bachelor's degree through night school paid for by his job.  This is not an "exception".  Lots of people do it this way and are quite successful.  The unsuccessful ones are all these millenials going to college for the sake of finishing college (because everyone thinks they have to), comes out with a mountain of debt and no job.

2 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

By your logic they shouldn't be married. 

Incorrect.  By my logic, the fact that they're married means they should be ready for children.

 

 

 

 

Edited by anatess2

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23 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

I'm getting addicted to your fountain pens.  Maybe another illustration to correct my stupid grammar. :)

OK.  Here are three text edits and a drawing (same pens and inks as yesterday)...

step2.thumb.jpg.ae79f8728fc619b480b8a0da2d7baec4.jpg

Edited by zil
thank you for holding

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2 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

I am happy it worked out for you. Would you or your wife give your daughter the same advice? 

I'm giving my sons this advice.  You work your bum off to figure out how to feed your family however way you feel that can be best accomplished.  

One kid is 16 and is currently making $15 per 30-minute lesson teaching music while going through junior year in high school.  He plans to go to a mission then go to whatever music school/conservatory/college/university offers him the best opportunity for the least money so he can get the necessary credentials for a music production career.  He plans to get married when his girlfriend says Yes after his mission.  Whether this happens before or after he gets a job in music production, doesn't matter.  I have absolute confidence that he already has the skillset to feed his family.

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3 minutes ago, zil said:

OK.  Here are three text edits and a drawing (same pens and inks as yesterday)...

step2.thumb.jpg.ae79f8728fc619b480b8a0da2d7baec4.jpg

Zil, I have to say, it's like you give me Christmas presents every time you do one of these.  That Step 1 and Step 2 illustration can be sold for a lot of money and put into a decal for the soccer mom's van.

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1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

Right, their going back to college does't necessarily mean it has to be completed before having kids.  My husband, for example, did not have a college degree when we got married.  I did because... Filipino.  He finished college right before our 2nd son was born.  He was a runway model.  They don't care for college graduation papers in modeling.  He finished college to land himself a VP job in IT.  He got into IT through certifications - no college - and climbed the ladder.  He got a bachelor's degree through night school paid for by his job.  This is not an "exception".  Lots of people do it this way and are quite successful.  The unsuccessful ones are all these millenials going to college for the sake of finishing college (because everyone thinks they have to), comes out with a mountain of debt and no job.

You will see parts highlighted by me. I bet they liked seeing that college degree when he wanted to be a VP. Sorry to disappoint but your example is the exception to the rule.

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

Incorrect.  By my logic, the fact that they're married means they should be ready for children.

That's what I thought you meant, which is why I made my statement.  Fundamentally I think that I can agree with you, if you are ready to be married you should be ready to bring children into this world.  I will follow it up by saying that if you think you are ready to get married you should look hard in the mirror and ask yourself if you are in a place where you can support a family. 

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1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

I'm giving my sons this advice.  You work your bum off to figure out how to feed your family however way you feel that can be best accomplished.  

 

Great advice. I have had to do that. 

1 hour ago, anatess2 said:

One kid is 16 and is currently making $15 per 30-minute lesson teaching music while going through junior year in high school.  He plans to go to a mission then go to whatever music school/conservatory/college/university offers him the best opportunity for the least money so he can get the necessary credentials for a music production career.  He plans to get married when his girlfriend says Yes after his mission.  Whether this happens before or after he gets a job in music production, doesn't matter.  I have absolute confidence that he already has the skillset to feed his family.

Why would we take something that in already difficult and stressful and compound the injury by getting married and having kids before we are able to financially support them? 

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Do you have health insurance with his job?  Are you covered on that insurance?  Marriage is a qualifying life event to change benefit programs.  Whether or not you are ready to have children... I wouldn't until you had insurance to help should there be any complications.  

Your life is in a state of flux right now between college, work, and being newly married.  Adding one more variable - particularly before YOU have secured employment - would make it more difficult.  I don't care what the LAW says - it will be more difficult to get work if you are visibly pregnant.

You don't need to be 'rich' to have children, but you should have your needs being met with a little extra - cause you're gonna need it.  

Here's a good book that I'd recommend reading for ALL newly married couples - and it's cheap to get from Amazon.  Just realize that there may be more rough patches than you may be anticipating.  This story is great at outlining different things and what you can do about them.  It'll help reset any financial expectations you may have about married life.

https://www.amazon.com/Financing-Your-Life-families-financial-ebook/dp/B00K5CB4I0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1506470294&sr=8-2&keywords=Financing+Your+Life

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