estowife Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 So I have been married for 21 years, and have had plenty of ups & downs during that time as all marriages do, but the last 3 years have been unbearable. We have 3 daughters aged 16, 14 & 10. My husband is impossible to live with. He is arrogant, unreasonable, controlling etc he has destroyed every relationship in this family, yet refuses to acknowledge he has any part in it. He refuses to consider the possibility that he needs to change or compromise, will not seek advice or help, just continues to steam roller over us all with his controlling nature. Naturally I am now at the point where I just cannot take any more. I want him out of my life & out of my childrens lives (obviously that's not going to happen). The problem is practical & financial. We live in a beautiful home with a significant mortgage! Serious separation & divorce would mean selling the house & trying to find something for me & the girls with what little we have left....Thats obviously a long process & way down the line...if we get to it. At the moment we are living under one roof & I have been telling myself for the last year that I will just put up with it....we have to live together & thats that. I thought I could carry on like that, but now I feel that I can't. I have asked him to leave before, but he won't, the other alternative is that me & the girls leave (a much harder job). Has anybody managed to carry on living with their spouse because there is no alternative, even though emotionally its over and all you want is them gone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zil Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 @estowife, I'm sorry for your struggles. Have you been to talk with the bishop? If not, I would highly recommend it. anatess2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 57 minutes ago, zil said: @estowife, I'm sorry for your struggles. Have you been to talk with the bishop? If not, I would highly recommend it. And a marriage counselor. Even if you go by yourself. JohnsonJones, Jane_Doe, zil and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemisphere Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) dear estowife, sometimes people happen not to function how we would like them to be. you have my sympathies for your failing relationship and I know what it is like to live with a partner that is incorrigible. However, do you really think that the price of your peace should be tied to conveniences ? If the house is already and indicator that you live beyond your means, it would be probably best to consider to free yourself of a burden of a mortgage to start over fresh. A divorce is never easy and the hardest on children. However it will affect your children to see their parents being miserable day in and day out. Also from a practical point of view, when a divorce commences it is bound to include a lot of inconveniences along with finding a place and the means to provide for yourself. Surely not as cozy as you had it, but it means you can mend bridges, build you new ones and perhaps do things you always wanted to do to empower yourself and achieve contentment. Sometimes we need to bite the bullet and move on. But hardships ultimately yield great bounties. Do not be disheartened to take the narrow and stony path. Sometimes it is necessary to do that in order to shake of the shackles of complacency and appreciate what you have and what you are going to obtain through your own hands hard work. It may not be answer you are looking for but, you have to make a choice between perpetual misery or salvaging your life to restore a good foundation for rebuilding. Brace yourself, in any case it won´t be easy. Edited September 25, 2017 by Hemisphere addendum Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 Whether the counseling helps or not, hopefully you’re working on a plan towards financial independence—whether that means more education, honing a marketable skill, building a professional network, or whatever else that might entail. Jane_Doe 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
person0 Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) 9 hours ago, estowife said: So I have been married for 21 years, and have had plenty of ups & downs during that time as all marriages do, but the last 3 years have been unbearable. We have 3 daughters aged 16, 14 & 10. My husband is impossible to live with. He is arrogant, unreasonable, controlling etc he has destroyed every relationship in this family, yet refuses to acknowledge he has any part in it. He refuses to consider the possibility that he needs to change or compromise, will not seek advice or help, just continues to steam roller over us all with his controlling nature. Naturally I am now at the point where I just cannot take any more. I want him out of my life & out of my childrens lives (obviously that's not going to happen). The problem is practical & financial. We live in a beautiful home with a significant mortgage! Serious separation & divorce would mean selling the house & trying to find something for me & the girls with what little we have left....Thats obviously a long process & way down the line...if we get to it. At the moment we are living under one roof & I have been telling myself for the last year that I will just put up with it....we have to live together & thats that. I thought I could carry on like that, but now I feel that I can't. I have asked him to leave before, but he won't, the other alternative is that me & the girls leave (a much harder job). Has anybody managed to carry on living with their spouse because there is no alternative, even though emotionally its over and all you want is them gone I just recently attended a Foster training where a mother remained married to and in the home of her husband who sexually abused two of their daughters. She didn't learn of the abuse until their daughters were 15, but she didn't leave her husband even after that for the same reasons you mentioned. She was afraid because of finances. This deeply angers me on many levels. Be not afraid. That is my advice. If your husband is a mean person but is otherwise relatively normal and there are no safety issues, that's one thing. If his behaviors result in verbal and emotional abuse, or abuse of any other kind, poverty is probably better for you and your children than abuse. I do, however, sincerely believe that people can change through the atonement. I have also heard of stories where men who acted like you claim your spouse does were harboring self resentment for past transgressions that were unrepentant. In one story the man confessed to the bishop and once clean had a significant change in demeanor. Is is possible your spouse has unrepented past transgressions (aside from his other characteristics)? Is it possible your spouse has past life trauma that could be helped by private therapy? Edited September 25, 2017 by person0 seashmore 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 11 hours ago, estowife said: So I have been married for 21 years, and have had plenty of ups & downs during that time as all marriages do, but the last 3 years have been unbearable. We have 3 daughters aged 16, 14 & 10. My husband is impossible to live with. He is arrogant, unreasonable, controlling etc he has destroyed every relationship in this family, yet refuses to acknowledge he has any part in it. He refuses to consider the possibility that he needs to change or compromise, will not seek advice or help, just continues to steam roller over us all with his controlling nature. Naturally I am now at the point where I just cannot take any more. I want him out of my life & out of my childrens lives (obviously that's not going to happen). The problem is practical & financial. We live in a beautiful home with a significant mortgage! Serious separation & divorce would mean selling the house & trying to find something for me & the girls with what little we have left....Thats obviously a long process & way down the line...if we get to it. At the moment we are living under one roof & I have been telling myself for the last year that I will just put up with it....we have to live together & thats that. I thought I could carry on like that, but now I feel that I can't. I have asked him to leave before, but he won't, the other alternative is that me & the girls leave (a much harder job). Has anybody managed to carry on living with their spouse because there is no alternative, even though emotionally its over and all you want is them gone If he is the monster that you say he is you need to speak to an attorney ASAP. Living in the same home with him can and probably has done irreparable damage to your kids. Reconcile yourself to the fact that you will have to sell the home and move, you will split the proceeds 50/50 most likely he will pay child support and alimony. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jane_Doe Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 I recommend 3 things, each will be a great benefit of you regardless of how your marriage goes (divorce, reconciliation, etc)--- - Marriage counseling. Even if he doesn't want to go with you, go by yourself. It'll help you learn what are healthy boundaries and communication techniques. These will be a great boon to you, whether or not the marriage continues. - Getting yourself into a position where you're able to bring in a good income. If that means going back to school, do that. If it means just applying for jobs, start that today. - Take care of yourself in general. Make sure you're eating right, getting exercise, sleep, scripture reading, etc. You need to be strong and healthy in all ways to change your world. Backroads 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Karma Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 53 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said: If he is the monster that you say he is you need to speak to an attorney ASAP. Living in the same home with him can and probably has done irreparable damage to your kids. Reconcile yourself to the fact that you will have to sell the home and move, you will split the proceeds 50/50 most likely he will pay child support and alimony. Did you actually read her post? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mdfxdb Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 (edited) 2 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said: If he is the monster that you say he is you need to speak to an attorney ASAP. Living in the same home with him can and probably has done irreparable damage to your kids. Reconcile yourself to the fact that you will have to sell the home and move, you will split the proceeds 50/50 most likely he will pay child support and alimony. I agree with Omega on this one. If he is that bad, then you should speak to an attorney. Are you really willing to sacrifice your happiness for a nice house? How about the happiness of your children. Omega is correct, if he is the breadwinner, then you will likely get child support and alimony. OP, you state no alternative. See above. That's your alternative. If he is a monster, then you are harming yourself and your children by staying there. In my mind you have no alternative but to leave. Unless of course you choose to be selfish, and like to subject yourself and your children to abuse on a continual basis. Edited September 25, 2017 by mdfxdb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Latter-Day Marriage Posted September 25, 2017 Report Share Posted September 25, 2017 Is the house in his name, both your names, or your name? If you feel it is necessary and right for you to leave, the church can help financially with rent and basic needs. Your Bishop or RS Prez may be able to help tap into community resources too. Also, be sure to pay your tithing, you need the blessings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarklin Posted September 26, 2017 Report Share Posted September 26, 2017 Before you make any decision get some counseling even if it's only yourself. This can give you perspective as to what to do. Remember, you have a responsibility to your children over your personal needs. In eight years, you can leave with a clear conscience. We need more information, as you have not told us how your husbands behaviors negatively affects the children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunday21 Posted September 27, 2017 Report Share Posted September 27, 2017 @estowife. Hi there! I really sympathisize. What to do? I would go see a lawyer and see if you might get a couple of years of support to get some training. College degree in nursing? Computer coding? I live in another country and I know of job options here but not sure about the us. Living with a nasty parent is tough on kids. Wishing you all the best. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Karma Posted September 27, 2017 Report Share Posted September 27, 2017 Ok, call me a wuss, but this thread brought me to tears. Backroads, Sunday21 and seashmore 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnsonJones Posted September 27, 2017 Report Share Posted September 27, 2017 On 9/25/2017 at 8:42 AM, anatess2 said: And a marriage counselor. Even if you go by yourself. I would highly advise this as well. If you can (and you may need a Bishopric help to point this out to your husband) go jointly, both you and your spouse. I'd say this is the first thing to do before contemplating things that could have far reaching consequences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunday21 Posted September 27, 2017 Report Share Posted September 27, 2017 (edited) Is this nasty spouse a punisher? If spouse punishes wife or children, it can be unwise to go for counselling with him. Sometimes counselling gives the abuser more ammunition to play with and an ally in the counsellor. Some of our lds counsellors are duds. This is something to pray about and perhaps go to the temple to ponder. Edited September 28, 2017 by Sunday21 estowife 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoCa Posted September 27, 2017 Report Share Posted September 27, 2017 (edited) On 9/25/2017 at 4:36 AM, estowife said: So I have been married for 21 years, and have had plenty of ups & downs during that time as all marriages do, but the last 3 years have been unbearable. We have 3 daughters aged 16, 14 & 10. My husband is impossible to live with. He is arrogant, unreasonable, controlling etc he has destroyed every relationship in this family, yet refuses to acknowledge he has any part in it. You have given a lot of generalities but not a whole lot of specifics. But I do have a couple of questions. I personally believe that there are several destructive ideologies that have permeated our current culture that is IMO absolutely destroying the family. First off, have you considered that you husband might be lashing out because he is outnumbered. 1 man and 4 women in a household could be quite challenging. I'm not saying you are doing any of the following, but just questions to consider. How much do you let your husband take his natural role as head of household? When ideas come up do you try and take the lead and "wear the pants" vs. allowing your husband to fulfill his natural role as provider, protector and leader of the family? When engaged in discipline or conversations about how to raise children how often do you take your daughters side of things and dispute with your husband on the when's, why's, how's of raising children? If you are involving your children and taking their sides in issues, discussions, arguments then quite honestly you are doing it wrong. I can clearly see how if a wife is snipping at her husband, constantly nagging, trying to assert herself and combat her husband at every turn that the husband will feel attacked and as if no one is on his side. The natural reaction will then be to try and assert more control in order to regain any lost authority and or leadership. This will eventually lead to a power struggle and a power struggle is never good. If I read anything, this is what I read in your words that you are engaged in a power struggle with your husband. And quite frankly that is destroying your relationship with him. It's the same concept with a toddler. A toddler engages in a power struggle with the parent to assert control . . .if an adult stoops to the level of engaging in the power struggle then they have already lost and the relationship between the toddler and the adult becomes very, very difficult. So the questions to ask: Are you engaged in and engaging in a power struggle with your husband? If so, why? It's not God's way, nor His idea for a God centered marriage. Ephesians 5:22-24King James Version (KJV) 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Now I'm not suggesting you are (or any wife is) her husband's chattle or servant or anything of that nature. Just simply that God has ordained and called the man to be the head of household; if that gives you problems, causes you to squirm or whatnot then you need to re-evaluate your priorities and how God has ordained marriage to work. Since God has ordained the husband to be the head of the household, then let him lead. Let him be masculine and not some emasculated shell of a man. Let him be the strong provider, protector, leader. Again in no way am I suggesting that he can or should exert unrighteous dominion (physical altercations, name-calling, any type of abuse is ungodly and must be stopped). But if you are taking your daughters sides in issues, STOP. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (minus abuse) SIDE WITH YOUR DAUGHTERS. It is important that children see their parents united, it is important that your husband see your and united with him. It is more important to demonstrate unity to your children rather than whether that particular instance is something you disagree with. It is 100% ago to disagree. One can disagree and still present a united front to the children. I will say this, excepting for abuse, divorcing will absolutely be the worst decision you can and could ever make for the future of your children. I hope I'm wrong with my interpretations. I would love for a specific instance or two in order to help more. Edited September 27, 2017 by JoCa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Karma Posted September 28, 2017 Report Share Posted September 28, 2017 Estowife, I challenge you to see beyond his anger, anger is a secondary emotion, usually secondary to fear. I have my own reasons for why this thread breaks my heart, I can only tell you don't give up, look for what it is that is actually eating at him. Remember that he is God's son. Hang on to one another with all your might, get help from your bishop in saving your marriage. Husbands and wives are not supposed to be disposable. This is not how it is meant to be. It was worth loving him in the beginning, then it is worth loving him now. May the spirit show you the way. zil and seashmore 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
estowife Posted September 28, 2017 Author Report Share Posted September 28, 2017 (edited) Thanks everybody for your comments, I actually came on here to take the post down, but thought I would just add a couple of things real quick as i don't have much time 1. I am a registered nurse, so qualification, education etc is taken care of ( I currently work part time) 2. It's not a power struggle as such, its just I totally disagree with most of the actions he takes, and so will not support him. I think 'unrighteous dominion' fits the situation 3. most of the time I am just back to square one of deciding to put up with him until it errupts again, things are ok at the minute, but it doesn't last long 4. counselling is not too readily available in England, & my know it all husband thinks he is an expert in everything, you get nowhere arguing with him cos he just regurgitates all the books he's read. i fear counselling will back up his ideologies & make me out to be the bad guy. 5. we spoke to the bishop a little over 6 months ago, his advice to my husband was to put the books down & listen to his wife more....he can't bring himself to do that - he knows best... I will just keep working with him .... I will probably take the post down in a couple of days Thank you x Edited September 28, 2017 by estowife Sunday21 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoCa Posted September 28, 2017 Report Share Posted September 28, 2017 5 hours ago, estowife said: Thanks everybody for your comments, I actually came on here to take the post down, but thought I would just add a couple of things real quick as i don't have much time 1. I am a registered nurse, so qualification, education etc is taken care of ( I currently work part time) 2. It's not a power struggle as such, its just I totally disagree with most of the actions he takes, and so will not support him. I think 'unrighteous dominion' fits the situation 3. most of the time I am just back to square one of deciding to put up with him until it errupts again, things are ok at the minute, but it doesn't last long 4. counselling is not too readily available in England, & my know it all husband thinks he is an expert in everything, you get nowhere arguing with him cos he just regurgitates all the books he's read. i fear counselling will back up his ideologies & make me out to be the bad guy. 5. we spoke to the bishop a little over 6 months ago, his advice to my husband was to put the books down & listen to his wife more....he can't bring himself to do that - he knows best... I will just keep working with him .... I will probably take the post down in a couple of days Thank you x I truly hope you and your husband are able to come together to resolve this. For #2, are the actions he is taking actions that involve actual sin? If that is the case, then I wholeheartedly agree with you. If it's not sin, then unrighteous dominion involves demanding someone do something that they have no right to demand then to do. Which in a marriage relationship could simply involve either a power struggle or a severe lack of understanding of proper roles inside the household. Again you are light on actual examples . . .a simple example (it could be made-up but at least similar) would help give greater insight. What books is he reading and what ideology is he getting? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Latter-Day Marriage Posted September 28, 2017 Report Share Posted September 28, 2017 There is no need to take the post down, it may be helpful to somebody else down the road. Going to see the Bishop or a counselor on your own would be a good thing to do. He might go with you to make sure his side gets heard. Jane_Doe and seashmore 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Subir Valhalla Posted November 10, 2017 Report Share Posted November 10, 2017 You married the wrong guy it sounds like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anatess2 Posted November 10, 2017 Report Share Posted November 10, 2017 (edited) 2 hours ago, Subir Valhalla said: You married the wrong guy it sounds like. Let's talk about this. So, you married the wrong guy (or girl in your case). What then? Edited November 10, 2017 by anatess2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad Karma Posted November 11, 2017 Report Share Posted November 11, 2017 13 hours ago, Subir Valhalla said: You married the wrong guy it sounds like. Oh no you don't, mister.... Nope..... Considering the below referenced gem of yours, you have nothing to say to her. http://mormonhub.com/forums/topic/63286-dangerous-affection-caution-long-post/ zil 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostinwater Posted November 14, 2017 Report Share Posted November 14, 2017 On 9/25/2017 at 1:36 AM, estowife said: So I have been married for 21 years, and have had plenty of ups & downs during that time as all marriages do, but the last 3 years have been unbearable. We have 3 daughters aged 16, 14 & 10. My husband is impossible to live with. He is arrogant, unreasonable, controlling etc he has destroyed every relationship in this family, yet refuses to acknowledge he has any part in it. He refuses to consider the possibility that he needs to change or compromise, will not seek advice or help, just continues to steam roller over us all with his controlling nature. Naturally I am now at the point where I just cannot take any more. I want him out of my life & out of my childrens lives (obviously that's not going to happen). The problem is practical & financial. We live in a beautiful home with a significant mortgage! Serious separation & divorce would mean selling the house & trying to find something for me & the girls with what little we have left....Thats obviously a long process & way down the line...if we get to it. At the moment we are living under one roof & I have been telling myself for the last year that I will just put up with it....we have to live together & thats that. I thought I could carry on like that, but now I feel that I can't. I have asked him to leave before, but he won't, the other alternative is that me & the girls leave (a much harder job). Has anybody managed to carry on living with their spouse because there is no alternative, even though emotionally its over and all you want is them gone i have a sister who has 6 kids and just separated from her husband. it's been awful and good for her at the same time. What she was in was not sustainable. She was being made to experience the consequences of his actions. Though in fairness, she had allowed that to happen. He's changed a lot - and it is hard to say what will happen at this point. Divorce or not has to be your decision. But i am not sure you do anyone any favors by continually absorbing the consequences of their actions. People *need* consequences to trigger change. It might be the kindest thing you could possibly do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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