The bottomless pit of sex/pornography addiction


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Hi all!

I've been married to my husband, and best friend, for 20+ years. The majority of these years he's been plagued by a pornography/sex addiction. In the beginning I tried to be supportive, I asked what I could do to help, etc., He said he'd get control of it himself. Little did I know, it was not something he could take care of himself. His addiction grew from viewing pornography occasionally, to viewing it daily, to eventually committing adultery with numerous women over the course of about 5 years. After I discovered this ( I honestly think he would have taken the secret to his grave)  I became angry and separated from him. We have 4 kids, and I knew they needed their Dad, so I agreed to work on things, if he would get into intensive therapy. Well, he did! Yay! Things were looking up, and I was able to forgive and forget and we moved forward. 

Fast forward 7 years....things are getting bad again. He's having "slips" more often, and instead of being transparent with me, he hides it. I'm terrified. I put so much into getting this marriage "back up and running" and I feel like he's throwing it all away. I'm starting to fall into a depression, knowing I will NEVER be enough for the man I love. I try so hard every day to make him feel like #1-- I text him "love messages" throughout the day, give him my undivided attention when we're together, we go on weekly date nights, I fulfill his needs in the bedroom, but it will never be enough. He tells me I'm beautiful, but I no longer believe him. I'm sad, and I don't know where to go from here. He could get into therapy again, but we paid hundreds/thousands of dollars for therapy over the course of 3-4 years, and if he won't use the tools they taught him, it's useless anyway. 

Should I just end things? 

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Whatever you decide, please know you sound like an amazing wife who has shown superhuman strength through this very difficult trial.  The fact that you have managed to hang in there through not only a bad pornography addiction but also multiple instances of adultery speaks volumes about your character and capacity to show Christ-like love in very difficult circumstances.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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I am sorry to hear you are going through this.  I have unfortunatly been on your husbands side of things.  It truly is such an incredibly difficult place to be in.  I would be shocked if someone here told you to stay or leave, that is a very important decision and I know Heavenly Father can help you choose the right path for you and your family.  

I just want you to know that you are enough!  I know that you feel like you aren't but his choice to persue pornography has nothing to do with you.    

Each week I sit in an LDS 12 meeting with several other men addicted to pornography, every one of us want's to be rid of this evil so bad it's undescribable.  We are each at different places in our recovery, but the effort to overcome is what is important.  If I were in your shoes, that is one of the things I would look hard at...is he still trying??  If he is, I know he could use your continued support, as you both rely on the the Savior to help carry your burdens.  

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2 hours ago, MadMaddy said:

He tells me I'm beautiful, but I no longer believe him. I'm sad, and I don't know where to go from here. He could get into therapy again, but we paid hundreds/thousands of dollars for therapy over the course of 3-4 years, and if he won't use the tools they taught him, it's useless anyway. 

Should I just end things? 

The tentacles of pornography reach and grab it's users regardless of the beauty, commitment or love of their spouses. We are consistently warned about it's dangers because it blinds the user to it's real harm. No matter what one "believes" in her or his mind, pornography is hurting and changing them for the worse.

One of the side affects of pornography is to do exactly what it appears to be doing to you: doubt, depression, guilt, hopelessness. His addiction is a problem he alone created, not you. I would suggest before you allow yourself to fall further down the hole, take immediate action, like you did today by reaching out for help.

Talk with your husband, let him know that you know.
Talk with your Bishop asap.
The Church offers LDS Family Services and if you are unable to afford it, fast offerings can pay for you to meet with an LDS Therapist for free. I would suggest that you need to focus on yourself and getting yourself mentally and spiritually healthy first and foremost. Meeting with LDSFS is about "you", not him.

I agree with everything @DoctorLemon said, you sound like an amazing person, one who has fought a hard battle, probably pretty tired and beat up emotionally. Time to look out for yourself now. Once you get yourself more empowered, you might be in a better position to make some really hard choices AND stick to them.

Best of luck to you, may our Father in Heaven keep you safe in this period of your life.

 

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How old are your children?  Is his behavior having an adverse effect on his and your relationship with them?  I would say you are justified in leaving.  Both for past sins, and for his current relapse.  However, you have children, and their needs are paramount.  If you can fake it until the last one is out of the house, then you might look at that option.  If his addiction is to the point where it is making home life unhealthy, then you need to remove your children from that environment.  

Abuse

Addiction

Adultery

all good reasons for divorce.

Edited by mdfxdb
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4 hours ago, MadMaddy said:

Fast forward 7 years....things are getting bad again. He's having "slips" more often, and instead of being transparent with me, he hides it. I'm terrified. I put so much into getting this marriage "back up and running" and I feel like he's throwing it all away. I'm starting to fall into a depression, knowing I will NEVER be enough for the man I love. I try so hard every day to make him feel like #1-- I text him "love messages" throughout the day, give him my undivided attention when we're together, we go on weekly date nights, I fulfill his needs in the bedroom, but it will never be enough. He tells me I'm beautiful, but I no longer believe him. I'm sad, and I don't know where to go from here. He could get into therapy again, but we paid hundreds/thousands of dollars for therapy over the course of 3-4 years, and if he won't use the tools they taught him, it's useless anyway. 

Should I just end things? 

@MadMaddy, your husband's addiction has nothing to do with you not being a great wife.  He uses because he is an addict, not because you're lacking.  You are no more to blame than a wife who's husband is addicted to heroin.  You aren't heroin/porn and nor should you be.  Please don't blame yourself for his addiction.  

As to whether or not to stay with an this unrepentant addict.... that's a question you should contemplate deeply with the Lord.  Yes, you have justification to leave, but none of us here can tell you rightly because only the Lord knows the right move for you.

Edited by Jane_Doe
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Here is an idea, but it won't work unless/until he is actually penitent and wants to fix things.

Perhaps you should just agree to get rid of the internet from your home?

If he is as addicted as it sounds, then having the internet in the house may be like having a wine cabinet in the house of a recovering alcoholic.  Perhaps he simply cannot handle the internet with his addiction.

I think a lot of people suffering from true pornography compulsions keep on slipping because they won't get rid of the internet.  In truth, if they are that addicted where they try for years to break their addictions but cannot do it, they have no business being online - it is just asking for trouble.  It can be done - I first got reliable internet in 2004, and I survived the first 22 years of my life just fine without internet access.  

Edited by DoctorLemon
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5 hours ago, MadMaddy said:

Fast forward 7 years....things are getting bad again. He's having "slips" more often, and instead of being transparent with me, he hides it. I'm terrified. I put so much into getting this marriage "back up and running" and I feel like he's throwing it all away. I'm starting to fall into a depression, knowing I will NEVER be enough for the man I love. I try so hard every day to make him feel like #1-- I text him "love messages" throughout the day, give him my undivided attention when we're together, we go on weekly date nights, I fulfill his needs in the bedroom, but it will never be enough. He tells me I'm beautiful, but I no longer believe him. I'm sad, and I don't know where to go from here. He could get into therapy again, but we paid hundreds/thousands of dollars for therapy over the course of 3-4 years, and if he won't use the tools they taught him, it's useless anyway. 

Should I just end things? 

To the bold that is false.  The problem most women do not understand with pornography is that it's not their problem!!!! Say it, repeat it, believe it.  What is their problem is if they are not being a wife (and being a wife and being a husband are roles one plays).  So if a wife is not being a wife in the marriage then that is a problem and many times (in fact I think most times) men use pornography to make up for a perceived or real lack of emotional/relationship connection in their marriage.

I would add a word of caution "making him feel like #1" is vastly different that "he is number #1".  One is a statement of fact and the other is a statement of emotion.  If the emotion does not meet the fact then he will feel the fact isn't true, if the fact does not meet the emotion then he will know regardless of anything you do that the fact isn't true.

The fact that you are asking if you should just end things tells me that the emotion and the fact do not line up. If your husband is #1 in your life, you wouldn't even begin to ask the question. 

Regardless though, I will say absolutely kudos on trying so hard to make him feel #1.

I'll also give you the dirty secret about any addiction that most people in addiction don't admit.  If you truly want to quit, you will quit...come Hell or High Water you will quit. All the therapy, 12 steps, etc. all those things are is a mechanism to get people to the point where they truly want to quit in their deepest most inner soul.  Once they get to the point where they truly in their heart desire to quit, it will happen.  The main mechanism by which individuals have this change of heart, i.e. a change in desire to no longer do sin, is by the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Christ's Atonement isn't just about Christ taking upon himself our sins.  It is the literal power to change one's heart to no longer desire to sin.

To your question about should you leave.  Ultimately the decision to marry, divorce, etc. is between you, him and God.  I will say that even though people throw Addiction into justifiable reasons for divorce. No modern prophet, apostle, stake president, bishop, etc. has ever said that addiction to pornography is a justifiable reason for divorce.  The only two justifiable reasons are adultery and abuse.

Finally,  do not act like a mother to your husband with regards to this issue.  Tell him it is his problem, he will be held accountable before God for his actions and addictions that he has, you will support him in his battle to overcome it, but ultimately you are not the responsible party-he is.  He needs to act like a man, own his problem and then through the grace of God and through His infinite Atonement with the help of God and Christ overcome it.

Edited by JoCa
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7 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

Here is an idea, but it won't work unless/until he is actually penitent and wants to fix things.

Perhaps you should just agree to get rid of the internet from your home?

If he is as addicted as it sounds, then having the internet in the house may be like having a wine cabinet in the house of a recovering alcoholic.  Perhaps he simply cannot handle the internet with his addiction.

I think a lot of people suffering from true pornography compulsions keep on slipping because they won't get rid of the internet.  In truth, if they are that addicted where they try for years to break their addictions but cannot do it, they have no business being online - it is just asking for trouble.  It can be done - I first got reliable internet in 2004, and I survived the first 22 years of my life just fine without internet access.  

Exactly, if you really want to solve the problem you do what is necessary to do so. Matthew 5:30

30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

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5 hours ago, MadMaddy said:

Hi all!

I've been married to my husband, and best friend, for 20+ years. The majority of these years he's been plagued by a pornography/sex addiction. In the beginning I tried to be supportive, I asked what I could do to help, etc., He said he'd get control of it himself. Little did I know, it was not something he could take care of himself. His addiction grew from viewing pornography occasionally, to viewing it daily, to eventually committing adultery with numerous women over the course of about 5 years. After I discovered this ( I honestly think he would have taken the secret to his grave)  I became angry and separated from him. We have 4 kids, and I knew they needed their Dad, so I agreed to work on things, if he would get into intensive therapy. Well, he did! Yay! Things were looking up, and I was able to forgive and forget and we moved forward. 

Fast forward 7 years....things are getting bad again. He's having "slips" more often, and instead of being transparent with me, he hides it. I'm terrified. I put so much into getting this marriage "back up and running" and I feel like he's throwing it all away. I'm starting to fall into a depression, knowing I will NEVER be enough for the man I love. I try so hard every day to make him feel like #1-- I text him "love messages" throughout the day, give him my undivided attention when we're together, we go on weekly date nights, I fulfill his needs in the bedroom, but it will never be enough. He tells me I'm beautiful, but I no longer believe him. I'm sad, and I don't know where to go from here. He could get into therapy again, but we paid hundreds/thousands of dollars for therapy over the course of 3-4 years, and if he won't use the tools they taught him, it's useless anyway. 

Should I just end things? 

Keep in mind that any amount of therapy, if not coupled with true repentance, increased activity in the church (I’m assuming you are LDS), daily scripture study, weekly church attendance, and daily family and personal prayer will do little.

So whatever you decide, those have to be happening.

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1 hour ago, JoCa said:

if a wife is not being a wife in the marriage then that is a problem and many times (in fact I think most times) men use pornography to make up for a perceived or real lack of emotional/relationship connection in their marriage.

So how do I fix this? As I said before, we are best friends, and I love spending time with him. I try to make him feel like he's at the top of my list, but obviously I'm lacking. 

 

Edited by MadMaddy
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2 hours ago, mdfxdb said:

How old are your children?  Is his behavior having an adverse effect on his and your relationship with them?  I would say you are justified in leaving.  Both for past sins, and for his current relapse.  However, you have children, and their needs are paramount.  If you can fake it until the last one is out of the house, then you might look at that option.  If his addiction is to the point where it is making home life unhealthy, then you need to remove your children from that environment.  

Abuse

Addiction

Adultery

all good reasons for divorce.

Our kids are older, but we still have about 10+ years before the baby leaves home. The kids have no idea there's a problem. For the most part, we keep any disagreements between the two of us pretty quiet. He's never been abusive to us, but Adultery and Addiction are things that I will have to deal with for our entire marriage, or so it seems. 

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14 minutes ago, MadMaddy said:

 

So how do I fix this? As I said before, we are best friends, and I love spending time with him. I try to make him feel like he's at the top of my list, but obviously I'm lacking. 

 

This is false.

You can be the best wife in the world and your husband can still become a pornography or sex addict.  Look at Richard R. Lyman and Relief Society President Amy Brown, for example.

The reason your husband is addicted to pornography is because he made the choice to use pornography.  It is ENTIRELY his own fault.

Many men, some on this forum, have sexless or even loveless marriages and somehow manage to not become pornography addicts.  

The buck stops with him.

The downside is you may not be able to "fix" this.  Change has to come from within your husband.  

But it is NOT your fault that he chose to indulge in such wickedness.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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1 hour ago, DoctorLemon said:

Here is an idea, but it won't work unless/until he is actually penitent and wants to fix things.

Perhaps you should just agree to get rid of the internet from your home?

If he is as addicted as it sounds, then having the internet in the house may be like having a wine cabinet in the house of a recovering alcoholic.  Perhaps he simply cannot handle the internet with his addiction.

I think a lot of people suffering from true pornography compulsions keep on slipping because they won't get rid of the internet.  In truth, if they are that addicted where they try for years to break their addictions but cannot do it, they have no business being online - it is just asking for trouble.  It can be done - I first got reliable internet in 2004, and I survived the first 22 years of my life just fine without internet access.  

We have good filters on our computer, but he can access the internet anywhere on his phone. He can't give up his phone, because it's crucial in his line of work. 

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2 minutes ago, MadMaddy said:

We have good filters on our computer, but he can access the internet anywhere on his phone. He can't give up his phone, because it's crucial in his line of work. 

If you are willing to take the plunge, perhaps it would be worthwhile for him to quit his job and find something else to do?  His eternity is at stake, and it would be a tragedy if he wound up missing the celestial kingdom over a job.

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37 minutes ago, MadMaddy said:

We have good filters on our computer, but he can access the internet anywhere on his phone. He can't give up his phone, because it's crucial in his line of work. 

I believe there are apps that allow you to filter phones as well - I would do a search.

However, if he wants to find it he will - it's just better that it's not easy to access. 

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33 minutes ago, MadMaddy said:

So how do I fix this? As I said before, we are best friends, and I love spending time with him. I try to make him feel like he's at the top of my list, but obviously I'm lacking.

I feel like you unfortunately skipped over all the posts that already told you that "you" are not the cause. At some point, for your own good, this is why you need to meet with a professional to help you have a dynamic shift in assessing blame in the correct place. You are blaming the wrong person. You didn't cause this, and you alone can not fix it. Unless he wants to fix it, you will find no silver bullet here.

You titled your thread "bottomless pit". Spouses often times erroneously think they can fill their partners "pit" with, "If I just did (insert: love, sex, friendlier) more, I could help them stop". Pornography creates a bottomless pit, you said it yourself. As an example, spouses often believe they are fulfilling the others needs in the bedroom. They are not. They can't, even though they may want to. The person addicted to pornography has a distorted view of what "sex" is now. Your husband's view of sex is not like yours at this point. Your definition of fulfilled is not his. If you are a faithful Latter-day Saint Sister, you can't compete because his mind is living in an unrealistic, unattainable sexual fantasy world that you can't/shouldn't provide.

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1 hour ago, MadMaddy said:

So how do I fix this? As I said before, we are best friends, and I love spending time with him. I try to make him feel like he's at the top of my list, but obviously I'm lacking. 

You are 100% powerless to fix his problem.  This is because you are not the problem- you are NOT lacking in anyway.  To fix this *he* needs to face *his* problem.

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1 hour ago, MadMaddy said:

So how do I fix this? As I said before, we are best friends, and I love spending time with him. I try to make him feel like he's at the top of my list, but obviously I'm lacking. 

You don't fix it. It's not yours to fix. You love your husband and support him as he fixes it. Let him have the burden of overcoming this problem, because it's his, not yours. And when he finally does, give him the credit for following a very difficult but absolutely necessary road.

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4 hours ago, JoCa said:

  So if a wife is not being a wife in the marriage then that is a problem and many times (in fact I think most times) men use pornography to make up for a perceived or real lack of emotional/relationship connection in their marriage.

 

 

Sorry, I personally feel this is a load of hooey.  A man might SAY that, but it's deflection.  The only person to blame for bad behavior is shaving the face he sees in the mirror every morning.

MadMaddy,

Pornography is a problem.  He's your husband and you work through it.  Infidelity is a breach of marriage and I wouldn't expect any woman to put up with it.  It isn't pornography, it's a total lack of respect for your spouse.  You sound like a strong woman and I give you a ton of credit.  I wish I had some advice to give you.

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I'll be one to say that no amount of restrictions will keep anyone from getting what they want. I work in a home for adults with mental disabilities. One of them isn't even allowed to have the internet password and he someone finds ways of viewing it.

In a conversation in a YSA ward we had a while back, we talked about how the greatest filter is your own will. Anyone can find porn on a filtered computer, but a person will not view porn if he chooses not to. Harder said than done when the person is addicted. But what I'm saying is that filters are not a viable option. They only help in preventing triggers and unintentional exposures to porn. If anything, it gives the addict added security in lying to the person who set up the filter. For all they know, the filter works perfectly.

Anyway. Ill state again what I said above. If you want to beat this with him. You both need to be living the gospel to its fullest. Read the Book of Mormon every day, prayer together and alone every day (MULTIPLE TIMES :) ). Become fully active in church (Don't just attend, participate :) ). Go see the bishop if you haven't already. Go back to counseling :)

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1 hour ago, Grunt said:

Sorry, I personally feel this is a load of hooey.  A man might SAY that, but it's deflection.  The only person to blame for bad behavior is shaving the face he sees in the mirror every morning.

Oh I totally agree with that.  However behind every sin is a reason why, sometimes it is important to know the reason why, sometimes it is not.  The ultimate responsible party is the person who commits the bad behavior regardless of the reasons why . . .however we would be foolish to not at least try to understand why-and more and more studies are demonstrating that the reason why individuals get into addictive bad habits in many, many instances deals with a lack of emotional connection to other individuals.

Why in many instances to people get drunk . . .b/c they'd rather drown away their sorrows in a bottle of beer. Why do some men use pornography, b/c they'd rather deal in a fantasy land that makes them feel (even if only temporarily) good vs. thinking about the problems either in the life, marriage, work, etc.  Addictions in large part deal with an individuals inability to deal with the reality of situation and to develop healthy coping habits for problems.  Many times the addiction starts at a low point in someone's life with an inability to control or deal with a particular situation . . .if they haven't learned appropriate and healthy methods of dealing with it over time they can develop an addiction so that every time they feel a certain way they crave a "hit" to help them cope with it. 

This in no way is blaming the bad behavior on someone else, it's simply recognition that addiction is complex and that to break the chains of an addiction requires an extreme amount of force of will and God's grace through the Atonement for that individual to #1 fully stop the addiction and then #2 fix what is broken inside and then to develop appropriate methods to deal with the problems in life.

I'm sure there are people out there who just enjoy the addiction . . .but my guess is that for most destructive, unhealthy addictions something like above occurs.

Edited by JoCa
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1 minute ago, JoCa said:

Oh I totally agree with that.  However behind every sin is a reason why, sometimes it is important to know the reason why, sometimes it is not.  The ultimate responsible party is the person who commits the bad behavior regardless of the reasons why . . .however we would be foolish to not at least try to understand why-and more and more studies are demonstrating that the reason why individuals get into addictive bad habits in many, many instances deals with a lack of emotional connection to other individuals.

A lack of emotional connection which almost always extends back into childhood (long before meeting their eventual spouse) and can only be addressed by that individual.  The addiction and addiction driven behaviors also fuel the lack of real connection and damage/break any existent real connections.  The other spouse is in NO way at fault for any of that behavior.  A key part of addiction therapy is the addict learning to surrender the false promises offered by the addiction object (drugs/alcohol/porn/etc) and replace it with a real connections to real people.  But again, that healthy change has to be driven by the recovering addict and no one else. 

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Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement and advice. To answer a few questions some have had...

We are very active LDS, and we are devoted to the gospel. In fact, this trial has refined my relationship with my Savior, and for that I am so grateful. Also, ironically, it has made me love my husband so much more-- I think because I had to fight so hard to hold our marriage together. A downside is that it has really increased my insecurities. If it wasn't for this one thing I really believe our marriage would be perfect. I'm not even as worried about the slips with pornography. Yes, it isn't an ideal situation, and makes me feel bad about myself, but I would rather deal with that than the infidelities again. That was so heartbreaking, I don't think I could come back from it again.

That's why I have had thoughts of leaving--running away before it happens again? I don't know...maybe it will never get to that point again. I'm just afraid. 

--also, in his defense, he had a horrific childhood. We learned, through therapy, that any addiction is used as a coping mechanism--an escape. He's done a lot of work to deal with those past demons and shame, and I don't want to lose him to it all over again. 

Edited by MadMaddy
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