lfh2d

Squashing doubts

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I've been married for 11 years to a great guy.  My problem is that every so often I feel like I didn't make the right decision to marry him.

Our dating relationship was stressful with my family and his busy school schedule.  We dated for 2 1/2 years and I honestly don't know if I was in the right emotional state of mind to make a decision of marriage.  Sometimes I feel like I was too emotionally invested to listen to the spirit.

We have a great life together and I would REALLY like to put these doubts to rest because I know it's ruining our marriage.  I was hoping that there might be someone out there in a similar situation who was able to overcome this.  

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Guest MormonGator

The same kind of thing happened to a friend of mine. He was worried that he made the wrong choice in marrying his wife because at the time they were dating, he was actually seeing several other girls behind her back. He was never sure if he picked the "right girl". His words, not mine. 

He's been faithful to his wife for the eight years of their marriage and they have two kids. When we talked about this I remember saying to him "Dude, you are happily married and have two kids. Who cares what happened back then many people would love to be in your situation! "  He understood. 

I know yours isn't the same situation-but you are in my prayers. Don't let questions of the past destroy a wonderful present and hopefully better future. 

Edited by MormonGator

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While waiting to see if anyone has a similar experience, I will tell you something which in my experience is 100% true:  It does not matter whether your decision was right; make it so that it is right.  Don't fall for the modern-world nonsense of "right person".  You, as an agent to act, can make it so that your decision is the right one.  You can actively do things so that you love your husband deeply now, are committed completely to him now - beyond doubt, and are happy together with him now.  This will be easier if he works with you in compatible ways.  Tell the doubts to take a flying leap and then get to work making your decision the right one.

This is far, far better than any alternative.

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You don't 'pick the right one', you pick one then make it right.  That feeling is a red flag that you need to do something to strengthen your relationship, not undermine it or question it.  Do what needs to be done to make it right. 

The 'I picked the wrong one' idea is a crack that Satan sticks a wedge into and hammers away at till he breaks a couple up.  After he widens the crack for a bit he brings in somebody he can make you think is the one you should have married and it's a short hop from there to an emotional or physical affair.

Edited by Latter-Day Marriage

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Worried you missed marrying "the one"?  Let me tell you a little secret: there is no such thing as "the one" for any of us.

The idea you are only supposed to marry one specific person is silly and  false and was perpetuated by that silly "Saturday's Warrior" movie.  Besides, if the idea were true, given the amount of marriage and divorce and remarriage in modern times, everything would be distorted and no one would be able to choose the right person.  If the idea were true, if one person were to pick the wrong spouse, it would start a chain reaction resulting in nearly everyone being married to what is supposed to be someone else's spouse.  

Instead, the ingredients for a happy LDS marriage are 1) you are both righteous and 2) you get along.  In fact, Brigham Young said almost any righteous LDS man could find happiness with almost any righteous LDS woman, in this life and the next, if both are willing to pay the price.

So no, you didn't choose wrong by marrying your husband.  Where you choose to take your marriage, however, depends on the choices and attitudes you make right now.

Edited by DoctorLemon

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2 hours ago, lfh2d said:

I've been married for 11 years to a great guy.  My problem is that every so often I feel like I didn't make the right decision to marry him.

Our dating relationship was stressful with my family and his busy school schedule.  We dated for 2 1/2 years and I honestly don't know if I was in the right emotional state of mind to make a decision of marriage.  Sometimes I feel like I was too emotionally invested to listen to the spirit.

We have a great life together and I would REALLY like to put these doubts to rest because I know it's ruining our marriage.  I was hoping that there might be someone out there in a similar situation who was able to overcome this.  

Grow where you are planted. 

The idea that there's only "one perfect person" out there is a Disney concocted myth- and poisonous one at that.  A person should approach marriage as hunting for 1 needle in a 8 billion person haystack.  Rather, you become the right wife/husband and grow with this person.  Yes, whoever you marry is going to have faults, but you learn to love them through it*.   Don't waste your marriage/life looking at the window and miss the joy that can happen right here right now.  Go on date, communicate, and love your husband.

In regards to specifically having a "testimony" your marriage.  Have you asked God today if He, in His miracles, can make your marriage thrive?  I'm not asking about "whether or not it was right back then"-- cause frankly that doesn't matter, under no circumstance is it a sin you need to repent of.  What you need to today is ask God if He can make your marriage thrive today.

 

*I'm talk about non-abusive faults here.  Abuse is a different story.

Edited by Jane_Doe

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14 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

Worried you missed marrying "the one"?  Let me tell you a little secret: there is no such thing as "the one" for any of us.

Depends what you mean by 'the one'.  The night I met my future wife the spirit literally butted into my internal conversation and told me 'She's the one' in those exact words.  I don't take that as meaning there was some kind of predestination involved and that she was the ONLY one ever, no matter what.  I take it as meaning that she and I made certain choices in life that made it so that she was the one God wanted me to be with, and from that point on it was up to me to pursue her romantically and hopefully win her which thankfully I did.  If either of us had lived our lives in a different way, I wouldn't have been told that.  I think I needed to be told that so that I wouldn't throw i the towel when the obstacles came.

http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/06/soul-mates-by-choice.html

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The thing we always need to remember is God's Plan for us...  Includes us messing up and not listening.

For example Joseph Smith really screwed up when he lost the first 116 pages...  He needed to repent, which he did.

But the Lord did not give him a redo on the lost pages.  Instead of a redo the Lord had planned for that and Joseph Smith was good to go from where he was.

You seem to be wondering if can get a redo on your choice of marriage partners... and maybe you were not listening to God when you should have been, but that does not mean that God's plan for you is broken.  You simply need to start listening to what he is telling you now.

Chances are from how you describe your current marriage if you start listening to what Lord is telling you now... You will hear "Be happy and content and work with what I have blessed you with in spite of your prior actions"

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Just now, my two cents said:

He's not the one who lost them.

Had he stood with the Lord on the Lord's first answer they would have never been lost... So while he did not directly lose them the fact that he did not listen the first time and trusted in man rather then God makes him just as guilty...  Joseph Smith reaction to their lost shows he knew this and the Lord required him to repent before he could continue

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1 hour ago, estradling75 said:

Had he stood with the Lord on the Lord's first answer they would have never been lost... So while he did not directly lose them the fact that he did not listen the first time and trusted in man rather then God makes him just as guilty...  Joseph Smith reaction to their lost shows he knew this and the Lord required him to repent before he could continue

Plus the fact that as a result the Lord did not allow him to translate for a time.

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2 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

Depends what you mean by 'the one'.  The night I met my future wife the spirit literally butted into my internal conversation and told me 'She's the one' in those exact words.  I don't take that as meaning there was some kind of predestination involved and that she was the ONLY one ever, no matter what.  I take it as meaning that she and I made certain choices in life that made it so that she was the one God wanted me to be with, and from that point on it was up to me to pursue her romantically and hopefully win her which thankfully I did.  If either of us had lived our lives in a different way, I wouldn't have been told that.  I think I needed to be told that so that I wouldn't throw i the towel when the obstacles came.

http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2013/06/soul-mates-by-choice.html

I kind of wonder, perhaps, in cases such as yours, if the Lord was essentially playing matchmaker, as we all like to do from time to time.

The Lord knew you very well, and knew your wife very well, and perhaps He felt you two would go really well together, and gave you a little push in that direction.  

If that is the case, perhaps if you didn't pursue your present wife, you wouldn't have been doomed to unhappiness forever - the Lord merely suggested you should get with your wife because He knew you would be so happy together based on compatible personality types, as opposed to mandating that you could only be happy with a certain person and no one else.

This is my guess (and it is a guess) as to what is going on there.

Edited by DoctorLemon

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Thank you so much for the advice.  I think I was under the impression that the only way to rectify/repent of my previous actions was to get out, but also knowing that God is not one who will break up families (especially generally happy ones), I have been needing to hear these things.  I will pray and work and hope and have faith that these doubts will not plague my thoughts anymore.  Please pray for me.  

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1 minute ago, lfh2d said:

Thank you so much for the advice.  I think I was under the impression that the only way to rectify/repent of my previous actions was to get out, but also knowing that God is not one who will break up families (especially generally happy ones), I have been needing to hear these things.  I will pray and work and hope and have faith that these doubts will not plague my thoughts anymore.  Please pray for me.  

Just remember, as long as your husband is righteous and you don't have some huge personality conflict with your husband, there was no "mistake" marrying him.  Your marriage is what you make of it, so make it the marriage you have always wanted.  The ingredients are all there for you to do this - you just have to now put in the work!

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4 minutes ago, lfh2d said:

Thank you so much for the advice.  I think I was under the impression that the only way to rectify/repent of my previous actions was to get out, but also knowing that God is not one who will break up families (especially generally happy ones), I have been needing to hear these things.  I will pray and work and hope and have faith that these doubts will not plague my thoughts anymore.  Please pray for me.  

IMO, you should talk to your husband about this.  You'll have to decide whether he could handle the "I'm not sure I made the right choice in marrying you" bit, but surely he can understand that you're feeling like the two of you need to work together to draw closer to each other and God, so that you can tackle this problem together.

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35 minutes ago, lfh2d said:

Thank you so much for the advice.  I think I was under the impression that the only way to rectify/repent of my previous actions was to get out, but also knowing that God is not one who will break up families (especially generally happy ones), I have been needing to hear these things.  I will pray and work and hope and have faith that these doubts will not plague my thoughts anymore.  Please pray for me.  

Understand that the Sin that you need to repent of is not whom you married...  it was (from what you told us) not seeking the Lord.  You can't change your past but you most definitely can repent and starting seeking Lord and listening.  (All of us could probably stand to do a bit better on that)

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3 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

I kind of wonder, perhaps, in cases such as yours, if the Lord was essentially playing matchmaker, as we all like to do from time to time.

The Lord knew you very well, and knew your wife very well, and perhaps He felt you two would go really well together, and gave you a little push in that direction.  

If that is the case, perhaps if you didn't pursue your present wife, you wouldn't have been doomed to unhappiness forever - the Lord merely suggested you should get with your wife because He knew you would be so happy together based on compatible personality types, as opposed to mandating that you could only be happy with a certain person and no one else.

This is my guess (and it is a guess) as to what is going on there.

He was definitely playing matchmaker.  It was more than a push for me, and more than once.  For her it took a while to realize I was the one although we were a couple from the first night on.  I never breathed a word about my experiences to her until after we were engaged, didn't wan to be one of those creepy 'God told me to marry you' types. She had to figure it out for herself and I gave her that space.  My head says that if we never met I would have married somebody else and been happy, but my heart doesn't think there is anybody else who would be this right for me (a good thing for a husband to feel for his wife).  But that was because of who we chose to become. It could have fallen apart, and at one point on my mission it almost did when her brother's friend tried to win her over, but thankfully things worked out in the end.

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I remember dating a girl long ago and praying if she was the one.  I felt the impression that I could marry her but if I didn't there would be someone else.  I didn't marry her and moved on.  I am sure I would have been fine if I married the first girl but I am also really happy when I married the girl I did and have been married for some 16 years now.  

I am guessing the doubts you are having are probably coming from the adversary.

I was reading some of the notes from Mormon Leaks (I know I'm a sinner for reading them but there is some really good stuff there)  and I believe it was one of the apostles said to the other leaders something to the effect: "No matter how well you are treating your wife, it's not enough."  Gulp, I guess I better do a little better. 

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11 hours ago, lfh2d said:

Thank you so much for the advice.  I think I was under the impression that the only way to rectify/repent of my previous actions was to get out, but also knowing that God is not one who will break up families (especially generally happy ones), I have been needing to hear these things.  I will pray and work and hope and have faith that these doubts will not plague my thoughts anymore.  Please pray for me.  

The WORST thing you could ever do is "get out", and the consequences will be bitter, hard, down right unlivable. God does NOT break up families, the deceiver does, and he is VERY good at it and he has obviously been speaking to you, worse yet is that you have been listening to him. Should you choose to "get out", you will be victimizing yourself, victimizing your husband, victimizing your children, all for the illusion of looking for "the right one" or to be "happy" (Selfish). 

You live in a nation that holds marriage cheaply and makes divorce EASY, what does that tell you? You'll find no shortage of people who are essentially going to reap God's wrath, giving you advice about getting out. These are people who weather aware or not, serve the deceiver. 

What you need to do is make a decision RIGHT NOW, you're sticking with it for good, or your not, abide that decision for the rest of your life, because the consequences are life long. I think you already know what the right choice is. So make it, hold no regret, be happy in your family, for family is the well spring from which joy flows. 

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lfh2d, Just to add a prophets words to what has already been said: 

Quote

While marriage is difficult, and discordant and frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person. “Soul mates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price. https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/spencer-w-kimball_marriage-divorce/

 

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I know how you feel. After 7 years of marriage to my wife, I only in the past couple of months realized that I married her "on a rebound". I was in a relationship after my mission that ended very poor and I've always been a guy that seemed to need to be with someone since I was about 17. 

My advice would be that many people will tell you "the past is the past and it doesn't matter" when this idea is flawed. If the past never matters, then the present never matters because we're constantly leaving the present and adding it to our past. The past does matter.

The LDS faith relies on the truth of the past to make their claims about so much. However, when it comes to people and relationships this reasoning is set aside. No one who discovered a flaw in the foundation of their house ever said "Well...this is a pretty good house. It's working right now, and perhaps it will work indefinitely, so we don't need worry ourselves with repair the foundation." Said no one ever. 

There have been many marriages end because their first couple days together they hooked up randomly, or they were bored and pursued a relationship, etc. These couple had a ruptured foundation from the start and continued to build their house (i.e. life) onto of a broken foundation.

I do believe that people can change and wounds can heal through the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and through open dialogue. But when it comes to marriages I have often found the reoccurring question to be a continual interview process. "Do I still want a relationship with X. Do I still see the excellence and virtue of my spouse. Many times it is children and keep couples together, and not virtue per say. 

I would recommend if you have a good life and you know it, stick with him. You may have married the wrong guy 11 years ago but as an old Italian friend once told me, "when you marry your wife [or husband] you date so many more people in you lifetime than if you were single" because he told me "you wife will be a different woman every year". You husband is a good guy and he at least deserves the truth about your feelings, regardless of consequences, and a chance to be the man who proves your heart.

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57 minutes ago, Subir Valhalla said:

My advice would be that many people will tell you "the past is the past and it doesn't matter" when this idea is flawed. If the past never matters, then the present never matters because we're constantly leaving the present and adding it to our past. The past does matter.

There are things in the past that matter and things that don't matter, or at least not as much as other things.  The fact that she (and you) made a choice to marry somebody however long ago matters MORE than any current doubts about that choice.  You can't go back and change anything so fretting over such questions only serves to make you unhappy and move you towards breaking those covenants.  Satan wants to create doubt and misery and you are playing right into his hands. 

No matter why you marry somebody, that covenant is sacred and your obligation to God is to do all in your power to make it a good marriage.  Both of you are saying you have good spouses, and both of you are feeling emotional disconnection from them.  The idea that your emotional disconnection is because you made the wrong choice back then is just Satan's illusion.  The real cause is because right now you are not making the choice to do what you need to do to maintain and grow the love you felt back then. 

Do you have a mutually satisfying sex life, or are you working towards that?  Do you do things to foster emotional intimacy (date night, kindness, compliments, service, show love for your spouse in THEIR love language)  do you do things together to foster spiritual intimacy (read the scriptures together, pray together, attend church).  Do you make time for each other or have you filled your life so so many things you don't really have to do that you are isolated from each other?  Do you really appreciate and express gratitude to your spouse and to God for them, or do you take them for granted?

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1 hour ago, Subir Valhalla said:

I know how you feel. After 7 years of marriage to my wife, I only in the past couple of months realized that I married her "on a rebound". I was in a relationship after my mission that ended very poor and I've always been a guy that seemed to need to be with someone since I was about 17. 

My advice would be that many people will tell you "the past is the past and it doesn't matter" when this idea is flawed. If the past never matters, then the present never matters because we're constantly leaving the present and adding it to our past. The past does matter.

The LDS faith relies on the truth of the past to make their claims about so much. However, when it comes to people and relationships this reasoning is set aside. No one who discovered a flaw in the foundation of their house ever said "Well...this is a pretty good house. It's working right now, and perhaps it will work indefinitely, so we don't need worry ourselves with repair the foundation." Said no one ever. 

Disagree.

I believe any man and any woman may find happiness and eternal joy in temple marriage, if both are living worthily of the Celestial Kingdom and both make the commitment to one another.  Brigham Young happens to agree with me.

All of this stuff about marrying the "wrong" person?  Lies, lies, and more lies, straight from the father of lies himself.

If you think you married the wrong person, what is the solution?  Try harder.

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Love is not just a feeling.  IT'S A DECISION.

Decide to love your husband today and everyday.  My mother used to say, "Apologize to your brother!"   I would tell her, "But I'm not sorry!"  And my mother would say, "Tell your brother you're Sorry.  Say it until you mean it!".

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On 10/25/2017 at 5:42 PM, lfh2d said:

I've been married for 11 years to a great guy.  My problem is that every so often I feel like I didn't make the right decision to marry him.

Our dating relationship was stressful with my family and his busy school schedule.  We dated for 2 1/2 years and I honestly don't know if I was in the right emotional state of mind to make a decision of marriage.  Sometimes I feel like I was too emotionally invested to listen to the spirit.

We have a great life together and I would REALLY like to put these doubts to rest because I know it's ruining our marriage.  I was hoping that there might be someone out there in a similar situation who was able to overcome this.  

You have a tough situation.  I think the worst thing to do is linger in doubt.  Don't think for even a second that your husband doesn't know this secrete your holding.  He feels it and is probably hurting inside.  I do commend you for trying to fix the problem.  I do think we each can self master our thoughts.  Our thoughts lead to feelings.  Love is a choice.  Strive to master your thoughts.  I don't know if divorce or not is a good solution for you or not, but I wish you my sincere best.  

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