Dangerous Affection (Caution Long Post)


Should I tell my sister in law how I feel about her?  

15 members have voted

  1. 1. Should I tell my sister in law how I feel about her?

    • Yes, follow your passion
      2
    • Yes, if you are more happy with her potential follow that path.
      0
    • If you do...bye bye life.
      1
    • Think of your wife and kids
      11
    • Sure, but you may go to hell.
      1


Recommended Posts

Guest MormonGator
39 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Truth!

What on earth was he expecting here?  Permission?  If it's wrong, it's wrong.  Sheesh!

No, wait, I have an idea.  Yeah, as long as you're just, you know, REALLY tempted and she's SUPER hot, then go ahead and dishonor your wedding vows and commit adultery and destroy your life, your wife's confidence and love, your children's lives and all you know can go burn down in a giant mushroom cloud. 

Cuz, you know, forgiveness and all that.  NOT!!!

Yup. Next he'll be creating a thread asking if it's a good idea to start casual cocaine use. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Subir Valhalla, I know our reactions to your post have probably scared you off, but just in case they have not, I want you to know something different from our reactions to it.  Namely, that we're a welcoming and supporting group of people for folks who want to overcome their struggles, or who want to discuss the gospel in ways that generally aren't possible in synchronous, in-person discussions.

So, if you want to stick around and discuss the gospel, or other things as you see on these forums, please do.  No one's going to bring up this post or pester you about it.  No one's going to reject your other contributions because of this post.  Everyone will support you in your efforts to overcome this temptation and keep your covenants. (FWIW)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, Subir Valhalla said:

Let's Try Again, the OQ

 

Can replies be related to my original questions? Stated below in numbered bullets for simplicity. 

  1. How can I have a life long relationship with my SIL and not be attracted to her virtues and kindness?
  2. How do I know if I'm flirting? I mean I'm just an outgoing dude, but sometimes I feel the females send signals or maybe their not signals and I'm too sensitive to that stuff.
  3. How do I have complete and fulfilling relationship with my wife? We're pretty opposite people, and I think it would be for another post but I think I married her off a rebound, but as she puts it that was "over 9 years ago so it doesn't matter now."
  4. What if I tell my sister in law that I think she's beautiful and awesome? Then what?

Alright then. Let's see what comes of these responses.

1.  That might not be possible.  You might need to protect your heart and your marriage by limiting your contact and interaction with your SIL.  If it is possible, you will  need to strengthen your attachment and attraction to your wife and make her #1 in your heart above and beyond all others, and be on guard for any feelings or thoughts about your SIL (or anyone else) that are a threat to that.  Appreciating your SIL's strengths is one thing, but if you feel an attraction to her for any reason you need to put  up a wall of defense and fight against it, even if it means giving up this 'life long relationship' you speak of.

2.  Would you say/do the same thing the same way with your wife there?  Would you say/do the same thing the same way if it was your a guy you were interacting with?  Are you free of any inappropriate motives in saying it?  If yes then you are in the clear.  You've already expressed romantic feelings for her here so any remark that stems from those feelings would very likely count as flirting.

3. 
- stop making excuses to be less committed to the marriage like 'I think I married her off a rebound' .  Even if that is true, it doesn't matter. You married her of your own free choice, you made a covenant, she is your wife.  Now you have to live up to your promise and make it work like you said you would.
- stop spending time dwelling on your attraction to your SIL or anyone else. 
- stop spending time in situations that provoke feelings for other women
- focus your mind on  your wife's virtues  
- serve your wife in love and make her happiness the most important thing in your life next to your relationship with God. 
- talk lovingly with your wife about anything in your marriage that you are not happy with and work together to find solutions that you are both happy with. 
- perhaps see a marriage counselor, your Bishop might be able to recommend a good one. 
- read the scriptures together with your wife and pray together with your wife (just the two of you).  Bring the spirit of God into your marriage. 
- pray for greater love for your wife in your personal prayers

4.  Given that you've confessed here that you feel attraction to her, I would say do not say it at all.  Even if you say it like a brother would and in front of your wife in a way that doesn't offend her, and your SIL doesn't take it as a romantic overture, in your mind you are still adding fuel to the wrong fire.  The 'what then' is that you have taken another step in the wrong direction and made it that much harder to get back to where you should be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, zil said:

@Subir Valhalla, I know our reactions to your post have probably scared you off, but just in case they have not, I want you to know something different from our reactions to it.  Namely, that we're a welcoming and supporting group of people for folks who want to overcome their struggles, or who want to discuss the gospel in ways that generally aren't possible in synchronous, in-person discussions.

So, if you want to stick around and discuss the gospel, or other things as you see on these forums, please do.  No one's going to bring up this post or pester you about it.  No one's going to reject your other contributions because of this post.  Everyone will support you in your efforts to overcome this temptation and keep your covenants. (FWIW)

I wish that were the case, but there are open jokes about cocaine usage and ridicule on this thread. Which seems unusual since if I was a woman posting about being physically abused people would most likely be empathetic and compassionate. Instead, because of my terse delivery of my message I've had a read some well....let's just say the second great commandment isn't getting filled by "LDS" people.

On the other hand some comments have been very helpful, and I have given them much thought.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 minutes ago, Subir Valhalla said:

I wish that were the case, but there are open jokes about cocaine usage and ridicule on this thread. Which seems unusual since if I was a woman posting about being physically abused people would most likely be empathetic and compassionate. Instead, because of my terse delivery of my message I've had a read some well....let's just say the second great commandment isn't getting filled by "LDS" people.

On the other hand some comments have been very helpful, and I have given them much thought.

Yes, some comments have been less than charitable.  And your OP (complete with poll options) was bragging and laughing off very serious covenants as if the idea of you leaving your wife for her sister was just some casual, half-joking idea instead of an unthinkable sin.  (At least, that's how it came off.)

So let's agree that there was something lacking in multiple areas and go from there.  (Or not.  I can understand whatever way you want to handle this.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

49 minutes ago, Subir Valhalla said:

Which seems unusual since if I was a woman posting about being physically abused people would most likely be empathetic and compassionate. Instead, because of my terse delivery of my message I've had a read some well....let's just say the second great commandment isn't getting filled by "LDS" people.

?? Dude. A woman who is being physically abused is vastly different than saying "hey I fantasize about other women outside of my marriage, I wonder what would happen if I said something".

Two totally different things.  Don't compare yourself where you are committing sin to one who has sin being committed upon them, you don't get to claim the victim here. No the 2nd great commandment is getting fulfilled.  "Love they neighbor as thyself".  I would be telling a younger me the same things I'm telling you-not b/c I hate you or anything of that nature but b/c if you don't watch yourself now, if you don't start guarding yourself now you are in for a lot of pain down the road.

Consider it a warning based on of love for my fellow man.  (Something sadly today's society has forgotten about . . .sometimes love requires a stern tone). 

Edited by JoCa
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Subir Valhalla said:

Let's Try Again, the OQ

Can replies be related to my original questions? Stated below in numbered bullets for simplicity. 

  1. How can I have a life long relationship with my SIL and not be attracted to her virtues and kindness?
  2. How do I know if I'm flirting? I mean I'm just an outgoing dude, but sometimes I feel the females send signals or maybe their not signals and I'm too sensitive to that stuff.
  3. How do I have complete and fulfilling relationship with my wife? We're pretty opposite people, and I think it would be for another post but I think I married her off a rebound, but as she puts it that was "over 9 years ago so it doesn't matter now."
  4. What if I tell my sister in law that I think she's beautiful and awesome? Then what?

Your answers, dear sir:

1.  Why do you need a relationship with your sister in law?  I see my sisters in law for about an hour twice a year.  We get along OK, but the fact is, I don't have much to do with my sisters in law and I am fine with that.  I am doing my own thing in Texas, they are doing their own thing in Utah, I don't feel bad that we don't communicate often or see each other often.  Maybe, in your case, you shouldn't have much to do with your sister in law.  Hey, your marriage is on the line - if you live in close proximity to your sister in law, maybe you should get another job, move across the country, whatever you need to do.

2.  Why do you need to be so friendly with females besides your wife?  In person, I am really friendly with the husbands and cordial towards the wives, but I don't buddy-buddy with females besides my wife (e.g., taking them aside and having long chats with them, texting them, that sort of thing).  I do this as a sign of respect to my wife and their husbands.  Maybe you should just be strictly cordial towards women you are not married to?  If they are LDS, they will understand.  Treat women other than your wife like you treat other peoples' little children - friendly, but not too close and avoid the appearance of impropriety.  And if you can't do that and can't tell the line between proper and improper, avoid socializing with women altogether.  Your eternal marriage (and by extension, exaltation) is on the line, dear sir.

3.  You have a good relationship with your wife by working at it, serving her, making her number one in your life.  Love, even romantic love, is not a feeling, it is an action.  Telling her you married off the rebound (or telling yourself this) is not moving towards this goal.

4.  If you tell your sister in law that she is beautiful and awesome, perhaps the next step is GOING TO THE BISHOP AND CONFESSING INFIDELITY.  Seriously, don't do this.

Your sister in law may not be married yet, but she belongs to someone else besides you.  You need to understand that and understand that flirting with infidelity is disrespecting your wife, disrespecting your sister in law's future husband, and disrespecting God Himself.  Just don't do it.  Move across the country if you have to.

Oh and by the way, if you commit infidelity with your sister in law, I guarantee it won't be the last time.  If you were to somehow get with the sister in law (likely at the expense of both your soul and hers), I guarantee you will be committing infidelity with someone else in no time at all, and again and again.  I see this in cheaters a LOT, including my very own father (who, after a lifetime of cheating and then cheating on the people he cheated with, finds himself now poor, old, sick, and completely alone, living in a trailer park in Arizona, viewed as a complete and utter fool by everyone around him and in particular his very own sons, and with no relationship with Heavenly Father to speak of).  Conquer the weakness now and save your immortal soul (as well as the heartbreak of a great many people).

Edited by DoctorLemon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, Subir Valhalla said:

My in-laws came over this past weekend. I spoke and listened to conversation with Natalie, my SIL. Nothing happened. I mean it was great to see her after a long time, but she's changed and I figured out that the person I construct in my mind isn't the same as the person in front of me. 

Let's Try Again, the OQ

Can replies be related to my original questions? Stated below in numbered bullets for simplicity. 

  1. How can I have a life long relationship with my SIL and not be attracted to her virtues and kindness?
  2. How do I know if I'm flirting? I mean I'm just an outgoing dude, but sometimes I feel the females send signals or maybe their not signals and I'm too sensitive to that stuff.
  3. How do I have complete and fulfilling relationship with my wife? We're pretty opposite people, and I think it would be for another post but I think I married her off a rebound, but as she puts it that was "over 9 years ago so it doesn't matter now."
  4. What if I tell my sister in law that I think she's beautiful and awesome? Then what?

Alright then. Let's see what comes of these responses.

To the first paragraph (bolded) . . . a big well no duh.  That is how adultery and unfaithfulness always proceed.  It starts in the mind by fantasizing about other women, the "what could be, what might have been, what maybe should have been".  Yet inevitably, that is all it is a fantasy and the sooner you realize that, the better.   The fantasy will never be reality and if you ever attempt to make the fantasy reality in any way, shape or form, you will be in for a lot of heartache and misery in your life.

I have a very simple solution to 1-4 . .. be married to your wife!!!!  You have already committed adultery in your heart:

27  Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast itfrom thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

What exactly do you think Christ is talking about here?? He is talking about your situation, right here! Pay attention to the Words of Christ! You've got to become married to your wife.  Right now you have a piece of paper that says you are married, but a piece of paper is just that a piece of paper it doesn't say anything about what is really going on. Stop worrying about other women and concentrate on and worry about your wife.  And yes your wife is right about the 9 years.

Right now sir, you need to take care of your actual marriage, b/c if you don't you will find sooner or later you won't have a marriage.

Grow up; be a Man of God instead of a slithering carnal man of nature.

 

Edited by JoCa
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 hours ago, Subir Valhalla said:

 

Can replies be related to my original questions? Stated below in numbered bullets for simplicity. 

  1. How can I have a life long relationship with my SIL and not be attracted to her virtues and kindness?
  2. How do I know if I'm flirting? I mean I'm just an outgoing dude, but sometimes I feel the females send signals or maybe their not signals and I'm too sensitive to that stuff.
  3. How do I have complete and fulfilling relationship with my wife? We're pretty opposite people, and I think it would be for another post but I think I married her off a rebound, but as she puts it that was "over 9 years ago so it doesn't matter now."
  4. What if I tell my sister in law that I think she's beautiful and awesome? Then what?

Alright then. Let's see what comes of these responses.

1. Simple, you stop yourself from acting on your impulses. All of us have impulses to sin from time to time, you ignore it, recognize you are wrong, and move on. If you are struggling to ignore it, ask Christ to help you ignore it. As 1 Corinthians 10:13 says God won't allow you too be tempted above what you are able.

2. Once again this is easy. It's all about intent. If you are talking to women with the intent to attract them to you, your flirting. If you're just being friendly then you aren't. Like everything in life we control our thoughts and impulses, asking for help from God when we feel overwhelmed.

3. This is also something you can do. You married your wife and had kids with her. Love is a choice. Serve her, do things she likes or you both like, compliment her and spend your time treating her as the wonderful woman you claim she is. As long as you keep taking these trips through fantasy land you won't be able to love her. You married her. Your reasons are irrelevant at this point. Can you imagine going before God and explaining to him "Well gosh Lord I left my wife and abandoned my children because she wasn't exciting enough for me and I don't think we were soul mates". Of course you can't. Marriage should only be terminated in cases of abuse or adultery and right now, from your description, you're the only one flirting with adultery.

4. DON'T! It's irrelevant to you. Your sister in law could have the beauty of Aphrodite and the purity of Joan of Arc and to you it would be irrelevant. You are flirting with adultery, even if only in fantasy and abstractly. Why would you continue to pursue that path? I have sisters in law that are beautiful and awesome as well and yet I never feel the need to tell them that. To me that's like an Alcoholic asking if it's ok to sniff the wine and talk about it's aromatic qualities. 

You are not an animal. You are a son of God. Act like one, treat your wife like the wonderful woman you said she is in an earlier post, and leave your Sister in law alone before you say or do something both stupid and evil. I'm being blunt with you, because you don't seem to realize how close to the edge you are. Stop and turn to Christ before you hurt yourself, your wife, your children, your sister in law and a whole bunch of other people. Marriage is not just until we get bored. It's for eternity! The Savior wants you to work on strengthening your marriage. See a counselor if you need to, but stop trying to find excuses to sin. 

Edited by Midwest LDS
Link to comment
Share on other sites

There once was a card, a loose wire
Revealing unholy desire
On Mormonhub's forum
Long lacking decorum;
Let's all leave the swines in their mire.

(Other possible final lines:

  • Let's leave the poor guy to his pyre.
  • Look out! Those are straits mighty dire.
  • Lo, such leads to infernal fire.
  • Listen up; that's no celestial choir.)
Edited by Vort
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, Vort said:

There once was a card, a loose wire
Revealing unholy desire
On Mormonhub's forum
Long lacking decorum;
Let's all leave the swines in their mire.

(Other possible final lines:

  • Let's leave the poor guy to his pyre.
  • Look out! Those are straits mighty dire.
  • Lo, such leads to infernal fire.
  • Listen up; that's no celestial choir.)
  • Of reminding of obvious sin we tire.
  • To say it is just I'd be a liar.
  • He should talk to a bishop or at least a friar.
  • Proposed conduct is worse than Don Dwyer.
Edited by DoctorLemon
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest MormonGator
2 hours ago, askandanswer said:

Are they holding a shot gun and machete when they throw themselves in your direction?

Only one of us has a compound in gorgeous Florida son. I'll say no more. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Subir Valhalla said:

I wish that were the case, but there are open jokes about cocaine usage and ridicule on this thread. Which seems unusual since if I was a woman posting about being physically abused people would most likely be empathetic and compassionate. Instead, because of my terse delivery of my message I've had a read some well....let's just say the second great commandment isn't getting filled by "LDS" people.

On the other hand some comments have been very helpful, and I have given them much thought.

You'll find varying levels of bluntness and tact, powered by any one of a number of motivations - especially here.  i suppose most of the possible combinations are potentially valid , depending on the person and situation involved.

Just keep wanting to make the best choice and communicating with God.  God will always work with a willing heart that is wanting to do what's best.  And i think there isn't much He can't pull off with it.  And don't listen to the demeaning comments.  Such a tone is most likely not malicious - though i agree, definitely not right either.  And the comments that demean *you* are not born out of real concern anyways.  i hope it does not drive you away.  i think there are a lot of things that could be different if people just had a safe place to talk through their feelings.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Subir Valhalla said:

I wish that were the case, but there are open jokes about cocaine usage and ridicule on this thread. Which seems unusual since if I was a woman posting about being physically abused people would most likely be empathetic and compassionate. Instead, because of my terse delivery of my message I've had a read some well....let's just say the second great commandment isn't getting filled by "LDS" people.

On the other hand some comments have been very helpful, and I have given them much thought.

I don't know what to tell you, other than I am glad I am not you, but you must understand that I have a huge dislike for complications. You are comparing yourself to a woman who has been abused, your situation has nothing to do with an abused woman, or an abused man for that matter.  You're a married man, AND you have the hots for your sister in law to where you have such an attraction to her, you've created this thread. That's kind of creepy. 

What is it you think the LDS community is denying you? the second commandment is to not make graven images, what does that have to do with you? 

 

What do you want? Do you want for someone to come along and tell you that you're ok? This is ok? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 11/12/2017 at 10:38 PM, Subir Valhalla said:

How can I have a life long relationship with my SIL and not be attracted to her virtues and kindness?

DEFINE ATTRACTED.  There is nothing wrong with acknowledging and praising good virtues and kindness.  President Monson is virtuous and kind.  Do you acknowledge and praise this?  Are you attracted to Pres. Monson?

So, if you''re attracted (as in SEXUALLY) to your Sister-In-Law because she is virtuous and kind then you need to be FAAAAAR away from your sister in law at all times so that you don't taint her goodness.  It's called respect.  Avoid being near to her, avoid thinking about her.  Rather, if she is even within a mile of you, make sure you are with your wife, thinking of your wife, praising your wife, noticing all the good things she is.

 

On 11/12/2017 at 10:38 PM, Subir Valhalla said:
  1. How do I know if I'm flirting? I mean I'm just an outgoing dude, but sometimes I feel the females send signals or maybe their not signals and I'm too sensitive to that stuff.

If you don't know you're flirting then you're not flirting.  If you feel females are sending you signals then you are not thinking about your wife enough.  Think of your wife and you won't notice any of these signals.  Who cares if they send you signals?  You can't control what they do, you can only control how you react to them!

THINK OF YOUR WIFE.

 

On 11/12/2017 at 10:38 PM, Subir Valhalla said:
  1. How do I have complete and fulfilling relationship with my wife? We're pretty opposite people, and I think it would be for another post but I think I married her off a rebound, but as she puts it that was "over 9 years ago so it doesn't matter now."

Love is not just a feeling.  Love is a CHOICE.  Choose to love your wife.  EVERYDAY.  When you wake up the first thing you do is say, "Today, I will love my wife."  Then start thinking about all the good things she is and does and say, "Thank you, wife, for <insert good thing here>".  EVERYDAY.  When you start noticing other girls sending signals repeat, "Today, I will love my wife."  When you start thinking of your sister-in-law repeat, "Today, I will love my wife."

People from India a lot of times meet their spouses for the first time at the marital altar.  They have very successful marriages because they don't care if they don't agree.  All they care about is that they work diligently on their differences.

 

On 11/12/2017 at 10:38 PM, Subir Valhalla said:
  1. What if I tell my sister in law that I think she's beautiful and awesome? Then what?

Why would you tell her that?  What are you expecting out of it?  How about this - Tell your wife she is beautiful and awesome.  Everyday.  Every hour of everyday.  If you're at work, you call her every hour on the hour and tell her, "You are beautiful and awesome".  Do this until you stop hoping to run off with her sister.

True story - my husband did this when I used to go off to another town to work on Monday and not come home until Friday.  He would call me every hour on the hour except when we're sleeping.  I would be in an important business meeting and my phone would go off.  I would excuse myself and answer the phone and my boss would say, "husband checking up on you again?"  and I'd say, "Yep!  Isn't that sweet?"  And they would laugh.  It became a running joke.  I would send flowers to my husband's office to "retaliate".  He became known at his office as the guy who owns stock at the florist.

 

 

 

Edited by anatess2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 11/10/2017 at 11:43 AM, Subir Valhalla said:

DANGEROUS AFFECTION

Intro: Will you marry me
...
Fast forward some 5 or 6 years later, and now the answer is sometimes I think about that, and more. 

I think about wanting to be with my sister-in-law. Yikes or gross?

God Complex or something
 I have these feelings about Natalie now, but I have noticed that I am just a huge flirt...But why am I seeking interest from someone outside my spouse?

A good friend, and a good guy, but I'm holding a grenade in my family room
 I'm a good guy....

The more "successful" men become the more likely they are to cheat, steal, lie and blow up their family.

... I understand that I fit that profile.

... I don't want to blow up my family, and I don't want to be unfaithful. I've learned that sad song of sorrow before and look to learn from error of my past.

The Scenario on Repeat with Natalie

We're alone. Only myself and Natalie sitting on a park bench.  I look at her and tell her, "Natalie, remember when you asked me a long time ago if you were wifey material? [her reply] then I respond, Well, the answer is that you absolutely are. You are an amazing, smart, funny, beautiful and talented person and perhaps even in another lifetime, since you asked,  I would be lucky to married to you." I have a near overwhelming desire to tell this to her, but I know if I do I'm pulling the pin on the grenade. Almost to see what her reaction would be. Would she reciprocate? Would she get awkward? I dunno, but not knowing is exactly why it's appealing.

The Ask

How can I have a relationship with my sister in law and not feel this way?

 

On 11/12/2017 at 9:38 PM, Subir Valhalla said:

Hello all,

I'm surprised, but not from many responses. My the pitch forks come out on thought experiments don't they:

  1. Thank you for establishing that sharing your thoughts about a topic can qualify you (meaning me) as a (1) troll (2) narcissistic (3) most disturbing post ever (4) gross
  2. My SIL is a beautiful and good person, I never said or alluded to inappropriate or sexual thoughts, although some more nuanced readers might have picked up on that

 

You didn't?  See above.  If you never had any inappropriate sexual thoughts about her, why did you say you did?  Why did you feel the need to imply you were afraid of going down that road?  Why try to boost your reputation by saying you're a "good guy"?

Take a step back and realize you did have some inappropriate thoughts about her.  Also take a step back and realize that this doesn't make you a bad guy either.  Recognizing a woman is beautiful is something men do by instinct, not by choice (my opinion).  It is what you do with it that makes you a bad guy.  What are you doing with that inappropriate thought?  You're letting it fester and grow.  That is what is so disturbing about your post.  Instead of running full tilt away from it, you're looking for a way to walk a tightrope and hope that because you're a good guy, you're going to be ok.

Mr. Miyagi: Road.  Walk on left side ok.  Walk on right side ok.  But walk in the middle of the road... sooner or later "quish" just like grape.

The problem here is that your situation has no sides to it.  You're choosing to get off the platform of your happy stable and safe marriage and get on a place where all you can do is walk down the center.  Sooner or later, "quish" just like grape.

23 hours ago, Subir Valhalla said:

I wish that were the case, but there are open jokes about cocaine usage and ridicule on this thread. Which seems unusual since if I was a woman posting about being physically abused people would most likely be empathetic and compassionate. Instead, because of my terse delivery of my message

It wasn't the terse delivery.  It was the fact that you stated inappropriate feelings and then stated that you never said so.  That is being disingenuous.  Then you wanted to accuse others of not loving you enough.  Would people who love you want you to continue down the path you're proposing?  I'd submit not.  Telling you the truth in some way that you might actually wake up to the awful state you find yourself in may be the greatest act of love we can offer you.

If a woman came here talking about being abused, of course we'd be sympathetic.

If you came here saying that you're looking for help in how to control yourself in a difficult situation, of course we'd be sympathetic.

But you came here saying,"Hey, I'm a good guy.  I'm rich.  I'm handsome.  And I want to continue having a good relationship with this sister-in-law that I have strong romantic feelings for.  How can I do that?"  Quick answer:  You can't.  You can only do one of two things: Distance yourself from her OR distance yourself from these feelings.  End of story.

So, if you're here trying to delude yourself into thinking you can walk that tightrope, I'm not going to sweet talk you into believing you can do so.  That would be the exact opposite of helpful.  Instead, I am warning you in the strongest terms possible:  GET THYSELF OUT!!!  If that comes off as terse to you, it is because what you're asking for simply cannot be.  And you're going to find yourself among that statistic of successful men you spoke of.  

Telling you to get yourself as far away from this situation is the greatest act of love I can offer you over this internet interface.  I pray you will listen, for your sake and the sake of your family.

Edited by Guest
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 11/13/2017 at 2:34 PM, Subir Valhalla said:

I wish that were the case, but there are open jokes about cocaine usage and ridicule on this thread. Which seems unusual since if I was a woman posting about being physically abused people would most likely be empathetic and compassionate. Instead, because of my terse delivery of my message I've had a read some well....let's just say the second great commandment isn't getting filled by "LDS" people.

On the other hand some comments have been very helpful, and I have given them much thought.

Personally, I've found this forum to be very welcoming and helpful with sinful behavior.  However, you must first recognize the behavior and desire help in overcoming it.  

If you come here talking about how your wife might not be the one and putting up a poll asking if you should get with her sister, I don't understand how you can be surprised when a group of faithful LDS asks you if you've lost your ever-loving mind.   This isn't the Hedonism chat room.

Edited by Grunt
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest MormonGator
42 minutes ago, Grunt said:


If you come here talking about how your wife might be the one and putting up a poll asking if you should get with her sister, I don't understand how you can be surprised when a group of faithful LDS ask you if you've lost your ever-loving mind.   This isn't the Hedonism chat room.

Exactly. Sometimes "rude" or "sarcastic" or "mean" answers are based on the original post. You can't come in here and say "Oh, I'm thinking of leaving my wife for her sister." and expect us to respond with cuddles and flowers. 

No apologies for my comments. I think I was dead on. You've lost the right to complain about people being mean or sarcastic when you are clearly thinking of doing something that has very serious consequences for innocent parties. Perhaps what you think is a lack of "compassion" is someone telling you what you don't want to hear. 

Edited by MormonGator
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, MormonGator said:

Exactly. Sometimes "rude" or "sarcastic" or "mean" answers are based on the original post. You can't come in here and say "Oh, I'm thinking of leaving my wife for her sister." and expect us to respond with cuddles and flowers. 

No apologies for my comments. I think I was dead on. You've lost the right to complain about people being mean or sarcastic when you are clearly thinking of doing something that has very serious consequences for innocent parties. Perhaps what you think is a lack of "compassion" is someone telling you what you don't want to hear. 

I think you were dead on as well.  If anything I wasn't hard enough on OP's proposed behavior.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 11/12/2017 at 8:38 PM, Subir Valhalla said:

Hello all,

I'm surprised, but not from many responses. My the pitch forks come out on thought experiments don't they:

  1. Thank you for establishing that sharing your thoughts about a topic can qualify you (meaning me) as a (1) troll (2) narcissistic (3) most disturbing post ever (4) gross
  2. My SIL is a beautiful and good person, I never said or alluded to inappropriate or sexual thoughts, although some more nuanced readers might have picked up on that
  3. I like the Meme, short message perhaps best response right behind lostinwater's response
  4. The original questions (OQ) I feel some where addressed by many weren't. I will re-state again for clarity.

Update After the Visit from Natalie

My in-laws came over this past weekend. I spoke and listened to conversation with Natalie, my SIL. Nothing happened. I mean it was great to see her after a long time, but she's changed and I figured out that the person I construct in my mind isn't the same as the person in front of me. 

Let's Try Again, the OQ

Can replies be related to my original questions? Stated below in numbered bullets for simplicity. 

  1. How can I have a life long relationship with my SIL and not be attracted to her virtues and kindness?
  2. How do I know if I'm flirting? I mean I'm just an outgoing dude, but sometimes I feel the females send signals or maybe their not signals and I'm too sensitive to that stuff.
  3. How do I have complete and fulfilling relationship with my wife? We're pretty opposite people, and I think it would be for another post but I think I married her off a rebound, but as she puts it that was "over 9 years ago so it doesn't matter now."

 

  1. What if I tell my sister in law that I think she's beautiful and awesome? Then what?

Alright then. Let's see what comes of these responses.

I experienced a similar scenario with my cousin's husband.

After my mission I was searching for a job in the Salt Lake City area.  My cousin's husband helped me find a job in the same building that he worked in.  I also needed a place to live and my cousin invited me to live with them until I could find a place.  Being a poor working girl and also going to school, money was tight so I was grateful to them for allowing me to stay with them until I could find roommates and get my own place. We carpooled to work and everything was fine until one day my cousin's husband told me he was attracted to me.  Wow!  That was a shock!  I had no idea he felt this way.  Needless to say, I moved out within a week.

My feelings were one of "ick".  This was not cool!!  My regard for him took a nosedive.  Where I once thought he was an upright guy, I now thought of him as a perv.  I felt terrible.  I wondered if I had ever done anything to let him think I was interested in him.  I was not.  I had never been.  I felt bad for my cousin.  How could he be so disrespectful to her?

Have you ever thought about what would happen if you actually told your SIL your feelings?   She may have the same reaction that I had.  One of revulsion.  That's what she should feel.  But, what if it isn't revulsion on her part, and she tells you she is interested in you as well.  Then what?  Let's say you keep it on the up and up, and no hanky panky occurs, but you divorce your wife.  Can you imagine the family dynamics if you should marry your SIL?  There would never be a comfortable time with the in-laws.  How could there be?  How could your children ever be comfortable with such a situation.  This is a losing scenario.,  No matter how you look at it.  It would not be good!!!  Never tell your SIL your feelings about her if you want her respect.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, classylady said:

I experienced a similar scenario with my cousin's husband.

After my mission I was searching for a job in the Salt Lake City area.  My cousin's husband helped me find a job in the same building that he worked in.  I also needed a place to live and my cousin invited me to live with them until I could find a place.  Being a poor working girl and also going to school, money was tight so I was grateful to them for allowing me to stay with them until I could find roommates and get my own place. We carpooled to work and everything was fine until one day my cousin's husband told me he was attracted to me.  Wow!  That was a shock!  I had no idea he felt this way.  Needless to say, I moved out within a week.

My feelings were one of "ick".  This was not cool!!  My regard for him took a nosedive.  Where I once thought he was an upright guy, I now thought of him as a perv.  I felt terrible.  I wondered if I had ever done anything to let him think I was interested in him.  I was not.  I had never been.  I felt bad for my cousin.  How could he be so disrespectful to her?

Have you ever thought about what would happen if you actually told your SIL your feelings?   She may have the same reaction that I had.  One of revulsion.  That's what she should feel.  But, what if it isn't revulsion on her part, and she tells you she is interested in you as well.  Then what?  Let's say you keep it on the up and up, and no hanky panky occurs, but you divorce your wife.  Can you imagine the family dynamics if you should marry your SIL?  There would never be a comfortable time with the in-laws.  How could there be?  How could your children ever be comfortable with such a situation.  This is a losing scenario.,  No matter how you look at it.  It would not be good!!!  Never tell your SIL your feelings about her if you want her respect.

I would quadruple like this if I could.  The potential for destruction from those words, no matter what the sister-in-law feels, is massive and ought to be so terrifying as to make them unthinkable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share