Girlfriend/ Possibly Fiancé Soon[F23] Admitted To Me[M24] That She Has Had A Problem With Pornography


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So, I’ve been dating this absolutely amazing girl for a little while, and recently she just hit me with this because we are getting pretty serious and we are probably going to get engaged soon. She’s coming out of a difficult year and she admitted to me last night that she has had a pornography problem. Not a full pornography addiction problem, but an occasional problem viewing it. She hasn’t viewed it for 2 months now, and is actively working with her bishop about the issue.  

I love this girl like crazy, and her me. I’m just wondering how long are we going to have to wait for her to be worthy of a temple recommend again? We both agree that the only marriage we want is a Temple marriage, so this is definitely a big part.  I know the length of wait is largely dependent on the situation, but I want to ask how long would you say one would have to wait to be temple worthy again for something like this?

I also want to note that I know that this is between her and the Lord, not her, me, and the Lord. However, because we are talking about marriage I’d really like to know if we’re going to be waiting a couple months, or if we’re going to be waiting a year or more. Just a basic idea would be nice.

Edited by Danny Phantom
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10 minutes ago, Danny Phantom said:

I’m just wondering how long are we going to have to wait for her to be worthy of a temple recommend again?

That's totally up to her and how recovery goes.  None of us here remotely tell you a timeframe.  It's all dependent on where where she is currently, how fast she's willing to move from there to where she needs to be, and how focused on staying there. 

Note: looking beyond any wedding day, the big reason a person works to be clean of pornography is to be chaste before the Lord, their spouse, and themselves.  

10 minutes ago, Danny Phantom said:

I also want to note that I know that this is between her and the Lord, not her, me, and the Lord. 

That is 563% true!

10 minutes ago, Danny Phantom said:

 However, because we are talking about marriage I’d really like to know if we’re going to be waiting a couple months, or if we’re going to be waiting a year. Just a basic idea would be nice.

Again, no one else can remotely tell you.  Pornography is wicked addictive and hard to combat and stay clean.

 

Edited by Jane_Doe
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28 minutes ago, Danny Phantom said:

So, I’ve been dating this absolutely amazing girl for a little while, and recently she just hit me with this because we are getting pretty serious and we are probably going to get engaged soon. She’s coming out of a difficult year and she admitted to me last night that she has had a pornography problem. Not a full pornography addiction problem, but an occasional problem viewing it. She hasn’t viewed it for 2 months now, and is actively working with her bishop about the issue.  

I love this girl like crazy, and her me. I’m just wondering how long are we going to have to wait for her to be worthy of a temple recommend again? We both agree that the only marriage we want is a Temple marriage, so this is definitely a big part.  I know the length of wait is largely dependent on the situation, but I want to ask how long would you say one would have to wait to be temple worthy again for something like this?

I also want to note that I know that this is between her and the Lord, not her, me, and the Lord. However, because we are talking about marriage I’d really like to know if we’re going to be waiting a couple months, or if we’re going to be waiting a year or more. Just a basic idea would be nice.

While we cannot give a time frame, I will say this: if this girl is half as awesome as she sounds, she is totally worth waiting for, even for a year!

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I would say times can vary based on the level of viewing and if it's an addiction.  I have heard missionaries needing to wait 6 months to go on a mission but that didn't mean they had to wait 6 months to go to the temple.  I have heard as little as 3 months but there is no hard rule in the handbook.  I would say she is doing pretty well and it's probably something she should let her bishop know about so you can plan accordingly.  I would be surprised if it was much more than 3 months or maybe a few more from what you are saying but once again it's case by case. 

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1 hour ago, Danny Phantom said:

She hasn’t viewed it for 2 months now, and is actively working with her bishop about the issue.  

Just ask her and if she doesn't know have her ask her Bishop.  For pornography issues there is no rule that one cannot attend the temple while dealing with pornography.  Some Bishops might take away a recommend, while others might not.  Some Bishops might say "don't partake of the sacrament for a month" others might not, it is totally dependent upon the individual, where they are in the repentance process and the Bishop under God's inspiration.

If the Bishop took away or prohibits going to the temple then he should have a pretty good idea as to the length of time that he takes it away, but he might leave it open to the individual as in he might say "you can get the recommend back when you feel you have fully repented and can answer the questions honestly".

1 hour ago, Danny Phantom said:

She’s coming out of a difficult year and she admitted to me last night that she has had a pornography problem.

Doesn't surprise me in the least . . .more likely than not she used pornography to help self-medicate whatever difficult problems she has had. The biggest question for that is has she learned how to self-medicate without the need to use porn?

More likely than not as she goes through life, she will encounter way more difficult years than she has last year; if she hasn't figured out how to cope with difficult problems without going to porn, then it could be a rough ride.

Edited by JoCa
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IMO, you're overthinking it.  She admitted it, and you're supportive; you're already off to a better start than a huge number of couples who have managed to make things work through a lot worse initial conditions.  (And it goes without saying that it's a better start than many who don't ultimately make it work.)

Personally, I'd rethink the possibility of civil marriage and going to the temple later.  (Assuming, of course, that she can't go within a couple months.)  If you can't commit to a first step with the second step a year later, you're not ready to commit to anything eternal.  If she's turned to porn in the past, it's likely she has an issue with seeking physical contact, which could turn into other issues if you delay the marriage significantly.

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1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:
1 hour ago, Danny Phantom said:

I also want to note that I know that this is between her and the Lord, not her, me, and the Lord. 

That is 563% true!

I'd say  more like 56.3% true. Your wife's problems are indeed your problems, so a finacée's issues are not to be lightly glossed over. No, you have no direct involvement; but yes, it is of enormous potential impact to you. My own opinion is that this issue is not a deal-breaker, but it is something worth monitoring, similar to, say, an opioid addiction. Don't be naive.

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This question was asked to, and answered by, Elders Ballard and Oaks in the recent Face to Face with Young Single Adults. You can view it here.

https://www.lds.org/broadcasts/face-to-face/oaks-ballard?cid=HP_SU_19-11-2017_dPFD_fBCAST_xLIDyL1-B_&lang=eng

Sorry, I've just re-read the OP a little more carefully. The question that the apostles were asked was not how long someone with a pornography problem would have to wait before they could be married in the temple. It was more along the lines of what should I do, or how can help the person I am dating if they are viewing pornography. Even so, I still think the broadcast is worth watching

 

Edited by askandanswer
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34 minutes ago, Vort said:

I'd say  more like 56.3% true. Your wife's problems are indeed your problems, so a finacée's issues are not to be lightly glossed over. No, you have no direct involvement; but yes, it is of enormous potential impact to you. 

I agree that it definite has an impact on him (HUGE if it's a spouse), I was just pointing out that the fixing it is 0% in his court.

34 minutes ago, Vort said:

My own opinion is that this issue is not a deal-breaker, but it is something worth monitoring, similar to, say, an opioid addiction. Don't be naive.

Agreed.

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1 hour ago, JoCa said:

Doesn't surprise me in the least . . .more likely than not she used pornography to help self-medicate whatever difficult problems she has had. The biggest question for that is has she learned how to self-medicate without the need to use porn?

More likely than not as she goes through life, she will encounter way more difficult years than she has last year; if she hasn't figured out how to cope with difficult problems without going to porn, then it could be a rough ride.

You'll rarely find me agreeing with JoCa on much of anything, but I agree on this.  The problem, from a certain perspective, is not really the pornography use, it's whatever is triggering the pornography use, and that thing is most likely some kind of stressor - something causes stress, anxiety, frustration, whatever you want to call it, to build to the point where she needs a release from it, and right now, her release is pornography.  If she hasn't learned to recognize the stressors, the thoughts which lead to using pornography for stress-relief, and how to counteract them, including practicing counteracting them, as well as how to avoid or minimize the stress and release it via something other than pornography, she'll fall right back into that release the next time her stress level exceeds her tolerance.

Help her work on that, @Danny Phantom - and no, just because pornography is her current release does NOT mean sex (once married) can take its place - maybe it can, maybe it can't, but you can't draw a direct line.

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@Danny Phantom that is a tough problem to deal with, but it can be dealt with. God can fix this, he really can. The fact that she was open and honest about it to you right from the start is a great sign. That shows me that she wants to be open and honest with you no matter how painful or embarrassing the subject, a good quality in a wife. She had to know it might affect your relationship, yet she told you anyways. As far as your initial question, that's between her and her bishop, but generally it's more like weeks or months than years in my experience, just as a general rule. Go in with your eyes open, she may struggle with this from time to time in her life. But if you receive the confirmation of the Holy Spirit, I say go for it she sounds like the type who does not want this to be a part of her life. Just my two cents☺.

Edited by Midwest LDS
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If you do intend to build a life together with this girl, then her problems are your problems and your problems are her problems.  You face them together and support each other.

I'm sure when the Bishop says she is ready to go back to the temple she tell you, but there is no way to know how long it will take for her to finish the repentance process.  I seem to recall some young guy in the Bible having to wait 14 years to marry this love, but it eventually happened.  Don't make her feel rushed, be a source of encouragement and support to her.  Especially if she slides backwards a bit.

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Honest, non-snarky observation: If your fiancée has struggled with pornography, that at least seems to indicate that she likes sex. Never having had to live either extreme, I believe I'd rather have a wife who dealt with (and perhaps deals with) a pornography problem than a wife who doesn't like sex.

I once heard someone say something similar about masturbation. A young woman opined that she wanted to marry a man who had never masturbated. Her leader tried to express the idea that vanishingly few young men had never masturbated, and most those few who had truly never done so probably had a defective sex drive. Masturbation is not a good thing per se, but at least it means the young man's sex drive and equipment is functioning within specs.

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10 hours ago, Vort said:

Honest, non-snarky observation: If your fiancée has struggled with pornography, that at least seems to indicate that she likes sex.

I'm not sure this follows.  There's a very big difference between watching the movie and living the movie.  Especially for a female.

On the flip side, one of the biggest problems with women reading romance novels is that they tend to start to expect to find the guy in real life - or in their husbands.  Imagine your girlfriend/wife yearning for you to be just like the guy in The Notebook.  True story:  a friend of mine broke up with his fiancee because she asked him to read The Notebook before they get married.

Edited by anatess2
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10 hours ago, Vort said:

Honest, non-snarky observation: If your fiancée has struggled with pornography, that at least seems to indicate that she likes sex. Never having had to live either extreme, I believe I'd rather have a wife who dealt with (and perhaps deals with) a pornography problem than a wife who doesn't like sex.

I once heard someone say something similar about masturbation. A young woman opined that she wanted to marry a man who had never masturbated. Her leader tried to express the idea that vanishingly few young men had never masturbated, and most those few who had truly never done so probably had a defective sex drive. Masturbation is not a good thing per se, but at least it means the young man's sex drive and equipment is functioning within specs.

I actually did consider this, though it’s not the deciding factor. I’m certain I want to wait for her, because she’s doing really well and it isn’t so bad her it is an addiction. Well that and I love her like crazy. It honestly won’t be too long we’ll have to wait. I’m posting this I was honestly just curious to what wait times other situations yielded. I didn’t mean for it to be a “please help me decide” post. I was just mainly trying to ask for general curiosity of how long people in similar situations have waited.

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59 minutes ago, Danny Phantom said:

I actually did consider this, though it’s not the deciding factor. I’m certain I want to wait for her, because she’s doing really well and it isn’t so bad her it is an addiction. Well that and I love her like crazy. It honestly won’t be too long we’ll have to wait. I’m posting this I was honestly just curious to what wait times other situations yielded. I didn’t mean for it to be a “please help me decide” post. I was just mainly trying to ask for general curiosity of how long people in similar situations have waited.

It varies depending on level of sin, Bishop, penitence, and inspiration.

I know a man who took six months to get his recommend back.  He had been using pornography habitually and frequently for years behind his wife's back and was seriously into it (basically addiction level).   He had to stay "sober" from it long enough to demonstrate that he had kicked the addiction.  (And he indeed apparently kicked the habit - this all took place 20 years ago).

There was a guy on this site who succumbed to pornography habitually for something like a month, if I remember correctly.  He stopped cold turkey and was very penitent.  He got his back in something like six weeks.

So it varies a lot and seems to be aimed at helping people kick the habit and rehabilitate rather than punishing people with some kind of a "sentence".

With that in mind, the time spent waiting right now may be time very well spent.  The bishop may be building a foundation for a really strong marriage by helping your girlfriend overcome this sin now so maybe you two won't ever have to deal with this again. 

What is more, if you show support and understanding (as opposed to the all too common reaction of scolding and scorn) to your girlfriend now, in her time of weakness, she will always remember it and she is going to love you and be open with you and know she can have open, honest communication with you.  This is the stuff good marriages are made of!

Edited by DoctorLemon
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18 hours ago, Vort said:

Honest, non-snarky observation: If your fiancée has struggled with pornography, that at least seems to indicate that she likes sex. Never having had to live either extreme, I believe I'd rather have a wife who dealt with (and perhaps deals with) a pornography problem than a wife who doesn't like sex.

I once heard someone say something similar about masturbation. A young woman opined that she wanted to marry a man who had never masturbated. Her leader tried to express the idea that vanishingly few young men had never masturbated, and most those few who had truly never done so probably had a defective sex drive. Masturbation is not a good thing per se, but at least it means the young man's sex drive and equipment is functioning within specs.

No, porn creates unrealistic expectations that a flesh and blood spouse can't live up to.  It creates dissatisfaction with reality and offers a quick and easy escape the the hard parts of building a sexual relationship with somebody.  Masturbation carries a similar risk.  There is no upside in the long run to going against what God asks of us.

Edited by Latter-Day Marriage
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11 minutes ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

No, porn creates unrealistic expectations that a flesh and blood spouse can't live up to.  It creates dissatisfaction with reality and offers a quick and easy escape the the hard parts of building a sexual relationship with somebody.  Masturbation carries a similar risk.  There is no upside in the long run to going against what God asks of us.

Hey LDM, I think I stumbled upon the "LDS" forum you were talking about where you were banned from for being "too preachy" (aka standing up for righteousness)!  I left after about five seconds, because it was not a very uplifting place.  But I did have a good laugh!

Edited by DoctorLemon
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3 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

Hey LDM, I think I stumbled upon the "LDS" forum you were banned from for being "too preachy" (aka standing up for righteousness)!  I left after about five seconds, because it was not a very uplifting place.  But I did have a good laugh!

You can probably still search for my posts there.  Some epic threads taking on the forces of apostasy.  There was a thread celebrating me being banned too, they left that one public for me to see.

I still get hits on my blog with that as the referring site.

Edited by Latter-Day Marriage
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Just now, Latter-Day Marriage said:

You can probably still search for my posts there.  Some epic threads taking on the forces of apostasy.  There was a thread celebrating me being banned too, they left that one public for me to see.

Judging from my two minutes on the forum, I wouldn't feel too bad.  I would liken you to Samuel the Lamanite, preaching repentance to those folks!

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12 hours ago, anatess2 said:
22 hours ago, Vort said:

Honest, non-snarky observation: If your fiancée has struggled with pornography, that at least seems to indicate that she likes sex.

I'm not sure this follows.  There's a very big difference between watching the movie and living the movie.  Especially for a female.

Amen and amen!!

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