I like a missionary. WEIRD instant connections.


Laura23
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I met a missionary and I liked him. I never did anything inappropriate.  He is now transferred out of my ward. I want to talk to him when gets back. Any advice on how to reach out to him when he does get back? We are friends on Facebook.

Edited by Laura23
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@Laura23,

This is really difficult for me to say since I'm trying to be nice to newbies and be all welcoming and stuff.  But I need to say something that will wake you up to a reality that is staring you straight in the face.  This is called INFATUATION.  It isn't anything special.  He's an attractive guy with a winning personality.  He's got that missionary spirit.  Of course you'd find someone like that attractive.

STOP IT!  STOP IT NOW!

He's a missionary.  Keep your distance.

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8 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

@Laura23,

This is really difficult for me to say since I'm trying to be nice to newbies and be all welcoming and stuff.  But I need to say something that will wake you up to a reality that is staring you straight in the face.  This is called INFATUATION.  It isn't anything special.  He's an attractive guy with a winning personality.  He's got that missionary spirit.  Of course you'd find someone like that attractive.

STOP IT!  STOP IT NOW!

He's a missionary.  Keep your distance.

I haven't seen him in a month. He transferred out of my ward. I never did anything inappropriate and I respected the fact he's a missionary. I honestly feel like you didn't read what I posted. I literally saif I never showed him any sign I had feelings for him. Also I've met many missionaries throughout my life and it's not the "Missionary spirit" or else I'd become "infatuated" with every missionary. 

Edited by Laura23
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My thoughts - Someone on a mission is not always how they are in the 'real world'. I thought there were clues/connections with someone I dated at your age - but I'm not married to him. Lastly, you need to date!! You don't have much to compare this guy to yet nor do you want to look back and wish you had enjoyed the dating scene while you were able. 

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10 hours ago, Laura23 said:

My father invited them over to dinner and I found out he had every quality I wanted in a future husband.

Yeah, no.  You did not find that out.  Not over dinner.  Not in an evening.  Not while he's a missionary in your father's home.  Nope.  He may have appeared great, but unless these "qualities" are skin deep, you cannot know that he's actually got them.  I don't care how much of an "open book" he is, you just can't trust an assessment based on the limited interactions described.

10 hours ago, Laura23 said:

We talked in church activities, Sundays etc and I got to know him pretty well.

Yeah, no.  Not in an evening.  Not in the described, controlled, limited situations.

Like @Carborendum, I'm not trying to be harsh, but take it from someone who's lived 4 times as long and been there, done that (so to speak) - hormones are messing with your mind, which mind is not done learning to control and recognize the influence of those hormones, and won't be done until your mid 20s.

Go date other guys.  Try not to intimidate them with your own business and stock market adventures.  Do not spend the next 9 months feeding your infatuation with this guy.  If you're still interested after his mission is over and after you've got some experience interacting with other guys, and if he's interested, then after his mission, you'll talk, and you'll get together for a date, and take it from there, but don't go hanging hopes and plans on all those ifs - just live your life.

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In what follows, I'm not talking about Laura23 or even the OP (per se).  I'm talking about greed.

Not to derail the thread or anything but, this struck me, hard:

10 hours ago, Laura23 said:

I always thought it was pointless to get to know the missionaries only for them to leave. I never bothered talking to them.

Contrast that with the following scene from a novel.  The main character is a little old lady, a widow named Mrs. Pollifax.  She's been chatting with Mia, the young woman seated next to her on an airplane.  They're strangers at the start of the flight.

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As the plane touched earth and taxied down the runway Mia looked at Mrs. Pollifax with huge eyes.  "Do you realize we may never meet again?" she said in dismay, and was suddenly a very young child.

Mrs. Pollifax smiled.  "But it's so very nice that we've met at all," she said warmly.

Mia laughed.  "There I go, being greedy again--you're much the wiser."

I think there's a bucketful of learning to be had in that exchange.

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My advice may differ a little from others, so take it with a grain of salt.

First, what you feel is normal.  We are attracted to people by looks and for qualities we perceive they have.  Acting on those impulses, however, would be unfair to you and him.

I believe God knows what we need.  For now, you MUST put those thoughts out of your mind.  You MUST give God, and life, a chance to work.  To do this you must open yourself to opportunities.  Meet other men.  Date.  This is how you learn what qualities you REALLY want.  This is where you learn what works with your personality and values,  AND what you may need to work on in your own life.   This is where you may find the man that is right for you.

OR, God may put this missionary back in your life after his mission.   I'm willing to bet, however, that you'll be my age someday and married with a family.  You'll look back on that missionary fondly and think about how that infatuation helped you grow to be ready for the man who married and made your life complete.

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6 hours ago, my two cents said:

My thoughts - Someone on a mission is not always how they are in the 'real world'. I thought there were clues/connections with someone I dated at your age - but I'm not married to him. Lastly, you need to date!! You don't have much to compare this guy to yet nor do you want to look back and wish you had enjoyed the dating scene while you were able. 

That's something Ive definitely thought about. In 9 months I would really like to get to know the him that's not on his mission. But it's all in gods hands :) I will go out on dates with other men. Im actually a very social person, I go to the YSA dances, movies with friends, ice skating etc. But I will make an effort to go on dates! Thank you for the advice. 

Edited by Laura23
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2 hours ago, zil said:

Yeah, no.  You did not find that out.  Not over dinner.  Not in an evening.  Not while he's a missionary in your father's home.  Nope.  He may have appeared great, but unless these "qualities" are skin deep, you cannot know that he's actually got them. 

My qualities are pretty simple I want to marry someone  1. VERY Spiritual 2. Business oriented 3. With a calm/relaxed personality. 4. Raised with a foucs on family unity.

I have many others but those are the basics. It's extremely rare to find someone who views money the same way I do. I've never met anyone else besides this guy. With my personality type which is very outgoing, forgetful,  talkative etc.  (When it comes to business I'm very different) Ive read I need to marry someone who is more calm, collected, analytical, someone who listens. My brothers and father tend to be more rougher and unemotional so I know I want to marry someone who is more in tune with their emotions. From what I saw his personality is in align with these things. I don't know a lot about him but I want to get to know him better. When he is not on his mission. 

Quote

Go date other guys.  Try not to intimidate them with your own business and stock market adventures.  Do not spend the next 9 months feeding your infatuation with this guy.  If you're still interested after his mission is over and after you've got some experience interacting with other guys, and if he's interested, then after his mission, you'll talk, and you'll get together for a date, and take it from there, but don't go hanging hopes and plans on all those ifs - just live your life.

Haha I do intimidate a lot of men with my buisness side but only mature people will like that side of me. Immature men will be intimidated and not see the value in that. I don't need that kind of guy in my life. 

I talked a lot to him about this and because he grew up in a very buisness oriented family. I could tell he wasn't intimidated by this side of me it instead intrigued him. Thank you very much for your advice I will be dating and hanging out with friends while the 9 months pass I appreciate the response. 

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1 hour ago, zil said:

Contrast that with the following scene from a novel.  The main character is a little old lady, a widow named Mrs. Pollifax.  She's been chatting with Mia, the young woman seated next to her on an airplane.  They're strangers at the start of the flight.

I think there's a bucketful of learning to be had in that exchange.

I really enjoyed reading this. It is very selfish of me to only meet people I will see again not people who I will never see again. There is beauty in at least meeting someone instead of never knowing them. Thanks for this. Could you possibly go more in depth on the "learning to be had in that exchange". I would be very interested to know what you have learned from that section of the story. 

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2 hours ago, Grunt said:

First, what you feel is normal.  We are attracted to people by looks and for qualities we perceive they have.  Acting on those impulses, however, would be unfair to you and him.

I believe God knows what we need.  For now, you MUST put those thoughts out of your mind.  You MUST give God, and life, a chance to work.  

It would be unfair to me and him that's why I never did anything inappropriate. I agree with you I will get him out of my mind and focus on my work and meeting new people and in 9 months we will see what happens. Thank you. I know for a fact he may not be "the one" but I just wanted advice and thoughts on my situation. Maybe he will come back In my life if that's what is good for me maybe not. Thanks. 

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13 hours ago, Laura23 said:

3. After he gets back from his mission would we be able to become romantically involved?

If you both are still interested enough to put in the effort.

13 hours ago, Laura23 said:

4. Any advice on how to reach out to him when he does get back?

After he's been off his mission for a while, message him to ask how he's settling in to post-mission life. DO NOT contact him while he is still on the mission. It might be worth considering blocking him from your feed until he's supposed to be going home.

13 hours ago, Laura23 said:

6. Do you know anyone who married someone they met on their mission?

I actually know a couple who met as missionaries serving in the same mission. They met, knew they were meant to get married, told the mission president, and he kept them apart for the remainder of the mission.

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10 minutes ago, Laura23 said:

Could you possibly go more in depth on the "learning to be had in that exchange". I would be very interested to know what you have learned from that section of the story. 

I have learned that we tend to approach interactions with other people greedily - wanting to prevent pain or to keep our time and effort to ourselves.  I see this in myself, and I see this in attitudes expressed by others when they're explaining things like why they don't like some Church program which invites them to initiate a relationship with someone else.

I have learned that we make split-second cost-benefit analyses of potential relationships with people we encounter, and decide that if there's no apparent (possibly immediate) benefit for us, we're not going to bother.  Heaven (literally) knows what we're giving up when we do this.

I have learned that we tend not to make an effort to create or maintain relationships which we could create or maintain, if we were willing to expend time and energy on it.  I have learned that instead of using the power of technology to maintain relationships, we use it to keep people at a distance.

I have learned that we often walk away from brief encounters with our thoughts on something other than the person with whom we were interacting and the good we can take from their brief presence in our life.

I have learned that we have all way overbooked our lives, and I'm not sure why or that those things and events add value as compared to how it could be if we slowed down enough to change the above.

Obviously, none of these statements is true all the time about every relationship.  Obviously, there are many who don't have these problems - they are to be commended.  There are probably a few weirdos we wish did have these problems. ;)  But I certainly have, and have experienced, many of these problems in my life.  Whether I'll ever work past them remains to be seen.

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Keep in mind this was some 40 years ago. 

My father-in-law met his future wife on his mission.  He lived across the street (in bountiful Utah) and had to ask to be transferred because he couldn't handle seeing her go on dates it was too distracting, because he knew she was the one - they wrote each other during the mission.  Fast forward to the end of the mission and when he went home the mission president allowed her to see him off at the airport and told him to give her a kiss before he left home.  My how things have changed.

Nothing wrong with a single girl being attracted to a missionary, and you have done everything you should do not to distract him from the work.  Follow up in 9 months and if it works out great, and if not that's okay too. 

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Just wait.  If it's meant to happen it will happen.  I met several girls from my mission after my mission.  One was going on her own mission so we met briefly in Provo before she entered the MTC.  The other I dated in college, but it didn't work out. Others came and went.  Some exchanged Christmas cards for a few years, but that faded,  Again, if it happens it happens.  But don't worry too much if it doesn't.

Edited by bytebear
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  • 5 months later...

Sup,

Not sure if he is still on his mission but if he is don't bother him. Like really. He wasn't sent on the mission to be your Love right now. He is learning and growing as you should be also at this time. Don't send him romantic messages or even hand written letters, NONE, while he is serving. He needs to focus on teaching the people and inviting them to come to the Lord. He isn't even on the mission for himself. He is there to be a tool in the hands of God. His growth and blessings come as a secondary effect of his having served faithfully.

 

tl;dr - Chill out and contact him after he gets HOME.

 

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4 minutes ago, zil said:

Dude.  :deadthread: (So are the other :ancient:  threads to which you've been replying.)  Did your wife leave you home alone for the weekend? :P

Rude >:P

Lol I am on vacation

and besides it only happened in November. This Elder could still be on a mission while she is thinking about him

Edited by Overwatch
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Just now, zil said:

In that case, just so you know, @Overwatch, shorthand and other filter-skipping methods to get around the filters which prevent you from posting vulgarities are against the rules.  Just mentioning so that you aren't surprised should a moderator call you on it.

I am very well accustomed to Mormon sites and the politics and favoritism that comes with running a chat site. So far I am very impressed with the mods here. I am just used to chatting on all types of forums so my abbreviations are actually used on them also. So in this case I would have never known cuss words are actually filtered out here.

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3 minutes ago, Overwatch said:

I am very well accustomed to Mormon sites and the politics and favoritism that comes with running a chat site. So far I am very impressed with the mods here. I am just used to chatting on all types of forums so my abbreviations are actually used on them also. So in this case I would have never known cuss words are actually filtered out here.

If you'd read the rules you would have.  They're located at the top of the page.  The mods do give a lot of leeway, but some things are pretty cut and dry.

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5. No cursing or crude language. Any swearing, including filter skipping, will result in an automatic one week suspension.

 

Edited by Grunt
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