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I have been dating this girl for awhile now. I have bought a ring and everything and we are deeply in love. There is one thing that has come up a couple of times that has been a source of contention. We always get over it but I just want some advice about what I should do. Okay so we will call her Susie. Susie loves to go tanning. I know it seems harmless to her. However I have read the statistics and just how dangerous indoor tanning actually is. Increased chance of melanoma by 75%. I expressed this concern in the nicest way I knew how but she did not like what I said. She reassures me that she will not get skin cancer but I dont know how she could know this. I just want her to be around when we have kids and not laid up in the hospital or recovering from skin cancer. Anways any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!!

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Alas, I don't know how to advise you on this, except to suggest prayer and following the Spirit - God knows what you should do in this situation, trust him and work hard to put your own thoughts aside sufficiently to receive that guidance.

In the meantime, welcome, @Nick0123!  (Love the inclusion of the zero - most people forget it's the proper start to that sequence of numbers - you'd think they were Romans... ;) )

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3 minutes ago, zil said:

In the meantime, welcome, @Nick0123!  (Love the inclusion of the zero - most people forget it's the proper start to that sequence of numbers - you'd think they were Romans... ;) )

Zero-based counting is a geek thing. Most normal people wouldn't say, "I have 0 brothers, but I don't have any sisters." I mean, come on.

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11 minutes ago, Vort said:

Zero-based counting is a geek thing. Most normal people wouldn't say, "I have 0 brothers, but I don't have any sisters." I mean, come on.

You've got that wrong:

"I have one brother, brother 0, his name is George, but I don't have any sisters."

or

"George is brother 0 - he's the only one - but I have no sisters."

...in other words, numbering starts at zero, but referencing the count is normal.  Thus, the first is in position zero, the second is in position one, etc.  If you have a baker's dozen, you have 13, but they are numbered/labeled 0 through 12.

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15 hours ago, Nick0123 said:

Anways any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!!

This won't be the only thing you're going to disagree on.  Tanning is actually pretty "meh" in a lifetime of challenges.  Just wait until you have kids and you disagree on how to discipline Susie Jr.  But that's just me.

So, here's my advice.  Decide now.  Today.  Right this very second.  That you are going to acknowledge and accept your wife's agency.  If you can't do that, then it is best that you don't marry her.  After you have made that FIRM decision, then choose your battles.  Is the possibility of her getting cancer from a tanning bed a battle you want to put a flag on?  Yes or no.  If No, then that's easy.  You just need to make contingency plans for IF she does get cancer - like save up for healthcare costs, get insurance, write a will, etc.  If Yes, then it's  bit harder.  You'll need to have patience like Nephi trying to convince his brothers which path is the right path and teach with love and care.  This could last you your entire life.

My husband is a football (American version) fanatic.  Like... super.  I don't like football and I think it's a waste of time and money especially when NFL season starts and I have to compete with the darned game for his attention.  But yeah, I decided that's not a battle I want to put a flag on.  So he does his football I go sit beside him and read a book or something.  There are things that I do put a flag on.  Like his Monster and "5-hour energy" drinks.  I'm still trying to get him to stop drinking that thing.  So when I come up with some article on those, I send it to him.  He laughs it off.  So then he decided he's going on a diet so I told him Monster makes you fat (I don't know if this is true but hey, anything that's not water can be replaced with water).  So he agreed that everytime he drinks it he will put $1 in my wallet.  Now I'm divided between wanting him to drink just another one so I can have more money or be happy that my wallet is not getting any thicker.

Anyway, the idea is... I respect my husband's individual choice while he respects my choice to nag him about it.  ;)

 

Edited by anatess2
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27 minutes ago, Vort said:

Zero-based counting is a geek thing. Most normal people wouldn't say, "I have 0 brothers, but I don't have any sisters." I mean, come on.

 

13 minutes ago, zil said:

You've got that wrong:

"I have one brother, brother 0, his name is George, but I don't have any sisters."

or

"George is brother 0 - he's the only one - but I have no sisters."

...in other words, numbering starts at zero, but referencing the count is normal.  Thus, the first is in position zero, the second is in position one, etc.  If you have a baker's dozen, you have 13, but they are numbered/labeled 0 through 12.

 

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1. How you and your spouse resolve this issue, is a predictor of how you guys will resolve the next gazillion issues.  If you end up bent out of shape, or with maybe the tiniest bit of resentment, or you think maybe someday she'll be smart enough to see it her way, or you are quietly mad, or something like that, multiply that by a gazillion and that's where you'll be in 2 years.   If one of you does something that ends up with mutual respect, tolerance, growth, etc, multiply that by half a gazillion, and there you go.  (You only get half when it goes well, because there will always be unresolveable differences. 

2. We base the calendar on Christ's death.  And for a full 12 months after it, it wasn't year one yet.

Edited by NeuroTypical
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Perhaps she has a less cautious personality and you're more careful.  Even if she stopped tanning you'll be tempted to be annoyed at other decisions and patterns over the years.  People are different and it takes maturity and some growth to learn to get along with and love your spouse.

Ask yourself these questions. Why is she tanning?  Why does tanning bother you?  Is it that she's doing something dangerous and reckless (and you love her so this bothers you)?  Or is it because you don't want to be stuck with a cancerous wife in X years?  Are you personally ready for a commitment to love and support her through severe trials whatever they may be?

There's some good advice in a verse that stood out to me recently.  1 Nephi 15:11 says, "Do ye not remember the things which the Lord hath said?—If ye will not harden your hearts, and ask me in faith, believing that ye shall receive, with diligence in keeping my commandments, surely these things shall be made known unto you."

What caught my attention recently is the phrase "with diligence in keeping my commandments".  I think that very much applies to someone approaching marriage.  The more you're living right, the more you'll A) be prepared for marriage and B) be able to receive divine guidance to navigate your situation.

Edited by Rhoades
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On 01/12/2017 at 10:37 AM, Nick0123 said:

I have been dating this girl for awhile now. I have bought a ring and everything and we are deeply in love. There is one thing that has come up a couple of times that has been a source of contention. We always get over it but I just want some advice about what I should do. Okay so we will call her Susie. Susie loves to go tanning. I know it seems harmless to her. However I have read the statistics and just how dangerous indoor tanning actually is. Increased chance of melanoma by 75%. I expressed this concern in the nicest way I knew how but she did not like what I said. She reassures me that she will not get skin cancer but I dont know how she could know this. I just want her to be around when we have kids and not laid up in the hospital or recovering from skin cancer. Anways any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!!

Seems to me as if this is more a problem for your health insurance provider to worry about than you. I'd be inclined to let it go. I wouldn't want to stop my wife from doing something she loves, in fact I'm happy when she does things she enjoys because I like seeing that she's happy. 

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On 11/30/2017 at 5:37 PM, Nick0123 said:

Increased chance of melanoma by 75%. 

Tanning brings her lifetime risk up from 2.5% to 4.3%, assuming she has very fair skin and the 75% statistic is accurate.  86% of people overall with Melanoma survive (this includes late diagnoses).  So really, her tanning will increase her chances of dying of melanoma by 0.2%, statistically (1.8% x 13%).  In other words, by tanning she has increased her chance of dying of melanoma by a full one in five hundred chance.

If I were you, I am not sure I would even bring this up.  Save your goodwill points for a fight that is actually worth having . . . 

Edited by DoctorLemon
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On 11/30/2017 at 5:37 PM, Nick0123 said:

Susie loves to go tanning.

Save your money and just go buy a saddle instead.  A well used one, because that's what she's going to look like by 40.  On the plus side, the saddle won't ever look much worse if you care for it properly, (which is much less effort than a vain woman) and it won't argue with you...and it'll stay just as firm as the day you got it.

Edited by NightSG
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4 hours ago, Latter-Day Marriage said:

3.  Don't say "I told you so' later on.

 

We threw this rule out before my husband and I got married.  It's like... upping the ante.  If nothing else, we listen to each other because we want to minimize the chance of giving the other "I told you so chips".  ;)  We like to use our chips to rub it in, troll-like.  Lovingly, of course.

Yea, if this was my husband and I and he's been telling me about tanning beds and I didn't listen and I end up with melanoma... Manoman.  I'd be hearing the... remember when I told you about them tanning beds... every time I whine about, say, getting chemo.  Yep.  That would be how it would roll in my house.  :)

 

 

Edited by anatess2
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4 hours ago, anatess2 said:

We threw this rule out before my husband and I got married.  It's like... upping the ante.  If nothing else, we listen to each other because we want to minimize the chance of giving the other "I told you so chips".  ;)  We like to use our chips to rub it in, troll-like.  Lovingly, of course.

Yea, if this was my husband and I and he's been telling me about tanning beds and I didn't listen and I end up with melanoma... Manoman.  I'd be hearing the... remember when I told you about them tanning beds... every time I whine about, say, getting chemo.  Yep.  That would be how it would roll in my house.  :)

I agree with this.  If OP’s lady friend reserves the right to completely disregard what he says, and then engage in a course of action that creates major burdens for him as well as her, and then expects him not even to lovingly say, at some point, “honey, this is why I hoped you wouldn’t do that; and I hope going forward we can take each other’s opinions a little more seriously”—

—then the OP needs to run away.  She doesn’t want a partner; she wants a doormat who will clean up her messes in perpetuity. 

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On 12/1/2017 at 6:56 PM, askandanswer said:

Tanning machines have been banned by government regulation in commercial establishments in Australia for health reasons. I can't remember if its a national ban or just this state.

Must be just your state, I'm in QLD and they are everywhere.  They are terrible for you, hopefully QLD follows your states example.  

 

@Nick0123 I hope she at least wears 50+ while in the tanning bed?  Maybe she could start wearing it in the tanning bed for you? Might be the best compromise for now.   It's a terrible example for any children you might have.  I don't think you are overreacting, hopefully she gives it up, or at least trades it in for spray tanning - maybe you could buy her a spray tanning set up as a present?

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5 hours ago, Blossom76 said:

buy her a spray tanning set up as a present?

Or tell her you think pale skin is sexy. ;) Seriously, I do not comprehend the thought process that leads one to intentionally do something which has no purpose except to darken the skin God gave you.

Baffledly yours,

Zil

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