Separation, emotional neglect, dating

[Lovinghumility]

Hi all- 

hoping for some advice and I'll start with background info- I'm a new member that has struggled with the WOW and investigated the church when I met my BF(now husband) -When we met my husband also struggled with WOW and was a somewhat-repentant struggling RM. Basically I got baptized a year later and then we got civilly married. Once we were married it was hard, because my husband has been breaking the WOW while I was preparing for my baptism. So our problems stemmed from basically falling in love when neither of us were temple worthy. When we first started dating I was not a member and wanted to have sex with him, he caved in soon-so he had to repent for that and we stopped for awhile before we got married so he could Get back his priesthood. (Didn't have it before me for a little while-either) I didnt know about temple covenants and the importance of the law of chastity, WoW and the PH until I really started investigating before I got baptized. 

Flash forward and we have been married and we're both breaking the WOW for some time. Basically my husband  is a good guy with a tough background and I'm also here as a result of difficult circumstances- but I just really really struggled. At the beginning of the year my husband started talking to his ex gf a lot because she broke the law of chastity and wanted a friend. But he had just finally started to clean up his act with the wOW and was waiting for me to do that too.. I've never been to the temple or gotten my blessing because I was just too sad and focused on our problems -didn't know to use the gospel to help us. And I think he was really depressed. 

 

Basically they started talking all the time and I found her to be fantasizing about my husband, literally. And meanwhile he wanted a divorce-but Didnt begin the process because he didn't have enough money to move out and his own car at the time. Blah. So I'm really being neglected at this point, ignoring all the guys that want my attention and I'm just having faith things will work out. He wasn't perfect but was expecting me to change instantly when I've already changed so much. The church IS for me and I'm a completely different person now- but obviously have a lot to do to improve my life. My husband is always mad, unhappy with me etc but uses me financially. I was too quiet about our problems in the beginning of our marriage, and now that he was really not approving of me, it was a little late to change his thinking about what he wanted. So he moves out on me finally before our one year anniversary and we keep fighting. he still needs me to take him to work, meanhwile he's emotionally invested in his ex gf and he repentance process trying to "help her" - but she as trying to visit him from out of state- coming to literally visit him only, and started telling him about her high sex drive and crap. Mind you- this girl is completely irrelevant to me, not cute and a total loser wanting attention- but I started to feel really angry that he was liking all her attention- since I was always focused on what I was doing wrong and not what he was doing to make things harder. So a few months ago I've been starting to move and I'm now out of state. I am here trying to get some space and hell myself by saving money. I visited him a few times and it's been good when I first arrive-  but the closer I get To leaving town- he starts showing disapproval and how much he wants things to be over. I'm on a rollercoaster in our marriage. Always holding hope until recently- but now I'm mad I didn't just get an annulment. I love him more than anyone in the world and wanted to be sealed. It just has been tough for me as a new member never having the PH in our house and seeing how he handled things. I definitely should've just kept my baptismal covenants... but here is where my question lies. 

About 3 months ago (he moved out before this) I was visiting him, and was raped by a stranger. Long story but in the end, my husband ignored me and didn't talk to me for a month after that because of our marriage problems. He blocked me on Facebook too. That really hurt. Then he finally called me saying he had been praying, I went and saw him for 2 months and helped him with $$ and everything, but a few weeks ago when I was about to leave again, he started to be a jerk and saying he doesn't want to be married. I get out of town to where I'm staying and AGAIN he started ignoring me, going as far on thanksgiving to block me again on Facebook and then block me on the phone because I was telling him let's get this divorce- I don't want to be married to someone that doesn't know how to love uncondiontially when he makes mistakes and bad choices too. 

 

 

Basically im at a point now where I feel so far away from him and have no hope. We aren't in the divorce process yet because he's broke! So I'm stuck in this marriage and just decided last week to start hanging out with some guys and getting to know other people. But this guy ended up kissing me the other day and I'm really frustrated because I know I should have just been more careful and avoided being alone with anyone again. esoecially after having an adult male stranger sexually assault me months ago.. 

but I just wish that I had avoided that situation because even though nothing really happened I can feel that I don't want to be in that position again. I'm meeting with my bishop tonight. But I'd appreciate any insights into my situation and what to do. I want to stay married to my husband but he's just unhappy with himself so we aren't even talking. I feel alone and need to turn to God and get myself to the temple but it's definitely hard and I feel guilty for allowing myself to try hanging out with members of the opposite sex and not preventing an advance on me. I know from here I won't be spending any time with any men anymore, but I could use any advice and thoughts in this subject matter. Our separation has been going on for almost a year now but obviously there have been periods of trying to work on things and we have only been living separately for 6-7 months. Sorry for such a long story but this is hard- I love God and I just want a better relationship with him and myself. But don't know what to do about my marriage anymore. Stay strong and have more patience or push for the divorce to happen faster? Thank you for any input. 

[Jane_Doe]

Couple of disjointed thoughts here--

-- My heart goes out to you about the assault.  i've been there too and it HURTS.  And no, no matter what you did, it is is NO way your fault.

-- In regards to your marriage: it strikes me that you two didn't really talk about things like finances, holding jobs, getting a good communication foundation, etc.  These are all essential things for a successful marriage.  Now, if you two want to save your marriage, you still can.  But you NEED to get both of your butts into marriage counseling to work on getting those foundational things in place.   

[Sunday21]

Dear @Lovinghumility. I am so sorry that these things happened. Could you go and talk to your bishop? You could ask about lds counselling. Good luck!

[Bad Karma]

OP,

 

Well, you could, if you feel like it, invite your husband to go with you to see the bishop together.  I don't know where that will lead, I just know that once you both give up, you're right, there is no hope.  So, don't give up, at least not yet, I mean, hey, it's your marriage. 

[JohnsonJones]

This sounds very hard, and far beyond anything I could truly advise you on.  Others have wisely said things already.  I can only say is that I too would say if you can see a counselor, see a marriage counselor.  You probably have already been praying very hard, but that's the only other thing I could advise you to do.

I am so sorry you are going through these hardships

Edited December 7, 2017 by JohnsonJones

[anatess2]

I have only one advice - 

Get yourself to a healthy state - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Don't worry about your husband right now.  Don't worry about divorce or Facebook.  Just worry about yourself.  

Dating or getting into positions where you end up hooking up with a guy is going the opposite of getting yourself to a healthy state.  It doesn't have to be hard.  Just focus on one small step at a time and take everything else out.  For example, if you want to focus on spiritual health first, then commit to praying honestly, diligently, sincerely, humbly every single day.  Do that.  Then when you feel like you're ready for more, then commit to reading the scriptures daily, etc.  Then for physically, commit to avoiding coffee (if you drink it) or avoiding cigarettes (if you do that), etc.  Then do an exercise program or zumba class or something. Then emotionally - focus on service.  There's the light the world project that's going on right now.  Focus on that. 

Just one little step at a time focused on getting yourself to a better state of mind.  Put everything else on the back burner for now.  Comfort and joy will come to you from the Spirit and from your self-satisfaction through service.  You will not need to seek it from other guys nor your husband.

And yes, if it is at all possible, see a professional counselor.

Edited December 7, 2017 by anatess2

[CarolynTFrank]

You need to be happy in a relationship. My sister divorced her partner after she could not stay with him. This was a helpful site for her to know about a lawyer who helped her with the divorce. If a person is unable to deal with relationship, it is better to get out of it. I am sorry that all these things happened to you. Everything will sort out soon. Have faith.

Edited December 14, 2017 by CarolynTFrank

[Lost Boy]

To me this just screams of prolonged emotional abuse.   If you have no kids and no sealing...  I would probably cut ties and move on.  It sound like neither of you were quite ready to be married when you did.   You may want to try marriage counselling first, but my guess is your husband has many personal issues that need to be worked through and you may have some too, and the two of you together seems rather toxic.