Accepting,forgiving,forgetting boyfriends past


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Hello..

I have been dating this guy I am really n love with for about 18months now.

When we met(april2016) he told me within a day of us starting to date that he has been engaged before, and told me details of experiences he had with his ex(this was the first blow)and he went on to say he had more to tell me but that will be revealed in time.

One day we were talking about sex before marriage after reading one of the general conference talks on sexual purity and he confessed that he and his then fiancee had had sex. I asked if it was a one time experience and he said no..many times.This was done while they were both members of the church and had long been baptised. And he said they thought they will be married. 

I thought I was ok with it.i was really trying to be "Christlike"..who was I to judge someone for their sins?

.so i brushed it off. But the thing that made it worse is he told me about the sexual experiences; his first sexual experience with his first girl and his second and even went on to show me his ex fiancee picture. All that information together with the experiences they shared together just blew create deep roots. Once again I brushed it off..who was I to judge.

I think thats what haunted me the most. The fact that i know too much. I wish I would have stopped him from telling me too much information.now it' all stuck in my head..and even when we do talk about a future together I am happy..but after a while..it doesn' seem special. All those images come to my head.

I feel like so many parts of him have been taken already.. he has had sex in the past and he has been engaged to another girl and even had sex with her multiple of times.

I know it seems childish but it' really haunting me. I used to be bring it up..but I realised talking about it only make it worse and he can' change his past. 

Aniway I came to university abroad (October 2016) and he went on his mission.(Jan 2017)

I love him very much but a huge part of me is uncertan if il ever fully forget. I feel like if we do get married..when he kneels down to engage...how will my time be special? Il just be another girl in the list

 

And he used to talk about how his ex fiance "had very good sexual experience"..and i guess that why they had sex multiple times because she pleases him sexually.

But I truly love him and he is a good guy. He is kind.

A part of me feels like I should let go and try date other guys..and huge part of me says I have to learn to forgive..and accept.

Because I do realise even in marriage ones spouse can hurt or offend without intention..a part of me feels like if I can't accept something he did before he met me..how will I forgive in marriage

He also confessed to using pornography in the past.

Sometimes all this just seems like too much baggage.too much!...

I know I'm not perfect.. it' not like iv never sinned.but I never imagined falling in love with someone like him.its really difficult. It's a totally different scene when it's you involved.

And often times I feel angry at him.. 

I feel angry because i am being haunted and I am suffering for things he did..not me. 

 

Does time heal such Things?

Am I prideful for being haunted by such?

Will I ever be ok with ALL OF HIM?

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21 minutes ago, Hername said:

But I truly love him and he is a good guy. He is kind.

A part of me feels like I should let go and try date other guys..and huge part of me says I have to learn to forgive..and accept.

A “good guy”—well, a marriageable one, anyways— wouldn’t have burdened you this extensively.  I mean, there’s a time and place to say “I’ve had chastity issues”; but one doesn’t get into detail, or show the former partner’s picture to a later partner, or talk about how sexually pleasing the former partner was; unless one is either a woefully clueless little boy, or a smug player trying to mess with your head.  I get a vibe from you that he isn’t all that contrite about what he’s done.

Whether I’m right or wrong about the above, you are not a bad person if you show him the door.  This isn’t anywhere in the same ballpark as “will-I-be-able-to-let-it-go-if-he-bounces-a-check” or “will-I-flip-out-if-he-forgets-to-empty-the-garbage”.  He had sex, in violation of his covenants.  Repeatedly.  And he succeeded in doing that, apparently, in part by making a false promise of marriage to some other girl.  That is a Big Deal.  More power to you, if you can move past it—but a lot of women just can’t; and that’s OK; there’s nothing “childish” about holding out for a husband whose history confirms that he knows how to keep covenants.

Moreover, you can forgive someone without marrying them—and if he suggests otherwise, that just goes to show what a manipulative dirtbag he is.  There’s nothing Christlike about letting some guy guilt you into sharing his bed. 

(Just my two cents.  Welcome to the forum, by the way.)

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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I basically agree with JAG, and I more or less echo his sentiments, without the bitter edge. I believe that your boyfriend may indeed be a decent, kind person who walked several steps (or maybe half a mile) down a path that he now regrets. I don't necessarily think him an egoist, a manipulator, or a jerk for detailing his sexual past, including how much his former girlfriend pleased him sexually. As JAG suggested, that may just be immaturity, the type where you fail to take into account the feelings of the person you're talking to. Your boyfriend has a great deal of growing up to do, but we may assume that he will probably do just that.

The bottom line is this: You do not owe it to him to marry him. You do not have to prove your non-judgmentalness by marrying him in spite of your feelings of betrayal. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO DECLINE TO MARRY WHOMEVER YOU DECIDE NOT TO MARRY, FOR WHATEVER REASON YOU DEEM SUFFICIENT. Maybe you don't like his haircut or his body odor. Maybe you think he's too short or has too much acne. Maybe you don't like his skin tone, his accent, or how he always says things like, "Me and my buddy went fishing." It does not matter how trivial or stupid your reasons are. YOU get to decide whom you marry and whom you don't marry.

And for the record, sister: Deciding not to marry him because he fornicated before meeting you and he doesn't seem particularly contrite about it does not strike me as either overly judgmental or beyond the pale. If you can legitimately refuse to marry a guy because he's bald or Hispanic or bearded or too tall or green-eyed or left-handed, you can legitimately refuse to marry him because his sexual past doesn't jibe with your own desires or standards.

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1 hour ago, Hername said:

Hello..

I have been dating this guy I am really n love with for about 18months now.

When we met(april2016) he told me within a day of us starting to date that he has been engaged before, and told me details of experiences he had with his ex(this was the first blow)and he went on to say he had more to tell me but that will be revealed in time.

One day we were talking about sex before marriage after reading one of the general conference talks on sexual purity and he confessed that he and his then fiancee had had sex. I asked if it was a one time experience and he said no..many times.This was done while they were both members of the church and had long been baptised. And he said they thought they will be married. 

I thought I was ok with it.i was really trying to be "Christlike"..who was I to judge someone for their sins?

.so i brushed it off. But the thing that made it worse is he told me about the sexual experiences; his first sexual experience with his first girl and his second and even went on to show me his ex fiancee picture. All that information together with the experiences they shared together just blew create deep roots. Once again I brushed it off..who was I to judge.

I think thats what haunted me the most. The fact that i know too much. I wish I would have stopped him from telling me too much information.now it' all stuck in my head..and even when we do talk about a future together I am happy..but after a while..it doesn' seem special. All those images come to my head.

I feel like so many parts of him have been taken already.. he has had sex in the past and he has been engaged to another girl and even had sex with her multiple of times.

I know it seems childish but it' really haunting me. I used to be bring it up..but I realised talking about it only make it worse and he can' change his past. 

Aniway I came to university abroad (October 2016) and he went on his mission.(Jan 2017)

I love him very much but a huge part of me is uncertan if il ever fully forget. I feel like if we do get married..when he kneels down to engage...how will my time be special? Il just be another girl in the list

 

And he used to talk about how his ex fiance "had very good sexual experience"..and i guess that why they had sex multiple times because she pleases him sexually.

But I truly love him and he is a good guy. He is kind.

A part of me feels like I should let go and try date other guys..and huge part of me says I have to learn to forgive..and accept.

Because I do realise even in marriage ones spouse can hurt or offend without intention..a part of me feels like if I can't accept something he did before he met me..how will I forgive in marriage

He also confessed to using pornography in the past.

Sometimes all this just seems like too much baggage.too much!...

I know I'm not perfect.. it' not like iv never sinned.but I never imagined falling in love with someone like him.its really difficult. It's a totally different scene when it's you involved.

And often times I feel angry at him.. 

I feel angry because i am being haunted and I am suffering for things he did..not me. 

 

Does time heal such Things?

Am I prideful for being haunted by such?

Will I ever be ok with ALL OF HIM?

How on EARTH was this guy able to go on a mission, having committed fornication over and over and over again?  Has this guy confessed his sins to his bishop and repented?

Whether they admit it or not, everyone has their limits regarding how much sinful behavior they are willing to tolerate in a potential spouse's past.  At some point, things simply get too gross.

I don't think anyone would think less of you if you ditched this guy for his past of sleeping around.  I am sorry, but this guy has apparently broken the law of chastity with a whole bunch of different women, over and over again, while baptized, and on top of that has been hardly forthcoming now that he is in a serious relationship.  This qualifies to me as being pretty gross, and I think if I were dating a woman with such history I would probably come to the conclusion the relationship was unworkable.

Whatever you do, decide now if you want to live with this (and you will probably always feel a little bit of pain regarding his past if you proceed) or if you want to break it off.  If you do break it off, you are within your rights, and you will meet plenty of other kind men in the Church.

Edited by DoctorLemon
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I'm just gonna address this one:  "Who am I to judge?"

You sorely misunderstood this teaching.  We are not to judge a person condemned but We are taught since Primary Sunday School to Choose The Right.  Choosing the Right requires Judgment.  Therefore, no, you can't judge a person as someone fit for the fires of hell but you SHOULD and HAVE TO JUDGE if such a person is good for you to marry.

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1 hour ago, Hername said:

I have been dating this guy I am really n love with for about 18months now.

A part of me feels like I should let go and try date other guys..

Correct that you are only dating this guy, not engaged?
Why can't you date other people if you are not engaged. Are you declared exclusive?
He knows how to propose since he was engaged before. Just curious, why aren't you engaged after 18 months of being in love?

 


 

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32 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

How on EARTH was this guy able to go on a mission, having committed fornication over and over and over again? 

How was Paul able to go on one of the first missions, after having actively persecuted the early Christians over and over again?

Could it be that some of that stuff in Isaiah 43 is actually true?

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3 minutes ago, NightSG said:

How was Paul able to go on one of the first missions, after having actively persecuted the early Christians over and over again?

Could it be that some of that stuff in Isaiah 43 is actually true?

No, this is actually Church policy - you are not supposed to serve a mission if you have committed fornication habitually, as part of "raising the bar".

Edited by DoctorLemon
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Just now, DoctorLemon said:

No, this is actually Church policy - you are not supposed to serve a mission if you have committed fornication habitually, as part of "raising the bar".

Seems rather inconsistent with remembering your sins no more.  Still, it would also depend on the definition of committing fornication "habitually;" perhaps no amount with a single partner would be considered habitual.

Either way, unless she also knows he lied to his bishop in order to go on his mission, then it seems rather presumptuous to say that what's apparently good enough for the Lord and His Church isn't good enough for her.

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37 minutes ago, NightSG said:

Either way, unless she also knows he lied to his bishop in order to go on his mission, then it seems rather presumptuous to say that what's apparently good enough for the Lord and His Church isn't good enough for her.

?  :blink:

Edited by DoctorLemon
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Drop the 'who am I to judge' stuff, you must make a judgement on if you are OK with marrying him or not.  Being asked to marry somebody requires making a judgement about them.

The question here IMHO is who is he now?  If he has truly repented and changed and become somebody who would not do those kind of things than I don't think it is fair to hold it against him.  If he has not experienced that 'mighty change of heart' that transforms somebody's life then he doesn't sound like a good choice.  You are free to reject a proposal and you don't have to justify it to anybody.  You can say no just because something feels not quite right for reasons you can explain.  He is the one obligated to win you over and resolve any doubts or fears you may have, and if he can't do that, he is not the one.

You need to take it to the Lord and ask him about this guy and where he really stands right now.  I wouldn't assume that because he is serving a mission that it means he had this mighty change.    And don't make this about you.  He didn't know you back then, at least he was not in a relationship with you so he did not cheat on you.  His relationship with her fell apart for whatever reason and perhaps that experience was part of what lead him to you or made him into the person you love.  If you fear you won't compare well to her you need to address your own insecurities. 

Has he spoken of his regret over his past?  Have you seen in his heart that this is something that cause pain and regret and shame in his life?  Are you able to empathize with that pain and regret?  I think it is a very good thing for a couple to come totally clean with each other and get all the skeletons out of the closet before getting married.  He may not have done it in the best way or at the best time but how would feel if he never said anything and then after you are married you find out?

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1 hour ago, DoctorLemon said:

No, this is actually Church policy - you are not supposed to serve a mission if you have committed fornication habitually, as part of "raising the bar".

Is it? I know that certain things disqualify a young man from full-time missionary service, such as homosexual relations, moving in with someone, fatherhood, assisting in procuring an abortion, or marriage. If by "habitually" you mean over a period of many months or years and/or with many different women, I could believe that. All we know from the OP is that the young man in question had sex at least twice with his girlfriend/fiancée. Not sure how we can infer "habitual fornication" from that.

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7 minutes ago, Vort said:

Is it? I know that certain things disqualify a young man from full-time missionary service, such as homosexual relations, moving in with someone, fatherhood, assisting in procuring an abortion, or marriage. If by "habitually" you mean over a period of many months or years and/or with many different women, I could believe that. All we know from the OP is that the young man in question had sex at least twice with his girlfriend/fiancée. Not sure how we can infer "habitual fornication" from that.

I thought I heard that you could go if you did it once and repented, but if you did it over and over again you are out, whatever "over and over again" means.

(The operative words here, of course, are "I thought I heard", so chances are good there is no such rule).

Edited by DoctorLemon
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(Just replying to the OP this, haven't read any responses)

If you BF is repented of his past sins, then the Lord has forgiven him and you need to do so to.  Now it's 100% natural to be upset when you heard things about his past- that's the natural man in each of us.  Have you prayed to Christ for the strength to forgiven your BF as He did?

Now, in regards to the "she was more special than me"-- she is his EX for a reason.  He didn't choose her, he choose you.  YOU are the special girl he's with.  No one else.

3 hours ago, Hername said:

I love him very much but a huge part of me is uncertan if il ever fully forget. I feel like if we do get married..when he kneels down to engage...how will my time be special? Il just be another girl in the list

Not at all.  YOU are special.  Just like it was special the first time he kissed you (if he did it right).  If he choose to marry you he wants to be with you and no one else for eternity-- you and you alone.  It'll be special.  (I was in this exact same boat).

3 hours ago, Hername said:

and huge part of me says I have to learn to forgive..and accept.

Yep, that's what you need to do.  Christ has forgiven him, you should follow suite. 

3 hours ago, Hername said:

I feel angry because i am being haunted and I am suffering for things he did..not me. 

You are suffering because you have not yet forgiven.   Once you forgive, then the hurt stops.

3 hours ago, Hername said:

Does time heal such Things?

Christ heals all things.  Go to Him.

3 hours ago, Hername said:

Will I ever be ok with ALL OF HIM?

If you give all of yourself to him (including your forgiveness) and he gives all of himself to you (and no he's not stained scarlet- he was washed white in Christ's blood).

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I do not think that you should give up 2 years of dating especially at your age. Even if you did agree to wait, waiting for a missionary is unwise. It is highly likely that he will return from his mission and not be interested in continuing the relationship. If you promised to wait, pray about this. A trip to the temple might be very useful. Good luck!

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@NightSG and @DoctorLemon I was curious so I looked it up. Multiple fornications do not disqualify a young man or woman as long as they have fully and completely repented and as long as they don't have any children. Although it may take approval from the First Presidency if it's a case of repeatedly violating the Law of Chastity over a long period of time. I edited this per @zil advice but she has a press relase on the issue.

Edited by Midwest LDS
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@Hername I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position. Really, you know your boyfriend better than any of us. Has he fully repented of his sins? If so, you should forgive him too (although that does not require you to marry him). If not, you should run fast and far. If he has repented fully, then you need to seriously ask yourself if his past will continue to bother you or not. I would do some praying and go to the temple. You are never required to marry a person. If you feel the power of the Holy Ghost confirming your choice , go for it. Remember you can ask for help from our Father in Heaven to overcome any potential fears you may have about his past. If you still feel badly about it after that, I would move on. The choice is yours, but I will pray for you it's a tough one.

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8 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

I thought I heard that you could go if you did it once and repented, but if you did it over and over again you are out, whatever "over and over again" means.

(The operative words here, of course, are "I thought I heard", so chances are good there is no such rule).

FWIW, from this news release: https://www.lds.org/church/news/church-releases-standard-missionary-interview-questions?lang=eng

We find a PDF with the questions, and an appendix which has a "Worthiness" section and the following (pasting since it is publicly available, despite quoting HB1):

Quote

Extended Pattern of Serious Transgressions

“A person who has been promiscuous with several partners or with one partner over an extended period of time in a relationship outside of marriage will not be considered for missionary service. Stake presidents and bishops help these individuals repent and provide them with other meaningful ways to serve the Lord.

“If priesthood leaders believe that unusual circumstances or situations warrant an exception, the stake president may submit a recommendation for the First Presidency to consider. He submits the recommendation through the Missionary Department and includes specific details of the situation and a letter from the candidate describing the nature of his or her repentance. Bishops and stake presidents should not recommend exceptions that are unwarranted or that they do not endorse without reservation” ( Handbook 1: Stake Presidents and Bishops [2010] , 4.5.2).

ETA: There's a lot in that document.  Would be worth reading for anyone concerned about mission preparation.

Edited by zil
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20 minutes ago, Midwest LDS said:

@NightSG and @DoctorLemon I was curious so I looked it up. Multiple fornications do not disqualify a young man or woman as long as they have fully and completely repented and as long as they don't have any children. I edited this per @zil advice but you can find Handbook 1 in the Gospel Library if you are interested about what disqualifies a missionary.

Actually, you can only find HB1 in the Gospel Library if your calling gives you rights to see it - e.g. bishoprics. :)

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