Accepting,forgiving,forgetting boyfriends past


Recommended Posts

12 hours ago, Hername said:

A part of me feels like I should let go and try date other guys..and huge part of me says I have to learn to forgive..and accept.

These two are not mutually exclusive.  Why does forgiving mean you HAVE TO marry him?  They are not linked.

Marriage is difficult enough that you don't want to go into it with known baggage.  This isn't about forgiveness or judging him.  It's about seeing the realities and difficulties of married life.

Also remember that YOU are not the one to forgive him.  He has not trespassed against you.  Just forget about it.  But that doesn't mean you can't go and find another really great guy to marry now -- one that doesn't have the baggage.  Why would you think you're tied into him.  He's not supposed to be engaged while on a mission.  You're not engaged.  Go find someone else.

I got dear John'd (sort of) when I was on my mission.  I survived.  I moved on.  I married the most wonderful woman in the world.  Would I have been happy with the previous girl?  Probably.  But I'm very happy with my life and my wife today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

More thoughts:

- Are you the rebound girl? How much time had passed between the end of his engagement and starting to date you? (you don't need to answer just something to think about) Breaking an engagement should take time to heal (esp when sex was involved) but did he think getting serious again was the solution?

- Do Not Settle!

- Read this and send it to him as well: http://middleagedmormonman.com/home/2013/06/romance-and-mission-prep/ then end this relationship so he can focus on his mission and you start dating other guys.

Edited by my two cents
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, Hername said:

Will I ever be ok with ALL OF HIM?

Just as an aside, there is no such thing as a human being without spot or stain.  Well, there was one, but we killed Him.  We all have flaws and defects and occasionally do wrong things.  People who are ok with all of somebody, have a problem.  

The deal is, how do couples deal with each other when one of them does something the other is not ok with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Midwest LDS said:

@NightSG and @DoctorLemon I was curious so I looked it up. Multiple fornications do not disqualify a young man or woman as long as they have fully and completely repented and as long as they don't have any children. Although it may take approval from the First Presidency if it's a case of repeatedly violating the Law of Chastity over a long period of time. I edited this per @zil advice but she has a press relase on the issue.

You learn something new every day! :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 hours ago, Hername said:

I love him very much but a huge part of me is uncertan if il ever fully forget. I feel like if we do get married..when he kneels down to engage...how will my time be special? Il just be another girl in the list

And he used to talk about how his ex fiance "had very good sexual experience"..and i guess that why they had sex multiple times because she pleases him sexually.

 

He should have never gone into details, as an anonymous person on the internet I would say you need to move on you will never stop thinking about this or comparing yourself to someone you have never met.

15 hours ago, Hername said:

He also confessed to using pornography in the past.

Not sure why he would confess that to you either.  Women don't want to hear about it.

As a small piece of advice if you are looking for a man who has not viewed pornography you are going to have a difficult time.  You need to accept that this is a reality, the real question should be what did they do when they saw it? did they repent and make an effort to not compound the sin or have they developed a problem. If you want to filter guys out of your dating pool you need to ask "do you currently view pornography or have you had a problem with habitual usage of pornography in your past or currently?"

If your criteria is never having viewed porn you will never date anyone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hername,

 

A few things to consider, he has not trespassed against you for you to need to forgive him, your abets of forgiveness is not your place. His BACKGROUND speaks volumes, this IS something to consider when reflecting on the potential for him to behave in a manner along the lines of the very thing you're worried about. Also, consider the potential risk for pressure into pre-marrital sex. It smacks of DANGER.

Of course, he could be a great guy with a checkered past, he may just be so in love with you that he wants to just come clean with you on everything. Don't over think this.

POWER IN NO. There is power in saying no. "No, I will not marry you", "No, I do not feel good about this". Or simply "No"! (To everything)

Ahh, but you love him, that's marvelous. Nothing wrong with that. But I would give this all much thought. We're LDS, we do not give much to long dating periods or engagements, we don't pick up a mate and then browse the market. We're short term dating or engagement types and long haul marriage types. If you consider THAt, it's really healthy.  This is something to consider, it's not the rule, but it's kind of how things roll. 

Prayers is good! Take this whole matter to Heavenly Father, give it to him, wait for the answer.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One of the most misinterpreted passages of scripture is:  “Judge not, that ye be not judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."  -- Matthew 7:1-2  


The Joseph Smith Translation reads:  "Now these are the words which Jesus taught his disciples that they should say unto the people: Judge not unrighteously, that ye be not judged; but judge righteous judgment. For with what judgment ye shall judge, ye shall be judged; and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again."  Matthew 7:1-3

The Inspired Version instructs us to judge righteous judgments. 

Judging if a person is worthy of marrying is a righteous judgment.  It should involve a lot of prayer and fasting in my opinion.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Not sure why he would confess that to you either.  Women don't want to hear about it.

Bishops don't want to hear about it either, but it's better to confess, repent and deal with any consequences up front than have it come up later.

Sounds to me like he was putting all the potential deal breakers out there in enough detail that there shouldn't be a "you never told me about this before you proposed" issue down the road.

It's not first date conversation, but definitely the sort of thing that needs to be discussed openly before marriage, and preferably before a proposal.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd also add that you should work on getting past other people's past.  I've met more than a few women in the mid singles program that couldn't overlook anything at all, and are now in their 30s and 40s, still looking for a virgin (got to be his first) RM with a six figure salary,  and of course he also has to be good looking, because they deserve it all.

One of them is even cute enough that I can't imagine she hasn't passed up some excellent offers in the last couple decades, but now she's looking for something that just doesn't exist.  If he's financially stable, good looking and available at 40, it's because he's divorced, and he's probably going to find himself a 20-something with more realistic expectations.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest MormonGator
1 hour ago, NightSG said:

I'd also add that you should work on getting past other people's past.  I've met more than a few women in the mid singles program that couldn't overlook anything at all, and are now in their 30s and 40s, still looking for a virgin (got to be his first) RM with a six figure salary,  and of course he also has to be good looking, because they deserve it all.

 

Setting impossibly high standards is basically a sure fire way to be single your entire life, that's for sure. You are so right about this.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, NightSG said:

I'd also add that you should work on getting past other people's past.  I've met more than a few women in the mid singles program that couldn't overlook anything at all, and are now in their 30s and 40s, still looking for a virgin (got to be his first) RM with a six figure salary,  and of course he also has to be good looking, because they deserve it all.

One of them is even cute enough that I can't imagine she hasn't passed up some excellent offers in the last couple decades, but now she's looking for something that just doesn't exist.  If he's financially stable, good looking and available at 40, it's because he's divorced, and he's probably going to find himself a 20-something with more realistic expectations.

Night,

When you're right.  You're right.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Speaking from experience, (I married a divorced man), who has told me everything in detail, plus I accidentally viewed a “naughty” video he and his ex had filmed together, it has created some definite problems in our relationship.  If I knew then what I know now, I would have never married my husband. I was naive in thinking his past wouldn’t encroach into our relationship.  Of course it did.  He already knew his preferences in the physical department.  For his part, there was no learning curve.  He already knew what he liked.  If his past bothers you, there is a good chance it will bother you even more after you marry him.  I would not marry him if you have those concerns.  Fortunately, my husband loves me very much which helps the situation, but it has not erased the emotional pain.

With that said, if he is repentant and truly, truly, loves you, and puts you first, you could still have a great marriage.  I would take the matter in prayer to your Heavenly Father.  He will direct you.

Edited by classylady
Link to comment
Share on other sites

 It sounds to me, from the OP, that this guy, talking about his enjoyment of sexual experiences, was talking about something of which he had fond memories. This would be a HUGE red flag and probably a deal breaker for me. I would think that a truly repentant person would come to view their previous fornication as the worst ever moment of their life, and with no thought whatsoever of enjoyment and how good it was. I understand that you feel that you love him, but I think you need to take into account that there are probably many, many guys you are yet to meet that you could love. 

Edited by askandanswer
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I agree with those statements above that forgiving does not mean you have to marry him.  I had a situation in the past where I was dating someone, who had a problem with honesty.  It wasn't the same thing as you are experiencing, but I remember feeling like somehow, I  felt responsible  for the pain he would feel if I broke things off with him and that I would be being unChrist-like.  Even though I had considered myself to be mature enough after my mission, to know what was best for me, and began dating him after my mission, I feel into a kind of an emotional "trap"  where I felt like I "owed" him something, since I had agreed to date him.  He wanted to marry me, and I knew it wouldn't be a good idea.  This was not what I had envisioned for myself.  I knew that I wouldn't marry a perfect person (my wonderful spouse that I have now  and I know that we are not perfect, but we know that we are right for each other) But I had to really pray, and remind myself that I did not have to marry him.  This guy had told me he didn't know what he would do, if I didn't marry him.  Perhaps unintentionally, he was creating a stress for me, I was allowing it, at first, and thinking I was responsible for his happiness.  I had to remember that I am not the one that has to be everything for him.  That is the Savior's role.  I was off the hook.  I didn't have to feel guilty.  I didn't have to feel like I owed him anything.  I needed to be kind, but I could let go with a clear conscience.  I didn't have to worry and fret about, would he repent and be totally honest or not?  I knew I couldn't feel peace if I kept dating him.  My mission taught me so much about peace and living the Gospel.  I already lived the Gospel prior, but I realized, that it wasn't fair to me, or him, for me to have continuous doubts about him and it wouldn't help a marriage be moving the way it should.  And what about any  children?  How would they learn and grow in the Gospel  in an environment like that?  Is that what I was willing to settle for? Would he really repent and not just be doing it for me, but because he had a  testimony?  Before you are married, you have  a choice.  Once you are married, you really can't get out of things so easily.  I did not marry that guy, I was able to tell him, with Christ backing me up, that I appreciated our time we had spent, but I felt it would not be best for either of us to continue on in the relationship.  I was sorry that it hurt him, and it hurt me somewhat too, but I had already been able to feel that peace, and really, I didn't like him as much after the honesty problems.  You have a right to have a clean, pure spouse.  A spouse that you can trust, will be faithful to you, and not hurt you.  Of course, no one is perfect, but I think this man could have been more sensitive in how he shared his past with you.  If you do not feel peace with the decision to stay in a relationship with him, or your not sure, you may find opening up to get to know other friends, dating others, not waiting, praying and being fully immersed in your life, in what you want, and achieving your goals, may help make the answer more clearer, more reassuring for you, and who knows, there may be someone out there, that you may find makes you feel good about yourself and doesn't have something in their past that may tear you apart and make you wonder from time to time, when you are married and have so many other responsibilities that that is the least thing you want to have to be dealing with.  We are all human.  It is only natural that you would worry about this kind of a thing.  If it were me, I know it would bother me too.  May the Lord bless you, comfort you, strenghthen you and guide you, and it will all end up all right.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...
On 1/2/2018 at 9:28 AM, mrmarklin said:

It seems like you are uncomfortable with this guys past.  

Thats unlikely to change. Find another person to marry. 

You are both very young and there are plenty of fish in the sea.

My biggest red flag is that he told her a lot of this stuff within the first 24 hours of getting to know each other. Major boundary concerns and not a healthy start to a relationship

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
 Share