What should someone search when looking for a wife?


SMARTchaser
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6 hours ago, SMARTchaser said:

i just finished high school and i am preparing for a lot of exams, to tell you the truth, getting a girlfriend now would trouble me a lot, but my main goal is to know what kind of woman i want to marry, i dont need to get a girlfriend right away, the thing is that for me marriage is something very hard, before i got to know the church i didn't want to get married actually, the idea of staying alone sounded great to me, now i am getting used to the idea of getting married although i already have 3 years of baptism.

Then stay true to yourself and stay single, it will happen when its supposed to, this is a very important time in your life, exams are more important right now than a girlfriend.

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36 minutes ago, Blossom76 said:

Then stay true to yourself and stay single, it will happen when its supposed to, this is a very important time in your life, exams are more important right now than a girlfriend.

lets add this question, the mission is a commandment, but the respect to the the family and parents are also a commandment, now, if my parents dont want me to serve a mission and i decide to serve anyway, would i be breaking a commandment to fullfill another?

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2 hours ago, SMARTchaser said:

lets add this question, the mission is a commandment, but the respect to the the family and parents are also a commandment, now, if my parents dont want me to serve a mission and i decide to serve anyway, would i be breaking a commandment to fullfill another?

This sometimes happens, two commands conflicting in a person's life.  When it does, you need to study it out, make a decision, and go to the Lord and ask if you've made the right decision.  As long as you are willing to receive the answer no matter what it is - yes, no, wait a while, or whatever - the Lord will answer you.  (I find that being willing to receive any answer, rather than the one I want, or the one I expect, is the hardest part of this - you may not have the same struggle. :) )

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2 hours ago, SMARTchaser said:

lets add this question, the mission is a commandment, but the respect to the the family and parents are also a commandment, now, if my parents dont want me to serve a mission and i decide to serve anyway, would i be breaking a commandment to fullfill another?

Is that the only way to show respect to your family?

The commandment is to "Honor thy father and they mother..."  How can you bring honor to your parents? By never doing what you feel is right just because they say so?  If you live an honorable life, and give credit to your parents who raised you to choose the honorable thing, then you are honoring your parents.

Yes, a mission is a commandment.  Unless you have some pressing reason like physical or mental limitations or financial issues that you cannot work around, etc., then you need to obey the commandment.  Spend some time talking with your bishop about your concerns on this matter.  If he agrees that a mission may not be for you, then just be the best Latter-day Saint you can possibly be -- with or without a mission.

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On 12/31/2017 at 10:01 PM, Carborendum said:

Is that the only way to show respect to your family?

The commandment is to "Honor thy father and they mother..."  How can you bring honor to your parents? By never doing what you feel is right just because they say so?  If you live an honorable life, and give credit to your parents who raised you to choose the honorable thing, then you are honoring your parents.

Yes, a mission is a commandment.  Unless you have some pressing reason like physical or mental limitations or financial issues that you cannot work around, etc., then you need to obey the commandment.  Spend some time talking with your bishop about your concerns on this matter.  If he agrees that a mission may not be for you, then just be the best Latter-day Saint you can possibly be -- with or without a mission.

health is one of the reasons they wouldn't let me go, i have vitiligo ( same disease that michael jackson had) it basically doesn't allow me to take sun, i have to always be protected by sunblocks, but i'm shure i can still serve with that, although the physicians says that they do not recommend working in the sun, but i have never had any problems when i use sunblocks. i will surely speak to the bishop, thanks.

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@SMARTchaser, Ola bom dia!  No, I don't know portuguese.  I looked that up on google translate.  LOL.

 

Here's my 2 cents.  Your very first task is to understand what LOVE means. 

You said in your opening post that you're afraid you're just going to "fall in love" with anyone.  How do you define Love?  When I hear somebody say "fall in love" it makes me think that he stubbed his toe and fell in love.  Like it's an uncontrollable event or accident or something.  Is that what you call Love?  The uncontrollable urge is LUST - the mortal body's physical reactions that guarantee the survival of the human species.  That's not Love.  Love is a spiritual emotion triggered by a DECISION (agency).  So one doesn't really just "Fall in Love" (although it can seem that way), one "Decides to Love".  Now, what is Love in Christian definition?  Jesus taught us that the commandments are all subsets of 2 great commandments which are - 1.)  Love God, 2.)  Love others as yourself.  What does Love mean there?  Love is that all-encompassing desire to bring ourselves and others to the fullness of JOY.  JOY is found in CHRIST.  The more we are Christ-like, the more we are closer to Joy.  Therefore, simply put, Love is that all-encompassing eternal desire to bring someone with us closer to Christ.

So, who should you marry?  That's a simple answer on the surface.  Marry the person who you decide to spend the entirety of the rest of your life on your journey closer to Christ.  Or, marry the person you Decide to Love.  It is simple on the surface because the entire decision is under your control - you find a girl then, with your free agency, decide to Love her.  But, of course, it's not that simple.  The girl has her own free agency.  She may not like you.  She may not want to get closer to Christ.  She may want to get closer to Christ but not in the same manner you think is how to get closer to Christ.  She may want to get closer to Christ now and 10 years later decide she doesn't want to anymore.... etc. etc. etc.

So, in making the choice of who to marry, one needs to find the woman who shares your all-encompassing humble desire to seek the truth of the gospel and follow Christ's example.  Then decide to Love her.  For the rest of your life.  No conditions.  So, you might ask yourself - but, what if after 10 years of marriage she decides she hates me and goes off with the mailman?  Well, when you decide to Love her, do you need to say, "I promise to love her unless she goes off with the mailman then I'm not gonna love her anymore"?  If so, then she's not the one.  When you can say, "I promise to love her for all of eternity" - No conditions - then you know you've found the girl.

So, I've been married 20+ years and if I ever wake up tomorrow to find out my husband is a serial killer, I would take my kids and keep them and myself safe, surrender my husband to the cops where he won't be able to commit any more crimes, then I will spend the rest of my life trying to bring him as close to Christ as I can possibly get him even if the only thing I can do is pray everyday that God will have mercy on his soul.  He is my husband and I promise to love him - that is, bring him with me closer to Christ - through eternity.  No conditions.  Because I know in my heart as confirmed by the Holy Spirit that my husband is a good man who loves God.

 

Edited by anatess2
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On 1/2/2018 at 5:04 PM, anatess2 said:

@SMARTchaser, Ola bom dia!  No, I don't know portuguese.  I looked that up on google translate.  LOL.

 

Here's my 2 cents.  Your very first task is to understand what LOVE means. 

You said in your opening post that you're afraid you're just going to "fall in love" with anyone.  How do you define Love?  When I hear somebody say "fall in love" it makes me think that he stubbed his toe and fell in love.  Like it's an uncontrollable event or accident or something.  Is that what you call Love?  The uncontrollable urge is LUST - the mortal body's physical reactions that guarantee the survival of the human species.  That's not Love.  Love is a spiritual emotion triggered by a DECISION (agency).  So one doesn't really just "Fall in Love" (although it can seem that way), one "Decides to Love".  Now, what is Love in Christian definition?  Jesus taught us that the commandments are all subsets of 2 great commandments which are - 1.)  Love God, 2.)  Love others as yourself.  What does Love mean there?  Love is that all-encompassing desire to bring ourselves and others to the fullness of JOY.  JOY is found in CHRIST.  The more we are Christ-like, the more we are closer to Joy.  Therefore, simply put, Love is that all-encompassing eternal desire to bring someone with us closer to Christ.

So, who should you marry?  That's a simple answer on the surface.  Marry the person who you decide to spend the entirety of the rest of your life on your journey closer to Christ.  Or, marry the person you Decide to Love.  It is simple on the surface because the entire decision is under your control - you find a girl then, with your free agency, decide to Love her.  But, of course, it's not that simple.  The girl has her own free agency.  She may not like you.  She may not want to get closer to Christ.  She may want to get closer to Christ but not in the same manner you think is how to get closer to Christ.  She may want to get closer to Christ now and 10 years later decide she doesn't want to anymore.... etc. etc. etc.

So, in making the choice of who to marry, one needs to find the woman who shares your all-encompassing humble desire to seek the truth of the gospel and follow Christ's example.  Then decide to Love her.  For the rest of your life.  No conditions.  So, you might ask yourself - but, what if after 10 years of marriage she decides she hates me and goes off with the mailman?  Well, when you decide to Love her, do you need to say, "I promise to love her unless she goes off with the mailman then I'm not gonna love her anymore"?  If so, then she's not the one.  When you can say, "I promise to love her for all of eternity" - No conditions - then you know you've found the girl.

So, I've been married 20+ years and if I ever wake up tomorrow to find out my husband is a serial killer, I would take my kids and keep them and myself safe, surrender my husband to the cops where he won't be able to commit any more crimes, then I will spend the rest of my life trying to bring him as close to Christ as I can possibly get him even if the only thing I can do is pray everyday that God will have mercy on his soul.  He is my husband and I promise to love him - that is, bring him with me closer to Christ - through eternity.  No conditions.  Because I know in my heart as confirmed by the Holy Spirit that my husband is a good man who loves God.

 

What a lesson !!! this was really helpful, i do realize now that me and most of the people have been confusing love with lust, that's just terrible. i must keep what you taught here for the rest of my life. thanks.

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On 12/30/2017 at 7:36 AM, SMARTchaser said:

So, i'm 18 Years old, i wanted to know what's important to consider someone for marriage. I am really confused, you know that the heart will fall in love with anyone that looks pretty enough, and that's something bad. In the midst of these " pretty enough" which one should I choose, what qualities should I look for?

Most women think and act the same. Marry the best looking one. 

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2 hours ago, mrmarklin said:

Most women think and act the same. Marry the best looking one. 

2 hours ago, zil said:

Yes we're all mindless, personality-less shells, so of course, it's best to go with the best-built shell.

Hah! 

BSF, I think we can all agree that men are attracted to beautiful women.  I think we can all agree that women enjoy being called "pretty."  I don't think there's anything wrong with either one.  It's important, however, that this is not the ONLY thing.

When I met my the soon-to-be Mrs. Carb, I absolutely know it was love at first sight.  And guess what?  I knew NOTHING about her personality.  I was absolutely dumbfounded at her physical beauty.  That was what caught my attention beyond anything else.

But it only got me to the point of wanting to get to know her.  As I pursued her, I did get to know her.  Little by little, I kept liking everything I was learning about her. 

The thing that finally did it was when we shared our quotes with each other.  I had in my life collected quotes and kept them in a binder.  I decided one day that I wanted to share that book with her.  After we discussed a couple pages together, she excused herself for a minute. She came back with her own binder and it was full of quotes.  I realized I'd found a soul mate when I noticed 1) We oo'd and ah'd at the same quotes.  And 2) Most of our quotes were the same.  We realized that we had the same values.  We were amazed at the same ideas.  We were touched by the same sentiments. 

Since we'd both been building up our notebooks for years, it was not something that could be faked.

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On 12/30/2017 at 10:36 AM, SMARTchaser said:

So, i'm 18 Years old, i wanted to know what's important to consider someone for marriage. I am really confused, you know that the heart will fall in love with anyone that looks pretty enough, and that's something bad. In the midst of these " pretty enough" which one should I choose, what qualities should I look for?

Looks like it's time to bring back my signature.

Quote

This is why we need arranged marriages.

 

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11 hours ago, mrmarklin said:

Most women think and act the same. Marry the best looking one.

Everybody who frequents these forums knows that @anatess2, @zil, @Sunday21, @seashmore, @Jane_Doe, and I are pretty much interchangeable in our responses.

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You have received some good advice in this thread.  There have been two different questions and I'll give my slant on them.

1.  On finding a wife.

I was VERY LUCKY.  I found a gorgeous blonde that was one of the most beautiful women in the world.  I was smitten with her.  I wish I could say I married because she was a terrific person, but that would not be completely true.  One of the reasons I married her was because she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever met.  She was one I could honestly say to her...you are the most beautiful woman in the world and be completely honest about it.

But that is NOT why I was lucky.  In fact, I would tell anyone that marrying for that reason is absolutely one hundred percent stupid.  If you marry for that reason, with today's society, you may already be setting yourself up for divorce unless you get as lucky as I did.

I got VERY lucky (like winning the lottery type lucky).  My wife came from a home where humility and understanding were upheld.  She came from a mother who had unconditional love for her children and husband and passed that quality onto her daughter.  My wife had a firm commitment to gospel taught in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints.  This means she has a great understanding when I goof up.  She has a great commitment to me, even when I am not acting my best.  She has greater and better morals than I do.  I love John Wayne movies, but she will be the first to inspire me when they may be a tad too violent, inspiring me to watch more church oriented media and spend more time reading scriptures and books by General Authorities and LDS writers than I do with my old westerns (Louis L'amour, Zane Grey...etc). 

I not only married someone who was beautiful, I married up in someone who was more spiritual than I. 

I would say the ideas of trying to be the person that someone would want to marry is VERY important, but when finding a spouse, if you can, marry someone better than you are.  If nothing else, marry someone who shares your values, your commitments, and your beliefs.

This is what may have saved me.  When I was out dating I paid very close heed to the ideas to try to date other members.  I normally strove to date girls that were already strong in the church and were seen as good girls already.  This meant that they shared my religion and my belief system already.  We had this in common and it meant that, although there may be some things that were different, overall, we shared many of the same goals in life already (temple marriage, devotion to the gospel).  Look for someone who shares your same values and you increase your ability to find someone who will be wonderful to marry.  Also look for someone who shares your commitment.  To many marriages end in divorce these days.  Sometimes this quality passes from parent to child.  Try to find someone that shares a commitment that once married, they will stay married.  One that will not run away the moment things get hard.  Most importantly, look for someone who loves the Lord as much as you love the Lord, and make a commitment yourself to always love the Lord and put him (and whoever you marry) first in the marriage, before yourself.  If you put them before yourself, you will find marriage is a LOT easier to remain committed to.

As I said, I got incredibly lucky.  My wife as she has aged has gotten even more beautiful.  I can still tell her she is the most beautiful woman in the world.  However, now it goes far beyond just physical looks.  She is still the most beautiful to me in physical looks, but now she is also extremely beautiful to me because of her spirituality.  I was greatly blessed and thank the Lord that he has blessed me so greatly with such a wonderful wife.

#2 - On going on a mission

This can be a little more complex, especially when you have family members that are a little against the church (or greatly against the church).  My wife and children are members, but most of my family are NOT members.  Some actually do not like the church.  So how do I reconcile this honoring your parents with following the church.

This talk was given before you were born by Dalin H. Oaks.

Honour They Father and Thy Mother

In it he says something very important

 

Quote

President Spencer W. Kimball combined the ideas of obedience and emulation in these words:

“If we truly honor [our parents], we will seek to emulate their best characteristics and to fulfill their highest aspirations for us. No gift purchased from a store can begin to match in value to parents some simple, sincere words of appreciation. Nothing we could give them would be more prized than righteous living for each youngster.” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 348.)

Young people, if you honor your parents, you will love them, respect them, confide in them, be considerate of them, express appreciation for them, and demonstrate all of these things by following their counsel in righteousness and by obeying the commandments of God.


From a talk by Rex D. Pinegar

Honor they father and they mother

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We honor our parents most through living a personally righteous life. I realize that some of you may be without parents. Most of you are away from your own parents now. But someone has said that the success of children is the success of their parents. As a parent I can tell you there is no greater honor that can come to me or any parent than to see my children successfully living the teachings of the gospel. Financial success, educational attainments, honors of men—these marks of your success in life are sources of pride to any father and mother. But the real joy and honor comes to them through your faithfulness to the Lord’s commandments. In this way we honor not only our parents, but also our Heavenly Father.

.......

May each of us live righteously so that we may qualify for the blessings that flow to those who honor their parents. May we all honor our parents by having faith in them, by being obedient to their righteous counsel, and by living righteous lives through obedience to the commandments of God.

I testify to you from personal experience with this commandment that it is truly from God. Obedience to it will result in blessings for others as well as for ourselves. In the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Not as official, but still good advice

From a LDS church News article

Unrighteous parents honored by righteous child

Quote

"When parents are not righteous, two questions about this commandment are often raised. First, is one still required to honor unrighteous parents and, second, does honor imply obedience if the parents ask for unrighteous behavior? . . .

"Anytime a child lives righteously he brings honor to his parents, whether those parents are themselves righteous or wicked. . . . So, honoring parents does not always imply obeying them. In those relatively few cases where parents may ask for or encourage unrighteous behavior in their children, the individual brings dishonor to his parents if he obeys them.

". . . Parents stand as direct representatives of God in mortality, and therefore, like priesthood offices, the office of parent requires honor. Obviously, an attendant responsibility and obligation goes along with that calling as God's representative. Parents are obligated to strive to be as much like God as possible."

So how do I see this?  When parents wish to have their children do things in harmony with the Lord, you do it.  When they want you to do things against the commandments or the Lord, you still honor them even if they do not see it that way by NOT following them and instead following the Lord.  This means, you still help them as much as you can, you still obey them in righteous actions, you do not argue with them, you do not fight with them, you instead show them love, long suffering and charity. 

Many times I told my daughters, the way a young man treats his mother and his sisters is the same way he will treat you.  Look to see how he treats them before you marry the fellow.

Treat both your parents with respect and honor due to them, but when they wish you to do things contrary to the Lord, follow the Lord.  The Lord said the greatest commandment was to love him with all your heart, might, mind and strength.  The second is to love your neighbor as yourself.  This equally applies to parents.  Put the Lord first, and after the Lord, put your parents desires and wishes.

I did not have the dilemma you did.  Young men did not need to go on mission immediately at the age of eighteen or upon graduation of High School.  They could wait much longer, and in many and most instances did so.  We were fully adults on our own, without any need for parents permissions to go on an LDS Mission.  Hence, I was out of my parents control when I was the appropriate age and as an adult, could choose for myself.

I imagine that if you so desire, the same will apply to you if you do not mind going on a mission when you are a little older.  I have had young men up to the age of 23 in the past two years apply to go on missions.  If you desire to go on a mission, I am certain that you can fulfill that desire at a later date.

If you desire to do something else, seek the Lord first in all things.  Whether you go on a mission, or you stay home or you go to college, look to the Lord and keep his commandments.  I think that's perhaps the most important thing.  It is far more to listen and look to the Lord than go on a mission.  A mission is beneficial though, and I find those that go on missions typically (but not always, I have seen some that have fallen away from the church that went on missions as well) gain a much stronger testimony, a stronger and deeper understanding of the LDS church, and a greater commitment to the Lord. 

However, whatever way we end up serving, seek the Lord's will first, and then seek what we want.  The same goes for our parents, if we will seek the Lord's will first, and then our parents secondly before our own, I think we will find our lives more blessed than putting our own desires first.  It is important to honor your father and mother, but it is also important to honor him who gave that commandment, the Lord.  If we put him first in our lives, we will see that everything else will eventually fall into place as far as obeying the commandments and following him

.

Edited by JohnsonJones
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