When divorce seems to be the only option....

[for_our_experience]

Hi everyone,

I have not been on here for a long time, and rarely post anyway but I feel some advice from this community may help and give me some perspective at a difficult time. I expect this will be a long post, so please bear with me, as the context is important of course.

I have been married to my wife for just over 6 years now. I am 29 years old and she is 26, we have 2 children, aged 4 and 2 whom we love very much. I would say on the whole our marriage has been good. We had some struggles learning to live together at first, but after the first 6-9 months we settled down and generally get along well. We talk, laugh, and do things together and have a decent relationship. I am a returned missionary and we have both always been active at church (up until recently). Over the course of our marriage, we have been fairly consistent in family prayer, and on-and-off with study overall. My wife has never been as committed to the gospel as myself, and I don't believe she ever really studies by herself or prays very often, and rarely does she go visiting teaching etc. I have tried to be an example, but she just has rarely been that bothered to do things like this herself. That said, she has at times been the one to encourage good gospel habits, such as following a study program if it were encouraged by a local leader in the right way, and I am grateful and give her due credit for such things.

I would say that my wifes messiness and laziness has been a constant frustration throughout our marriage. Of course we have talked about it numerous times, but nothing really changes, so I have just learned to put up with it, and ask her nicely to do things where possible. I would say she takes offence quite easily, so I find myself being careful with what I say. She has worked part time for most of our marriage. I also worked part time and full time, studied a degree for 3 years, and recently got a decent job after graduating. We have a good standard of living, but I know my wife would like more luxuries. I feel as though this would be the case whatever our economic standpoint. She is never satisfied with what she has for very long. This can be quite hard work and high maintenance trying to manage her desires, and I don't like to be a killjoy at all.

Throughout our marriage their has undoubtedly been a strain for both us due to what I thought were our differences in terms of attitudes to sex. I have a fairly high libido (I would like to have sexual contact 2-3 times a week on average), and she has a seemingly low one (she would be happy to do these things every 1-2 months). This has been the case for the whole duration of the marriage, and has obviously been very frustrating for me, and difficult for her as she has felt a sense of duty. She has told me she very rarely enjoys sex. We have tried to follow self-help books etc, but she cannot commit to actually putting anything in to practice for a good period of time, and nothing changes. We have of course had discussions and the odd argument about it all, but not many considering the length of time we have had this problem. I consider myself to be a patient and understanding person, and do not like to create conflict. As a result, I often bite my tongue and hide my frustrations (in general, not just in relation to sex). I have just hoped we would find a solution at some point, especially now I have finished my studies for the time being and am in to a settled routine with work etc.

My wifes father died around 10 years ago, and mid-way through 2016 her mother died also after a battle with cancer. My wife coped very well for around 6 months during a difficult time and of course I supported her as best I could. I think a gospel perspective helped her. She experienced mild depression and anxiety and was put on medication, which she still takes now (a higher dosage). Her mood is less erratic when she is on the medication, there is a noticeable difference.

2017 was a difficult year spiritually for her, and I have watched her go further and further downhill. She decided she did not see the point of wearing garments, and then later paying tithing, and she has been on-and-off with church attendance towards the back end of the year. The more surprising big change in her behaviour is her attitude towards the word of wisdom. She first started drinking tea at work etc about mid way through the year just because she quite liked the smell of it. She later decided that she wanted to start drinking alcohol (she did not tell me though), and as she was heavily involved in her best friends wedding as maid of honour, she organised the hen parties, fully indulging herself in the drinking. It is no secret that she thoroughly enjoyed the effects of the drink, and also the social aspect. Since then, she has continued to go on the nights out and drink and party. She enjoys being seen as a bit of a party animal, and acts more extroverted than she really is. I believe she is over-compensating and trying to make up for lost time. I attended said wedding, and it was a sorry sight to see my wife drink, swear, and act overly aggressive. She didnt really care that I was there, though she did say she toned it down due to my presence. If that was toned down, I never want to see her in full flow, and I dont think I ever will. She initially lied about the drinking after the hen party, but later told me what she had been doing. She said she did not want to do it again due to the hangover effects and now that she had the opportunity to experience it she didnt need to anymore. I was not confident this would be the case, and I was right. In all of these matters I have expressed my feelings respectfully, never getting into conflict, but I have felt it is important she knows where I stand. I have also talked to my Bishop, who is very surprised and has of course been supportive. My wife is not aware of this of course, but I have needed the spiritual guidance and someone to talk to.

These however, are not the biggest issues, in fact, they are merely a side note. Amongst all these decisions, we have had a number of discussions about the state of our marriage, as is useful and necessary. These were more to do with her waning contribution to home and family life due to going out and doing her own thing increasingly, rather than being specifically to do with drinking etc. In Oct/Nov last year she asked me in which circumstances I would consider divorce. I said something along the lines of adultery, and if she straight out did not want to be with me etc. She responded by asking if I would still be with her if she was gay. I said of course I would, and that we would find a way to make it work. She does not know if she can compromise in our sexual relationship at all, saying she has already tried for 6 years. She is repulsed by male genitalia and feels sex is an intrusion to her. This now offered an explanation to our sexual differences, and why she has not been attracted to me since marriage (although she was infatuated with me for a long time before we were married). She said she knows she is gay as she wants to be with her manager at work (she has worked there for around 6 months now), who is also gay and is female. She was taken at the time of this conversation, having been in a relationship for 5 years. My wife said that if she was not taken she would find it very hard to resist pursuing her.

We have had a number of deep and difficult conversations regarding this and our relationship over the past 2 months or so. She is adament that she does not want to be with me anymore, as it is unfair on both of us. She fantasises over this other woman. She told me a few days ago that her manager is going to be splitting up with her partner, and she will find it very difficult not to pursue her. She is utterly infatuated with her, as she was with me for years before we married. It is heart breaking for me as I have put in so much to her and our family. She asked me if I would completely give up a sexual relationship to remain with her. I asked her if I would, would she commit herself to me 100% and forget about pursuing anyone else. She still said no, she would want to be  with someone else. What else can I do? She says she has been miserable for 6 years and will never know what her life could be like if she doesnt be 'true to herself'. I have tried to teach her that if she fully commits to me and also the gospel, she can experience happiness and peace that is unobtainable elsewhere, and that blessings will be laid up in heaven also. She just does not believe it, she says she tried it and it hasnt worked (she hasnt really, she has gone through the motions mainly, which I have discussed with her in a considerate and understanding way). 

As you can imagine, I am sad and frustrated in my current predicament. It is not nice for me, and could be difficult for our young children. My wife can be a good mother, but is often overly aggressive to our 4 year old boy and has never had much patience with him. This is another consideration for the future of course. She does struggle to motivate herself for the kids and I have often found myself taking up most of the slack for them as I love them and dont want them to be neglected.

She has had some private, non LDS counselling but I think this has done more harm than good, as she has just been asked to think about what she wants/needs, rather than what she should/ should not do. We are starting couples counselling soon (LDS), but she cannot see how she will change through it, and seems to have already decided upon her path. It may only be a way to negotiate the split.

Thanks for reading, I know it is long. There is actually much more I could put! Any similar experiences, advice, or support would be much appreciated. 

 

 

[Just_A_Guy]

Sorry to hear this, brother.  Pardon my wording things this way, but . . . Why hasn’t she left already?  Is she trying to manipulate you into being the one to end it?  Or do you think there’s still a part of her that believes it would be wrong to leave you to pursue another relationship?

Edited January 7, 2018 by Just_A_Guy

[Sunday21]

@for_our_experience. I am very sorry that you are going through this very difficult experience. I feel that you need professional lds assistance from an lds counselor and your bishop. I would call your bishop immediately. Are your parents in the picture? Even if your relationship with your mother has been a bit rocky in the past, I would pick up the phone and arrange a time to talk to her when you will not be overheard. Do you have a sane kind sibling that you can trust? I would start marshalling the troupes of emotional support. You need kind supportive people who can be trusted in your life.

A trip to the temple and putting your name on the prayer roll is a good idea. I would also get a blessing from your home teachers or father. At the very least, call that bishop! Praying for you!

[JohnsonJones]

This is a difficult situation, and I am sorry that you are dealing with it.  In some instances I would suggest (if you were on good terms with them) to contact her parents and get them involved to some degree, but as that is not possible, it is not a path that you can take.

I would advise some marriage counseling from an LDS counselor if possible.  I think she is experiencing a mid-life crisis (though not in middle age yet) where she regrets actions she took previously and wants to live life how she thinks she could have lived it if she were not with the "good girl" image.  It is one of selfishness and self-centeredness.  This can be extremely tough on a marriage.

I am NOT a marriage counselor, and what they would advise is probably ten times better than what I am thinking.

Perhaps the time is not right to try to push your own thoughts on your wife, but perhaps focus more on your children.  Bring up to your wife your children's love and ask her how much she loves them.  Find out if she wants to hurt them, or what she would do for her children.  Children need their mother, they need both parents in a committed relationship.  There are many that do not have this in today's modern era of broken homes, but we know from revelation and from messages (Proclamation to the Family for starters) in our day that a Father and a Mother are important.  See if she is willing to sacrifice for her children and to love them with all the love of her heart, even if she cannot love you presently.

Ask to start saying daily family prayers, both morning and night.  See if she is willing to say couple prayers together both morning and night with you.  Spend time cuddling.  When I say cuddling I do not mean anything further than that, I mean time where you put your arm around her shoulders and sit close to her or hold her close and just talk.  Make time for it each day. 

A much tougher thing to do, but if she is willing, perhaps one of the more important.  See if she will spend just five minutes (more if possible, but five minutes at least) each day just reading from the Book of Mormon outloud with you. 

Another step, if it is possible, is go to a one income home.  This is NOT possible in many instances, but it seems that she has a weakness in the world currently.  Using your children as a focus, have it so that she will spend time at home raising them.  This means that your household income will decrease greatly, but if she spends time at home with the children, perhaps the worldly temptations will diminish and her spiritual being will be uplifted more.  If you can have her focus on your children and the needs of your children, I think she may be able to overcome the self-centeredness that seems to have pre-occupied her character.  Perhaps it will bring the best out of her as she tries to bring them up the best she can because she loves them.  That's the important thing to dwell on in regards to the children, is her love for her children (which I hope that she has).  By sacrificing for others, it can bring the best out of us.

In addition, stop thinking about the things of yourself, but focus on her and your children yourself.  Try to set an example of selflessness.  Put all your labors and love towards helping and furthering what they need in life.

I don't know the solutions to your problems.  I, like anyone, can offer advice, but advice is a dime a dozen comments.  Advice is cheap, it's much harder to find an actual solution. 

It sounds like a hard situation that you are going through and I do not know the answers that you seek.  I pray that you can at least find solace and comfort from the Holy Spirit in this time of trial. 

 

[for_our_experience]

12 hours ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Sorry to hear this, brother.  Pardon my wording things this way, but . . . Why hasn’t she left already?  Is she trying to manipulate you into being the one to end it?  Or do you think there’s still a part of her that believes it would be wrong to leave you to pursue another relationship?

A very fair question. She says she is really only in the relationship for the kids, and that is why she is willing to do the couples counselling. She does not believe that she can ever love me as a spouse, only a friend. It will not be a good example for our children for her to be going out and pursuing other people though of course, and if that is what she insists on doing we will have to end it. I am asking for 100% commitment from her, as I give to her also.

I think ideally she wants me to say 'that's it we're done' and she gets an easy get out. It may not be fair on the children though. They deserve a mum and dad to raise them, but not ones which arent committed to each other. There is still a part of her that believes it is wrong to pursue another relationship, but she doesn't believe it enough to stop her and 'prevent her from being happy.

[for_our_experience]

12 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

@for_our_experience. I am very sorry that you are going through this very difficult experience. I feel that you need professional lds assistance from an lds counselor and your bishop. I would call your bishop immediately. Are your parents in the picture? Even if your relationship with your mother has been a bit rocky in the past, I would pick up the phone and arrange a time to talk to her when you will not be overheard. Do you have a sane kind sibling that you can trust? I would start marshalling the troupes of emotional support. You need kind supportive people who can be trusted in your life.

A trip to the temple and putting your name on the prayer roll is a good idea. I would also get a blessing from your home teachers or father. At the very least, call that bishop! Praying for you!

We are getting assistance from a lds counsellor, starting next week. She is skeptical about how useful it might be, but she is willing to do it. If she has already made her mind up it will be tough to change, but we will see. They will at least help us to negotiate the split if it comes to it.

My Bishop is aware of the other issues (drinking etc), but not the sexuality. He is a family friend, and of course my wife would not like him to know as it is a very sensitive issue. I have contemplated telling him, but I am currently unsure.

Again, my parents are aware of most of the issues. They believe we should have split many years ago, regardless of these issues, as they see her as quite hard work and think I can do better.

Just the other day I asked some friends to put our names on the prayer roll. I could get a blessing though.

[for_our_experience]

2 hours ago, JohnsonJones said:

This is a difficult situation, and I am sorry that you are dealing with it.  In some instances I would suggest (if you were on good terms with them) to contact her parents and get them involved to some degree, but as that is not possible, it is not a path that you can take.

I would advise some marriage counseling from an LDS counselor if possible.  I think she is experiencing a mid-life crisis (though not in middle age yet) where she regrets actions she took previously and wants to live life how she thinks she could have lived it if she were not with the "good girl" image.  It is one of selfishness and self-centeredness.  This can be extremely tough on a marriage.

I am NOT a marriage counselor, and what they would advise is probably ten times better than what I am thinking.

Perhaps the time is not right to try to push your own thoughts on your wife, but perhaps focus more on your children.  Bring up to your wife your children's love and ask her how much she loves them.  Find out if she wants to hurt them, or what she would do for her children.  Children need their mother, they need both parents in a committed relationship.  There are many that do not have this in today's modern era of broken homes, but we know from revelation and from messages (Proclamation to the Family for starters) in our day that a Father and a Mother are important.  See if she is willing to sacrifice for her children and to love them with all the love of her heart, even if she cannot love you presently.

Ask to start saying daily family prayers, both morning and night.  See if she is willing to say couple prayers together both morning and night with you.  Spend time cuddling.  When I say cuddling I do not mean anything further than that, I mean time where you put your arm around her shoulders and sit close to her or hold her close and just talk.  Make time for it each day. 

A much tougher thing to do, but if she is willing, perhaps one of the more important.  See if she will spend just five minutes (more if possible, but five minutes at least) each day just reading from the Book of Mormon outloud with you. 

Another step, if it is possible, is go to a one income home.  This is NOT possible in many instances, but it seems that she has a weakness in the world currently.  Using your children as a focus, have it so that she will spend time at home raising them.  This means that your household income will decrease greatly, but if she spends time at home with the children, perhaps the worldly temptations will diminish and her spiritual being will be uplifted more.  If you can have her focus on your children and the needs of your children, I think she may be able to overcome the self-centeredness that seems to have pre-occupied her character.  Perhaps it will bring the best out of her as she tries to bring them up the best she can because she loves them.  That's the important thing to dwell on in regards to the children, is her love for her children (which I hope that she has).  By sacrificing for others, it can bring the best out of us.

In addition, stop thinking about the things of yourself, but focus on her and your children yourself.  Try to set an example of selflessness.  Put all your labors and love towards helping and furthering what they need in life.

I don't know the solutions to your problems.  I, like anyone, can offer advice, but advice is a dime a dozen comments.  Advice is cheap, it's much harder to find an actual solution. 

It sounds like a hard situation that you are going through and I do not know the answers that you seek.  I pray that you can at least find solace and comfort from the Holy Spirit in this time of trial. 

 

There is no doubt that she is bitter about the church and how it has prevented her from having experiences she 'should' have had as a teenager, that is why she is exploring that lifestyle now. She is also bitter about how the church taught her that she would be happy if she married in the temple, and it hasn't been what she thought it was going to be. She expected a fairytale marriage, which is not realistic. That said, she has a lot to be grateful for. I am caring, hard-working at home, and believe myself to be good company.

She does not believe that the kids will benefit from having a father and a mother, any mix would suffice for her. Even if she were single, she thinks splitting would be better for the children as we are currently teaching them to 'live a lie'. I have explained to her we are teaching them that living by your beliefs and promises is important, but of course, she does not believe the same things as me anymore, so it doesn't have the same effect.

We do have family and couples prayers fairly consistently. We will even take turns. We are also still affectionate, mostly me initiating. I do not expect anything further, I am just trying to improve/maintain a bond. She doesnt mind this, and likes it sometimes. Of course, this is very difficult, as we both desire different things and I also know that she does not really want to be with me and is thinking about other people. It is emotionally very tough.

In terms of study, she is reluctant. I try to bring up a relevant topic to discuss or share something brief, mainly playing it by ear depending on her mood etc.

It would be tough to go to a one income home, we could maybe afford it though. I feel that she would really struggle with the kids all day every day, she is not very patient and has difficulty with our eldest. She can be very good though, but she is not consistent. I have felt for a while she is probably better off at work, and she has actually agreed. Motherhood has been harder and less enjoyable than she expected.

 

[omegaseamaster75]

4 hours ago, for_our_experience said:

I think ideally she wants me to say 'that's it we're done' and she gets an easy get out. It may not be fair on the children though. They deserve a mum and dad to raise them, but not ones which arent committed to each other. There is still a part of her that believes it is wrong to pursue another relationship, but she doesn't believe it enough to stop her and 'prevent her from being happy.

THis she wants to be able to blame someone, and not take responsibility for her actions.

I don't know what the laws are regarding divorce in the UK but my advice, hire a good attorney protect yourself and your kids before they get older. You are still young and can have a great life with a faithful member of the church.

[for_our_experience]

1 hour ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

THis she wants to be able to blame someone, and not take responsibility for her actions.

I don't know what the laws are regarding divorce in the UK but my advice, hire a good attorney protect yourself and your kids before they get older. You are still young and can have a great life with a faithful member of the church.

I have been thinking about this as I need to be prepared. She has to realise that she has changed the goalposts and I should not suffer because of that. She said to me the other day that 'obviously, the kids stay with the mother in the home '. I pointed out that she should not assume that will be the case at all, as the split is down to her. Why should I give up the house and kids? If anything, she should be the one to leave if I want to stay. The kids will be better off in my care anyway, but she will not agree and the law may not support me. I need to enlist some professional advice.

[Sunday21]

25 minutes ago, for_our_experience said:

I have been thinking about this as I need to be prepared. She has to realise that she has changed the goalposts and I should not suffer because of that. She said to me the other day that 'obviously, the kids stay with the mother in the home '. I pointed out that she should not assume that will be the case at all, as the split is down to her. Why should I give up the house and kids? If anything, she should be the one to leave if I want to stay. The kids will be better off in my care anyway, but she will not agree and the law may not support me. I need to enlist some professional advice.

@for_our_experience. I would definitely contact a lawyer. Be careful what you say and the emotions that you display to your wife. You are in the fight of your life. You need to get as much contact/custody as possible. Until, you get to a lawyer be pleasant and nonconfrontational. 

[for_our_experience]

12 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

@for_our_experience. I would definitely contact a lawyer. Be careful what you say and the emotions that you display to your wife. You are in the fight of your life. You need to get as much contact/custody as possible. Until, you get to a lawyer be pleasant and nonconfrontational. 

I think this is wise. Do you mean not signalling my desires to her for the kids to stay with me/ me staying in the house?

[Sunday21]

4 hours ago, for_our_experience said:

I think this is wise. Do you mean not signalling my desires to her for the kids to stay with me/ me staying in the house?

I would be pleasant and nonconfrontational until you get a chance to talk to a lawyer.

If you do get divorced, you may be negotiating with her for the right to see your children. You may well find that your wife will be awarded more custody than you. The law will not care that she is breaking commandments. If your wife decides that she is lesbian, she may decide to raise your children in a same sex partnership. You will then be dealing with both your wife and another woman, both of whom are being influenced by Satan. It is certainly possible that the two women will try to alienate the affections of your children. Focus on being the good guy. Be polite, respectful and reasonable. It is crucial to find out what you are entitled to under the law in terms of custody and support. What is your ex wife decides to move? Can she leave the UK? Good luck!

[for_our_experience]

 

44 minutes ago, Sunday21 said:

I would be pleasant and nonconfrontational until you get a chance to talk to a lawyer.

If you do get divorced, you may be negotiating with her for the right to see your children. You may well find that your wife will be awarded more custody than you. The law will not care that she is breaking commandments. If your wife decides that she is lesbian, she may decide to raise your children in a same sex partnership. You will then be dealing with both your wife and another woman, both of whom are being influenced by Satan. It is certainly possible that the two women will try to alienate the affections of your children. Focus on being the good guy. Be polite, respectful and reasonable. It is crucial to find out what you are entitled to under the law in terms of custody and support. What is your ex wife decides to move? Can she leave the UK? Good luck!

I am already the good guy you described, we are getting along very well and I plan to keep it that way.

She could leave the UK, it is possible but I would not expect it. She still believes that the kids seeing their dad is important, who knows if that would change depending on how we are getting along?!

I am going to seek legal advice for sure. 

[Guest]

On 1/7/2018 at 5:04 PM, for_our_experience said:

Any similar experiences, advice, or support would be much appreciated. 

There really seems to be no advice to give.  I'll tell you what I see as the current reality.

1. She seems to have made up her mind.  The focus for you would be to determine whether you start protecting yourself (recording conversations - both in person and over the phone) or if you want to try to inspire her to change her mind.  Note that I said "inspire" not "persuade."  There is a difference.
2. She's not going to change her mind about being gay or about sex with you.
3. I also perceive that you're someone lacking in motivation because of your high libido.  You also see this as an opportunity to trade her in for a more sexually active model.  Yeah.  Good luck with that.
4. If she's completely not into the marriage anymore and is already fantasizing about other women, then she's already committed adultery in her heart.  If she's saying that there's no way she's coming back from that, then it does seem to be over.

That's what I see.  There's really not much in the way of advice.  But good luck.

[for_our_experience]

4 hours ago, Carborendum said:

There really seems to be no advice to give.  I'll tell you what I see as the current reality.

1. She seems to have made up her mind.  The focus for you would be to determine whether you start protecting yourself (recording conversations - both in person and over the phone) or if you want to try to inspire her to change her mind.  Note that I said "inspire" not "persuade."  There is a difference.
2. She's not going to change her mind about being gay or about sex with you.
3. I also perceive that you're someone lacking in motivation because of your high libido.  You also see this as an opportunity to trade her in for a more sexually active model.  Yeah.  Good luck with that.
4. If she's completely not into the marriage anymore and is already fantasizing about other women, then she's already committed adultery in her heart.  If she's saying that there's no way she's coming back from that, then it does seem to be over.

That's what I see.  There's really not much in the way of advice.  But good luck.

1. What would be the purpose behind recording conversations - to prove in court the real reasons behind the split? 

I do want to inspire her to change her mind, that's why I continue to pray with her, discuss gospel topics with her, and generally continue to be a friend as well as a spouse. It's also part of the reason we are doing counselling together. 

 

2. I don't expect her to change her mind about being gay. But it is not unreasonable to hope to come to a compromise within our sexual relationship. This is not my main concern anyway, it is her level of commitment.

 

3. Lack motivation in what way? I'm very motivated to strengthen our marriage, though it is looking very difficult at present.

Finding a more sexually active model is not really my main goal. If it came to me being in a position to look for another spouse I would be looking primarily for someone who is focused on the gospel and committed to me.

 

4. I agree, which is why my situation is really tough as you see.

[workingonit]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.  It is an incredibly difficult situation.  My wife and I are in a similar one, except I'm the one that acted out, and I want to correct my actions.  The thing that comes to my mind is the medication.  I've been on several for depression/anxiety and they can really effect your sex drive and make you very apathetic toward most everything, including things you actully care deeply about.  I would look at maybe changing that up and see if it helps.  Many prayers for you my brother.  

[for_our_experience]

5 hours ago, workingonit said:

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.  It is an incredibly difficult situation.  My wife and I are in a similar one, except I'm the one that acted out, and I want to correct my actions.  The thing that comes to my mind is the medication.  I've been on several for depression/anxiety and they can really effect your sex drive and make you very apathetic toward most everything, including things you actully care deeply about.  I would look at maybe changing that up and see if it helps.  Many prayers for you my brother.  

Thanks for this. Unfortunately, my wifes sex drive has been very low from the start of our marriage (she has only been on antidepressants for just over a year). It was not a problem we/she envisaged beforehand. She says she just finds sex an intrusion and does not like the thought of it at all, especially with a man. That's why she wants to experiment with a woman (plus she is attracted to a woman).

[james12]

Sorry for_our_experience my heart aches for what you and your children are going through. Most of the advice has been good. I would just make a few comments that I hope will help.  

• Determine what is within your control and what is not. For instance, your wife may try to enter a relationship with this woman at work. You can do very little to nothing about it. So don't take that on yourself. Let that worry go. 
• Don't personalize her problems. Not all of her problems are your problems. Her drinking will create problems for herself. Try and help her avoid them but she has made this decision of her own free will, so don't take the pain of her drinking on yourself. Unfortunately you will be forced to deal with the consequences of her actions but you are not the cause of the situations she has created.
• Focus on what you do have control over. Your children are going to need you during this time. These kinds of situations rock a child's life. Focus on them. They are going to need a soft place to fall.
• Keep the Lord in your life. Your world is crashing down, this is the time you need him. Don't make the mistake of pushing him away. Now, this does not mean you take on extra church responsibilities. I am talking here about your connection with him. Strengthen it. It will be of great help in the coming months and years.  

I wish you the best.

[for_our_experience]

4 hours ago, james12 said:

Sorry for_our_experience my heart aches for what you and your children are going through. Most of the advice has been good. I would just make a few comments that I hope will help.  

• Determine what is within your control and what is not. For instance, your wife may try to enter a relationship with this woman at work. You can do very little to nothing about it. So don't take that on yourself. Let that worry go. 
• Don't personalize her problems. Not all of her problems are your problems. Her drinking will create problems for herself. Try and help her avoid them but she has made this decision of her own free will, so don't take the pain of her drinking on yourself. Unfortunately you will be forced to deal with the consequences of her actions but you are not the cause of the situations she has created.
• Focus on what you do have control over. Your children are going to need you during this time. These kinds of situations rock a child's life. Focus on them. They are going to need a soft place to fall.
• Keep the Lord in your life. Your world is crashing down, this is the time you need him. Don't make the mistake of pushing him away. Now, this does not mean you take on extra church responsibilities. I am talking here about your connection with him. Strengthen it. It will be of great help in the coming months and years.  

I wish you the best.

Thanks for this. 

I am certainly not taking any responsibility for the mistakes she is making, and potentially will make. They are not down to me at all, we both know that.

I find some of her habits upsetting because I have always seen us as 'one' and her mistakes are an example of how she does not want to be so anymore. But she is the one to pull away, not me. It is sad though.

The frustrating consequence of things like drinking is that it affects her the following day also, leaving me with more responsibility, and her either in bed or snapping at the kids, or both. She is easily offended also and believes I try to control her by asking her to help out etc.

I am trying to focus on the kids. I want to have as much custody as possible for them if it comes to that . I believe I am the better and more consistent parent at present and have been for a long time. She can be very good, but is not as reliable or emotionally stable. Of course I would want her to be a big part of the kids lives.

I can't take much more on with church, I'm on the Bishopric already!  My Bishop has said that if I need a release he more than understands. I said I was fine for the moment but I will see how we get on.

 

 

[NightSG]

8 hours ago, for_our_experience said:

The frustrating consequence of things like drinking is that it affects her the following day also, leaving me with more responsibility, and her either in bed or snapping at the kids, or both. She is easily offended also and believes I try to control her by asking her to help out etc.

Talk to her doctor; if she's trying to self-medicate with alcohol on top of antidepressants, it's probably time for a change of meds.

[Bad Karma]

7 hours ago, for_our_experience said:

Thanks for this. 

I am certainly not taking any responsibility for the mistakes she is making, and potentially will make. They are not down to me at all, we both know that.

I find some of her habits upsetting because I have always seen us as 'one' and her mistakes are an example of how she does not want to be so anymore. But she is the one to pull away, not me. It is sad though.

The frustrating consequence of things like drinking is that it affects her the following day also, leaving me with more responsibility, and her either in bed or snapping at the kids, or both. She is easily offended also and believes I try to control her by asking her to help out etc.

I am trying to focus on the kids. I want to have as much custody as possible for them if it comes to that . I believe I am the better and more consistent parent at present and have been for a long time. She can be very good, but is not as reliable or emotionally stable. Of course I would want her to be a big part of the kids lives.

I can't take much more on with church, I'm on the Bishopric already!  My Bishop has said that if I need a release he more than understands. I said I was fine for the moment but I will see how we get on.

 

 

Some food for thought

 

A wise man said "Don't just stand there, do something"!

A wiser man said "Don't just do something STAND THERE"!

 

About love:  

1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

 

The Priesthood: The Responsibility to represent God. -David O' McKay. 

Love your wife (Ensign 01/2014)

The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the Lord tests hearts. -Proverbs 17: 3

 

[NightSG]

50 minutes ago, Bad Karma said:

A wise man said "Don't just stand there, do something"!

A wiser man said "Don't just do something STAND THERE"!

An even wiser man...still forgot to make sure there were no witnesses.  Exodus 2:12-14

[for_our_experience]

 

10 hours ago, NightSG said:

Talk to her doctor; if she's trying to self-medicate with alcohol on top of antidepressants, it's probably time for a change of meds.

Thankfully her drinking is not very frequent, just whenever she is invited out by her friends. We will.see exactly how often that is over time I guess. Last year was just the start of her journey in this regard. 

[NightSG]

4 hours ago, for_our_experience said:

Thankfully her drinking is not very frequent, just whenever she is invited out by her friends. We will.see exactly how often that is over time I guess. Last year was just the start of her journey in this regard. 

Still something a physician needs to know about when prescribing any sort of long-term medication.

[seashmore]

Couples or marriage therapy may benefit you @for_our_experience.

After only reading the original post, I'm wondering if she experienced some sort of sexual abuse at a young age. It may explain why she feels sex is an intrusion, why she finds male genitalia disgusting, and perhaps why she is more aggressive towards your son than daughter. If this is the case, it should be something she discusses with a therapist before making any life changing decisions.

Her depression may also explain her housekeeping habits, and her medication may also be cause for her recent erratic behavior, especially if she's combing it in her system with alcohol.

For the record, I highly discourage anyone becoming romantically involved with a work superior. Regardless of sexual preferences. That's just asking for an all-around messy life.

See if you can have an audience with your RS President. Suggest your wife may need some adult social interaction outside of play dates, whether that be evening activities or just ice cream dates with her visiting teachers. This may be why she enjoys working part time.

Also, check out http://www.joshweed.com/ According to his bio, he's a gay Mormon family/marriage therapist married to a woman. 

Edited January 14, 2018 by seashmore