Sexless marriage recovery


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Has anyone here actually revived a sexless marriage with lasting, (for the most part) happy results? I’m so lonely and bored in the marriage department. Sex isn’t a priority/ interest for my hubby. I’m tired of providing all the energy and interest but if I don’t, he won’t and even if I offer he won’t necessarily join in. 

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Can't say that I have. Actually kind of given up on a sexually satisfying marriage myself. I don't recall any users here sharing such a success store. I don't think he has ever said how "sexless" his marriage was, but I know that user latter-day marriage has somewhat of a success story (I hope he won't object if I share a link to his blog: http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/p/about-me.html ). Laura Brotherson lists a half dozen or so "success stories" on her blog: https://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/?s=success+stories though I don't recall how many, if any , represent a full turnaround from a sexless marriage to a (for the most part) happy marriage. I know I have seen some success stories among the christian marriage bloggers that I follow (a few readers/commenters over on Paul and Laura Byerly's Generous Husband/Wife blogs, for example).

I know most of these examples are all stereotypical high drive husband+low drive wife scenarios, where you seem to be in the counter-stereotype situation. I can't offer anything other than commiseration, but hopefully there is something in those resources that you will find helpful. If not, at least know that you are not alone.

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8 hours ago, Marlayna West said:

Has anyone here actually revived a sexless marriage with lasting, (for the most part) happy results? I’m so lonely and bored in the marriage department. Sex isn’t a priority/ interest for my hubby. I’m tired of providing all the energy and interest but if I don’t, he won’t and even if I offer he won’t necessarily join in. 

Hi. I would consider a trip to a temple and a prayer in the celestial room. If the situation is causing you stress and the normal, read scriptures, bear your testimony to God, pray and fast, do not work; then you could consider praying to the Lord to take the desire away from you. As a last resort obviously! 

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2 hours ago, Sunday21 said:

 then you could consider praying to the Lord to take the desire away from you. As a last resort obviously! 

This would be a tragedy and really bad advice.  OP you need to see a MTF, and your husband needs to see a doctor.  If he is over the age of 40 and not interested in sex at all there may be medical issues going on. Even if he lost interest earlier it should be looked into.

A sexless marriage is no marriage at all.

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@omegaseamaster75 is spot on in his encouragement that you seek good counsel, and that your husband to do likewise (perhaps a doctor specializing in 'men's health'). The Apostle Paul makes it clear in 1 Corinthians 7:3, 5:  Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence, and likewise the wife unto the husband. ... Defraud ye not one another, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

There should be no coercion in marriage. On the other hand, intimacy is demanded--spiritual, emotional/psychological/intellectual, and, yes, physical. If any of these areas is lacking then help should be sought. 

Edited by prisonchaplain
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20 hours ago, MrShorty said:

Can't say that I have. Actually kind of given up on a sexually satisfying marriage myself. I don't recall any users here sharing such a success store. I don't think he has ever said how "sexless" his marriage was, but I know that user latter-day marriage has somewhat of a success story (I hope he won't object if I share a link to his blog: http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/p/about-me.html ). Laura Brotherson lists a half dozen or so "success stories" on her blog: https://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/?s=success+stories though I don't recall how many, if any , represent a full turnaround from a sexless marriage to a (for the most part) happy marriage. I know I have seen some success stories among the christian marriage bloggers that I follow (a few readers/commenters over on Paul and Laura Byerly's Generous Husband/Wife blogs, for example).

I know most of these examples are all stereotypical high drive husband+low drive wife scenarios, where you seem to be in the counter-stereotype situation. I can't offer anything other than commiseration, but hopefully there is something in those resources that you will find helpful. If not, at least know that you are not alone.

You can promote my blog all you want, and when I'm done an evening course in a couple weeks I'll have to post again too.

To the OP: I think the first questions is why is it a sexless marriage.  Mine wasn't sexless but it was bad and getting worse.  Thankfully my wife did not have an anti-sex mindset.  We had other obstacles to overcome and reading Brotherson's book together, doing the homework, and talking about what we've read did wonders for us.  You might find that helpful, or it might take something else but it can happen and when it does the past doesn't really matter any more other than the regret of not fixing it sooner.  This might be a good place on my blog to start:

https://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2015/05/fight-for-your-marriage-part-1.html

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9 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

This would be a tragedy and really bad advice.  OP you need to see a MTF, and your husband needs to see a doctor.  If he is over the age of 40 and not interested in sex at all there may be medical issues going on. Even if he lost interest earlier it should be looked into.

A sexless marriage is no marriage at all.

I would agree with your assessment, yet disagree with your last line.   

I'd also ask if you're both LDS?  If so, are both following the Law of Chastity?

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Yes, both LDS. Both chaste. Although my mind is a roller coaster, it’s a battle.

I really believe sex rarely crosses his mind. He is a flirt/innuendo idiot.  

We have been married 28 years. 

I’ll encourage him to go to the dr. 

When I bring up the issue we both end up  defensive and arguing and hurt and that is not at all condusive to love making. 

I went to the dr. today and I am trying a new antidepressant. The doc was a little surprised at our role reversed sex complaint. He suggested a testosterone check for hubby. 

Thanks for all the comments, it is a difficult topic to broach in person. 

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6 hours ago, Marlayna West said:

Yes, both LDS. Both chaste. Although my mind is a roller coaster, it’s a battle.

I really believe sex rarely crosses his mind. He is a flirt/innuendo idiot.  

We have been married 28 years. 

I’ll encourage him to go to the dr. 

When I bring up the issue we both end up  defensive and arguing and hurt and that is not at all condusive to love making. 

I went to the dr. today and I am trying a new antidepressant. The doc was a little surprised at our role reversed sex complaint. He suggested a testosterone check for hubby. 

Thanks for all the comments, it is a difficult topic to broach in person. 

Woah, did you just call him an idiot? That's pretty disrespectful. Hmm......

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1 hour ago, Bad Karma said:

Woah, did you just call him an idiot? That's pretty disrespectful. Hmm......

I think she just meant he's dense on that area.  Reminds me of the portrayal of nerds back in the 80's where they're oblivious to girls.  A girl has to take off all her clothes, say, "I want to have sex with you now", before the nerd gets it.  Maybe this is what the OP needs to do too?  ;)

There's also this metoo issue with this comedian Aziz Ansari who took a girl home and they engage in foreplay and the girl goes off in public the next day saying she was sexually abused by Ansari because Ansari did not "read her non-verbal cues" that she didn't really want to have sex with him even as she freely engaged in the foreplay.  From my experience with my husband, there are men who just don't get non-verbal cues or innuendos.  You have to tell them in clear and concise sentences what you want.

 

Edited by anatess2
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8 hours ago, Marlayna West said:

He suggested a testosterone check for hubby.

This was the first thing that came to my mind as well.  Would your husband be willing to take supplements that would boost his sex drive?  Or is he even opposed to doing that?  If he would be opposed, it sounds like more than just sexless marriage problems.

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8 hours ago, Marlayna West said:

I went to the dr. today and I am trying a new antidepressant. The doc was a little surprised at our role reversed sex complaint. He suggested a testosterone check for hubby. 

Thanks for all the comments, it is a difficult topic to broach in person. 

As soon as I read that you have been married 28 years - this is what I would recommend. I also agree with anatess2 - quit with the innuendos, hints, "wink,wink,wink" and tell him straight out that you have set up an appointment for him to have blood workup done. Then do it! You, the Dr and the phlebotomist are the only ones who need to know right now that he is having his testosterone checked. When he goes in for an explanation of his tests, then he will find out.

My husband found out about 5 years before we met that his testosterone levels were extremely low. He thought it was his thyroid - that the meds for that were all out of whack. He also thought that because we were getting married that his levels should be as high as when he was in his 30's - he was 62 and I was 52. Believe me, sex was on the bottom of my list. It is NOT the End All Be All in a marriage, especially when both are over the age of 50.

I had just left an abusive marriage of 20+ years - abusive mentally, physically and sexually. New hubby knew this. He also knew that I didn't want sex. What I needed, craved was cuddling and gentle touches all over me - excluding the typical sexual erogenous zones. I was also on the cusp of menopause [moving to an area where the average low temp is 75 and the average high is 120 sure didn't help] as well as being diagnosed with Type II Diabetes 1.5 years into the marriage.

Hubby also had been neglected when it came to all over body caresses & deep massage on his back & shoulders.

He takes meds to get his testosterone & thyroid levels up enough so that he isn't a *slug* [his word, not mine].

After the blood tests, and the discussion with his Dr [you need to be present during the discussion and explanation of the test results] you two must sit down, turn the TV/Computer OFF and talk about your needs. From past experience keep the words I want out of this as much as possible. Use I Need instead.

On your own personal side, pray - pray - pray. Ask for clarification, compassion AND the strength to accept Father's answers/will.

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Yes, to Annatess2.  I would never say to him the word ‘idiot’, I’m describing one of the issues to you, here. He is incredibly intelligent academically but not so socially. He’s a nerd, basically. Yes, I just called him a nerd and I would say that to his face.? 

It’s incredibly discouraging to be all horny, get all beautified and maybe into a sexy lingerie and then not be able to get his attention away from whatever he’s doing.  I would be receptive to that (well,not the sexy lingerie on my hubby☺️) but I thought ANY man would, but I learned my lesson. 

It has been difficult for so long. We are the ‘opposites attract’ scenario. He’s not lovey dovey or expressive, he works hard and provides well. Often I think I’d rather live in a trailer house and be hugged and kissed than be in this big house with the all the green grass. 

IGGY, thanks. I have felt like saying I ‘need’ something was too demanding also, defining what I ‘need’ or maybe I just ‘want’. I haven’t died from lack of “all over body caresses & deep massage on (my)back & shoulders.” and feet too,  but I really, really would love that. What separates ‘need’ and ‘want’ for you?

I’ll figure out how to bring up the testosterone, I know it’s not the whole problem but it might be a start. 

Thanks again for all these awesome comments! 

 

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14 hours ago, Marlayna West said:

I went to the dr. today and I am trying a new antidepressant. The doc was a little surprised at our role reversed sex complaint. He suggested a testosterone check for hubby. 

I am surprised that your doctor was surprised. Many therapists (the first I read were Michelle Weiner-Davis and David Schnarch) say that, of those couples who enter their practice over "desire discrepancies", the woman is the higher desire spouse in half of the cases. Wait, I lie, I am not surprised. The gender stereotypes that fuel this surprise run pretty deep in our culture. Sometimes I wonder if the best first step in a "counter-stereotype" case like yours is to go beyond the stereotype and accept that you as the woman are the higher drive spouse and that is common, normal, acceptable, etc. There is no reason for you or your husband to be surprised or bothered that his drive is lower.

I don't intend to discourage him and you from the Dr.'s visit, but I would caution against expecting it to be some kind of "magic bullet". I worry about this especially where your description of him suggests that he never had a spontaneous desire for sex. If the higher levels of testosterone he should have experienced when he was younger did not prompt spontaneous desire, then I would question if restoring those levels would prompt spontaneous desire now. Even if his T is low, not everyone who presents with low T opts for hormone replacement therapy (HRT), just like many menopausal women will opt out of HRT. It is certainly worth a discussion with a doctor to discuss his test results and treatment options, if indicated.

14 hours ago, Marlayna West said:

I really believe sex rarely crosses his mind.

One of the things I don't like about the way we talk about sexual self-control in the Church is that it is always about "Do not do anything else that arouses sexual feelings. Do not arouse those emotions in your own body." (-- FTSY) sexual restraint. Can our dialog also include, "I should spend a few minutes every day this week thinking about and anticipating sex on Friday night with my wife after our dinner/movie date."? I have frequently found it interesting how many sex therapists (including Laura Brotherson's T for thoughts among her 12T's) include some kind of "learn how to think about, daydream about, and anticipate sex with your spouse" kind of advice. Some say that this is a big advantage of 'scheduled sex' (even though some of us find scheduling sex so unromantic) is that it gives the low desire spouse something concrete to anticipate and prepare for. I think what I am saying is that perhaps part of your recovery is for him to learn some self-control and deliberately and intentionally bring sexual thoughts (of you) to his mind. Of course, you're here and he's not, so it is like preaching to the choir.

Edited by MrShorty
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4 hours ago, Marlayna West said:

Yes, to Annatess2.  I would never say to him the word ‘idiot’, I’m describing one of the issues to you, here. He is incredibly intelligent academically but not so socially. He’s a nerd, basically. Yes, I just called him a nerd and I would say that to his face.

It’s incredibly discouraging to be all horny, get all beautified and maybe into a sexy lingerie and then not be able to get his attention away from whatever he’s doing.

 

Nerds are THE BEST!  And we're proud to be nerds.  Don't call us geeks.  Geeks want to be nerds but are not smart enough so they like to just pretend to be nerds giving us a bad name.  :D

So, anyway, if your husband is the intellectual type then it's understandable that his interests do not go to the physical or social side.  Time is limited and so nerds spend most of their energies thinking about stuff rather than take part in the immediate world around them.  But you know, usually, it's not that they CAN'T.  It's just that they would rather do brainiac stuff.   I'm just basing on a stereotype, of course, so the individual reality may not fit the stereotype.  Anyway, highly intellectual people are stimulated by highly intellectual endeavors.  So, no, the lingerie is not the way to this man's heart and neither is your cooking.  The way to this man's heart is an in-depth discussion on why the lightsaber didn't arc wildly like a ghostbuster's proton pack when it touched Luke's arm... and yes, getting into an intensely passionate discussion about the scientific possibilities of a lightsaber in real life (even if you leave him to do all the talking) has a high probability of leading into a passionately physical expression. 

It's all about stimulus.  Most men are visually stimulated, most women are emotionally stimulated... nerds are intellectually stimulated.

Good luck.

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13 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

So, anyway, if your husband is the intellectual type then it's understandable that his interests do not go to the physical or social side.

Mmmm...nope. At least, not if by "physical" you mean "likes sex". Randy feelings and behavior are not limited to those of average intelligence or less.

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6 hours ago, Vort said:

Mmmm...nope. At least, not if by "physical" you mean "likes sex". Randy feelings and behavior are not limited to those of average intelligence or less.

No, that's not what I mean.  I mean what's occupying their brains making them oblivious to the immediate world around them.  It's not that they CAN'T or WON'T.  It's just that their attention is elsewhere.  It's like millenials sitting in their mother's basements eating chicken tenders not getting girlfriends.  It's not that they don't want girlfriends.  They're just too caught up with the video game.  Pewdepie actually had to go through an "awakening" moment to get himself to reevaluate his life.

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On 1/24/2018 at 6:24 AM, Sunday21 said:

Hi. I would consider a trip to a temple and a prayer in the celestial room. If the situation is causing you stress and the normal, read scriptures, bear your testimony to God, pray and fast, do not work; then you could consider praying to the Lord to take the desire away from you. As a last resort obviously! 

Take the desire away from you...yea right. Other spouse wants to end sex in marriage they can count on an ended marriage. We were not put on earth to be celibate in marriage. Forget that. 

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  • 4 weeks later...
On 1/23/2018 at 9:52 PM, Marlayna West said:

Has anyone here actually revived a sexless marriage with lasting, (for the most part) happy results? I’m so lonely and bored in the marriage department. Sex isn’t a priority/ interest for my hubby. I’m tired of providing all the energy and interest but if I don’t, he won’t and even if I offer he won’t necessarily join in. 

I think it’s totally revivable if both people want it. But I’d also suggest finding a marriage/sex therapist because I’d wager there is more emotional intimacy or communication issues than physical issues. Those two usually affect physical intimacy 

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  • 1 month later...

I'm no expert but I can definitely relate to your dilemma. My husband and I have been in marriage counseling for about a month.. He has issues with our marriage that have taken priority over my issues.. one of which is the lack of intimacy. He is an older man and when we were dating, I felt he was very attracted to me, but I knew he struggled with ED. It wasn't something that bothered me - intimacy has many dimensions and he was very proactive in trying to find solutions. However, now we have been married for 3 1/2 years and he has given up on trying to do anything about it. He has no interest / or desire to revive. I think the first step is to talk to your husband and find out if he understand how you feel and recognizes that it's a problem for you. Then hopefully you can both work on a path towards something mutual.

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I'm just going to toss these thoughts out there.

1. To by design abstain from your spouse is absolute selfishness. (Now come child, step on over to number TWO, come on now, it's ALL yours! )

2. Selfishness leads to infidelity and or divorce. I've got two bits of bad news for you (1) You're going to hell. (2) I'm driving the bus. 

3. A sexless marriage by medical causes requires selflessness. Would you leave your spouse if they will ill? Ask yourself yet once more to make sure. 

4. Selflessness and love transcends all things. *****FACT***** Christ PROVED this. Cross anyone? Anyone else need an OBVIOUS sign, token or image? 

5. I am more than my genitalia, although yes, I would miss sex, I also consider what I would miss more? Sex or my wife's companionship? If I could have EVERYTHING else in my marriage run PERFECT, but I would have to give up sex, I think of my wife's face, I think of her tears if I chose to leave, then I think, darn, those cold showers are cold, then I think "God, ok, fine, I'll take the forever marriage, about the sex thing, why in blazes did you have to make her so darn cute"?  My wife goes through spells where she doesn't feel good, she has Lupus, its rough on her, so she is not always feeling her wild oats talking to her. Me, I've got my own health crapola, I am not always feeling like a wild stallion. Sexless? At times, I suppose. Isn't this normal though? 

6. If number 2 is your truth and YOU are the cause, take your lumps, you've earned them. Don't snivel when your spouse is gone, don't snivel when you've been replaced. If you've sent your spouse out into the Devil's playground, it's just as much your fault as it is your spouse, the spiritual death shared will be yours and theirs, you don't have to wait until your body dies to be punished, it comes for you both RIGHT NOW and continues on with repercussions through the ages. Free will sucks, huh? It can be just as bad as waving your Daddy's shotgun around negligently. 

7. can a couple save it? Absolutely! Will they? Probably not. Why? SELFISHNESS! It's HIS fault, no, it's HER fault. My feelings are hurt, ME, ME, ME, Mine! Mine! Mine! I want! I want! I want! My! My! My! 

 

PMS = POOR ME SYNDROM

 

Well, there you have it boys and girls, now go be good to each other.  OR ELSE 

If this helped you? PM me your address where I can send the bill,

If this didn't help you, PM me your address where I can send the bill, I offered no guarantees. If you wanted a guarantee, you should have bought a toaster oven at Sears. 

 

Disclaimer: I don't really drive the bus to hell, I don't know if you're really going to hell, I just guess often, note I am not a millionaire, my guesses don't always pan out. Am I really charging for advice? Oh, sure! That would be awesome! I could so work from home. 

Edited by Bad Karma
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