New-ish Member, Considering Marriage


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So I'm 25 and joined the Church just over a year ago. I'm the first of my family, so a lot of my personal battles are getting these two worlds to mesh. 6 weeks ago I started dating another member and we've really struck it off. We're already talking about getting married to each other. Once upon a time, I would have run screaming from such a relationship, but now I'm not scared. Now it feels right. I know it's relatively common in the church for people to meet, date, and propose in 6 months or less (which I swore wasn't going to be me but well here we are...) but it's not common outside the Church. I'm already having nonmembers express their concern for me. What have you done in similar situations? What can I say to assuage their concerns? 

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3 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

Once upon a time, I would have run screaming from such a relationship, but now I'm not scared. Now it feels right.

That seems like the best thing.

Perhaps another good thing would be to demonstrate maturity and responsibility (and benefit you and the person you're considering marrying) via one of those pre-marriage classes / counseling sessions / tools / whatevers which help you discuss things that too many don't think to discuss before marriage - who's gonna pay the bills, do you want children, what should their education look like, who will mow the lawn, does one of you have unexpected sexual expectations, who will keep the house clean, who will work full time (before, during, and after children), will one of you stay home with the kids or are you expecting day care, what are your respective family health risks, will you share your fountain pens and inks or keep them entirely segregated - and whatever all else those things / people / places help you to consider.  Such a thing would both help the two of you to make wise choices and avoid problems, and demonstrate to others that you're not just going all stupid ga-ga for each other and it's all gonna fall apart after the hormones calm down.

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4 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

So I'm 25 and joined the Church just over a year ago. I'm the first of my family, so a lot of my personal battles are getting these two worlds to mesh. 6 weeks ago I started dating another member and we've really struck it off. We're already talking about getting married to each other. Once upon a time, I would have run screaming from such a relationship, but now I'm not scared. Now it feels right. I know it's relatively common in the church for people to meet, date, and propose in 6 months or less (which I swore wasn't going to be me but well here we are...) but it's not common outside the Church. I'm already having nonmembers express their concern for me. What have you done in similar situations? What can I say to assuage their concerns? 

Just make sure that it is based on shared values and goals.  Just because you're both LDS, does not guarantee that.  Just the disagreements we have on this board alone would testify to that.

My wife and I met in February.  We started dating in March.  We decided we were a couple in April.  Then we talked marriage in May.  I formally proposed in June.

Somewhere in April and May timeframe, we both found that we had a book of quotes that we'd collected over the years.  These books contained the thoughts and ideas that we felt were of value.  True, we weren't necessarily living them all perfectly.  But we both agreed on which "ideals" were what we were striving for.

What are YOU striving for?  What characteristics? What characteristics do you want him to strive for?  Then ask him the same questions. Do his answers match your answers?

Do you agree on politics?  Do you agree on what is right and wrong outside the faith?  Do you agree on what is and is not doctrine inside the faith?  Do you have a clear line of what is right and wrong -- even in areas that the Church doesn't give a definitive line?  How about those areas that the Church DOES give a definitive line?

Have you discussed how many children you want?  How to raise them?  How about whether you'll work outside the home?  What conditions?

What is your interpretation of tithing?  Fasting? Law of Chastity? Word of Wisdom?  How often do you hope to pray as a couple/family? How often do you study scriptures individually/as a couple?  You may think these answers are straight forward.  Ideally, they should be.  But each individual, couple, and family will vary on how this will be handled.

It doesn't matter what the answers are.  But your answers and his answers should line up.  If they do, then bless you both.  If not, then you might want to consider alternatives.

If ye are not one, ye are not mine.  No, you probably won't be one at the day of your wedding.  But you want to make sure you're one on at least the big ticket items.

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4 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

So I'm 25 and joined the Church just over a year ago. I'm the first of my family, so a lot of my personal battles are getting these two worlds to mesh. 6 weeks ago I started dating another member and we've really struck it off. We're already talking about getting married to each other. Once upon a time, I would have run screaming from such a relationship, but now I'm not scared. Now it feels right. I know it's relatively common in the church for people to meet, date, and propose in 6 months or less (which I swore wasn't going to be me but well here we are...) but it's not common outside the Church. I'm already having nonmembers express their concern for me. What have you done in similar situations? What can I say to assuage their concerns? 

Don't rush.  Spend your time getting to know other and your families.  Make sure you discuss and understand each other deeply in terms of beliefs, lifestyle, cleanliness, money management, chore management, work-life balance, raising kids, number of kids, education etc.  Pre-martial counseling is a fantastic thing.  

Showing your family and friends how you've looked into things, done counseling, etc.  That will naturally alleviate their concerns that you are rushing things.  

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Guest LiterateParakeet

I don't think you can assuage their concerns. :) But what you can do is listen to them, and and say,  "Thank you for your concern. I know it comes from a place of love. I understand where you are coming from. I hope you that in spite of your concerns you will support me in this." 

People will feel better about supporting you if they feel like they have been heard. 

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5 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

So I'm 25 and joined the Church just over a year ago. I'm the first of my family, so a lot of my personal battles are getting these two worlds to mesh. 6 weeks ago I started dating another member and we've really struck it off. We're already talking about getting married to each other. Once upon a time, I would have run screaming from such a relationship, but now I'm not scared. Now it feels right. I know it's relatively common in the church for people to meet, date, and propose in 6 months or less (which I swore wasn't going to be me but well here we are...) but it's not common outside the Church. I'm already having nonmembers express their concern for me. What have you done in similar situations? What can I say to assuage their concerns? 

I feel like any fear about getting married too quickly is coming from a society where marriage solely a binding (it’s sypposed to be at least) agreement for life in which you get one partner, and if you pick wrong, then your life will suck.

Dating in the church, we have word from the prophets of God that any 2 righteously living adults of opposite genders can make a relationship work. ALSO, while dating in the church, you are meeting and dating people with the same goals and standards. Though this doesn’t prevent problems in relationships, it does make it much easier.

i knew my wife for 4 months (only dated 3) before we talked about marriage. I knew her (and I am not referring to the biblical term “knew her”) for 7 months by the time we were married. 

Dating in the world seems to have phases you must go through before marriage is considered:

1) Meet

2) Date

3) Sex

4) Move in together

5) Road Trip

6) Get engaged

7) Get married 10 years after engagement

in the church, we cut out the middle 3 (though road trips are still an option... just go with friends and don’t sleep together), and get married sooner

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5 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

I'm already having nonmembers express their concern for me. What have you done in similar situations? What can I say to assuage their concerns? 

The first step is to acknowledge that they mean well and they love you.  And... they may have a good reason to be concerned which you need to think about... so listen to them and see if their concerns are valid - if they are, then address those concerns, if not, then just let it go.  In any case, you're the one getting married and so you're gonna have to be able to stand up to your decisions with love and patience for those who care about you.

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5 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

 What can I say to assuage their concerns? 

Nothing, 25 is very young to get married. Have you graduated college? Do you have a real job?

I know that many on this board will tell you that those items are optional, but you should think about accomplishing some of life's goals before you pop the question.  If this is the girl for you I recommend dating for at least a year before getting married.

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6 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

So I'm 25 and joined the Church just over a year ago. I'm the first of my family, so a lot of my personal battles are getting these two worlds to mesh. 6 weeks ago I started dating another member and we've really struck it off. We're already talking about getting married to each other. Once upon a time, I would have run screaming from such a relationship, but now I'm not scared. Now it feels right. I know it's relatively common in the church for people to meet, date, and propose in 6 months or less (which I swore wasn't going to be me but well here we are...) but it's not common outside the Church. I'm already having nonmembers express their concern for me. What have you done in similar situations? What can I say to assuage their concerns? 

Congratulations on the relationship!

I think talking marriage after six weeks is fine - that is the end goal of LDS dating, after all.  As far as actually getting engaged?  I would personally probably date a little longer before proposing.  Remember, this is a forever commitment!  It wouldn't hurt to get to know this woman a little better first!  Also, you don't want to get engaged early on in the relationship and then have a long engagement - the temptations to break the law of chastity, for example, increase with engagement, so you want to be engaged for as short of a period as possible.  Above all, make sure you pray about marrying her before popping the question!  It is never too early to pray about marrying someone . . . 

That said, I know a number of couples who got engaged after a month or two of dating, and it seems to have worked out well for them.  If you pray about it and the Spirit tells you to get engaged right now, then by all means you should obey!

My timeline: my wife was my first girlfriend.  I started dating her in August, started talking marriage around December, engaged in March, married on our one-year anniversary.  I was 23 and she was 22 when we married.  I had no education at that point and she was still in school, and it was fine - we supported each other through our undergraduate and my law school years.  

 

Edited by DoctorLemon
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It can work @Mjd1174 but remember the more you know about your spouse before you get married, the better your chance of having a successful marriage. I dated my wife for 7 and a half months before we got engaged (she was 19 and I was about to turn 23). I followed my dad's advice to wait 6 months before proposing so we could get to know each other first and I would reccomend the same to you. We talked about marriage before that certainly, but it gave us a chance to get to know each other and, more importantly in my mind, see how we handled being sad, depressed, angry etc. Seeing if you are compatible with a future partner is vital, because it's better to find out you can't stand another person's reactions before you dedicate yourselves to each other eternally, than to feel stuck later. Best of luck to you guys regardless, I hope your relationship goes well.

Edited by Midwest LDS
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2 hours ago, Fether said:

I feel like any fear about getting married too quickly is coming from a society where marriage solely a binding (it’s sypposed to be at least) agreement for life in which you get one partner, and if you pick wrong, then your life will suck.

Dating in the church, we have word from the prophets of God that any 2 righteously living adults of opposite genders can make a relationship work. ALSO, while dating in the church, you are meeting and dating people with the same goals and standards. Though this doesn’t prevent problems in relationships, it does make it much easier.

i knew my wife for 4 months (only dated 3) before we talked about marriage. I knew her (and I am not referring to the biblical term “knew her”) for 7 months by the time we were married. 

Dating in the world seems to have phases you must go through before marriage is considered:

1) Meet

2) Date

3) Sex

4) Move in together

5) Road Trip

6) Get engaged

7) Get married 10 years after engagement

in the church, we cut out the middle 3 (though road trips are still an option... just go with friends and don’t sleep together), and get married sooner

On a side note, have you seen median prices for non-LDS weddings lately?  $35,000!  (My wedding budget was what, $900 maybe?  With a $2,000 budget cruise honeymoon?  We didn't care - we were thrilled with the prospect of beginning our lives together).

Edited by DoctorLemon
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55 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

On a side note, have you seen median prices for non-LDS weddings lately?  $35,000!  (My wedding budget was what, $900 maybe?  With a $2,000 budget cruise honeymoon?  We didn't care - we were thrilled with the prospect of beginning our lives together).

Our wedding cost about $300.  But, you know, inflation...  I'm remembering what we spent money on and it would probably be about $800 today, maybe $1000.

Then we had a honeymoon that consisted of a hotel room, sight seeing, and dinner out. Given the type of hotel and number of meals, today would be about $1000.

Yup.  Mormons know how to get by cheap.

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2 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Our wedding cost about $300.  But, you know, inflation...  I'm remembering what we spent money on and it would probably be about $800 today, maybe $1000.

Then we had a honeymoon that consisted of a hotel room, sight seeing, and dinner out. Given the type of hotel and number of meals, today would be about $1000.

Yup.  Mormons know how to get by cheap.

Our wedding was very inexpensive too. I've always thought that the more extravagant and expensive the wedding, the higher the likelihood for divorce and statistics sort of agree with me 
 
 

MW-CW461_divorc_20141015113431_MG.jpg

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12 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Our wedding was very inexpensive too. I've always thought that the more extravagant and expensive the wedding, the higher the likelihood for divorce and statistics sort of agree with me 
 

MW-CW461_divorc_20141015113431_MG.jpg

The source is misattributed.  Olson did not write or compile that report.  He only quoted it.

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24 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Our wedding cost about $300.  But, you know, inflation...  I'm remembering what we spent money on and it would probably be about $800 today, maybe $1000.

Then we had a honeymoon that consisted of a hotel room, sight seeing, and dinner out. Given the type of hotel and number of meals, today would be about $1000.

Yup.  Mormons know how to get by cheap.

Wedding: $450

ring: $300

honeymoon: $2500-$3000 (Got a cabin in glacier national park for a week)

our wedding as a whole cost so cheap cause we both have SO much close family nearby that gave us tons of stuff

Edited by Fether
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Guest MormonGator
9 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

The source is misattributed.  Olson did not write or compile that report.  He only quoted it.

https://papers.ssrn.com/sol3/papers.cfm?abstract_id=2501480

original link 

Ironically, I know  a few couples who got married on the cheap and winded up divorced. So go figure. 

Edited by MormonGator
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Just now, MormonGator said:

Recognizing that correlation does not = causation, I am finding a seemingly contradictory data for typical Mormons.

We tend to have cheaper weddings.  (A large part of that is because we don't have to spend money on the venue).  But we also have shorter courtships.  But we got everything else going for us.  No wonder we have lower divorce rates.

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Guest MormonGator
4 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Recognizing that correlation does not = causation,

Agree, and there are exceptions to every rule. We are quick to point out, "Well I know a couple that got married and spent 4.5 million dollars on their wedding. They've been married for 200 years. The study is garbage! Ha ha ha ha!"  And of course when religion is brought into it, people turn the defensive meter to 11. Like they do with the volume indicator in Spinal Tap. 

In reality, the exception doesn't make the rule. This study is very interesting. 

Edited by MormonGator
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It is a priority thing.  You can either spend 35k for a party that lasts one day, or save the 35k and put a child (or yourself) through college.

I guess there are worse ways to blow through 35k (e.g., a funeral, gambling, heroin), but I am a little stunned that people who are just getting started in life and need the cash regularly spend such sums on weddings.

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14 hours ago, zil said:

That seems like the best thing.

Perhaps another good thing would be to demonstrate maturity and responsibility (and benefit you and the person you're considering marrying) via one of those pre-marriage classes / counseling sessions / tools / whatevers which help you discuss things that too many don't think to discuss before marriage

Thank you! This sounds like great advice and I'll definitely follow it up :)

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14 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Just make sure that it is based on shared values and goals.  Just because you're both LDS, does not guarantee that.  Just the disagreements we have on this board alone would testify to that....It doesn't matter what the answers are.  But your answers and his answers should line up.  If they do, then bless you both.  If not, then you might want to consider alternatives.

 

So very true! We started a practice early on of asking "Random Questions" in our texts and regular conversation. They can be anything from "What's your favourite food?" to "How many children do you want?" etc. So we've covered a lot of the topics you mentioned and we do align on most of the big stuff and a lot of the small stuff, and what we don't align on, so far, we've been very good about listening to the other perspective and taking it on board. However, I'm very grateful for new "Random Questions" to ask him. :)

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