New-ish Member, Considering Marriage


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13 hours ago, Jane_Doe said:

Don't rush.  Spend your time getting to know other and your families.  Make sure you discuss and understand each other deeply in terms of beliefs, lifestyle, cleanliness, money management, chore management, work-life balance, raising kids, number of kids, education etc.  Pre-martial counseling is a fantastic thing.  

Showing your family and friends how you've looked into things, done counseling, etc.  That will naturally alleviate their concerns that you are rushing things.  

I don't think we're rushing persay. We are spending lots of time with each others family and even arranging times for him to chat with my dad and brother overseas. We have discussed many of the topics you mentioned and regularly bring them back up to talk about them more. I'm definitely going to be insisting on pre-marital counselling. A couple others suggested as much, and I think it's a great idea. :)

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13 hours ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Nothing, 25 is very young to get married. Have you graduated college? Do you have a real job?

I know that many on this board will tell you that those items are optional, but you should think about accomplishing some of life's goals before you pop the question.  If this is the girl for you I recommend dating for at least a year before getting married.

I always considered myself pretty old-fashioned when it comes to marriage. Previously was of the mind that you should date a couple years, engaged for a year before marriage, but my plan was always to marry between 25 and 30. I don't think it's young at all. I think 18, 19, 20 is very young to marry, but not 25. Clearly my ideas around marriage have changed though.

I have nearly finished my degree. I work a job that requires qualifications. I've travelled to multiple countries, even moving to the other side of the world. I've even lived comfortably with 2 dependents while attending uni. We've agreed not to have kids straight away and instead want to do some travelling together, finish my degree and kickstart our careers. What's so wrong doing that together? 

What's ok about marrying at 26 and not 25? It is in fact just a number and I think if we've had all the right conversations and experiences, then 25 is just fine. 

For the record, I'm the woman. ;) And I appreciate your input. I realise my response may come across as an attack or defense, but it's not intended that way :)

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13 hours ago, DoctorLemon said:

Congratulations on the relationship!

I think talking marriage after six weeks is fine - that is the end goal of LDS dating, after all.  As far as actually getting engaged?  I would personally probably date a little longer before proposing.  Remember, this is a forever commitment!  It wouldn't hurt to get to know this woman a little better first! 

 

I think you mean "know this man.." ;) We're not actually getting engaged RIGHT NOW. We've set the timeline as probably in another 3-6 months. Although there are some who think we should bite the bullet and pop the question now. We have limited the engagement to 6 months purely because I have half my family on the other side of the world and we'd like to give them a chance to put money together to fly over. :) 

I like the idea of pre-marital counselling though and I think this will help certain friends and family feel better :)

I really appreciate your input and sharing yours and your wife's timeline :)

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Just now, Fether said:

So it wasn’t eating the entire  sleeve of Girl Scout cookies that made my stomach ache go away yesterday? The two events just happened to be at the same time??

Dangit :(

Oh no!  That was really causation.  We do, after all, have your single data point as positive proof that Girl Scout cookies do, indeed, help alleviate gastrointestinal ailments.:P

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9 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

I always considered myself pretty old-fashioned when it comes to marriage. Previously was of the mind that you should date a couple years, engaged for a year before marriage, but my plan was always to marry between 25 and 30. I don't think it's young at all. I think 18, 19, 20 is very young to marry, but not 25. Clearly my ideas around marriage have changed though.

I have nearly finished my degree. I work a job that requires qualifications. I've travelled to multiple countries, even moving to the other side of the world. I've even lived comfortably with 2 dependents while attending uni. We've agreed not to have kids straight away and instead want to do some travelling together, finish my degree and kickstart our careers. What's so wrong doing that together? 

What's ok about marrying at 26 and not 25? It is in fact just a number and I think if we've had all the right conversations and experiences, then 25 is just fine. 

For the record, I'm the woman. ;) And I appreciate your input. I realise my response may come across as an attack or defense, but it's not intended that way :)

It does come off as defensive, which seems odd since you are on a website soliciting advice.  If you disagree with me that's fine move on.  If you want to know what the difference is between 25 and 26 I'll tell you it's 365 days. 

 

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19 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Our wedding cost about $300.  But, you know, inflation...  I'm remembering what we spent money on and it would probably be about $800 today, maybe $1000.

Then we had a honeymoon that consisted of a hotel room, sight seeing, and dinner out. Given the type of hotel and number of meals, today would be about $1000.

Yup.  Mormons know how to get by cheap.

 

19 hours ago, Fether said:

Wedding: $450

ring: $300

honeymoon: $2500-$3000 (Got a cabin in glacier national park for a week)

our wedding as a whole cost so cheap cause we both have SO much close family nearby that gave us tons of stuff

I beat both of you.

$80 for the license

$20 for the justice of the peace to marry us under the fancy arbor (instead of just marry us right there at her desk).

$40 for the pizza afterwards.

If you count the ring my husband got to propose to me, add $100.  We exchanged rings infront of the JIP by me giving my husband his CTR ring and my husband giving me my engagement ring again.

Honeymoon?  We're going on 21 years in this honeymoon.  It's pretty awesome.

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9 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

I always considered myself pretty old-fashioned when it comes to marriage. Previously was of the mind that you should date a couple years, engaged for a year before marriage, but my plan was always to marry between 25 and 30. I don't think it's young at all. I think 18, 19, 20 is very young to marry, but not 25. Clearly my ideas around marriage have changed though.

I have nearly finished my degree. I work a job that requires qualifications. I've travelled to multiple countries, even moving to the other side of the world. I've even lived comfortably with 2 dependents while attending uni. We've agreed not to have kids straight away and instead want to do some travelling together, finish my degree and kickstart our careers. What's so wrong doing that together? 

What's ok about marrying at 26 and not 25? It is in fact just a number and I think if we've had all the right conversations and experiences, then 25 is just fine. 

For the record, I'm the woman. ;) And I appreciate your input. I realise my response may come across as an attack or defense, but it's not intended that way :)

Mjd1174, there is only ONE thing you need to be VERY SURE of before you get married.  If it takes you only 10 minutes to be sure of it, then you can marry a guy within 10 minutes of knowing each other.  And this is it:  "If you find a guy tomorrow that is better than this guy in all things - more spiritual, more intelligent, nicer, kinder, better looking, more money, more compatible with the things you like, more intellectually stimulating, etc. etc. - are you going to wish you were married to that guy instead?"

That's it.

I'd like to add this (people here will laugh when they read this):... you know you're ready for marriage when:  If you wake up the day after your wedding and find out your husband is a serial killer and your response is not to abandon his soul but to work towards getting him closer to Christ even if the only thing you can do is pray earnestly and desperately everyday for his salvation while he spends the rest of his life in jail... then you're ready to marry him.

 

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9 hours ago, Mjd1174 said:

I think you mean "know this man.." ;) We're not actually getting engaged RIGHT NOW. We've set the timeline as probably in another 3-6 months. Although there are some who think we should bite the bullet and pop the question now. We have limited the engagement to 6 months purely because I have half my family on the other side of the world and we'd like to give them a chance to put money together to fly over. :) 

I like the idea of pre-marital counselling though and I think this will help certain friends and family feel better :)

I really appreciate your input and sharing yours and your wife's timeline :)

One other thing I was thinking about regarding this thread - make sure you have dated him long enough to know he isn't abusive or prone to adultery.

We would like to think that good Mormon boys would not fall into these kinds of sins.  Unfortunately, occasionally you hear about a temple marriage where the husband ends up cheating or abusing his spouse.  One of the advantages for dating for awhile is you can sometimes pick up on the signs that a man is prone to this behavior (e.g., he starts to be controlling, he starts to lash out in anger, etc.)  I don't think there is a magic number of the amount of time you need to spend with someone to make this determination, but make sure you know him well enough to feel confident that he is the kind of guy who is unlikely to become abusive or adulterous (prayer can help in this regard).

Just some advice I would tell my daughter if she was in your position!

Edited by DoctorLemon
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17 minutes ago, DoctorLemon said:

(e.g., he starts to be controlling, he starts to lash out in anger, etc.)

One way you could test him out would be to drive in a busy part of town during rush hour.  Gauge his reactions and find out how he handles stressful situations.

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21 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Recognizing that correlation does not = causation, I am finding a seemingly contradictory data for typical Mormons.

We tend to have cheaper weddings.  (A large part of that is because we don't have to spend money on the venue).  But we also have shorter courtships.  But we got everything else going for us.  No wonder we have lower divorce rates.

Unless you take into account the doctrine of the pre-earth life.

giphy.gif

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51 minutes ago, mordorbund said:

Unless you take into account the doctrine of the pre-earth life.

Not discerning just how serious you are (with the Cusack wink and all): I don't subscribe to the idea that we chose our mates before birth.

But I'm going to go along with the notion that we (most of us) knew each other prior to coming to earth.  So, with that, maybe.

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3 hours ago, anatess2 said:

 

I beat both of you.

$80 for the license

$20 for the justice of the peace to marry us under the fancy arbor (instead of just marry us right there at her desk).

$40 for the pizza afterwards.

If you count the ring my husband got to propose to me, add $100.  We exchanged rings infront of the JIP by me giving my husband his CTR ring and my husband giving me my engagement ring again.

Honeymoon?  We're going on 21 years in this honeymoon.  It's pretty awesome.

$350 of that wedding was my wife’s dress ;) she is very high maintaince 

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1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

Not discerning just how serious you are (with the Cusack wink and all): I don't subscribe to the idea that we chose our mates before birth.

But I'm going to go along with the notion that we (most of us) knew each other prior to coming to earth.  So, with that, maybe.

Not serious at all. Don't even maybe it.

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@Mjd1174. It is very important to ask Heavenly Father if you should marry this person. Ask a specific yes/no question. Fast and ask humbly and sincerely. 

 

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2010/04/making-the-marriage-decision?lang=eng

I wish I could say that when I knelt down and prayed about it, peace and clarity came right away. They didn’t. It took weeks and even months. It was frustrating for my boyfriend, who did not have the same fears that I did. He already felt peace about our relationship and wanted to move forward. I am grateful that he waited patiently for my witness to come.

When it did come, it wasn’t huge or overwhelming, but I’ll never forget it. It was sweet and personal and very peaceful. It didn’t mean that my other doubts or concerns vanished, because they didn’t. In fact, I think the closer we got to marriage and realized what a big decision we were making, the more worries popped up! But those feelings of peace fed my faith, and I was able to move forward. Marriage is hard at times, but because of the confirmation I worked and waited for, I never doubt the decision I made to marry my husband.

If you have not already done so, I would read this phamplet put out. By the church on dating with helps to maintain chaste.https://www.google.ca/search?q=strength+of+youth+pdf&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-ca&client=safari

This phamplet is vital for dating couples of all ages!

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2002/09/choosing-and-being-the-right-spouse?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2017/08/young-adults/inquire-well-to-marry-well?lang=eng

Sorry to nag but..I was a stake singles rep! 

Edited by Sunday21
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23 hours ago, anatess2 said:

I'd like to add this (people here will laugh when they read this):... you know you're ready for marriage when:  If you wake up the day after your wedding and find out your husband is a serial killer and your response is not to abandon his soul but to work towards getting him closer to Christ even if the only thing you can do is pray earnestly and desperately everyday for his salvation while he spends the rest of his life in jail... then you're ready to marry him.

 

If you marry a guy  and find out the next day he is a serial killer, abusive, etc, etc,  you should get divorced.

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8 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

If you marry a guy  and find out the next day he is a serial killer, abusive, etc, etc,  you should get divorced.

Sure.  And then what?  Forget him, right?  Because you know... you only promised to love the guy until you don't love him anymore, right?

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2 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

Sure.  And then what?  Forget him, right?  Because you know... you only promised to love the guy until you don't love him anymore, right?

Uh yeah, if you found out the NEXT day that he was a bad guy you should run for the hills.  we are not talking about abandoning a guy after being married for a decade, we are talking about the very next day. Should you subject yourself to a life of misery because you married him and found out the next day he lied to you?

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4 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

Uh yeah, if you found out the NEXT day that he was a bad guy you should run for the hills.  we are not talking about abandoning a guy after being married for a decade, we are talking about the very next day. Should you subject yourself to a life of misery because you married him and found out the next day he lied to you?

If loving the guy - regardless of whether he loves you back - is misery for you, then you shouldn't marry the guy... serial killer or not.

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Just now, anatess2 said:

If loving the guy - regardless of whether he loves you back - is misery for you, then you shouldn't marry the guy... serial killer or not.

You started this, if you found out the next day that he was a serial killer, you wouldn't leave him? Don't you think that you need all of the facts when you fall in love with someone, and that disclosing that he was a killer might influence your decision to marry  and love him? 

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13 minutes ago, omegaseamaster75 said:

You started this, if you found out the next day that he was a serial killer, you wouldn't leave him? Don't you think that you need all of the facts when you fall in love with someone, and that disclosing that he was a killer might influence your decision to marry  and love him? 

Okay, read this quote below again.  Now, after you read it... you tell me... WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY "LOVE"?  What is Love to you?

On 2/13/2018 at 10:51 AM, anatess2 said:

If you wake up the day after your wedding and find out your husband is a serial killer and your response is not to abandon his soul but to work towards getting him closer to Christ even if the only thing you can do is pray earnestly and desperately everyday for his salvation while he spends the rest of his life in jail... then you're ready to marry him.

P.S.  "Fall" in love, to me, is not a good phrase to describe Love.  "Falling" in love is like something that happens to you... like... you fall out of your chair, or you stumble on a rock and fall off a cliff.  It's the Hollywood version of it.  Love is not something that happens to you.  Love is something you choose to do.

Edited by anatess2
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"If you wake up the day after your wedding and find out your husband is a serial killer and your response is not to abandon his soul but to work towards getting him closer to Christ even if the only thing you can do is pray earnestly and desperately everyday for his salvation while he spends the rest of his life in jail... then you're ready to marry him."

 

A reasonable person would argue that it would be ok to divorce the individual.  You can pray desperately and earnestly for his salvation while he spends the rest of his life in jail. It does not mean that you cannot move on with your life and marry someone who will truly love and care for you. I don't know how you define love but full disclosure about being a serial killer should be at the top of the list before you decide to marry and if he does not disclose it then he didn't really love you.

 

 

 

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On 2/13/2018 at 12:44 AM, Mjd1174 said:

I don't think we're rushing persay. We are spending lots of time with each others family and even arranging times for him to chat with my dad and brother overseas. We have discussed many of the topics you mentioned and regularly bring them back up to talk about them more. I'm definitely going to be insisting on pre-marital counselling. A couple others suggested as much, and I think it's a great idea. :)

I think if you make them feel like you've listened to their concerns and taken what they said into account but tell them that even after that you are convinced you are doing the right thing and hope they will celebrate with you that they will be OK.  Might still think it's a mistake but they should back off at least.  And if they don't, remember that you are an adult and you do not need their approval or consent.  Sometimes you have to let time prove you right.

As for 'rushing', there is on way to measure that.  I would have gladly married my wife the day after we met except we were both in high school and I hadn't served a mission yet.  I knew she was the one.  Other people however do rush into marriage based on their hormonal reactions alone and that is unwise.  I home taught a less active man once who married a woman after a week because she was so good in bed, a month later he was getting divorced.

Edited by Latter-Day Marriage
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