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Zeniff

Story from good to bad. We both had affairs.

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My wife and I were good active Mormons having a great life.  Eventually life took its toll.   I lost 4 jobs in the space of 5 years.  We moved into a ward that didn't care for our family or several high school age children.  We could not meet our needs and were falling 15K into the hole every year.  I am now headed for bankruptcy, and foreclosure.  Our life in the bedroom was pathetic no passion no nothing.  This was mostly because I had major knee surgery on both knees and it completely hampered sexual activity.  All praying seamed to not help anything.  On top of that both of our fathers and my wife's best friend died.  All within a relatively short time.

At the brink of filing for bankruptcy a recruiter called me for a job that would pay 2x what I was making  and it would have basically save us from financial ruin.  I had a priesthood blessing and the whole family prayed for me to get it, how could I fail.  I nailed every interview and had great discussions and now it was close for the final decision.  What I received devastated me with a cold email back saying sorry but we have decided to go with another candidate.

Nearly immediately after the email, my current employer asked me to go overseas to work with some clients which was completely out of the blue which I had never done.  I was to travel for over 1 month.  Of course when i was there I was surrounded by sexual temptations as I was put in a hotel in the heart of this activity.  So I went out and had a massage, nothing sexual but near erotic and they offered many other services which I said no.  I called my wife and told what I had done and it didn't bother her at all!.  Instead she was aroused by it and told me to go again and try those other services and find some passion.  I struggled with this and eventually with her basically giving me a hall pass, I went.  You can pretty much image what happened next.  I committed adultery many times.  With each time telling my wife the details and thinking she was living vicariously thru me.  I have never done anything like this in my life but the passion and energy I could feel was unstoppable and thoroughly enjoyable.  My spirit and guilt never showed up.

As it turns out near the time I was to return home.  My wife told me before I started to sin that she went to a bar picked a guy and had sex!  She explained that it was the best sex she had in a long time.  It didn't hurt me at the time because I had the same thing.  Keep in mind that nothing like this ever took place in our lives before the previous month.  This explains her trying to entice me to do wrong from the first call we had about this.  It was almost like eve tasted the apple and now she wanted Adam to partake because of Satan's enticing's.  Basically all the recent life experiences we had had up to this point broke and beat us down where we didn't care anymore.  Eat, drink, and be merry right!.  Oh yeah and my wife took up drinking alcohol too.

When I got back I told her we need to repent of our ways and focus on fixing us regardless of how hard our life is.  Well, we never repented, instead we added watching porn in the bedroom to supplement.  That eventually only helped me.  I enjoyed it and it restored some passion but for her not as much.  This dragged on for 5 months which I got addicted to.

My work then advised we need you to go back for another month.  I said to myself, well here I go again, and my wife was telling me to go enjoy myself how ever I wanted, hall pass number #2.  So As you can expect I had sex, well I should say paid for sex and each time telling my wife details since she liked it.  I kept asking her if she was cheating on me too and she never said she was.

When I got back we hugged each other, appeared to really miss each other, and I said this time we need to repent.  She advised you can but I am not ready yet.  So I said I can't unless we both go together so we never went.  We stopped going to church to mostly not take the sacrament, but nobody in the ward really cared we were gone anyway.  By this point she was going to happy hour every week.  Fast forward 4 months and I am getting very suspicious of her and the way she is acting.  I even told her I don't recognize you anymore.  She said she had lost all feeling and didn't really care about anything.  She did still say she loved me very much and would never cheat on me.  On a couple of occasions I felt a burning sensation that she was cheating on me.  Like the holy ghost or something was prompting me that she was cheating or too find out.  I confronted her several times but she always denied it.  Then one night i basically had a revelation or something that there was no doubt she was having an affair.  I then confronted her and she broke down and told me that she met the same guy 2X while I was oversees and had sex.  I felt relieved but not hurt since she said she broke off the affair when I came home. 

Well It gets worse.  My promptings/intuition came back and I felt something still wasn't right.  So I went to happy hour where she says she is and I wait.  Sure enough as I expected, she comes out of happy hour and gets into another vehicle.  The vehicle drives to a nearby empty lot and i follow.  I wait 30 minutes and I can't take it anymore.  So I walk up to the vehicle.  The lights turn on and it peels out.  Eventually the guy drops her off somewhere and she calls me to pick her up.  Ugggggh!!!

As you can expect I lose it and now I feel hurt, pain, betrayal.  Lots of tears, a hard time sleeping, and going back to work.  I thought her affair was over as mine surely was when I came home and I wanted to fix things.  I love her deeply and she has committed to ending the affair after that night I caught her.  In all honesty I think she really wants to this time.  She has committed to stop happy hours too.  I think she really loves me deep down for the 20+ years of marriage but its hard to tell exactly.  She has been really nice to me and telling me shes sorry but still has no emotions and shows no remorse (IMO).   She says something is biologically wrong with her and needs help from all the pain of life, finances, deaths, and lack of marital passion.  I am a wreck because she was having a continued affair (10 months), she lied many times when we were together while I was being honest.  Yet in the back of my mind I cheated too so why should I judge.  She still doesn't hold that against me.

So from here, we just started meeting with the bishop and soon the stake president and therapist.  We need a lot of help.  I am wondering if I should stay with her or leave.  I think I should stay because I do love her but I know I would rather not be alone too.  We are both messed up but the pain of her lying and the images I have catching her in the act are too great right now.  I know to be Christlike I should stay and work it out but that is only if we are true and dedicated to each other from here on.

Advice?  be gentle....

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Your wife and her cheating isn't the most important issue here.  Or your cheating on her- also not the most important issue here.

What IS the most important issue is how badly you have betrayed Christ, your savior.  Before you can fix your marriage, you need to fix your relationship with Christ and let His healing overcome you.  This current man you are- the cheating addict- needs to be washed away and you be reborn- reborn as the honorable husband, father, breadwinner, and disciple of Christ.

Focus first and foremost of coming to Christ and surrendering your sinful ways to Him. 

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You said you were in talks with your bishop, which is GREAT - you need to repent of these most serious sins.  

What does your bishop say about the question as to whether you should stay or not?

Your bishop knows you and is entitled to receive revelation for you.  If I were you, I would heed your bishop's words.

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8 hours ago, Zeniff said:

My wife and I were good active Mormons having a great life.  Eventually life took its toll.   I lost 4 jobs in the space of 5 years.  We moved into a ward that didn't care for our family or several high school age children.  We could not meet our needs and were falling 15K into the hole every year.  I am now headed for bankruptcy, and foreclosure.  Our life in the bedroom was pathetic no passion no nothing.  This was mostly because I had major knee surgery on both knees and it completely hampered sexual activity.  All praying seamed to not help anything.  On top of that both of our fathers and my wife's best friend died.  All within a relatively short time.

At the brink of filing for bankruptcy a recruiter called me for a job that would pay 2x what I was making  and it would have basically save us from financial ruin.  I had a priesthood blessing and the whole family prayed for me to get it, how could I fail.  I nailed every interview and had great discussions and now it was close for the final decision.  What I received devastated me with a cold email back saying sorry but we have decided to go with another candidate.

 

This is a very stressful series of events to happen in a marriage.  I think you both went outside of your marriage just to 'feel something' again, a distraction from all the stress and pressure of reality.  Instead of turning to each other. 

If you are both willing your marriage can survive this, love each other unconditionally, talk honestly and openly to each other without judgement.  Spend time together, find things you can do together.  Don't give up on each other.

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What a sad story.  I echo the sentiment here.  You need to get right with God.  You can't help your wife OR your marriage now.  Repent, get on the right path, rebuild your foundation, then look around you and decide where to go from there.  You're on a fast train three stops past Trouble Town.

Edited by Grunt

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On February 28, 2018 at 3:33 PM, Zeniff said:

So from here, we just started meeting with the bishop and soon the stake president and therapist.  We need a lot of help.  I am wondering if I should stay with her or leave.  I think I should stay because I do love her but I know I would rather not be alone too.  We are both messed up but the pain of her lying and the images I have catching her in the act are too great right now.  I know to be Christlike I should stay and work it out but that is only if we are true and dedicated to each other from here on.

This is the advice I would give, anyway. Sounds like your wife experienced some major depression during the first years of your post. I recommend staying with her. You can ask God to help you forgive your wife's sins "and remember them no more." It will take a long time, probably longer than you're expecting. But it will be worth it. Work on becoming temple worthy and, as much as possible, go back and review the covenants you've with God made in both the endowment and sealing rooms. You can be an example to your wife of repentance and support.  

May God bless you in your efforts to return to Him.

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Thanks for all the support and suggestions so far as it has been overwhelmingly positive for me.  I thought I was going to be a punching bag which I deserve but I know there are good people that truly want to help.  

Edited by Zeniff

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Thanks for all the support and suggestions so far as it has been overwhelmingly positive for me.  I thought I was going to be a punching bag which I deserve but I know there are good people that truly want to help.  

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33 minutes ago, Zeniff said:

Thanks for all the support and suggestions so far as it has been overwhelmingly positive for me.  I thought I was going to be a punching bag which I deserve but I know there are good people that truly want to help.  

*hugs*

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7 hours ago, Zeniff said:

Thanks for all the support and suggestions so far as it has been overwhelmingly positive for me.  I thought I was going to be a punching bag which I deserve but I know there are good people that truly want to help.  

Things will get better! ❤️

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Friend, I'm in @Bad Karma's position. I've got nothing. I'm speechless.

In an attempt to be at least somewhat helpful, let me ask you: Do you understand, not just what you did wrong, but why it was wrong? An old Hebrew proverb says, "As he thinketh in his heart, so is he." The Lord taught that even to look on a woman in lust is to commit adultery with her in your heart -- which is always the precursor to committing adultery with her in her bed.

What you did wrong can be boiled down to one essential thing: You treated your marriage like garbage. Why is this wrong? Because marriage is (or should be held) sacred. And you never, never, never treat sacred things like garbage. You hold them sacred.

From your description, it sounds like your wife had already committed adultery when you spoke with her, or at the very least was planning to, and encouraged you to break your covenant with God in the twisted idea that this would somehow justify her. This is so very far beyond the pale that it can only be taken as a sign that your heart (and hers) were already far, far away from those holy covenants you had made.

Misery inevitably follows sin. Inevitably. That means "every single time, without fail". You can have that misery taken from you, and you may even have your marriage healed and restored to the sacred thing it once was (or should have been, and should be now). For that to happen, you will need to have a mighty change in heart. It starts by renewing your covenants (however that must happen, even through excommunication if necessary) and then keeping them scrupulously. If your wife is on board for this process, wonderful. Your marriage may yet survive and become a thing of unfathomable beauty. But even if she doesn't choose that path, you must. Do the right thing, brother.

(For someone with nothing to say, I certainly do go on.)

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Well here is the update to this story.  My wife and i both had our disciplinary councils.  I was disfellowshipped which I thought I had a probable chance to be ex'd.  Nevertheless, the lord showed mercy and now i am in the healing process.  I am meeting 1x per month with the Bishop & Stake President and going to marriage counseling every week.  The pain of learning of the affair is still there after 3 months but I am starting to come off of the emotional roller coaster and dealing with PTSD.  They say the pain is sometimes worse than losing a loved one and I agree (It's devastating and that cannot be under stated).

As for my wife, she was excommunicated.  I am very sad for her and us.  This should never had progressed this far but yet here we are.  Not sure what to expect with the next year for her and me but she will need to be re-baptized if she desires to come back.  I think she does.  I also think her judgement was worse because I decided to repent and she did not at first. 

I am very worried about her since I still care and love her.  Now we need to find forgiveness for each other and start to rebuild from the ashes.  I hoping our journey will make us better people and better members of the church.  Time will tell.

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It took me at least 2 months after finding out about my wife's emotional affair before I could function like a human again.   Your situation far surpasses mine, but maybe I can help you out a bit.

If you want to keep her, love her.. lover her unconditionally.  Learn her love language, if you don't already know it, and speak it to her.  My wife's love language is acts of service.  So I go out of my way trying to find things I can do for her to show her that I love her.   It is easy to do when she returns the love, but from my experience, she isn't going to return the love, at least right away.  You have to be willing to show her love when it hurts to do so.  Always be gentle with her even when she is not gentle with you.   And talk.  And you should pray with her every night.

At least this is what I have been doing and so far it has helped a lot.  We still have a journey ahead of us, but I look forward to it.

 

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6 hours ago, Zeniff said:

Well here is the update to this story.  My wife and i both had our disciplinary councils.  I was disfellowshipped which I thought I had a probable chance to be ex'd.  Nevertheless, the lord showed mercy and now i am in the healing process.  I am meeting 1x per month with the Bishop & Stake President and going to marriage counseling every week.  The pain of learning of the affair is still there after 3 months but I am starting to come off of the emotional roller coaster and dealing with PTSD.  They say the pain is sometimes worse than losing a loved one and I agree (It's devastating and that cannot be under stated).

As for my wife, she was excommunicated.  I am very sad for her and us.  This should never had progressed this far but yet here we are.  Not sure what to expect with the next year for her and me but she will need to be re-baptized if she desires to come back.  I think she does.  I also think her judgement was worse because I decided to repent and she did not at first. 

I am very worried about her since I still care and love her.  Now we need to find forgiveness for each other and start to rebuild from the ashes.  I hoping our journey will make us better people and better members of the church.  Time will tell.

This is for you and your wife (it would be great if you tell her this) - the way up the mountain is the same way down the mountain... one step at a time in the right direction. 

Draw your map to the right direction, put one foot forward, and check often to make sure you're still headed the right direction.  Hold your wife's hand if you need to.  If you find you've made a step in the wrong direction, simply stop, re-orient, and make the next step in the right direction.  This is life.  This is the iron rod to God.  It doesn't matter what bad things get thrown into the path and how difficult it becomes... just keep putting one step forward in the right direction even if you have to make baby steps because it is getting hard.  One step at a time.

Good luck.

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You guys certainly have been through hell and back due to your decisions. However, you faced the music for your actions, and went before the Lord and His representatives in metaphorical sack cloth and ashes. To me, that represents an earnest and sincere desire to repent on both you and your wife's part. Hold fast to one another as you try to change. You will need each others strength as you both push forward in your repentace process. Just remember the Lord can and will forgive both of you as long as your repentance is sincere. Isaiah 1:18 

"18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool."

Stay the course brother. I will pray for you and your wife.

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I can only imagine the pain you and your wife have had to deal with.  The commandments are the way of happiness and I know that sin leads to suffering.  Hopefully your wife sees that sexual sin is literally as enjoyable eating raw sewage and will begin to change her life though she has a very long road ahead of her.  I feel sorrow for you both.  I hope you both find the path back that leads to the Redeemer and the tree of life even if it takes years of struggling and pain.  It is worth it whatever the cost.

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On 2/28/2018 at 11:33 AM, Zeniff said:

My wife and I were good active Mormons having a great life.  Eventually life took its toll. .


....Advice?  be gentle.... 

Thank you for sharing your story and being real. Similar to you and your family, I too feel the effects of life taking its toll on me and my relationships.

I have had similar thoughts as you in regards to my relationship with my wife, when I think back to the advice that my bishop gave me over the years, he was right all the time, the only problem was that I choose to make my own decisions.

In my current situation I have not yet visited with the Bishop, I am afraid of hearing what he will say.

Another piece of advice that I have come across was that the Lord puts obstacles in our path to strengthen us, he puts people in your life to teach you a lesson and grow from it.

You can look at it in two ways.
1. Your wife came into your life, and you both experienced this sinning, and now you can go your seperate ways. Adultery is justifiable for divorce.
2. You experienced this sinning together and now need to learn to forgive and grow closer together.

My intuition of hearing about your wifes attitude in not wanting to be repentant and actually liking the sinning, is that she needs to continue to go down that path until she can comeback on her own. You wont change her and I think you need to move on.

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On 5/20/2018 at 11:05 PM, Zeniff said:

Well here is the update to this story.  My wife and i both had our disciplinary councils.  I was disfellowshipped which I thought I had a probable chance to be ex'd.  Nevertheless, the lord showed mercy and now i am in the healing process.  I am meeting 1x per month with the Bishop & Stake President and going to marriage counseling every week.  The pain of learning of the affair is still there after 3 months but I am starting to come off of the emotional roller coaster and dealing with PTSD.  They say the pain is sometimes worse than losing a loved one and I agree (It's devastating and that cannot be under stated).

As for my wife, she was excommunicated.  I am very sad for her and us.  This should never had progressed this far but yet here we are.  Not sure what to expect with the next year for her and me but she will need to be re-baptized if she desires to come back.  I think she does.  I also think her judgement was worse because I decided to repent and she did not at first. 

I am very worried about her since I still care and love her.  Now we need to find forgiveness for each other and start to rebuild from the ashes.  I hoping our journey will make us better people and better members of the church.  Time will tell.

She was kicked out for enticing you to do evil when you confided in her about your massage. She was already committing adultery and continued to do so even after you pleaded with her for you both to stop.

What a nightmare. Please go get tested if you haven't already and I hope things get better soon.

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Joshpal, Interesting advice but yet very true.  One other interesting item in our therapy is that our therapist has never had a situation were we both were the addicted and the betrayed.  It is a strange intertwined mess that the therapist is trying to untangle.  Still good that my wife and I are positive about working things out, this helps a lot.  The recovery and healing are going to take longer than I expected though.  I am seeing that patience and daily spiritual effort is key.

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